Extreme Pain and the Loss of All Fear

[Gili Trawangan]

I don’t think there’s anyone else in my life that would get this, so I’m sharing this experience with the people of the forum. It’s a very deep “spiritual experience”, if we are to call it anything.

I’d had it pretty easy since my deepest awakening to God/Infinite Love two years ago. A few health issues since then, but nothing special, for the most part just an easy life, feeling happy and fulfilled most of the time. At the same time, paradoxically, I did notice that I was gradually becoming more fearful as I integrated that awakening. I was holding on to those good times and to the fluffy notions of Love and as a result developed the fear of losing those good feelings in the future and made a shadow of the unconditional aspect of Love. It was noticeable, I became hypersensitive to stories that involved extreme pain and suffering and was subtly trying to avoid them.

In addition, I had slowly begun forming some beliefs about that awakening and the nature of God. And the experience of dying just before that awakening had been quite traumatic, because it came with deep suffering and resistance. During these two years, I even entertained the notion that maybe once you’ve awakened to God, then there’s no more need for pain and therefore it won’t be experienced – well, the last few days have harshly disabused me of that silly idea.

On Monday evening I began experiencing extreme pain, first in the stomach and then the lower back on my left side. That night was awful, I was experiencing new levels of pain that I didn't know/remember were possible. I prayed to God for mercy. I promised that I would take better care of my body. I would never become complacent about life ever again.

The next morning I went to the hospital. Almost fainted from the pain on the way there, and then had to go through the hassle of trying to find the emergency room in a hospital where nobody seemed to speak English – I’m in Vietnam and don’t speak the language.

In the emergency room, I had to wait for hours in the most extreme pain that I’ve ever experienced – a 10 out of 10 level of pain that just won’t quit. No breaks, no intervals, just non-stop pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I was non-stop howling in pain and even fainted briefly while waiting for the CT scan. They only gave me a shot to kill the pain after the second CT scan – hours after I’d arrived in the emergency room.

It turned out that I have a kidney stone. It’s lodged in the ureter, near the bladder. After the injection, the pain subsided and I was sent home with some medication and was instructed to drink loads of water, the stone is apparently small enough to be passed without the need for surgery.

The next few days were ok, experiencing crises sometimes but nothing as bad as that first one. This morning, though, it got worse again. And the pain was again at extreme levels, there was nowhere to hide. I put on some music, laid down and slowly felt how I was opening up to the experience. Beauty was recognized in the whole experience, and also there was a deep sense of compassion. Cried my eyes out.

And then it hit me. In the midst of the pain. A timeless insight. There was no more fear. There was no more fear of ANYTHING. Death felt like a joke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that death will be an awesome experience. But it went way beyond that. There was no more fear of extreme pain. If pain is to occur, then that’s what will occur. There wasn’t even fear of non-existence. Who cares about non-existence? There was simply no fear whatsoever. None. Over.

I think it’s dangerous and a trap to look at spirituality as only butterflies and rainbows. I’ve fallen into that trap. I know that sometimes we say that consciousness can be brutal, and it’s actually pretty easy to say it, but it’s a whole other story when the insight occurs and the fear directly falls away.

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that this is something that has been added to me, the person. I don’t think so. Fear may arise again, but the thing is I’m not scared of fear either. There’s just no fear of anything. And that’s God. That’s the unconditional aspect of Love. It’s utterly fearless. There was no mystical experience, no fireworks, just a sudden insight that was so immediate and deep that I wanted to share it.

 

[SQAAD]

@Gili Trawangan

1 hour ago, Gili Trawangan said:

 

And then it hit me. In the midst of the pain. A timeless insight. There was no more fear. There was no more fear of ANYTHING. Death felt like a joke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that death will be an awesome experience. But it went way beyond that. There was no more fear of extreme pain. If pain is to occur, then that’s what will occur. There wasn’t even fear of non-existence. Who cares about non-existence? There was simply no fear whatsoever. None. Over.

I think it’s dangerous and a trap to look at spirituality as only butterflies and rainbows. I’ve fallen into that trap. I know that sometimes we say that consciousness can be brutal, and it’s actually pretty easy to say it, but it’s a whole other story when the insight occurs and the fear directly falls away.

Interesting story. It seems like you went through a lot of sh*t and came out the other end a lot stronger. My biggest fear is fear of extreme pain. But not just any kind of pain. I mean pain of getting brutally tortured by some Mexican drug cartel. Lol. That's my worst nightmare ever.

It has made non-duality kinda traumatic for me..God is definetely not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact the level of pain/suffering we can experience is ridiculous. I guess this shows how much God is willing to take. It shows how fearless is God.

Despite all the extreme pain, i have faith in God's infinite intelligence. I know the pain will eventually end. God is fearless but not stupid.

Edited October 15, 2021 by SQAAD

[Gili Trawangan]

56 minutes ago, SQAAD said:

@Gili Trawangan

Interesting story. It seems like you went through a lot of sh*t and came out the other end a lot stronger. My biggest fear is fear of extreme pain. But not just any kind of pain. I mean pain of getting brutally tortured by some Mexican drug cartel. Lol. That's my worst nightmare ever.

It has made non-duality kinda traumatic for me..God is definetely not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact the level of pain/suffering we can experience is ridiculous. I guess this shows how much God is willing to take. It shows how fearless is God.

Despite all the extreme pain, i have faith in God's infinite intelligence. I know the pain will eventually end. God is fearless but not stupid.

@SQAAD The pain of getting brutally tortured is just extreme pain followed by death. Maybe with gory images of the body, at worst.

God is certainly not scared of that, which means that ultimately you aren't scared of it either, you only think you are. I understand, the fear arises, but that's all it is, it arises and it can just as easily disappear.

I do agree with you though, all pain comes to an end and the ultimate nature of God is peace/nothingness.