Lyubov

Feeling hurt that my girlfriend commented that my crying bothers her

72 posts in this topic

@Lyubov  David Deida is such a treasure, seriously, he is on a level waaaaaay higher than any  PUA will ever be. What he has helped me in my last relationship is just beyond words.

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This is just a case of lack of understanding of emotions, men and women don't really understand emotions that well. It takes a lot of skill and knowledge to understand emotions. Women act out of emotions, but that doesn't meant that they understand them. Then there's men, who usually ignore their emotions. 


Love life and your Health, INFJ Visionary

 

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@Lyubov at least you were honest. I do sens a lot of clinginess from your side though. The simple fact you're so worried about the matter sells it out. To borrow kind of a new agy wording, maybe take some time alone and really connect with your masculine side. Whatever she thinks should absolutely not impact your well being, she's "only" your girlfriend. You might think that it's easy for an outsider to give such advice and that your case is a special one, but I've been through the same. And that will hugely play in your favor in your spiritual work, since you mentionned it.

The only thing that won't change in your experience is the unshakable truth of your being, and you can literally draw from it unlimited strenght of will (and love). Your girl can break up with you tomorrow if she wants. 


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@Lyubov

She has issues with her crying, and her judgement, not yours. But you kinda sorta (trust, closing up, validation) lookin to make it yours too. But I suggest it’s a bit paradoxical, and she’s talking about suppression but hasn’t realized it yet (she’s in the projecting phase). You’ll find the middle way more readily for having expressed & released, vs holding it in, and carrying the weight. 


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20 minutes ago, flyingwhalee said:

@Lyubov at least you were honest. I do sens a lot of clinginess from your side though. The simple fact you're so worried about the matter sells it out. To borrow kind of a new agy wording, maybe take some time alone and really connect with your masculine side. Whatever she thinks should absolutely not impact your well being, she's "only" your girlfriend. You might think that it's easy for an outsider to give such advice and that your case is a special one, but I've been through the same. And that will hugely play in your favor in your spiritual work, since you mentionned it.

The only thing that won't change in your experience is the unshakable truth of your being, and you can literally draw from it unlimited strenght of will (and love). Your girl can break up with you tomorrow if she wants. 

Well-spoken.

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It's okay to cry aha

You know, each partner we have teaches us about ourselves, relationships, intimacy. A lot of men are taught that crying is feminine and weak.

I say... CRY LIKE A MAN!

It's okay to cry. We need more men crying. More people in general crying..

"Don't wanna fight don't wanna die...

Just wanna hear you cry...."

 

Edited by Thought Art

"When you Look in the sky, Just try looking inside, God Knows what you might find... "Here Comes The Nighttime" -Arcade Fire 

Qigong and Spirituality +Vlog - Thought Art

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24 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

It's okay to cry aha

You know, each partner we have teaches us about ourselves, relationships, intimacy. A lot of men are taught that crying is feminine and weak.

I say... CRY LIKE A MAN!

It's okay to cry. We need more men crying. More people in general crying..

"Don't wanna fight don't wanna die...

Just wanna hear you cry...."

 

Yeah, nice post.

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@Lyubov

Your behavior sounds healthy to me. And I believe you are justified in feeling hurt.

How can a person trust their partner 100% if they cannot cry in front of them?

At the end of the day, just own yourself. I have cried in front of my partner before and she actually saw it as a sign of trust, and it brought us closer together. 

Edited by SgtPepper

"The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which God sees me." 

- Meister Eckhart

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10 hours ago, Lyubov said:

Thanks! Very wise words. The thing about my girlfriend is that she is actually very inquisitive and working on growing herself. Our relationship is extremely healing for the both of us. I've touched her deeply and even though we have been through a ton I always find the words to and a way to be strong and lead us to another level. I would say my girlfriend is actually quite supportive and is learning how to support positive behaviors in men (I'm teaching her and she deeply trusts me). Just what happened this weekend was the most powerful experience we both have been through to date and in her words the most powerful release she has felt in years so she is still processing it and actually gave me an incredibly sweet comment about how I've helped her more through this relationship than anyone she's been with. We just got done talking about it and have found some great understanding between us so I look forward to what life throws at us next now and what new layer is uncovered :)

Well, wise words back at you ^_^

It seems like you guys have turned this situation into mutual growth and she's been receptive to what you had to say. It's awesome!

Knowing how to deal with a perspectival barrier (which are meant to happen) and manage to bridge back both POV together is very important. Seems like you guys have the both the skills to do that.

 


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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You can do crying but gotta maintain that masculine edge.

You have to balance tenderness with dominance. For example, you cry together, but then you tie her hands up and fuck her brains out like a dirty slut so she feels your dominant masculine energy.

This is why you have to be careful not to listen to women's advice on attraction. The advice they give you is their ideals and fantasies, not the cold hard reality which makes them wet. Regardless of their ideals, they want a man with a strong edge. That's what turns them on. But they will often gaslight you about this by telling you to be more sensitive.

Being too nice to women tends to backfire. This is the reality.

A few women can appreciate it, but many can't. Women are often conflicted about what they want. They say they want a nice, developed guy but in practice they get turned on by undeveloped jerk behavior because it will make her feel feminine.

But in general, part of the challenge of being intimate, vulnerable, and authentic with someone is that they might reject you precisely for being you. Vulnerability and authenticity does not guarantee attraction. Which is precisely why guys love to manipulate and be inauthentic with women, because they are trying to be what they think the woman wants. So, many guys try to act more macho than they really are. This too can backfire. But it can also work. Which is why guys do it.

The bottom line is: you gotta learn to carefully balance the intimate with the dominant/masculine. And you also gotta find a girl at your level who can appreciate this more mature form of masculinity.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura I think there may be a distinction between attraction and love, empathy & connection 

Edited by Jacob Morres

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4 minutes ago, Jacob Morres said:

@Leo Gura I think there may be a distinction between attraction and love, empathy and connection 

Yes, of course.

In this case this girl is telling him: "I'm losing attraction for you".

Raw attraction is what makes her wet. Love is a different matter. You can have one without the other and vice versa.

It's like two balls that you're juggling and you gotta keep them in balance.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Leo Gura It's not that womem are confused about what they want. Simply, they recognize that feminine energy is healing, so they encourage that, also because being themselves feminine, they feel more attuned and connected to feminine energy in others. But they don't endorse getting rid of masculine energy in the process of accessing more feminine energy. They want both in a man. They want both masculine and feminine AND they want a man who has CONTROL over this balanced mix.

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@Leo Gura 

He will anyway bounce back in his predominant energy. Crying doesn't mean he needs to immediately retaliate and get into a reactive mode to prove he is a strong dude. Doing this would look quite insecure to me, to be honest.

There are plenty of occasion for a man to show up in his masculine energy and make you feel feminine. I'd say that actually, you will be very happy as a woman if you can give him some space for beauty every now and then.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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14 hours ago, Lyubov said:

I feel like hiding this stuff goes against spiritual work and being a truly honest, strong and brave man.

The universe gave you a challenge. Are you capable of loving even after being hurt? Is your love shaky or solid?

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30 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Yes, of course.

In this case this girl is telling him: "I'm losing attraction for you".

Raw attraction is what makes her wet. Love is a different matter. You can have one without the other and vice versa.

It's like two balls that you're juggling and you gotta keep them in balance.

This.  

She is definately sending out an honest warning. She could of just stayed quiet. There might be more going on beyond this event. Most likely there is.  Not all guys know how to balance masculinity and femininity properly. 

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@Lyubov

Leo is spot on. I'll add that women's base line experience of life is fear, being the more vulnerable sex  physically this is hardwired into their biology and so they seek security through strength, and men seek to show their strength. Most people aren't evolved or mature to acknowledge the vulnerabilities in either sex and to have compassion for them, and even if they do, their biological response on a attraction level will do its own thing, in this case drop. She loves you, but is not in love with you as much after seeing weakness. Her sense of security was threatened as she saw weakness in the man she depended on for that security (be it emotional, physical etc), this is all mostly unconcious of course, so its not to become bitter towards her, its just nature.  Women have a hard time carrying the burden of emotion as it is, being weak as men burdens them further and so they need to seek strength elsewhere or in absence of finding it become strong them selves and develop more masculine traits (sometimes too excess) at the expense of their femininity which is their more natural disposition. 

Women love differently, learn this and set expectations accordingly. Men have other men to out let their emotions to, or out lets such as sport, exercise, meditation etc. We need to be strong, not weak as men,but still have space for moments of weakness. Unfortunately even moments of weakness can be enough to turn some women off. 

 

""

The folly of man’s nature lies in the belief that the loyalty quintessential to woman’s maternal instinct will be available within a romantic context. He believes rather foolishly, that as his mother loved him, the idealised girlfriend could. He sees how women love their children, and upon making such an observation concludes that women are capable of great love. This is true, they are. Only sadly, this great love is a love reserved solely for children, it extends not to man. As such, man has an idealisation of woman’s love, not a realisation.

Man desires that which is unattainable to him, unaware the love he desires is maternal in nature, unable to be felt for him. Nature plays a cruel trick on the psychology of man. It gives him a very pure, high quality love in his childhood. It gives him a template for woman’s love that he comes to expect as standard of all women. He is taught by his mother’s love that unconditional loyalty, noble character, gentleness, sacrifice and trust are intrinsic of the feminine essence. And so as he grows from a boy into a man he comes to the rather logical conclusion that if he is “a good man,” he can expect to be loved by his lover in much the same way. His mother, well-meant but quite incorrectly likewise affirms this notion to him. This is a wicked lie, but a man whose heart is yet to be broken does not realise this. He thinks woman’s love is immutable. He knows not that her love for child is different from that of her love for him.

And so man longs to be loved like a child, not realising such a love is reserved for children. Believing that the love he covets is romantic love, when truly it is maternal love. Such a man of course lacks the experience or nuance of mind to make this distinction. And so the tragedy for this man is learning that women do not love men like they love children.

 

''

Edited by zazen

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Her reaction was malajusted. She has been acting out of trauma. She said it and pretty much everyone in here agree. 

So why are there so many here advising others to adapt themselves to problematic behaviors? One should either work around it, or find another partner.

I'd suggest these people to reconsider doing this in their own life and certainly not encourage others in this direction. Find more compatible romantic interests instead of resorting to inauthentic schemes to make an objective limitation work. You are pushing water uphill.

No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature. 

Edited by Etherial Cat

Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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