bejapuskas

Asexuality/aromanticism

27 posts in this topic

Hello everyone, 

I just realized that there is a lot of pressure on this forum to behave in sexual and romantic ways. While I do not advocate for repression and denial of one's desires in this sense, I am aware that some people are asexual, aromantic or both, which means they do not experience sexual/romantic attraction in the traditional meaning of the word. (they might still engage in the behaviors in order to please their partners, without attraction, engage in non-sexual kinks etc.) This applies to all genders, usually men tend not to realize they are ace/aro, because of the amount of societal pressure. It tends to be associated more so with females at birth.

I think questioning attraction as a part of one's identity can be great tool to arrive at unique insights. Seeing others behave in sexual/romantic ways without understanding it can help one be more objective and spot the devilry and nonsense in such behaviors. That is why I am asking if anyone here has any interesting inputs. 

I am willing to share experiences of my friend, even though I am quite sexual and romantic myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, bejapuskas said:

Seeing others behave in sexual/romantic ways without understanding it can help one be more objective and spot the devilry and nonsense in such behaviors. 

Would you expand on this part? I doubt I would be able to tell what is and isn’t toxic by simply watching two people be romantic unless there was a very blatant negative reaction in either party.

Edited by Emotionalmosquito
Spelling

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Emotionalmosquito  I think it can be related to just seeing how some people are blindly chasing "love" without understanding it, without working on anything else. What you say makes sense. It is easier to spot as someone who does not partake in such stuff, even though asexual and aromantic people can face pressure to be like everyone else and become confused too. 

For example, I used to chase relationships a lot, but my aro ace friend told me "you just desire art", (they are a very creative person themselves) and that really helped me notice my lack of focus on my path. I also got a lot of insights from talking with them about the morality of having kids. Kids have a big carbon footprint and some people have them just because or to "fix their marriage". People who don't take giving birth for granted can spot that more easily, as the culture doesn't seem all rational to them. Like with survival instinct, they can have it, but still be repelled by the activity or indifferent to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, I see the same thing. We are not really appreciating the whole spectrum of sexuality and intimacy on this forum.

Intimacy and romance is like an ocean of rainbows. I see a lot of people trying to make sense of this beautiful mess, to make it more digestible. I get it, sometimes it's scary to let go of control. But IMO the true Game is going with the flows of it.


Everyone is waiting for eternity but the Shaman asks: "how about today?"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have experience with being asexual and I have identified as such at one point (it's a long story). 

I have written about this a lot in my journal because I feel like my asexuality has greatly impacted the way I see the nuances of sex even though I no longer identify as asexual. Here are a couple posts that I really recommend checking out for anyone interested: 

 

 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I lean pretty strongly towards being asexual myself. So some of the broad brush strokes people make about sexuality, specially male, can feel a bit alienating. I try to be mindful that my personal feelings are not reflective of the general consensus and I shouldn't project how I personally feel about it onto others. Though, sometimes it still does leak out.

Though I do believe in trying to be diverse and making sure there is a safe space for everyone. I can only speak for myself though here, but I'm very secure about how I feel with my own sexuality (it's not a response from trauma or anything) and the greater emphasis should be put on those still trying to find themselves or those that struggle making connections with others.

If I was going to go into slight more detail on my views of it. Being this way, again in my opinion, has vastly and I mean vastly allowed me to connect with others and see who they truly are inside. It's also has created more harmony in my current relationship as well. 

Edited by Nos7algiK

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow so many responses, thank you for contributing!

@roopepa  I understand what you mean. One question I am trying to answer for myself is - can a gender fluid person with changing sexual orientation sustain a long term relationship with a more static person? I know this is a loaded one, but what do you think?

@Nos7algiK  That is why I created this thread. I am sorry you feel that way. Diversity is amazing for learning and personal growth, as it is a tool for one to face their biases by being exposed to other experiences than those that they experience themselves or are close to in some other way. I remember having this stage of being "accepting of queer people, but not wanting them to show off or to talk about their feelings openly" which is still not really what acceptance means, as almost everything we say here on this subforum is hetero/allosexual-normative. I have a similar experience with questioning myself too, it is like there is this label when you perceive another human that influences your opinion and perception of them, it goes against the idea of being mindful that we talk about so much here to assume gender and never question it. It is very spiritual to question.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not too experienced with asexuality, but romance is a social construct, and I've been more "aromantic" lately. This doesn't mean I don't have love for the other, but the way I structure my sexual relationships isn't based off of cultural tropes. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Chew211  Would you mind sharing what cultural tropes have you spotted on your path of questioning culture?

@soos_mite_ah  I will get to responding to you later, I am a bit busy these days x)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

soos_mite_ah  I will get to responding to you later, I am a bit busy these days x)

Oh no you're perfectly fine. I just commented a bank of information for anyone who was interested. I realize it's quite a lot considering on how detailed I can be on my journal posts :D:D:D


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do any of you guys identify as non-conforming / genderqueer / non-binary, given that your sexuality does not define your gender? Do you think sex and sexuality in general plays a big role in society's assessment of gender roles?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think I'm somewhere on the asexual and aromantic spectrum. I am not as sexual as other people. I was very sexual when I was 11-12 years old, but now in my early twenties I don't feel as horny. 


“Many talk like philosophers yet live like fools.” — Proverb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/14/2021 at 5:54 PM, bejapuskas said:

@Chew211  Would you mind sharing what cultural tropes have you spotted on your path of questioning culture?

@soos_mite_ah

Relationship categories (boyfriend-girlfriend, fuck-buddies, etc), love = exclusivity, the general dynamic of tying oneself down to the other, essentially crippling both parties into some sort of codependency for the sake of security, the necessity of marriage as goal of a sexual relationship (it CAN be a goal, but it doesn't have to implicitly be the case).

People model their relationships off of romcoms, Disney movies, or hook-up culture, and follow the respective implicit rules without even being fully aware of them. 

This is just from the top of my head. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Derek White  That is really interesting, thanks for sharing. Do you think it is because you have better self-esteem now than you used to as well and you don't define your value by sex, or is it not that?

@Chew211  What do you think about focusing on one person for the sake of knowing each other better and also not being spread out for the sake of not only pursuing relationships? I guess you would not need to have multiple committed relationships, im just trying to hear your points, playing the devils advocate here :) Do you have any specific examples of this? I am personally very confused, as in my previous relationships, I felt like I wanted an open relationship, but I did not really act on it once it was open... Maybe just some sort of OCD and overthinking.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Do any of you guys identify as non-conforming / genderqueer / non-binary, given that your sexuality does not define your gender? Do you think sex and sexuality in general plays a big role in society's assessment of gender roles?

100% 

While I'm not gender non-conforming or non-binary, I have a few friends who are and who have shared their experiences with me. The common thread I get is that they tend to like what they like and they express themselves according to how masculine or feminine they feel that day. They find having labels for sexuality (i.e. gay, straight, bi) can be limiting and box people in from really exploring what they do and don't like in some cases. And finally, masculinity and femininity is seen as gender neutral so even if they feel feminine one day, they might still be more attracted to another similarly feminine partner of the same or opposite assigned gender. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that especially compared to a lot of people on this forum, they don't over think attraction and try to play up a type of polarity. They just like what they like and that's that. 

Also, just in general, a lot of LGBTQ people tend to make fun of straight people and their binaries because it can manifest in some really cringy ways. Heterofatalism is a whole topic of it's own and while I did write a whole post about it that I believe I linked above, I thought I'd still share a relevant portion: 

On 7/17/2021 at 5:55 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? 

I find it interesting that when I first thought I was asexual, that was easier to accept than the possibility that I may be straight now. I found this video recently about heterofatalism and I thought it was really interesting. 

In the first section from 1:49 to 16:35 the video talks about what straight culture even is and what do LGBTQ people mean when they make fun of straight culture. I really liked this quote about straight culture: 

Quote

11:30- Let's look at straight culture as being a performance of straightness. A culture that finds comfort in binaries and condemns those who don't fit into those binaries.

I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: 

straight cringe.png

are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways.  Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human.  


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

@Derek White  That is really interesting, thanks for sharing. Do you think it is because you have better self-esteem now than you used to as well and you don't define your value by sex, or is it not that?

 

I've never defined my value from sex, but that's not it. I am afraid it might be because of something negative. There can be many reasons. Growing up I didn't have a good relationship with women (except my mom and family members), I got into arguments and fights with them. The girls in my school didn't really like me either. I had very little female interaction in my life. So, I have this belief that I will never get along with women. I know it's bullshit because I've had positive interactions too, but it is in my subconscious mind still. Another reason could be that because I don't like dominant sex and behavior that's expected of men, I am not interested in getting into sexual relationships with women all together. I don't like being the one making moves, I think I may have a slightly submissive sexuality (like a women's) I'm afraid. I'm still straight though. Another reason could be, that I'm too introverted, lazy, and shy. Another reason could be, I am jaded by watching too much porn. Another reason may be that my hormones are messed up, I am kind of skinny and need to put on weight and start building muscle. These all seem like equally viable reasons to me.

Edited by Derek White

“Many talk like philosophers yet live like fools.” — Proverb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Derek White said:

I don't like being the one making moves, I think I may have a slightly submissive sexuality (like a women's) I'm afraid. I'm still straight though. Another reason could be, that I'm too introverted, lazy, and shy. Another reason could be, I am jaded by watching too much porn. Another reason may be that my hormones are messed up, I am kind of skinny and need to put on weight and start building muscle.

All of these sound like feeling inadequate in the face of heteronormative standards. I don't see why being slightly submissive sexually and being skinny would contradict with being straight. 


I have faith in the person I am becoming xD

https://www.theupwardspiral.blog/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

All of these sound like feeling inadequate in the face of heteronormative standards.

Yea.

33 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I don't see why being slightly submissive sexually and being skinny would contradict with being straight. 

Some people assume that being slightly submissive means you are gay. As for being skinny, I meant I may be unhealthy (underweight) that's why my sex drive might be low.


“Many talk like philosophers yet live like fools.” — Proverb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@soos_mite_ah  I agree, this "queers are imposing their values" seems to me like bunch of projections of the cishet people. I have literally struggled so many times because of peer pressure and nonsense like that. Being open to questioning can be really liberating, I think more cishet people should try and attend pride events to experience this freedom.

@Myioko  Those views about breeding pets are interesting. I remember having this conversation with my friend, when we agreed that beastiality is maybe not as immoral as we think, relatively to the fact that we rape animals all the time in slaughterhouses and then kill them. I mean it is still immoral, but basically accepted. It is similar to the question of whether rape or murder is worse. Both can spread disgusting illnesses around too...

@Derek White  I think if you are sensitive and giving as a person, not trying to be macho and stuff, you could literally develop the skill to be both dom and sub. It's like your  sensitivity can just make you enjoy it for the sake of the other. Sure, if you are lazy or have some trauma that is making it hard for you to be giving in this way, I understand that, but still. I also thought I was purely sub, but then I read some of these posts on instagram and kinda got the hang of what doms do and then I enjoyed being in control, it was funny to say the least. There are many dominant girls though, very straightforward and honest, I think they might be attractive for you maybe? Learning to be dom for me improved my imagination and creativity, as well as compassion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@bejapuskas

Another reason that I forgot to mention, is that as you become more spiritual your mind starts to deconstruct reality. Our mind projects sexiness on to situations. Things are not inherently romantic or sexy. You start to deconstruct that once you become more aware. So much of sex is in our minds. Now, I do have urges to masturbate, but I don’t sustain the construction beyond that point. That’s why I say I’m somewhere on the spectrum. This may be one of the biggest reasons. 

It’s the same way with life purpose. Leo talked about it in the Dangerous of Psychedelics episode. Life purpose is a construction, like sexiness. As you become more conscious by taking psychedelics, you will start to question and deconstruct your life purpose. That’s why it’s not recommended to take psychedelics if you want to focus on your career, as it will make you less productive. That episodes talks about the dangers of being spiritual in general. 

Preference for boobs, ass, BDSM, footfetish, height preference, MILFs, teens, dom/sub, roleplaying, scenarios, pizza boy, nurse, celebrity, lips, legs, thighs; finding all this sexy is a mental construction. Maybe something like heterosexuality is deeply coded so it’s harder to deconstruct, but a footfetish and a dom/sub fetish are easier to deconstruct. There’s also the intensity of the desire/construct. Maybe it’s enough intensity to make you masturbate but not enough to motivate you to have sex or approach random people. It also varies depending on the mood and day.


“Many talk like philosophers yet live like fools.” — Proverb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now