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I stopped wanting to call it "ars amorata". At this point, it is just whatever it is: a series of spontaneous thoughts. I also don't want to talk about trauma however I talked about it before, not that it's possible to continue in that direction anyway.

The point of trauma work is that eventually it ends or it becomes something so entirely different as your relationship to it changes and so do "you". Who wants to keep doing this forever as it stands, particularly when you're practically born with it?

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I am coming to terms much more fully that a great deal of everything in my life before was a waste... in a personal sense, specifically in terms of coming to this point in time/space with my current self, and it being a cumulation of making sense. It is not there.

*I may take an inventory of everything that I learned, observed, and can make use of and create feasibly from this all.

*I don't have to connections I don't want to have, on conditions I don't want to have them, on terms that are meaningless to me. Or, to be able to create varying degrees of anything resembling a personal attachment on any level.

*A reminder to myself: when I write like this, who gives a shit what anyone thinks?

I have to a great degree destroyed the difference between writing in public and writing in private for myself, even if there are still some things that I would choose to keep to myself; a lot of it get regulated to the category. This is a positive thing for me.

*I have mentioned this before: that there is no real alternative to giving up the attachment to being understood, empathized with. In the case of my former life and what brought me here, writing from this sense of attachment feeds it and there's nothing to be gained here, especially now. As a general rule, it's best to keep it to myself rather than to feed it. And it no longer creates the same sort of pulling or overwhelmingly oppressive enclosing sensation, but I have seen and felt enough where the lack of a distinct sensation/ perception is because something is being muffled and “made subconscious” in a sense, and I have no intention to add back to what I have given up so much to in order to wipe out (not that I can be what I was before anyway).

Held from this perspective especially, there are no words or sentiments that I can project through them that really explain what aspects of my former life has been like, other that whatever fragments I've cobbled together in my writing here. And at best, I find that I am taking different perspectives and sides, and every time, in some essential way, I fall woefully short. How can I not? (Narrative sometimes attempts to approximate these experiences, and sometimes succeeds.) The only way for it not to fall short is if somehow by reading it, you were to relive what I went through fully enough. And I'm not sure where that limit for “fully enough” is, especially in some tourist sense of spectating and passing by it.

Although once you let go of this fully, I think this is generally when you stand the greatest change of actually communicating legibly; you need some sense of either psychoemotional “distance” or calm to draw up the lay of the land in this way, or else you tend to get something that might be viscerally very powerful, but likely less coherent in descriptive, evocative communication.

*There is NOTHING really that can make up for that level of loss. And to stop looking and to stop holding onto this, even in the smallest ways, that can only be freeing. Even thinking about this makes zero sense at this point, and it wouldn't have made that much sense before had I had more of a clue of the bigger picture. The only really alternative is to understand and move with “motive” in a fundamentally different way across the board.

*To stop looking toward people for... a certain something.

*To stop looking for people... period. To have stopped. This is where I am at. And also, to have given up on the idea of "home", as previously mentioned. Again, you stand the best change of legibly creating it when you release attachment to the idea of it fully, suggesting that there was something quite inescapably rotten and poisonous about the association as it stood, as it had been known. In my own case, my own idea of home ended up being unreachable by definition ("unrealistically ideal" and impractical, but for multiple reasons).

*I find myself wondering about my motivation to have friends or connections the complete lack of it. It is a bit strange to do something without the intrinsic motivation for it as I have been, and more and more, this is the case; you don't feel the itch. Even if whatever is left of “should” falls really flat. So.... without that, you really need know... THE POINT. What is the point of it? What shared purpose do we have, if any?

I just... don't have the patience to deal with a lot of crap now. Nor do I care to see myself creating it.

*I feel the urge to put myself back in the proverbial box of self isolation and non-communication, even though I know that it will bring me nothing personally as well, to do this. But this feeling of running on a hamster wheel at times during the last two years or so, it gives me time to deal with the trauma of two summers ago and the continuation of aggravating circumstances from which I had not been able to detach myself from fully or to resolve myself, because major traumas always take time. The body itself has to work it out.

I often wake up wondering what the point of it all was lately, knowing full well that the only point of it is what I can make out of it, feeling on the bleak side emotionally at times; I can't really legibly ask anyone to make me feel better about it all at this point meaningfully, can I? This is a strong improvement. And this is why I avoid talking too much about myself personally, when asked how I am. I never go too deep with it. At best, people mean wholly well in some legibly way. Then after that point, there are various degrees of judgment, and that's pretty useless in most cases, as again, in most cases, all it's really telling me is a lot about you and maybe a little about myself (generally what I already know about myself). Anyway, this is a strong improvement, as I face it very directly.

...and I don't really want to hear how awesome or strong I am. I know that I am already. I really don't want to hear about how this all made me into the person that I am today, in a positive sense (I often feel like the implicit suggestion is that... I should be grateful or look for the silver lining. I already do that. For a time, it didn't work at all. For times in the past, it was simply avoiding what I should have faced more directly; it did not resolve me adequately enough.) It goes without saying that I don't have a high tolerance for being treated like “damaged goods” or not worthy of respect, but I never have, generally. And anyway, what's projected onto me is a most direct reflection of the person doing the projecting; that's generally how projection works.

I prefer talking to myself here, or not talking at all a lot of the time lately, or else keeping it pretty light. Generally I find the experience and even the idea of talking to people seriously to be a waste of time for my own sake, as in, talking about myself. Honestly, I would rather just not be asked at all. Firstly: I'm not looking for acceptance or approval exactly, not on a deeper level even if I feel the desire still, because I know that it's a complete waste of time ultimately.

*I'm just generally not very interested in the terms on which anyone thinks I should be doing anything, or not. Move along; my life isn't that interesting anyway.

*I'm not patient at all with people's expectations and projections lately, and generally I prefer to side step it all, lest I do something better with all of this (or alternatively, nothing at all). Damned if I care either way right now, truly. It's pretty neutral.


I also don't care about anyone's assessment of my psychoemotional state and/or progress based on anything I've written (WARNING: THE FACT THAT I AM POINTING THIS OUT IS EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS!! You're free to assume the exact opposite, by the way), based on any ideal. If you've got a razor sharp intuition of people and a sort of clear sight, you may determine something of value about me personally. Otherwise... not so much. And if you do or don't, that is... not my issue.

It's a good enough feeling to be freer from this particular web of judgment, but I have been for a good portion of my life. This here is a return to my sort of "normalcy" that has been present since about 14 or so.

It seems that I have either walked or being dragged forcefully against every grain and many of my self preservation instincts (emotional ones, especially), and all I have to show for it is whatever understanding and insight I've gotten, and what I still myself might make of it all.

The stress and anxiety and need to make "something of it" all has reduced considerably, but this has a left a bit of a void of compulsion. An "eyes wide open" compulsion is a bit strange, from most "normal" understandings of how compulsion work (usually in relation to unconsciousness, numbness, etc.). As previously mentioned, there is really nothing that can offset whatever happened anyway, nothing that I can do or accomplishment, no one that I can find, no sentiment or meaning, etc., it goes on and on. It's all been that much in excess. It's a waste of time and energy and it makes me suffer and there is no desirable outcome or benefit for it. It's dead in the water, but it has been this whole time. There this human tendency to hold onto meaning, to create more of it; it seems tied to the human survival instinct itself (I recall yet again how Victor Frankel said that the only Holocaust victims that survived, according to his observation, were the ones who believed that there was something or someone worth enduring or waiting for.)

Well, I had my own meaning or belief like this in the past; it was worthless "personally speaking" (understand that I mean this in the most emotionally neutral thing: it is nothing of practical or tangible value, and nothing that connects or comes through, and in that way reveals itself to be just about as illegible as I originally intuited). After a certain point, you can legibly make nothing of it in particular because you've just seen and been through too much, you can't unsee it, and it all defies sense-making on some fundamental level. The idea of love in a personal sense? Broken. But in the strangest way, it all has come full circle back to where I was before I had any perception of anyone else but "me" in this experience in my life, connected directly to me, living in a physical body, in this life, in some meaningful way, but there is the understanding that has filled in all these strange gaps in between.

Edited by modmyth

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There is a certain security in knowing that it makes no difference if I'm believed or not ultimately, so as long as I don't believe in those other beliefs (and of course I might ask myself, where did those beliefs/ perceptions come from anyway?).

So we're still playing this game of negotiation of "my belief"/"my mind" vs. not, vs "us".

It's nice if you believe you're in control, maybe you are legibly, maybe you aren't. But I don't want to listen to any of it now. Waste of my time. I mean this to everyone; this isn't something written to one specific person or another.


This all still seems to come in cycles.


I'm also bored of people's incoherent rhetoric, and probably the most of all my own, whatever there is left. I need to stop displacing myself in certain ways, even if this is something that I have done in sometimes subtle ways my whole life.


If you don't know what I'm worth and what I do, or if you have one tiny piece of the map and you think you have it all or most of it... or you have absolutely nothing? Not my problem. That particular cycle is dead and done. Good riddance to that.

So now I have the business of still continuing to work out what I am to myself, and what my life means to myself, and what to do with it in any "personal sense". If I do anything resembling sitting and waiting and talking to people, and trying to make sense in this way, I'm completely wasting my time with that. This too is a deeper form of displacement. The spirit of itself is dead, and not abundant, and there is nothing to be gained from feeding it. (I also am very much responsible for "BAD SPIRIT" or "BAD ATTITUDE" as I always have been, but there's no point in hyperventilating, fixating, and running around in circles with this.)

I've spent enough time peering through people's eyes in their (relative) unawareness of me. This can't go on forever.

I just don't care if anyone thinks my words have authority or value anymore, even less than before, which brings it to about nothing. I suppose I thought it was in my business to care and get invested in a certain way before (because why am I alive anyway still, if not to "Do The Thing"?). It took enough time and energy to let go. In my position, you might come to the conclusion that I would have reached the same result ultimately without so much effort. Maybe it's true, but I preferred to do it this way.

I also have an extremely low patience for anyone insisting that they know the truth of me, perhaps including this in bigger cycle of things, what exactly will happen with this world in both scope and detail, all of these elements together. If there is one thing that I have learned through observation, apparently no one can correctly anticipate what I will do next, just generally. It has been a good example of a profound overreaching in my own expectations of people. It. Just. Doesn't. WORK.

Edited by modmyth

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On this one thought from the post above: "I've spent enough time peering through people's eyes in their (relative) unawareness of me. This can't go on forever."

I spent literally YEARS trying to make sense of myself through other people's eyes, for whatever reason that I felt like no real work could be done otherwise, and it's not just about me myself and I as I understood myself, and my own movements, as I am also bound by my own limited perception and understanding. I went in the direction that "fate"/ intuition/ circumstance sent me; so I believed, and I have mentioned repeatedly that fate especially has no meaning to me now, it's its own special kind of pretense.

You can call this "fantasizing", as in, there is something that does not quite add up in reality/ perspective universally and personally speaking. I do not call it fantasizing. I lived in other people's truth of me (or "ideas" of truth, which is NOT the same as sharing directly with someone, especially where I was). This was based on some past circumstance, and picking up on certain aspects of me based on a certain predisposed understanding. You could say part of this is whatever It is whatever I left most strongly in people, reflected in them in whatever ways it was, and was shaped as an aspect of "personality".

It did leave me very disconnected, incapable, and to some degree unwilling, to live in the physical reality that I found myself in, for sure.

Now, I don't care. I don't live in that space.  I suppose I was never "meant to". In this way, perhaps "home" as an idea of something that I live in with people, as a space they make for me first in SPIRIT and intention (and then eventually, tangible reality) is... literally impossible in my case. I have never seen any suggestion of the opposition.

You get the "truth" because I don't care (aka. "relative nonattachment"), even if not sooner, then later.


Has this all been worth it "personally" so far? No, why would it be? But I have already received and made sense of everything of value that there has been to receive, for the most part, and that that.

Look at everything around us.

It can't stay the way it is.

The truth once again being that "personal" is so illegible now as it was before, and yet... it still matters.  I can't seem to find better words to explain it right now anyway. But there is a lot of work to be done no matter how I feel about it all as it stands.

Edited by modmyth
As a reminder to myself: Who. Cares. How this looks. I care about the purpose judgment serves (or doesn't serve), judgment and intention. I don't care about anything else.

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I have a deep-seated pattern where I feel better in the dark. More relaxed and more free. I tend to distrust overt, excessive praise especially if it strongly appears or I get the sense that you're simply telling me what you think I want to hear, rather than "the truth" (or, the whole of your truth as you know it), or else I tend to ignore it. (Obviously, there are ways to both be as tactful as possible and truthful, unless you really just don't care. Context matters.)

Criticism tends to much be the same way.

There is the question of what the whole scope of this attitude and predisposition attracts and what it pushes away and tends to weed out.


I have a pile of judgments that I could choose to deal with manually, or I could not. I suppose that I might as well. They are mine to live with (or not) either way, are they not? This is a good example of where talking to people too much tends to be a waste of time. (Is this putting the cart before the horse right now though? I guess I'll find out.)

I have a long enough history of seeking provocation in order to get at the heart of something. In a state of enough disarray and hurt especially, it easily becomes a chronic thing. But when things are calmer, not so much.

It's hard to take for granted after completely giving it up.. how valuable it is to be able to turn away from something or someone, to cut them off, to be decisively and conclusively dismissive, practically speaking. To intend to be done with something or someone, and then to actually be done with it. Even if it's not a place to stay either. Your normal habits and defensive mechanisms, although they might be relatively "unconscious", they often exist for a very, very good reason. I get myself now in a very thorough way now, especially in this way; I can at least say that.


General Mood Lately:


A number of people and situations are still very "lap sap" (specifically the way that I have gotten treated and how I have also somehow enabled it). Sometimes I feel that way about myself still a bit.


Hong Kong used to have this mascot in the 60s/70s called "lap sap chong" (the garbage monster) to encourage people to stop littering in the city. This is about my mood lately. There are lots of things that I would like to put in the trash bin (as usual, I guess).

Edited by modmyth
This doesn't feel like it's going anywhere, but it doesn't matter. This is not a quality post, haha.... the question is, what to turn this into?

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"NOTHING TO LOSE": In the last two years alone, I've seen too much of people, far too much. A side that I would have really not have rather seen on some level, emotionally speaking. Can I even call it cynical? To what degree was I simply participating in this all even simply by being present? To respond or not, it didn't really make any different most of the time, did it? But then, I have this deep-seated tendency to chronically look in mirrors: whether other people, myself, or in some other aspect. It all converges toward relative unity one way or another.

But still, it is still mindboggling sometimes. (Generally, that it is means that you are considering it from the "wrong" perspective in a purely practical sense. It is impossible to make sense from that limited perspective.)

I can't find words for it. It's something beyond blame, devastation, and a sense of personal loss, even.

You see what really moves or can move people. Accountability, or the complete lack of it. The collapse of people's previous intentions and meanings (and to some degree, your own as well).

You see the impotence of blame and many flavours of judgment: others, and now, your own especially.

There is nothing else to do but to face it directly, yet again.


There is also no way to come out looking good in this work either ultimately, not to yourself, and perhaps to anyone else either unless you bother to hide or deflect it in some way or another. And it doesn't matter. When you play games with yourself, you spend more time running around in circles. Cause and effect. I think this is a waste of time generally. And I'm glad that I feel like I have no reputation or career or relationships (in the sense of preserving a self-image) to protect here.

This is the way I "want" to live. And honestly... is there any other way left to live? Has there ever been any other way for me, both in what comes naturally, and what would be worthwhile?


There is a return to this feeling in my early 20s: people are not my friends ultimately (so then, by extension, there is the question of what I will do with it). You cannot rely on them to advocate for your best interests and basic wellbeing even, when you can't even do it for yourself properly at times, even if this is in subtle ways that still has ways of getting blown up. So at least some degree of relative distance is doing everyone a favour... isn't it? God, why bother with this at all even then, why would it possibly be worth the effort if you feel like you have to watch your back constantly, even if a little? Well, I tend to be prone to extremes in my preferences when it comes to relationships. I like to be CLOSE or not, even though I won't always act of this desire and impulse, and I have been suspicious of it for years and the various ways in which it tends to create big problems very quickly.

You might say something like this: well, your negative belief about people plays a role in it happening (i.e. LOA), and that's true. But to simply feel better about people (as in, truly being more trusting, and also pre-emptively leaning into trust) ... there is some deeper aspect here which is not being looked at directly enough, and from my perspective, does not resolve this all at the root, however it might get resolved circumstantially. Without directly looking at the thing, there is little overt understanding.

This was very much the case while having a lot of friends and very much "having a life". No wonder I wanted to leave it all because it became so intensely oppressive and boxed in. There were many things that I didn't want people to see about myself then. At this time, I had a situation that was very stable in certain ways, but also very much without a lot of feeling and intimacy. I just had had enough of the person I was as a teenager and the connections these brought; I was done with it; I thought it was a lost cause.

The nature of "closeness" as it stands now to some degree: there is still space for me to get turned against, if I am also turning against myself for some reason, usually some residual personal trauma. No. I don't have space for this. What is the intrinsic value of some relationship where someone seems to keep finding ways to turn against you, both subtly and extensively, as quickly as you might turn against yourself? I suppose that I am not infallible enough even now?

And it greatly effects me wanting to getting really, extremely close to new people; I mean this both in spirit and talking in IRL, in the case that there may be something of me that preemptively feels and has felt close to me even without me talking to you directly. I don't want to mess up yet another thing (even if only from MY perspective). Honestly, maybe it's better than I never show up or talk at all (or have shown up).

So say I can resolve this issue? (Being "turned against"?) Well, I still have somewhat of a sour attitude. And yet once again, it is wholly my thing to deal with, I suppose?

I am a bit wary of pre-emptive displays of empathy because of how quickly what makes me feel comfortable and at ease, has gotten turned against me. But I suppose that I am and have been more sensitive and less secure in this way, otherwise what difference would it make to me one way or another here?


Anyway, shouldn't I be thankful when a person says one thing (say: in the past or to you personally), but their actions and words other wise (say: in public, or to others) show where their intentions and sense of personal truth ultimately lie? I ought to thank you to the high heavens for showing me your real hand. And indeed, in the past, as much as this sometimes hurt; I know it's for the best usually.

So thank you, those who have hurt me, for however I found and got myself entangled, for showing me your truth and what you truly value, who and what, and under what conditions. It offers me all the certainty that I need, really.

Thank you for showing me what your love is really worth, in every sense possible. 

(Or alternatively, you reveal to me your true weaknesses and blindness, and what it is binds you.)

I would specifically be grateful when someone would show me their hand sooner rather than later, as that potentially saves us both a lot of grief, time, and energy.  But it is what it is. Going against this tendency: it really hasn't done me much good at all, has it? And this explains a great deal about why I am the way that I am, and that my instincts lean towards "dismissiveness" and cutting people off. Tell me, where is the virtue in beating an already dead horse and ignoring your instincts?  I don't think anything has ever went well for me BECAUSE I went along with other people's pleas and insistences, and yet I still tend to keep doing this still, don't I? Even in small ways, where it's unnecessary, isn't and hasn't this been a complete and utter waste of my time and energy?

It's honestly the same thing with pardoning or looking away from other people's weaknesses out of the goodness of your heart or some bullshit. Absolutely NOTHING good has come from this either. Look at it. Getting judgmental is probably not "helpful" or practical either, but as I've stated before: sometimes it really can't be helped from where you are. If you find yourself pre-emptively judging, feeling that itch or desire; it's basically as good as done. You might as well go along with it that point if the only other feasible alternative is to play some kind of bullshit game with yourself and possibly others.

For myself, it is truly amazing making some excuses and errors in judgment and observing the way that they have snowballed in retrospected, and basically, to go against my own deepest instinct and intuition when it comes to people and circumstances. From my perspective, I have never had much room to make many errors without there being a disproportionate amount of personal risk (to my own life, even; so I have deeply and instinctually gotten that sense), so I have tended to tread carefully particularly when it comes to the "cleanness" of my own motives. And then there is the stark opposite side: to live with the aversion to risk and to feeling is really no way to live at all, and yet... there is the very real issue of sustaining my own basic wellbeing, especially when I cannot legibly rely on other people at all, and I cannot afford the luxury of pre-emptively trusting people as if coming from some position of emotional debt. As I've said before: my own backstory and circumstances do not allow for much leeway to fuck around. Whatever it is that I have done and have both been dragged along with and co-opted into, to whatever degree; it's been enough, thanks.

I don't intend to go against this intuition at all now in the future, less and less going forward.

And this sounds cynical; I have learned to take all claims of investment and love with a serious, serious grain of salt. NO. You are what you do, and nothing more or less. But obviously, your personal felt-in truth is your truth too. But how does it match up with absolute, total reality? (Which by the way, is not strictly limited to how things appear at say... a collective level, as these appearances do often tend to be on the superficial side.) And how else would you ever measure the legibility of your perspective or any other perspective?

Edited by modmyth
If I can't account for these factors one way or another, whether I blow it up in detail or not, how do you create and resolve the best from it all, anyway?

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"NON NEEDY": It's when I don't truly want anything from anyone or it doesn't make a difference to me ultimately one way or another, like I am most embodying IDGAF...

(But not like, in some obvious, bitter way. It's something closer to complete neutrality, or a complete take it or leave it. Somehow.. this tends to translate into "take it".)

This is when I seem to be a dick magnet the most (I mean, men in general, I don't specifically mean designated assholes).


Simply stepping outside the house yesterday?

Effin' dick magnet.

I find it a bit ridiculous. (Like why? What is the point of this? I'm not buying and I'm not selling anything.)

This is like my early 20s but much more concentrated, as I guess I feel like I have even less to lose ultimately, and more self-awareness to boot.


As an Added Note: In my prayers (it is essentially still a practice of Will at this point, but very open-ended), I ask to become whatever it is that I need to become, whatever it is that leads to "resolution", because "choosing" is absolutely not the right approach here; it does nothing worthwhile anyway. This is, apparently, what I am becoming once again, but in a much more self-aware way.


Edited by modmyth
1) I don't give a shit about presenting myself as Value Proposition (TM). 2) Lots of dudes are more like cats than they care to admit?

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So it goes back to this original question: What then, is the motive for having personal connections as opposed to not? Say I could either embrace it or not, why though, if I could actually take it or leave it?

Pre-emptive distrust and paranoia tends to create situations where there is more of the same. I don't want to bring this into new connections, or I would like to limit this whenever and however possible. You cannot evade the spirit of something dictating the outcome as much as you might like to . The truth of it always ends up coming out.

I am getting I have gotten tired of this sort of tiptoeing around, having these cycles of pulling away and being wholly invested in people. To be honest, in my life time, I would say that it's been very limited compared to what I believe is and was possible. To what end or greater purpose does it serve, if anything? And also: keeping in mind that it's not particularly practical to fixate on this idea of "purpose". I already know where this goes.

It's not about the energy and time spent talking with people; it's not about momentary, friendly, and even honest or "deep" conversations and connections had with people. It's about investing in the IDEA of someone or something, and everything it has represented. It's about expectations and its about security. I find it very problematic.

I don't really enjoy people coming and going, but perhaps there is something to be said about never bothering to fixate or to lean much on anyone too much to start with.. (what is too much in most cases?). There would be a certain kind of truth in not bothering to grip onto people too tightly (and generally; I very rarely do), but there is also the why.

Anyway, it does tend to get tiring if you spend too much time thinking about things like this. It is a negative attitude and fixation, even a seed of it, which tends to compound it. But what about when you find that there is some reason to sift through it all, and putting it down hasn't done much of enough?

I have one person who I trust with my life. I have seen in a roundabout way what this has come to mean for me. In this way, I have learned to value this with depth as I haven't been able to before. (Duly noted: someone who is "loyal" but fundamentally lacks enough "basic human respect" (sorely lacking in many cases) or who is really questionable with boundaries, that is.. dangerous.)

And for anyone else who has come close enough in meaning anything to be put in that position of expectation: you would leave me for dead, because you have. That is what it is all worth in the end. And you'd feel good enough in the process. Reality and people's actions, past and continued, show the truth (or at least, the flip side of idealism; it's one other major side). There is nothing really to see or any other alternative conclusion to come to after this point, other than truly letting go in all ways and having that person become a true, relative stranger, where you're not actually faking it deeply. This is what I aim for totally. There is no coming back from this in a relationship with someone, and there is nothing to forgive anyway. There is nothing redeemable about it either. Its done. A person's sentiment here is either excessively conditional, fake or lacking in depth, and generally serves no tangible or practical purpose universally speaking on top of that; it reveals itself to be useless in every way. The saga has written itself. That's all the conclusiveness and I'm or probably anyone else is going to get; it's like rock bottom expectations when it comes to people and specific circumstances in general (in an "unattached sense"). I don't like leaving finished stories dangling open and around everywhere, making a mess.

Understandably, why would I want to let someone else close to this? (Alternatively: Why would I actively want to make this an issue and live this way and this perspective, if possible at all?)

I think some people think it's impossible.  They intend to wear their battle scars forever, or else they see no alternative. It all stretches out endless in the Now until they leave this body. Not me; I absolutely never intended to. I will do as much as "humanly" possible, and in this way, I follow the same prerogative I always have.

Anyway, I honestly, truly, deeply, thank you for showing me the truth, where the truth has been shown.


There is something in me which tends to accept this naturally and easily (like this is any different than how I see my own family, ultimately, but I think it runs even deeper than this in my core personality) and does not take it too personally. Perhaps it's inconceivable that one could even take this in good spirit and not have even a little bit of a chip on one's shoulders. I think it is well possible, but I do think that the best possible attitude you could have with this meaning/ perspective.... well, it does limit you in some form.


Is it possible to make the best possible thing of this all, truly, to have come from what it is that I have come from, with even residual memory and meaning?

Where does this "perfect trust" and connection and unity come from? Well, it has already existed in fragments, in an absolute sense, it always existed, still exists, and is coming into being in a more defined and inclusive way ("AS IT IS"). There is all the rubbish and things here and there though. Don't mistake my attitude for "giving up" anyway. I don't half-ass things. I'm also not ok with sloppiness concern issues related to morality/ ethics/ perspective for the sake of getting, of course have felt that urge a lot and still feel that urge still, but I have become even more patient and accepting with time. It's what it is.

They call this "spiritual bypassing" or w/e when you try to skip things which shouldn't be skipped. You might ask yourself then legibly where this "should" comes from, and what what is or isn't necessary as well in an ABSOLUTE SENSE. Some people call this the will of the soul (as in the personal soul), God, the higher self, etc. Call it whatever you want. I can tell you that nothing good comes from not knowing the difference between when you're not in the position to negotiate, and when you are simply spinning your own wheels with the same basic problem in the same repetitive ways over and over again.


Yes though, I find this all quite annoying right now. It's some definite "lap sap"; I've got lots of material to work with. Instead of feeling fundamentally threatened in a direct survival sort of way... I just feel... ANNOYED. And mildly (and fundamentally) disappointed with people, but not too disappointed. I can thank my family for preparing me for this business of fundamentally low expectations (when it comes to people, say, not lying about matters that relate directly to your essential well being), and I actually do mean this in an honest, non-ironic way, with minimal bitterness and snark here. You showed me how things still work here in this place... so thanks. What else would I have to work with and return to in understanding and reference otherwise? (I do not, for example, take "security in truth" for granted in pretty much any way.)

Edited by modmyth
general sentiment sometimes still: dude, this "job" still sucks.

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Back to this Question: Where does this "perfect trust" and connection and unity come from?

From the SPIRIT of it. It is the intention as it stands, not in fundamental connection to anything else, as it there is some CAUSE or condition that needs to be met for it to exist. Not in an eyes wide shut sort of way, or naive idealism. It literally is... just because. In spite of everything and anything, or anyone, or anything that has ever happened to you or anyone else.

Without this, there is nothing ultimately. There is always some reason for things to not return to a state of resolution. As I've said before: everyone has their reasons.

You invoke the spirit of it, and remain committed to it and the spirit of truth in all ways. You invoke it over and over, even in the face of it falling astonishingly and catastrophically short. This tends to be unavoidable. Who cares.

You may also cultivate a relationship to reality (or "Reality" with a capital R) where you find yourself disconnected and disjunctive.

We tend to trip over all the details in the process, and all assumed causality and relationships between things. In our interactions with people. It's always some version of this: because it always was as I've known it, and so some version of that I know of will always be.

I reject this premise fundamentally, but I do not reject reality. I do not consider this to be one and the same thing.

You fall short in both spirit/ intention and also in action/ dedication... you've failed in some way. Failing happens. Give things the space and time to resolve themselves, you've change and resolve more. Things will inevitably get sorted out. Including all of these supposedly insurmountable problems we all face.

Edited by modmyth
These last handful of posts being a sort of short tour of walking out the labyrinth. Or, one specific path out.

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Another Note: I became aware of who I was in the eyes of other people because I felt that it was essential and unavoidable somehow; intuition lead me there.

I see myself through other people's eyes, and understand something of myself in them, and how they came to be in relation...... and then, I reject this as my defining truth in most ways; I must do so in order to be functional and to have anything like sovereignty over my actions and sense of self. It's specifically that I reject the limitations of your perspective and your empathy as a defining factor, and not the existence perspective itself. Dude.... I've already seen it.

I became aware that there were many selves that I had which had hardly been expressed in this life, that had barely made it to the surface, because they did not have the space to be, and in many cases I did not wish to show it.

I spent so much of my life not wishing to be seen and not wanting to be in the centre of attention especially by simple virtue of existing and taking up space, especially growing up. I always looked for a good reason. The lack of apparent clear reason and direction has been haunting at times, and I had seen no other alternative to leave it in a box, to give the whole thing more time.

I... for whatever reason... I wanted to see who understood what about me, where it came from, who they were and how they became that person. I also wanted to see how they treated their lives and purpose in general (and also in relation to me), how they treated me (or the idea or ideal of me) over time. I did want to know... what would you do in my absence? What would you make of this all? And I also got this sense: without this sense of the lay of the land; I cannot not know what to do or how to react anyway, can I? Again: it is not just about what I do as if I live in a vacuum.

I was aware that you could not know certain things about me without truly KNOWING ME (or at least having seen some true aspect of me in some way), because I did not show it superficially in this life. To look at me, you would probably not notice it all. I felt like for whatever reason people would not recognize me as I was. Especially when I did not intend to be seen or found. I have had this perception or belief that I can be a good liar in this way if I truly, deeply want to, and also a really terrible one where I get sloppy because ultimately, I just don't care at all. I did not want not be known or seen. I withheld my spirit and my feeling in many ways, and for a time period; I disconnected from it intentionally. I recognize the degree to which I wanted to become lost to even myself.

For some reason, I felt this issue to be of essential importance.

Here: I have seen enough. I shut the book on it; I fully intend for the consequences of having looked at this all to be concluded fully in some way or another.

I came, I saw, I judged.  Because this is what I do, period. (And clearly I do not have the same attitude towards judgment, what it's worth, and what role it serves both relatively and more absolutely...)

It's been a very, very difficult thing at times, to look at all of this, and then to just put it all down like it meant absolutely nothing, that I should have no attachment to it and no longer affix any specific meaning to it, to hold onto it. It's what we tend to do when things get personal. But in the end, I put it down, and it was like (as in, it's best to treat it like) this all meant nothing to me personally, as in it doesn't influence my actions and desires either way. I say that there's no other alternate, but ultimately this just might be my bottom line which I do not know that much about how to work around otherwise. Shit is already complicated enough as it is. I don't need extra headaches thinking about too many extra things here. I'm just... I'm done. I'm done with it.

Personally speaking: I'm annoyed that this whole thing took up years of my life, focus, thinking, and was so squarely prioritized. There is that energy/ time vs. returned investment (or the apparently lack of it) issue, like I'm still not really sure feeling wise if the cost was worth the result at all, even if I might bother trying to justify it in order to convince myself that it was. But as it stands? I don't know. So then it all inevitably goes to the next question:


I still ask myself: what to make of this all? What do I possibly make of it?

But one way or another, I must facilitate the reconciliation of all these aspects, yes?

Edited by modmyth
But I will say that anyone's perception of my truth and who I am and what I want; it has not jurisdiction over me anymore.

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TDLR; I guess it remains to see if anyone actually does need me, especially in any way that was said or that I believed in previously. But the more time passes, the less I care at all anyway, in the pure sense of don't take any of this too personally. In that way, none of this all has anything to do with me personally, people's ideas or expectations about me, their hopes and desires in this way. This brings me back to full circle to where I was originally.

I would not rely on anyone's sense of accountability or sense of morality/ ethical behaviour in relation or reaction to anything that's already been, for instance. Or capacity. My perspective here has already been firmly cemented.

I would say that ship has sailed, but I think it's more like it never actually arrived in the first place. As in, there was no ship, and no extra love. Everything that was, that was it. Everything that could be received has been. Don't give people roles they can't fulfill, for example, especially if your well being depends on it, especially when it's obvious enough pre-emptively that they lack the pre-requisitve aptitude for understanding, empathy, or ability to take action, especially comes to something so essential where you just aren't seen, and probably can't be seen in certain ways. Maybe ever. For example: my own past trauma and relative frailty and vulnerability as I was, like just how much damage it is possible to do to me, how personally I will take things, and how much I would have done for someone who I believed was "for real".

There is no ultimate virtue in this. It does no good for anyone to be this impractical in a sentimental sense. Better to be "dismissive" and cut things off, as is my natural tendency, and let people judge you how they may.

Also, desperation is always a terrible motivator for action, for feeling, for love, or anything, really. (I used to think that it added a fun flavour in certain cases... maybe I haven't left this sentiment entirely still, but it is what it is now.)


As for talking about the same damn thing way too much? Well, if I put things down, they're often right where I left them. To give something space and time, or to keep hammering it out, to what means and ends? It's at my discernment.

It's also my time and energy to potentially waste. :P

Edited by modmyth

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I accept that there very well may be no good reason to change from where I am especially, and that's why I "pray" (or "Will" in a specific way for change). And I do change, and I change quickly. And that's... alright. But this time, I do not fixate on choosing specifically what I will become nor am I wanting or bothering to anticipate what will come. (****Note: this is half true; it's mainly that I have had a lot of issues with consciously choosing up until this point, at least.) Dude... I've had enough of reaching both into the past and prospective futures. There is too much too account for manually; I do it in just a very general. I'm done with it.

Then, just the general focus on shifting my attitude and resolving judgment/ blame here and there.

And I wait.

Edited by modmyth
I appear to be pulling together all of my aspects though. ****Note to self: might want to take a look at that some time. Things aren't what they were.

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I am not responsible for what happens directly in the jurisdiction of your own head. Especially if I "turn" against you. Note that this can happen for multiple reasons, sometimes, it is simply from wanting to get away and get space from all of this. From my perspective, for the sake basic self preservation and happiness, the result was not worth the price tag for me personally (as it was exorbitantly high, probably much more than I believe anyone will really understand), but I am still figuring out what it is all worth if anything at all except in some universal, abstract sense and purpose it might serve in a way without making an unnecessarily big, weighty, deal of it all... or more than it has to be.

Your uncertainty and your vulnerabilities will mix with things that are said and distort and multiply manyfold. How do you know what is "just you" and what is "just me", and/or anything and everything in between? What if it's neither? It's your own projections, fears, the likelihood that you are turning directly against yourself already in unaware ways getting pulled out from you and twisted around. Sometimes you have to face yourself/ Yourself (or aspects of such), and there is no stopgap ("me") for me to essentially deal with in some way for you by either talking to you or being present. That is one major aspect/ angle of it all.

I know what this is because when I lost my head 2 summers ago, I saw this all happen before it did, and maybe I know just as well as anyone what this is like. And to be honest, now out of all times is when I am absolutely the least interested in talking about any of this. This has already taken up too much of my time and my life talking about it over and over and over again. Most of it has been in sorting out my relationship with myself, I can't say that it has any real, meaningful tangible result on the world around me. Perhaps someone understands me a bit better, perhaps not. I'm really not counting on it with the super duper ranty stuff.

For the record, I am still very much a "normal" person living the pretense of a normal life. I am not an object, and I am not a psychic/ emotional supply, I am not an aspect/ part of you with no direct/ "seperate" "free will" regardless of whatever shows up in your direct experience (which has a great deal to do with "alignment" anyway), and I will not be treated like one. I do not get "paid" for this. Technically I'm in (or was) in an open relationship, but I'm really just not that interested in other people in a sexual and romantic way right now. It's not doing much for me right now for a number of reasons. It's tiring. I'm not into excessive people management, for example, and the only person I technically owe accountability to is my partner. Deal with it. I have not committed a sin here. Maybe I will never care that much anymore. I don't know, but I'm not thinking about it too much and it doesn't matter too much to me right now. I am only interested in what is here more tangibly and physically right now.

And if there is anything that brings me security now, it's making sure that no one has actual, direct access to me under conditions that I don't desire, that I am not giving up and sharing what is not desired, truly. It is for the worst. I hope that anyone who is involved is capable of understanding why without needing this to be explained excessively: if I fall, maybe you will too in some way or another. It HAS actually happened before with people. Also, if I can't take care of myself, if I'm not strong and healthy in certain ways, this has serious enough consequences.

For example: I'm not interested in being lied to (about your identity, for instance). Nor am I interested in the kind of paranoia that usually accompanies this, at all. I will simply find a way to make it all impossible in my presence one way or another, or I will keep all of this stuff away from me. There is the temptation to make it all go away, period, as I did when I was 17 going on 18, and about to enter uni and "the real world". I was not sad at all to leave it all behind then, even if it was cutting myself off from myself, in a way, because it cuts me off from everyone to a degree.

Be assured if you do something that has effected me and I don't approve of your choice, I will cut you off (e.g. blah blah blah, someone that I wrote about in the past who just... doesn't matter now). And then you'll just have to deal with it. It's not my problem and I can't make it mine. I already did, and it was a massive fail, not that I owe anyone anything more at my own direct expense.

Anyway, I wasn't planning on talking about it; it's not that interesting or relevant to me right now. Sorry. This is a JOB for me, for whatever there actually is here to do that can be done. Sometimes I wonder if there's nearly nothing that requires much doing "anymore". But it is however it is.

Edited by modmyth
What do I get from this at the moment? Very little, from my perspective. Please... don't make me angry. Nothing good comes from this.

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If you fundamentally don't like me because my personality, morals, and ways of living deeply offend you, change the channel (don't watch me, and certainly don't waste time talking to or about me), or find some actual constructive way to deal with it all. (Surely this is not considered constructive?) It's not rocket science, people.

Edited by modmyth
My partner has been spectating on this ... this whole time the last year or two.

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"NEEDINESS": Reposting this from a thread in the relationship forum because this touched on a topic that I wanted to journal more about anyway. I had a few more thoughts:


I think a great deal of this issue has to do with feeling needy in a way that is somehow...
1) making too much of an issue of it somehow, and not fully enough coming to terms with need (or the lack of it). Like a lot of it is the conflict you have within about yourself about "need" and your relationship to the idea of getting hurt, and whether it is truly worth it or not. Whether you are "safe enough" to be vulnerable despite the risk. Whether you can and should avoid it, or not, etc.

There is something very powerful as well about "needing" or wanting someone or something, and laying all of your cards on the table, and having a certain amount of peace, confidence, and non-apologetic quality about it... without somehow being too weird, cloying, or obsessive about it.
At least not at the wrong time, and not in inappropriate ways. But the former tends to make the latter not so.

There is the question also of figuring out the right amount of detachment and space another person needs.

I think this factors hugely into the amount of time I've spent with my own partner over the years, and that I ended up with him.

He was always very clear and upfront about what he wanted: me. But it was never... weird or offputting.
It's usually pretty clear when someone is trying very hard to stuff you into their woman-shaped hole in their heart, and so they get lots of ideas about you. In a way, the more it is this way, the less it has much to do with anything about reality or you in particular, particularly in the ways that you don't match up to those convert expectations, desires, ideas, and ideals. If someone sees you clearly enough, but they still want and accept you and you feel understood/ empathized with enough (but not.. "judged"), doesn't this mean that there is something here that is real?

In this particular way especially, I think he's stronger than me emotionally speaking, because this "vulnerability" never came from a place of naiveness. So, there has been very little emotional defensiveness about this for the most part, IMO. Both of us have been profoundly disappointed by caregivers and people early in our lives, so there's an eyes wide open quality to it.
I'm the one who has vacillated more all over the place in terms of being uncertain about who and what I want, what is real in relationships between people, and what does and can last and is worthwhile. But in an odd way, we balanced each other out here. I need/ needed someone to be sure of me and to stick to that and to adapt to me in a sense.. but not to totally lose themselves even if I really don't make it easy, even if I have tried to make myself easier to deal with quite a lot. (And vice versa is true too.) Sometimes I have thought that it is intrinsically not fair to be on his side of the equation: but also, he chose it. At times, I have reminded him of this.
But there is this notion: the person who is the surest about what they want, what they envision, they tend to get it. So I guess he "won", for whatever that means to him, truly.
It just so happens that I also want/ wanted whatever is "real".

But I don't really like being needed much just for its own sake; that's how you end up with someone who just expects you to take care of them. You need some kind of fair balance of energy/ effort here between two people, however it works out. Not necessarily "equal" (whatever that means), but mutually desirable.


Cloying/ uncomfortable things:

1) The more you pull back because you need space or you're uncertain, the more the other person directly tries to rein you back in as a sort of gut/ knee-jerk reaction. At least historically, I have tended to be good at evading these sorts of dynamics, or at the very least, not getting sucked into it too deeply. (Like: you want what you want, I want what I want, sometimes these two things do not link up easily if at all: either 1) deal with it 2) I'll often try to find a way to accommodate someone that I care about without completely compromising myself by default.)

2) People men who try to subtly control who you talk to and what you value or should value because they want to keep you loyal/ faithful and with your attention on them, essentially, in a very underhanded way, because this fundamentally is tied to their sense of emotional security. I never had much patience for even the whiff of this, for the most part. Maybe a bit at first, and then nope. Not cute. I am not a resource/ supply to be hoarded away, this is not why I am on this Earth, to be owned by you in this way. If I am not with someone who fundamentally understands and respects this, this is a no-go. Traditionally my stance has been: come to terms with my "free will" (or don't). (Aka. "deal with it".) As opposed to what: face your insecurity/ discomfort? However, I don't actually approach it in a confrontational or unempathetic way (I hope, with the latter, the quality of empathy being valuable depends pretty much entirely on whether the other person feels like they receive it, at least in a social sense). But I don't apologize for holding this perspective, nor would I want to change just because of someone's insecurity and unattractive sense of possessiveness. The jealousy, possessiveness, and emotions themselves is never the core issue though. People feel things, emotions happen. But it's really how you justify reacting to it (or not). Likewise, I applied and still apply the same standard to myself: that I should deal with my own desires, expectations, emotions, ideally as directly as possible.

I recall the ways in which I had done this in the past, mostly we worked out this particular issue in my late teens/ early 20s (relating to jealousy, the idea of monogamy, acceptable possessiveness (because you don't want to feel like the other person just doesn't give a shit)), so as a result, we have a certain kind of worked-through emotional security with each other. I recall the ways in which I have at times, taken it utterly for granted because my attention was focused on something (or someone else). The positive aspects of comfort/ security can also be easily taken for granted. And the retrospective can be a bit of bitch, can't it?

Anyway, I have to CHOOSE to be with you from moment to moment (in the same way that I CHOOSE to be monogamous, not that I will justify going behind someone's back); if you try to curtail or limit my choice (and more importantly, you keep justifying and protecting this perspective), what is this thing we have truly worth? You're telling me that it's not worth very much in the sense that it's not very strong, you can't trust me to be honest, you can't trust me not to walk away from you in your time of need, that I will not find a way to prioritize your best interest one way or another as best as I can, even while I am technically choosing to be with you. Like... do you see me, or do you not? Lately I have been thinking about how this factors hugely in how I had continued to choose to be with him, over and over in moment to moment.

Just imagine that I am like a cat or something. Cats aren't very impressed when you try to corner them.

It is your -choice- to decide whether I am worth the effort or not. And he decided that I was. But as a result? I expect you not to blame me for that choice that you made, which obviously is not an excuse to do whatever I want without regard for him either. This is always a two-way street or balancing act.

Also, I would have to be insane still sleeping in order to jump from the controlling situation I had with my parents and into a LTR that was like that, as since my early mid-teens I have wanted to escape the effect their raising has done on me especially in this way. What's the saying for that? Going straight from the frying pan and straight into the fire?

This is how I used to look at it, but so much has happened since then. Still, this has been a sort of foundation.


On Valuing Me Specifically:

He said once closer to when we started dating (in the first 1-3 years?) when I asked him, how do you know that it's me specifically that you want? He said that he just knew. To which I responded: how do you know that you have seen all of what this world has had to offer, with its people? (I mean, we're both pretty young, and people are known to change as they get older, aren't they? How do you know that we won't just outgrow each other? Despite what people claim and try to hold onto, despite whatever people call their relationships and despite whoever or whatever endorses you institutionally, how can you possibly account for this?)

So he was certain here, and I was clearly ambivalent and uncertain. He said that he had seen enough of people and this world to know. People aren't all that different for the most part, you know?  (I also found myself wondering how many people he had seen and known: maybe it was in the hundreds? ...) I felt this was kind of dubious. Part of this was a compatibility issue, I know; as we're both picky enough about people we -really like-, recognizing early enough in life that it doesn't come around that easily. But I... I have tended to have a more open, expansive view of this, the idea of potential people (that I might meet, had to meet, and should meet, but no more with my expectations and projections here; it's been fruitless enough).

Sometimes he would just say something like: so be with me right now if you want to, and take things as they are and deal with issues as they come. So I just kept being with him. Really being in the present with someone is a very good way not to get drowned in a sea of expectations, worries, and future projections.

As I got a bit older, I started having different concerns that I did not bring to the forefront of my consciousness as much. My motto has moreso tended to be: work on yourself first, and then let other things sort themselves out with greater ease as result when possible, while he has moreso tended to take the opposite approach (being very "himself" centered formerly, as he knew how to look out for himself emotionally and had to). In some weird way, this has balanced itself out.

A big one that I did not address and was the start of a number of my problems is this one: other than unresolved trauma issues that I did not feel capable of sharing fully with him or resolving fully (more on this later, maybe), but for which he had already truly helped me with substantially, perceived issues about psychic/ emotional connection,... I had this profound anxiety that people sometimes have when they're perpetually in long term relationships since they're very young, or say they get married very early. And honestly, it doesn't feel like we're in a society that is that well adapted for these kinds of relationships, but it depends on what subcommunities you run in. FOMO is obvious one (like the absence of novel sexual and emotional experiences and relationships with other people), but actually, I think it was something much deeper than that. I was always deeply looking for something like a "true family" but the issue with "taking root" was a very deep one. Quite literally, I do not recall a time where I did not feel rootless, or profoundly unsafe and out of place with my family on some level; arguably I lived with them for way too long and that also took its toll on me emotionally. The other deeper issue, arguably more important than the FOMO, is the anxiety about never having been truly been emotionally independent (as in... alone and fending for yourself) in a world and in a secular, insular society that seems to demand it. I am not what you would call dependent in the classical emotional sense (see: above, and my sense of boundaries and priorities), but I have almost never been alone-alone. I'm just not good at.  I have sometimes wondered if this has been the result of a profound weakness and deficiency, and I have worried especially in my 20s that I'm just not a fundamentally self-realized human being as a result. Not in this particular context/ society that we are living in.

Of the few people that I have told this to, most of them told me that I was lucky to have whatever it is that I have here with him (someone that I could trust as much as I could). And maybe they didn't mean it this, but I tended to interpret it as STFU and stop complaining; I would love to have what you have (because all I can fixate on its the opposite: the feeling of unwanted aloneness). And after that point, I stopped sharing certain details about myself due to a perceived lack of empathy.

There always this question of whether "I was truly meant to be with him", like finding an absolute sense of purpose and clarity here. If you are feeling more cynical and transactional, you can reframe this as: "is this the best that I can possibly do?"

I myself was asking myself: what and who is real here, emotionally?  People can say that you mean this and that to them, that they'll always be there for you and have your best interests at heart. That's nice, it's easy to say anything and even to show that you mean it, especially for a short period of time. But who truly means it in both their ideas and their actions? This has been my natural perspective, and deviating from this and the idea of "giving people a chance" hasn't yielded much here, in my experience, in terms of simple self-preservation, let alone happiness. In my experience (perhaps this is my cynicism), the people who demand that you give them chances (because they are entitled enough to demand it), are very often not the ones that you do not want to be giving chances to... because they are demanding it. Be cautious. There is a respectful balancing they should be maintaining here between not giving up on you (if they are so inclined) and completely bulldozing you over.

(Duly noted: both people have to agree that whatever here is of value, so you're both on the same page, because people sometimes get wrapped up in the most self-absorbed way of it being about what they provide on their terms, what they want to provide (even as they are doing their best to provide for another person, but say that other person is not on board with you?) And then you wonder why that other person is being such an ungrateful cu**? ....This is the essence of self-absorption, really.)

Anyway, time and consistency of action and intent is what ended up changing my perspective on these issues. (That, and maybe screwing my head back on, heh.)


Edited by modmyth
.... That so much has not seemed real/ solid/ truthful with my parents, like a trying to build a house on a foundation of lies, has factored hugely into this all.

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Whenever there's real work to be done, whenever it's the most decisive, direct, and usually the quickest, whatever it's most easily influenced and diverted by being watched...

I never talk and I never show what I'm doing. (Old habits die hard, but before it was closer to an instinct that sometimes I became more hyperaware of in some moments.)

On top of that, I have had a whole host of possible thoughts and questions I could ask (why did this or anything happen and what does it mean?), which go absolutely nowhere other than for the sheer purpose of asking them. The answers don't matter much. And neither did my personal feelings or interpretations. This is the point where I have decided to stop and to not add more by talking, and to leave whatever's left die down and die out.

It's beyond futility, because that suggests an implicit relevance.

Edited by modmyth
Explaining a great deal about why no one appears to know much of anything about me especially at key moments.

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But I will say that I find myself... erasing myself and being erased, and this is the most morally and emotionally neutrally thing. (It wasn't always, in all the things that could be associated to it, past, present, and future.) In this, I find a sort of centre once again.

Edited by modmyth

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So that's it? It's been a solid 2 years and the yoke isn't around my neck anymore (I like how my default response is fear and anxiety, as that has always been one of my default expressions in this body that I had been left to deal with myself one way or another.)

There is plenty of fear to deal with, which has always been what has been underneath all the anger.


And also, yet another thing to deal with: just this whole mess of...

I can't even begin to put it into words.


If you were aware of me before I was aware of you, consciously....

Are you all fucking insane?? Seriously?! What is wrong with you people and how is it your minds and your feelings, and the things you say and do, change so quickly without any apparent or clear understanding at all? (At least from my perspective.) How is it that you can base your life around one thing (which is apparently beyond control, say like: your apparent "love" for me) and that this can suddenly change? If something is real, as in... it is a truth or a compass for truth, do you not stick with it no matter what? (And I suppose I was fundamentally unclear about the nature or orientation of that "truth" was?)

I mean where do I even begin to unpack this one now that pretty much all of what I gave up of myself previously has returned?


(Duly noting with curiosity: the judgment I turned toward myself, as in, I feel completely crazy with certain issues, is now turned back again outward. Doesn't this process usually just go in the opposite way, and in a less self-aware way? How very... thoroughly to watch yet another thing done "backward".)

My first instinct is that if anyone falls into this category now, or if I become aware of your designs and you claim love, to just run the hell the opposite way. Stay away from me... (And I guess this is the result of my overwhelming compulsion to play along and throw myself at the mercy of fate and things that were far beyond my understanding at the time.) And this has left me with a very specific sort of trust issue.

(My life has gone a certain way, and this has left me vulnerable in related ways.)

But making sense of things as they stand right now? I can't even....


Not seeking love and not seeking understanding from anyone involved. It's really typically not my style at all. Done things are done.

Edited by modmyth
And fear itself just left like this isn't very productive, right?// Step by step.. make something of this pile of... whatever this all is, my life, this world. ....................................................

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I spent a whole lifetime under the yoke of slavery of sorts. It feels as it feels; it's not something I deluded myself about (nor did I feel I had the luxury to do so for simple survival's sake), about being and feeling relatively free. It was utterly inescapable. It's already been mapped out to death.

And now that I'm "free", I'm terrified. Still. (What do I do with myself? With all of this?) This is not the life I was previously prepared for by circumstance, but a pretense that I expected to arrive to one way or another, in rougher shape and having gone through much more than I expected. It all is however it is now. There is plenty to deal with.

I wasn't expecting for there to be this much of my former life, for instance, and to be in the relationship I am in now, for instance. But to be truthful, it really does feel like the only thing of truth as I knew it, and everything else appears to be like the trash taking itself out.


So, of whatever was said before...

One-sided affairs cannot properly be called love. That's pretty much purely a displaced relationship with yourself. Two people have to have a shared awareness and understanding in open consciousness or else you're having a weird triangulated relationship with yourself.

Two people having a one-sided affair with each other cannot be called "love" in any shared sense either. That's two people having a shared delusion (some people say this is all it ever is and all that is possible, but I disagree), and using each other to do so.

I wish I could make sense of being feeling dragged into something that another could not (or would not) let go of, and there is no justification for... believing that this was a pretense or ever a proper start for being loved myself, something that would have evolved into something real and hopefully lasting. I would not normally give this thing the time of day. Under "normal" circumstances, it would have gone the latter way.

It truly is about the same thing to me emotionally as it having been nothing at all; as having zero basis in reality. It's just as much a delusion. If it's not shared properly; it's all about your relationship with yourself pretty much exclusively. You, the containered "you". This is a closure.

But two people waiting for an emotional bailout? His was obvious and not hidden. Mine was so subverted and underneath the surface; it was connected to all the unfacable things. And I faced it all alone anyway. In that way, it revealed the proper order and relationship as things as they stood, that I could not face. (...)


So... why wait for me? Why bother? Before this whole thing started (pre-2017 or so), is this all the best you could do to bail yourself out and have moved on? What was the point or premise of waiting for me? Why did you waste my time? Was there supposed to be any real nobility or personal meaning in it? (And I guess practically speaking, it doesn't matter, right? I'm not expecting or hoping for any answers at this point. It's just all... a waste of time.) Because you really should have (practically speaking, speaking from my "normal" perspective now which I have returned to).


What I did and felt, I recognize it as "not love" according to this understanding, as in, not valid. My intentions and desires didn't measure up to reality. And it seems it was not a thing that could ever measure up or be valid in reality, in a shared way. Likewise.

This is the conclusion (or a significant part of it). This is wrapping it up. This is also "closure". I'm relatively at peace with this as a direction.



All of these connections seem tainted and suspect now, but that is simply my reactiveness speaking, like flinching internally from the sharp sensitivity of heat while holding my hand near a flame after having semi-recently burned my hand on the stove. It's simple conditioning. Things conditioned can be reconditioned.


I put into words and thoughts what mostly I have ceased to think about at all. All which is left are these sort of inert feelings and residual reactiveness.


And that's how it always was for me. If I didn't and couldn't bail myself out, and I suppose now still, if I don't. I was/ am fucked.

Thank you for the score.

(No... haven't things changed, but I've 1) still been disentangling things. 2) Watching my own back factors into the first factor.)

Edited by modmyth
I do not know anything about if you know about how to love otherwise, honestly. Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Or if you did. Truly.// This too shall pass.

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CRINGE: There is the inevitable, utterly predictable cringe factor when it comes to having said and projected "too much", all while recognizing that holding back wouldn't have done much in my case. It's the exact opposite of most of my life: highly controlled, conscientious, self-conscious, retentive expression. On the opposite side: a thing tending toward unconsciousness (though in the last couple years, it completely ceased to be how it was when I was 14 or so, and this has been a sort of delayed rebellion.

At the other extreme end of it all, there is vomitory expressiveness. Just go vomit your words onto paper.

I was "too angry"; I showed the worst of myself. The urge to cover myself had never left entirely. But I have tended to become the least aware of it when I sunk the deepest into anger and expressing it.

Anger was always easier to express rather than the fear. Not simply to express having fears, especially in retrospect, but to express having fears in public while feeling vulnerable and still feeling that fear. To not have your brain, the speech making parts and the parts that feels any sense of legible physical, mental, and emotional control, shut down on you and check out. (In trauma terms, I know now that this is called dysregulation.) All of this was to automatically say to myself: I wish to be a target for my vulnerabilities, here is where you should hit. An extension of accountability thinking is to be prepared for what you said about yourself that might easily be used as ammo against you, because you made that information available (whether it is being used relatively accurately or if it's being twisted in interesting ways, maybe it does not matter much in the end in terms of your emotional baseline). And if you don't want it to be used against you, don't put it there. Expect to be turned against.

Unlike my brother, since a young age, I tended to be much more "watch and then react" rather than (with the exception of age 14), and was too hyperconscious to NOT be calculating when it came to subjecting myself to people's possible reactions. It's that self-preservation strategy.

Not everyone has that expectation, and not everyone who doesn't have that expectation gets blindsided due to naivety and whatnot.  Somewhere in you.. there may be an intention unrealized, New Agers sometimes call this a "vibration" to account for all aspects of intention.

This is of course a relatively direct product of the emotional coldness and hostility of my environment, or one source.


I struggle with words every time I dam up my speaking for a while. There are still these little and sometimes larger relics of my upbringing and the ways that I was taught to both speak and write. But every time I start again, it gets a bit easier.


Reading and learning more about Complex PTSD and emotional neglect has been helpful for me lately for my own understanding, and I can't say that I've been feeling sidetracked by it.

Edited by modmyth
Viewing the gallery, taking a few notes, moving along.

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