Vrubel

I build a lot of sexual tension and trust but she leaves

42 posts in this topic

I took this girl home on our second date. She was super into me, we intimately danced, made out and basically, all the touch barriers were breached. Throughout our date I felt very grounded, masculine and secure. We didn't have sex because of responsibilities she had the next morning and she needed to take the last train, so basically because of logistics (we only spent a little over a half-hour at my place). I could tell she was having a good time and would have had easily slept over if it wasn't for these logistics. If I was more of a pick-up pro I would have definitely slept with her but I made the judgment that day to let her go, out of respect, non-neediness, and a sureness that she would come back. 

But the next week when I started to plan our next date she came with the "as a friend" spiel. 

She is not my only option but I am still bummed out that she left and I mainly want to learn from this experience. Was I not enough of a dick? (though I definitely created negative spikes, most of the time I am very gentlemanly. I also have the balls to kiss her and escalate with touch. So why would she leave after the sexual tension, trust, and the very decent investment on her part? 

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Women can be fickle creatures. They run on moods and sometimes when the mood is right but you don't close the deal, she will feel weird about it the next day and lose her mood and change her mind about you.

In general you gotta strike when the iron is hot. One of the principles is: don't get a girl turned on unless your logistics are good enough to close the deal. Otherwise she is likely to feel slutty the next day and have a change of heart.

It's not necessarily that you did anything wrong. Sometimes you just can't close for practical reasons and you lose her. That is common. Sounds like you took plenty of action, which is great. You just didn't consider the logistics well enough. That's probably your only place for improvement. Failure to account for logistics is a killer.

Or, if you plan on dating her over multiple dates then don't escalate so hot and heavy. Be more subtle about it. So either go harder and close quickly or go slower and subtler. If you do it half-way it can feel awkward for her.

One thing you should learn from this experience is asking about her work schedule and plans early on, so you can factor that into your plans. Don't go into a late night date clueless about her work situation tomorrow. You should also not set your dates too late into the night. These little details add up. And the only way to learn them is to fail a lot.

Then again, if this girl truly liked you, she should have agreed to more future dates. Maybe you just sorta pressured her to go along with you in the moment but you didn't catch that she wasn't really that into you. If a girl is really into you, she should want more dates. There needs to be certain chemistry there. If the chemistry isn't clicking then that's the problem. And sometimes you just won't have the right chemistry with a girl. It's never guaranteed.

In the end, she has to want you. There is no trick around that other than rape. If you sense that she doesn't want you, you have to be willing to let her go. And then frame it to yourself as, "Oh well, she lost a great guy. She couldn't appreciate what I was offering therefore she didn't really deserve what I was offering." This whole thing doesn't really work unless she respects you as a man and values what you're offering. Many girls are clueless and will just overlook a great man. Or maybe you're not such a great man, in which case raise your value.

The bottom line is this: when she is with you, she has to say to herself, "OMG! This guy is awesome! I will never find one like him in 20 years." Build yourself into that kind of guy.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Maybe she was just being 'polite' at the time, but wasnt actually feeling it. Sometimes when act sexual out of politeness... 

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41 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

In general you gotta strike when the iron is hot. One of the principles is: don't get a girl turned on unless your logistics are good enough to close the deal. Otherwise she is likely to feel slutty the next day and have a change of heart.

this is 24 karat gold. Mood is relative. If you spike her " buying temperature" too soon without proper logistics, she will " go cold" from that point on. Her mood declines from there on and you didn't seal the deal.  " the magic" gets lost

Edited by mmKay

Certified lazy skeptic and armchair philosopher

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1 hour ago, Vrubel said:

But the next week when I started to plan our next date she came with the "as a friend" spiel. 

I don't know exactly what she told you, but consider the possibility that she doesn't mean it. It might just be some kind of defense mechanism.

I would brush it off and say jokingly "sure, friends ;)" and then proceed to the date as planned. And seduce her then.


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Relationships (whatever they are) are subject to disconnection from the other part. This can happen anytime, regardless of your own quality due to the fact that the other has the choice to leave it.

From your narration, you seem to have been very high value. And she was obviously charmed.

Now her context seems to have change. Maybe she recontextualized stuff.

What I would do is to keep it gracious despite the hurt (and maybe keep on the back of my head she came up with a cheap explanation) and proceed like you're moving on. And actually move on, because you don't have the choice anyway. The closer you can keep to the pattern "What would someone who loves himself and still respect her choice would do?" the better you'll be.

By noticing she might lose a great guy, she might come back and be pushed to mend the relationship and give you an explanation on why she disconnected. Then you'll see if you want her back or just keep on looking for another girl. One who is actually available for what you are looking for.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Another reason could be she has a bf /someone she likes / is not ready for dating / etc. 

Maybe communication is key here 

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1 minute ago, Jacob Morres said:

Another reason could be she has a bf /someone she likes / is not ready for dating / etc. 

Maybe communication is key here 

Yes, definitely. But seems like she isn't up to have that discussion and came up with some cover up story. 

Perhaps it still possible without being awkward to ask her what's been up for real.

But I'm not sure she'll be 1) honest about it 2) change her mind afterward.

I personally absolutely hate when someone flakes on me and stop investing. They basically put you on your backfoot waiting for them to make up your mind and keep your emotions hostage. 

It's not to take lightly.


Association with the wise is the root cause for obliterating all misery. -  Tripura Rahasya

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Thanks for the advice and help

@Gili Trawangan It was not a shittest or defense she really lost interest in me.

She sent me a whole respectful paragraph and offered to see each other again but as friends. I told her honestly that I am not interested in being friends and that we can meet and take it slowly from there. But she refused. We respectfully departed ways. 

 

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Then again, if this girl truly liked you, she should have agreed to more future dates. Maybe you just sorta pressured her to go along with you in the moment but you didn't catch that she wasn't really that into you. If a girl is really into you, she should want more dates. There needs to be certain chemistry there. If the chemistry isn't clicking then that's the problem. And sometimes you just won't have the right chemistry with a girl. It's never guaranteed.

On our date we have spent more than 3 hours in multiple places and at some point we headed back to the train station, she was asking me to stay a little longer. I said: "no, at some point it's enough" (in Dutch). This was a "push" and clearly a negative spike for her. At the moment of departure, I said: "we can do two things, we either grab each our own train or you come with me to see my plants (I am into plants)" and so she was very happy to take my train to my town and place. 

 

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

The bottom line is this: when she is with you, she has to say to herself, "OMG! This guy is awesome! I will never find one like him in 20 years." Build yourself into that kind of guy.

 

I see myself as a very high-value young man: due to my psychedelic use I am (relatively) spiritually evolved, chill, centered, fearless and loving. I am very expressive (especially with my eyes), I have ambitions, a job,  passions, I know a lot about history, botany, geography, I do art, have my own place and I travel a lot. 

My weak points are mainly due to my inexperience with women and enormous introversion. Also, I care very little about sport.  (I am short and thin) 

Also, she knew I was high value because she would have seen other girls staring at me when I was with her. Also when we first kissed she was super receptive but maybe I am a horrible kisser. But yeah the real chemistry just wasn't there. 

Edited by Vrubel

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@Vrubel This has happened to me numerous times, and in many of those instances I was able to close after she stated she only wanted to be ''friends''. Her attitude would commonly be very different when you are face to face with her, and are escalating physically. 

This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to continue pursuing this chick, but keep in mind that you can ''flip'' the interaction dynamics after she says she only wants to be friends, you could've simply gone along, slowly amp her emotions up throughout the date, pull her and close the deal once she for sure feels like having sex with you.  

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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dude, the shit you wrote just broke my heart


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@Harlen Kelly  Sure, I could have done that but that's
A: very manipulative (It goes against my integrity and is a very beta tactic)
B: I have options and I'd rather not waste my time on girls that are not into me.
C: She probably just said it to be polite without having real intentions to do so. 

If I was a dick/creep she would have just ghosted me but because I was mostly gentlemen she at least respects me at that level

 

@charlie cho Why? It didn't break my heart so why would it break yours?

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47 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

On our date we have spent more than 3 hours in multiple places and at some point we headed back to the train station, she was asking me to stay a little longer. I said: "no, at some point it's enough" (in Dutch). This was a "push" and clearly a negative spike for her. At the moment of departure, I said: "we can do two things, we either grab each our own train or you come with me to see my plants (I am into plants)" and so she was very happy to take my train to my town and place.

In that case it sounds like it was ON.

Sometimes you will lose girls and have no idea why. Girls don't always make sense.

Try to set up another date with her, even if she says "just friends", and see what you can make happen. And if all else fails, just ask her point blank why she is being so cold. At least that will give you insight into anything you did wrong so you can learn from your mistakes. Or maybe it will just reveal her to be crazy and not worth racking your mind over.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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3 hours ago, Vrubel said:

I took this girl home on our second date. She was super into me, we intimately danced, made out and basically, all the touch barriers were breached. Throughout our date I felt very grounded, masculine and secure. We didn't have sex because of responsibilities she had the next morning and she needed to take the last train, so basically because of logistics (we only spent a little over a half-hour at my place). I could tell she was having a good time and would have had easily slept over if it wasn't for these logistics. If I was more of a pick-up pro I would have definitely slept with her but I made the judgment that day to let her go, out of respect, non-neediness, and a sureness that she would come back. 

But the next week when I started to plan our next date she came with the "as a friend" spiel. 

She is not my only option but I am still bummed out that she left and I mainly want to learn from this experience. Was I not enough of a dick? (though I definitely created negative spikes, most of the time I am very gentlemanly. I also have the balls to kiss her and escalate with touch. So why would she leave after the sexual tension, trust, and the very decent investment on her part? 

Maybe you were so attractive to her you spooked her, and she realized she's not ready for this and just wanted to get away from the intensity of the situation

 

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8 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

In that case it sounds like it was ON.

Sometimes you will lose girls and have no idea why. Girls don't always make sense.

Try to set up another date with her, even if she says "just friends", and see what you can make happen. And if all else fails, just ask her point blank why she is being so cold. At least that will give you insight into anything you did wrong so you can learn from your mistake.

We already wished each other the best so it's very much so swallowing my pride to ask her on another date "as friends".

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@Vrubel It's not manipulative if you understand that women change their minds based primarily on their mood, if she is in the right mood she will most likely sleep with you. 

Having options does not have anything to do with that because the more options you have, the more often you close when given the opportunity, therefore, if you were more abundant you might've been able to close. 

A chick can tell you she just wants to be friends for a plethora of reasons, it does not mean all the time that she is not into you. If you had more experience with women, you would easily understand this point. 

14 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Try to set up another date with her, even if she says "just friends",

Exactly my point, but op would come off as a ''beta'' according to him if he does that. 

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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Chemistry with two people it's not something you can put into formula.

Rather than looking for sleeping with any decent girl, maybe you should look for girls that you are really want? Really really passionate about?

You can't expect from the girl to put you in the 1st place when you see her just as a practice or option for sex, just a number. No matter how good your formulas are or how high quality you think you are.

 

 

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@Harlen Kelly You make good points.

My goodbye text to her was actually kinda cute I made an inside joke that she was more than "an average level of fun" and then I wished her the best. She reacted positively to me and also wished me the best.

What should I text her, if anything at all?

Can I say: I usually never do this but I really enjoyed our time together so I will not mind spending some time as friends.

Edited by Vrubel

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@Vrubel Why didn't you just ask her on the next date? Why say goodbye if you liked her and she was into you?

Sounds like it's too late to change that now, but I'm puzzled why you gave up so easily. Sometimes girls will give bullshit excuses and you just gotta act like it wasn't relevant. The general rule is you keep going for it until she rejects you. Or at least find out why it failed.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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@Vrubel You should've simply kept it light and fun, do not take it too seriously when women say ''let's be friends'' or something similar, dating is a dance not a robotic puzzle. 

It could've been as simple as just playing along, going out ''as friends'', building some rapport for the first 30 minutes of date, looking directly into her eyes and going in for the kiss, keep chatting with a fun and completely dettached energy, pull her to your apartment and the rest would 've happened naturally. 

22 minutes ago, Vrubel said:

Can I say: I usually never do this but I really enjoyed our time together so I will not mind spending some time as friends.

Sure, remember to just keep it fun, and focus primarily on her mood instead of the little details. 

Edited by Harlen Kelly

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