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Striving for more

Going club solo again - Feel sick in the stomach

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Going club solo again. I considered staying in, but I realized I could die or break a leg on any day & im in a beautiful city, something ive dreamed of for years & cant take for granted 

& i noticed intense nervousness, & fears, (through imagery & as bodily sensations) .. even more a reason to do it 

Goals : 

- Dont pussy out 

- network, make some friends

- Approach some girls 

- Enjoy life for a few hours, get out my head

- dont over drink or smoke to compensate 

- wake up tomorrow not feeling worse off & motivated towards work 

- feel good no matter what result is, if its too awkward or quiet & groupy I can (eventually) leave, at least I experimented..

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Failed all my goals except I didnt pussy out. 

The club is pretty brutal, maybe ok with a wingman & friends with you & if the vibe & atmosphere is good then maybe its ok, but this was brutal.

I smoked a lot, I litteraly spent a 4* hotel in a couple hours, I deacyed myself a couple hours with overpriced drinks, caffeine & cigarettes & stayed longer than I needed, although at least i disnt stay till the end. 

I had a slight chance initially but the of wing man fucked it up, girls are with their friends & it can work if the club is hectic enough, but it wasnt that vibrant so me being alone led to an akward check mate. 

I connected with some people bjt they already in groups, the sub context means its over to begin with even though the courage is admirable.

I didnt pussy out i did approaches but i just got rejected, & the club is so black pill its brutal, a bar is ok but when your dancing & the girls are 6 foot in heals, the guys are 6"3 & more handsome & with a group of friends, & youre just average & alone, its already over. 

Im not giving up on dating but i dunno about "the club", if the context is right you can win, but you need everthing maxed out, including social status/being with friends, the vibe must be good, all the favtors need to work out, it really is a losing battle & I always end up compensating with self depricating habits, I am fairlt extroverted but I dunno about the club, so expensive, the sleep fucked & i leave feeling down, im not a pussy & theres WAY worse problems in life, i wont complain but I might just have to not go out again, its all just too black pill & capitalism pill.

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Now ill spend the morninf tired & slightly sick, my teeth are decaying from the smoking & I dont know whats worth it anymore, Ive been given ok oplurtunities in life like cominf 1st world country, but my mind since a child always feels so dark, I only connect with darkness, i feel like wasnt born to be happy or social, buf born to be a fighter or a criminal, i always resonate with Mike tyson, even though he was a hostile fucker, im not a bully but I love the fighters spirit, especially when people are unfair to me, it sucks because im learninf to let go & let people take the piss a little to avoid losing my shit, fo avoid trouble that isnt woeth it & walk away, but i know I just want to lay the fists, i just want to be in the war shooting up bad fuckers with no remorse, but i know i could easilg become the 1 id be fightinf against, for war has no boundaries & can make bitter the good hearted, turn the brave into senseless, the warriors into tyrants.

What the fuck am i saying now, pain in my chest, another day i wake up & go back to my "vision" but i dont feel motivated, what will the money be for anyway ill end up a egomaniac, no wait I already am one, if only i had reason to back if up, people let you be arrogant when your 230 pounds or 6"5 or talented or high IQ.

Can hear som oger fucks snoring in my room, disgusting gross fucks.

Edited by Striving for more

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Probably gonna listen to some sad rap mhsic tomorrow, not to be sad or do nothinf, ill try work on myself still but i cant be fucked to 

No, jhst turn the mind off, this is what is making me an alcoholic, the overthinking, the fucking OCD. Its like drowninf in a pile of sand in a coffin, the sand is the incessant thoughts, i climb and climb but the grim reaper keeps pooring the sand  & represents time & decay as what couldve been aa my lifr in an alternate multiverse disperses into thin air. 

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I dont think i shouldvd gone out tonight, ego is too fragile, i dont tske rejection lightly, i canf stand losing, i cant stand beinf a bich to some club or gettinf ripped off 

I have to get the money because Its the only tjinf i can hold on to, just 1 hot girl or 2 is all i need, fuck pick up, pick up is black pill, its a scam, just get 1 girl & get rich as fuck & work my ass off & in a couple years coazt of that & say fuck the world, drive fast in fast cars & private jets & piss on the rest of the fucking losers all the dumb nerds doing degrees fo make 100k per year, fuck off & im moving to columbia i nees my girl feminine & traditional, i need live im a dangerohs place try rob me so I can shoot up some bad fucker & get away with, bribe the police & get that power on point like im a magnet for newtons.

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Just to clarify IM NOT GIVING UP

but going club isnt my path 

I need MONEY & STATUS 

I have to MAX that shit out, & im obtaining it from a place of pain

& im maxing out the martial arts too, too many bullies & conceited fucks out there, no i didnt experience that tonight but i need to know for sure i can james bond any fucker even if hes 100 pounds bigger, i will gain my success through pain, gain the money through egocentricism, gain the status as revenge. 

I leverage the pain, my ambition will never drop addict or not, crazy fuck or not, im reaching kanyes status.

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Ima become mike tyson in the ring because my fists arent hardened enough, i nesd fo taks on multipke opponents, str8 back in the gym tomorrow. Jiu jitsu & more martial arts, dont know enough, too many fucksrs lay their hands on me & i used to finish em off but i started to let it go like leo says but then i feel like a spineless bitch, no touch me & you're going A&E, touch me & ill make u see stars then ur vision will fade to black out, i aint no bully but a lot of guys basically are, conceited egos, too many men lay there hands like its funny, & im here to set them straight, touch me & your fucked, back to martial arts tomorrow, back to weights tomorrow.

Edited by Striving for more

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I think im gonna drink again, think im gonna smoke again.

NOT because im weak but because i cant deal with mt head right now.

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