zazen

Hurt a girl, what to do... ethical way of dating?

61 posts in this topic

I was friends with a girl, which turned into dating each other over 2 months although we both knew we were looking for different things (her commitment, me something more casual). I had told her from the beginning and was honest, however we still had chemistry and attraction and ended up being physical. Every time we met it was physical although I was hesitant about sex due to knowing she wants something serious, she complied with just keeping it casual not saying anything which made me think its fine and so we ended up sleeping together once. Didn't push to sleep together again and then she was being cold at which point she wasn't comfortable keeping things casual and wants something more serious. 

 

The situation was causing her a lot of anxiety as she didn't know where we stand and wanted something more from me that I'm unable to offer. I only found out later after we talked and decided to be friends that she's been on some medication for depression/anxiety that was mostly caused by the stress of the situation. I said I can keep my physical impulse aside and be there as a friend for emotional support etc. She's agreed but a bit hesitantly saying she can't be friends with someone she liked a lot. 

 

In this situation, would you think its right for me to stay friends or would that just remind her of me again and again only keeping her more depressed or should I cut contact cold turkey, or slowly over time and let her handle her emotions? I'm not sure how she became so emotionally attached after only sleeping together once. Was it maybe the stress of what the friend group think or may judge her for sleeping without getting a relationship out of it? 

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Morally its better to get out so she doesn’t get needlessly hurt if someone wants something more. Although I’m an ass so I wouldn’t have done so either :S

Edited by Spiral

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17 minutes ago, zazen said:

I was friends with a girl, which turned into dating each other over 2 months although we both knew we were looking for different things (her commitment, me something more casual). I had told her from the beginning and was honest, however we still had chemistry and attraction and ended up being physical. Every time we met it was physical although I was hesitant about sex due to knowing she wants something serious, she complied with just keeping it casual not saying anything which made me think its fine and so we ended up sleeping together once. Didn't push to sleep together again and then she was being cold at which point she wasn't comfortable keeping things casual and wants something more serious. 

 

The situation was causing her a lot of anxiety as she didn't know where we stand and wanted something more from me that I'm unable to offer. I only found out later after we talked and decided to be friends that she's been on some medication for depression/anxiety that was mostly caused by the stress of the situation. I said I can keep my physical impulse aside and be there as a friend for emotional support etc. She's agreed but a bit hesitantly saying she can't be friends with someone she liked a lot. 

 

In this situation, would you think its right for me to stay friends or would that just remind her of me again and again only keeping her more depressed or should I cut contact cold turkey, or slowly over time and let her handle her emotions? I'm not sure how she became so emotionally attached after only sleeping together once. Was it maybe the stress of what the friend group think or may judge her for sleeping without getting a relationship out of it? 

You two need to move on.

Edited by SamC

"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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Yeah, these things get messy. Let it go, if you want.

I would now, knowing what I know about this exact situation.


"When you Look in the sky, Just try looking inside, God Knows what you might find... "Here Comes The Nighttime" -Arcade Fire 

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I don't think the group has anything to do with it.

I think you have to catch the snake before you talk to her, because you continually trip over yourself... 

Maybe this whole thing even started because you wanted sex free of consequences, and now you have no idea how to get out of this. Because you don't want anyone to get hurt- which you gotta admit that this is not a legitimate option at this point!

Talk to her honestly, open up about everything. What have you got to lose now? I mean one of you is going to get hurt at this point anyway, it's a done deal, you might as well give both yourselves the truth. ;)

When I say talk to her honestly, I mean spill the beans. Find your reservations inside of yourself, what you hold back from her. Maybe you could ask yourself, what motivated you to open this thread instead of talking to her? 

Edited by TripleFly

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22 minutes ago, zazen said:

I only found out later after we talked and decided to be friends that she's been on some medication for depression/anxiety that was mostly caused by the stress of the situation.

This is a shitty thing for her to blame on you. Red flag IMO.

Sure, maybe the situation is stressful and you could have acted better. But if she needs medication, there is something much deeper she is struggling with than “this guy I slept with once won’t be my boyfriend”.

25 minutes ago, zazen said:

In this situation, would you think its right for me to stay friends or would that just remind her of me again and again only keeping her more depressed or should I cut contact cold turkey, or slowly over time and let her handle her emotions? I'm not sure how she became so emotionally attached after only sleeping together once. Was it maybe the stress of what the friend group think or may judge her for sleeping without getting a relationship out of it? 

I think I’d release her into the wild in this case.

I’m all for friends. But she already said she doesn’t want that. So probably best to just drop the whole thing and for both of you to find someone more compatible.


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Sounds like the girl has an anxious attachment, so she’s attracted to someone with an avoidant attachment (you?)  

I’ve been full of anxiety in the past over guys before, it’s rooted in fear of being abandoned… it takes many years to work through.

A best partnership for someone who is anxious, is someone who has secure attachment.

let the girl go and allow her to find someone who is more suited to her and can meet her needs and wants….

Try and cut contact it will be better for everyone. 

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Thanks everyone for the input!

 

1 hour ago, Spiral said:

Morally its better to get out so she doesn’t get needlessly hurt if someone wants something more. Although I’m an ass so I wouldn’t have done so either :S

I thought the moral thing to do is be friends to take care of her through the process, but if she can't handle it then obviously need to leave.

 

1 hour ago, TripleFly said:

I don't think the group has anything to do with it.

I think you have to catch the snake before you talk to her, because you continually trip over yourself... 

Maybe this whole thing even started because you wanted sex free of consequences, and now you have no idea how to get out of this. Because you don't want anyone to get hurt- which you gotta admit that this is not a legitimate option at this point!

Talk to her honestly, open up about everything. What have you got to lose now? I mean one of you is going to get hurt at this point anyway, it's a done deal, you might as well give both yourselves the truth. ;)

When I say talk to her honestly, I mean spill the beans. Find your reservations inside of yourself, what you hold back from her. Maybe you could ask yourself, what motivated you to open this thread instead of talking to her? 

We'v spoken, the attraction is there but Im not ready for a relationship as have other priorities in life. I think that's the hardest part, is her knowing I like her but can't be with her at the same time out of practicality ( seems cold hearted ). Compatible in heart just not in situation. Would be easier if one of us just didn't like each other, as no one wants someone who doesn't want them generally. 

 

@aurum Yeah, everyone has their own agency over their emotions and actions at the end of the day. I think it's in us men to want to protect so that instinct kicks in also, especially people we care for. 

 

@Thunder Kiss That makes a lot of sense according to attachment theory, can be tied to abandonment issues. 

 

Thought that maybe its possible to show a new path forward and that not all guys can be so cruel. A lot of guys maybe scare away after break ups or the players ghost girls which in turn bitters them even more and makes it harder for them to trust men in the future. To avoid this and leave her better than I met her, felt i'd go this route to put her trust back into men. Usually men and women get to know each other sleeping together a few times before figuring out if their a match and ending things. These kind of experiences makes one feel bad for the emotional trauma it can cause just in order to find that relationship you eventually want to be in, and yet it seems the only way to get it in the end. Honesty is the best policy to help you sleep better at night when dating, knowing that at least we'v done our part morally, and if people get hurt that is their own journey to get stronger through. 

 

On a side note: If you logically tell girls your not looking for anything serious, but yet with your actions start to show boyfriend behaviours ie (buying gifts, daily calling/texting, overly affectionate and soppy) that triggers their emotions in such a way it can confuse them and start to mess with their heads. Guys can start to easily fall into this frame as it is enjoyable to do these gestures, but it does send the wrong signal, even if you've said nothing serious is wanted.

Edited by zazen

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Obviously she is really attracted to you and you are not serious about her. This breaks her heart. What do you think will happen?

Most decent girls will not be okay with "just something casual". You make her feel like a cheap slut.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Obviously she is really attracted to you and you are not serious about her. This breaks her heart. What do you think will happen?

Most decent girls will not be okay with "just something casual". You make her feel like a cheap slut.

It does come across that way, or thats how she feels although there was honesty from the start. In our liberal society with hook up culture around its easy to think you can relate with someone in different ways such as friends with benefits, open relationships, polyamory stage green getting traction etc. Thought by being honest it could be kept on that level, but I guess everyone is different. The friendship route afterwards is to make her not feel used. 

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10 hours ago, zazen said:

The friendship route afterwards is to make her not feel used. 

Dude, get real. 95% of girls want serious relationships, not friends with benefits or open relationships or whatever.

You can't make her feel better with some "friendship route". Most girls are sleeping with you because they expect to be your girlfriend.

If you want to be ethical about dating then you should try to fuck only those people who you might want to be in a relationship with. Unless perhaps you're just clubbing and having obvious one night stands with girls who clearly understand it's just a one night stand from a party. But in this case you don't see them after that one night. And still, you will hurt some girls even then.

You can't just have sex with a bunch of people and not hurt anyone in the process. You're kidding yourself.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Dude, get real. 95% of girls want serious relationships, not friends with benefits or open relationships or whatever.

You can't make her feel better with some "friendship route". Most girls are sleeping with you because they expect to be your girlfriend.

If you want to be ethical about dating then you should be try to fuck only those people who you might want to be in a relationship with. Unless perhaps you're just clubbing and having obvious one night stands with girls who clearly understand it's just a one night stand. But in this case you don't see them after that one night. And still, you will hurt some girls even then.

You can't just have sex with a bunch of people and not hurt anyone in the process. You're kidding yourself.

So, then do slutty girls only makeup 5% of all of adolescent and adult females throughout the entire world?

Have shows like Sex and the City been exaggerating many women's desire to have casual sex?

Also, what about the millions of girls out there in the world who are on apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Pure, fwbdr, etc. to find a guy to hookup with for fun?

Furthermore, why does this female dating coach say in this vid that there are plenty of women out there who are not looking for a serious relationships or to get married ASAP or have babies and instead want to have non-committal sexual relationships?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9tBNhXQ8Sc

Why have male dating coaches like Locario said that fuckbuddies are important for guys to have before you start considering getting into a serious relationship with a girl?

Even his girl in that vid straight up talked about how great it was when she had a fuckbuddy and agrees that it's a really good idea.

 

 

Edited by Hardkill

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1 hour ago, Hardkill said:

So, then do slutty girls only makeup 5% of all of adolescent and adult females throughout the entire world?

Have shows like Sex and the City been exaggerating many women's desire to have casual sex?

Also, what about the millions of girls out there in the world who are on apps such as Tinder, Bumble, Pure, fwbdr, etc. to find a guy to hookup with for fun?

Furthermore, why does this female dating coach say in this vid that there are plenty of women out there who are not looking for a serious relationships or to get married ASAP or have babies and instead want to have non-committal sexual relationships?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9tBNhXQ8Sc

Why have both male dating coaches like Locario said that fuckbuddies are important for guys to have before you start considering getting into a serious relationship with a girl?

Even his girl in that vid straight up talked about how great it was when she had a fuckbuddy.

 

 

Because all these videos are made for guys.

The more you believe that women are out there looking for casual sex, the more you will be able to find it. It suits your needs to believe it.

But Leo is right. Sure, women enjoy sex. And they might settle for casual sex at times. But really what most of them want is an intimate relationship, which is also where the sex becomes the most enjoyable for them.


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@zazen The fact is that you don't owe women a relationship after having sex with them, such an ideological position is as absurd as ''women owe me sex just because I feel attracted to them''. 

Nevertheless, be clear and straight up with your communication to reduce emotional damage. If you don't plan on having a formal relationship with her, hint at the fact that you are not interested in that from the very beginning. 

It would be more emotionally beneficial for both of you to part ways. 

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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I don't understand what you're thinking zazen. You say you want to be with her, what's stopping you? Career? Money? Time? 

Did you ask her if she's willing to put up with with what's holding you back?

I mean can you honestly tell me that you're not completely full of it? That you're not just wanting to have free sex? That's legit man, but first thing's first is you gotta know what you're doing.

Now I think I finally get what's happening here, and it's really tragic so your girl's emotions make sense too. You're unconsciously sending a message that you don't want to be with her. 

You can get free sex, just be in a relationship with her. but no. so again:

What's stopping you from being with her? Is she ugly for you? You don't have enough money? 

 

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12 hours ago, zazen said:

she was being cold at which point she wasn't comfortable keeping things casual and wants something more serious. 

She said she wanted commitment from the beginning. She obliged to casual sleeping (though this is your version of the story, hers might be different) , but maybe she was doing that in hopes that you two will be together. 

It is very unlikely that the girl who said she wants committed relationship is suddenly okay with casual thing. She's not.

Other thing. Leo's right. Many many girls want committed intimate relationship. This sexual liberty and freedom shit is damaging to women. It encourages them to do hook up more, but did you see how those girls turned out to be? Most of them are not happy with that way of life. That should tell us something. 

Guys thinking they can be casual and not cause any damage along the way are delusional. You certainly do. Especially when you know a girl likes you. 

I had a guy who hurt me just by us making out one night and not sending me any follow-up message the next morning. Or, ever, after that. And he knew I really liked him. I certainly felt used.

Edited by somegirl

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Of course casual sex happens and fuckbuddies sometimes work (for a while, always for a while).

But I think those are exceptional situations, like temporary coping mechanisms people take because they cannot find the right partner or they have some psychological baggage they are avoiding or in the middle of working through. Many guys have a deep fear of intimacy and commitment. Or are looking for a hotter girl.

Even as a guy, you should notice that when you meet an amazing girl you want more with her than casual sex, and it will break your heart if she dumps you. Guys get attached too.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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11 minutes ago, somegirl said:

I had a guy who hurt me just by us making out one night and not sending me any follow-up message the next morning. Or, ever, after that. And he knew I really liked him. I certainly felt used.

Of course that happens. But don't forget girls pull such shit all the time too. This scenario is not at all limited to guys.

You know how many girls I've built connections with who never had the decency to call me back?

This shit is like the norm. And of course it stings like a bitch.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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