soos_mite_ah

Does anyone regret cutting out family?

25 posts in this topic

@Breakingthewall

I can exaggerate sometimes. The situation isn't as bad as it seems and things actually got better in recent months. I don't see any physical violence, but my dad can be annoying  and his influence isn't that great for my psychological health which is why I avoid him as much as possible.

I'm sorry for what happened to you, it must have been hard to grow up in a difficult situation like this. My dad has also been the source behind my low self-esteem. I hope that you are doing better now and continue improving.

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On 10/4/2021 at 7:33 PM, Gianna said:

Because rehabilitating yourself separate from your family is necessary for you to have an authentic relationship with them. 

You are Grace. So you have to see the necessity of it in order for it to not inflict pain. If you see the necessity of it, grace will uplift any suffering. Try to see how the damage would actually help them to have the perception to heal it. For example, some parents avoid their own growth by focusing on their children. If the children leave, they are forced to grow. It might be painful, but the very process of it is what will give them perception. Any burden that lives in your mind would only be created by yourself. You choose the art that you wish to paint in your life by choosing your perspective. Big-picture perspective is how you paint the most gorgeous art. 

It comes down to 2 choices, leave or stay, both of them painful and you are choosing the one that you feel believe think and know to make the best outcome. Sounds totally legit.

 

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@soos_mite_ah

On 30/09/2021 at 3:52 AM, soos_mite_ah said:

I know that there is a whole mourning process that people often go through when they leave toxic households. Is that what you're referring to? 

I've come across her channel a few times. Doesn't she specialize in how to deal with narcissists and basically it boils down to RUN and GET HELP lol? 

lol to some degree ye. But she also has methods for when you're living w a narc.


"Most of what people call genius just boils down to curiosity." Aaron Schwartz

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I am a narc survivor. If you are dealing with a narc you need to RUN for your LIFE, like you would if your household was catching on fire.

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I've cut off my entire family in Alabama back in June 2020. Except for my grandmother that I would talk with. 

Came from what looked like a good happy family on the outside. Everything looked perfect. Parents were trying to buy my love. It creates a sense of in debt-ness. Yet the emotional attunement and connection completely lacked. So much emotional avoidance. I felt I was losing myself being with them. 

 

Went no contact with my parents. Blocked. Lived on the road for a few months in my RV. Living in the wilderness. Living in the most remote places. Alone. Texas. New Mexico. Colorado.  Lived there in the winter. Lived in the rocky mountains. Moved to Montana. Didn't know any one. Now I'm in Oregon. 

 

I've met strangers on the road that I feel more understood from. Its confusing as hell to have family and a brother but not feel understood or connected. 

 

Finally contacted my father after 4 months in September 2020. Didn't really go anywhere. I was still processing my frustrations. 

Decided to block all forms of contact from there again. Went on til June of this year I opened up communication via email. One full year later... Haven't talked to my mom since June of last year. 

 

I decided that email was the best way to go about communicating to focus on solving problems. Yet he was being avoidant the entire time. 

 

Still I've had no progress with cooperation. I've been trying to sort out transgenrational or Multi-generational issues. Complex trauma related issues. 

 

This stuff is no joke. Recently my dad was willing to do therapy so I'm looking to get this started in the coming week. No telling how this will go. 

Highly recommend a book called adult childent of Emotionally Immature Parents and a book called C-PTSD by Pete Walker. 

Some parents don't like Self-differentiation. Most families only want enmeshment & strict obedience to a certain perceptual reality and set of rules.

 

I'm living in a completely different reality than my parents. Took me nearly 28 years to figure this stuff out.

 

It's a grieving process to say the least. Tons of repressed emotions. I mean, I could share the entire dynamic and complexity of Emotionally unavailable parenting. I could talk about this stuff for days. The implications and impact this stuff has is pretty complex. 

 

Self-differentiation, individuation, and autonomy are important towards building your own sense of self. 

... 

I'm not sure I'd say the word regret exactly for leaving or full no contact for both parents. 

Now I do regret expending excessive amounts of energy with a healing fantasy trying to get my perception of reality validated. Trying to change my father. Literally doing everything to win my father's love. Yet I was avoiding my own self-love. Felt like I've spent my entire life being gas lighted. 

 

Now regret is tied to a sense of feeling at fault or guilty. I do recognize with detachment that the family system wants to instill guilt. Guilt tripping is a big reason people get locked in the cycle of self-sacrificing and self-abandonment. Especially trauma bonding cycles. 

Common guilt trip :

"If you really loved your family you wouldn't do or not do ___." 

 

Now do I regret leaving my family?

No, I do feel a deep sense of loss and grief. It sucks to feel cut off from one's family. Honestly I never wanted it to happen. The unworkability in the relationship was extremely frustrating. 

 

Typically parents feel more hurt from the estrangement than the child. Parental Estrangement is not a well researched topic. Most therapists are not well trained bc there isn't enough understanding. Most cases people never leave family because the stakes were to high back in the day. These days it's easier to do in developed countries with the internet. Less taboo and less shame compared to 100s of years ago when abandoning toxic families meant death. Especially ostrasisim. I mean, typically the person who leaves feels a sense of empowerment or freedom. Yet a deep loss too. 

Do I feel guilt? 

Occasionally, from emotional contagion and "systems feelings" . As you mentioned, obligation is systems feelings. That's their unprocessed emotions that are being projected onto another. That's them. I recognize that it's not rational to take on their emotions. That's emotional blackmail. It's all a way to hoover or drawback in. I'm responsible for my own emotions. Being responsible for others emotions is outside my control. 

 

... 

In your situation, seems like you are expressing guilt b/c they provided for you in a materialistic way and are fearful of feeling regret?

 

That's their responsibility as parents to meet basic requirements. If not then that's child abuse.

If they weren't your family would you still tolerate how they treat you? Say a friend treated you the same way? 

 

Sounds like you preassumed that going no contact = regret. 

As if you hold a belief that you will be regretful bc of social obligations. Which implies that you feel at fault or worthy of blame b/c they provided for you?

 

Now, guilt and shame are the consequences of cutting off family. In bowen family theory it's common that families triangulate and guilt trip to bring about homeostasis in the system. It's natural. They want it to go back to they way it originally was. Most groups do not like change. They teach this in leadership courses. You changing yourself causes them to feel guilt too. Reassigns roles. If they can't own it, they'll project it onto you. That's the whole scapegoat dynamic.

 

It's your decision why you want to go no contact or cut off family. Have to be clear on your intentions. 

 

For me it was tons of reasons... Took me nearly a year to discover all the reasons.

Postive: Self-differentiation and self-respect. Self-discovery. Self-Independence. Freedom. Clarity. Etc. 

Negative : Not tolerating disrespect from family. Infantilization. Authoritarian parenting. Polarized world views. Invalidation. Contempt. Disdain. Coercion. Gaslighting. Rigid roles. Belittling. Indifference. Doubt. Avoidance. Etc. 

I wanted to resolve problems. They didn't. It was a drama cycle. So either I tolerate it or I detach. I decided to leave. 

 

Now that I've seperated I've been able to become more self-assured and self-assertive. Self-determined. 

.. 

 

 

 

Edited by Ethan1

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