Preety_India

I am Leaving this Forum Forever. Final Goodbye to Everyone. My Last Farewell Message.

47 posts in this topic

Leaving the forum forever. 

I'm leaving the forum. I cry with a heavy heart but this is a step I must take with goodwill. 

 This is a heavy decision for me. I have been a part of this forum for a very long time since 3 years.. 

When I first came here, it was 2018 and I began journaling. That's how my journey began. And I did not even look into the forum. I felt extremely anxious about interacting with people. I had deep social anxiety so interacting outside felt almost impossible, plus the social crowd around me  wasn't quite open minded to even understand what social anxiety means. As a result online was a place that felt safer than offline. I experienced less anxiety while interacting with people online 

But this comes at a huge personal cost and at the time I wasn't very aware of this cost. 

I continued my silent journaling for almost 2 years without interacting with anyone here because I never felt bold enough to talk to anyone. 

There was absolutely nobody to share my feelings with, none in my family ever allowed me to speak up, there were no family meetings at all and no friends to ever share anything with. It was impossible to ever have anyone because there was nobody to ever want to listen. The loneliness alone could have killed me. 

Then one day in November 2019, I felt like I could give it a try and posted a question in the Dating Section. I was going through a horrible period in my life and I felt utterly confused and this deep urge to share it with people constantly came up because it was too much restlessness and tension to hold it in. So I shared my personal relationship situation for the first time on the forum and I received an overwhelming response. It was a very bold decision and I couldn't imagine that so many people would want to support me 

As time went by and I interacted more, I felt better just interacting with people, it did reduce my anxiety around people a bit and I felt confident that I could at least talk about something. At first I could hardly string words together and did not know how to greet people both online and offline. I slowly improved a lot on basic social things. I quickly became popular on the forum and a lot of people told me how much they found my advice useful. I was thrilled that I was able to motivate people so much, it felt impossible because I had never known that people would enjoy my presence, it surely felt very motivating and helpful to my social anxiety and building social skills. 

As time went on, this popularity actually became a source of misery. It was as if it was a thorn for others or  a basis for them to pile hate on me. I wish there was a way to block profile visits or anything to do with profile as an option that can be modulated by the user. I had people tell me that they found it disgusting that I had so many followers. It felt unreal that people would want to hate or even compare themselves with me using my follower count or post count because honestly I never thought of it as a hindrance to one's progress or even something that should be compared. I never even paid attention to things of that nature. It never occurred to me to even read someone's post count or compare mine with them. I had no idea this was such a big deal for so many people and they almost even use it as a measure of intelligence. I tend to write a lot on my journals because I like to write, writing was always my main form of expression of my Introverted self, and I don't like to clobber things together, I cannot manage long walls of text, so I write very separated which contributes to a high post count but never knew this forum used that feature to measure intelligence. 

Anyway, I accept and admit that I'm slow and not as intelligent as many people on this forum. Majority of them are more intelligent and faster and smarter than me, as they constantly don't ever fail to remind me of that. I have always been a bit slow brained and maybe that seems to be a hindrance to others. I thought this forum was very collaborative but it's too competitive for my nature. I just can't compete and I'm sorry I failed to impress you all, that my presence is so disgusting. 

I had contemplated many times about leaving the forum but I told myself  that I had to be strong in a harsh environment and not give up. I have happy memories of happy fruitful interactions with some friendly folks over here and I'm forever indebted to those people. 

Lately the forum was very toxic, some really great mods like Forestluv don't exist. It became increasingly difficult to deal with the constant negativity. There was no point in trying to be friendly in an environment where most people don't appreciate your presence or do so in less genuine and passive aggressive ways. It felt like I don't fit here. Most people took my sensitivity for granted or called me reactive or sensitive if I tried to counteract their aggression. Instead of trying to creating harmony and reflecting on their own aggression, they preferred to call me "triggered" and double down their hostility. I don't think it's favorable towards creating mutual understanding and harmony if your only goal is to offend and pretend like you didn't. Offense does not always necessarily involve direct name calling, it can even happen in subtle critical shaming and downing ways. I have always consciously tried to never pick on someone's personal life and if I ever did, I have made efforts to apologize. 

Being on this forum has been an emotional experience (a roller coaster of sorts) and leaving it is an equally emotional experience. 

One aspect of this forum that is harmful to vulnerable people like me is that it has direct access to journals, the journals are publicly read but most people do not have the decency to not bring up someone's personal journal entries on to the forum. This is a bad idea because I have  always had  second thoughts about sharing my personal experiences in my journals as a form of release. Private journaling does not have the same impact as public journaling since public journaling gives the feeling that you are really opening up. This however comes with downsides where people can pick up details of your personal life and use it against you on the rest of the forum which sucks and shouldn't have to be that way. Making the journal less personal almost defeats the entire purpose of journaling. Another annoying thing I noticed with myself and other journalers is that despite calling a journal closed, people still commented and there was no option available to the user to decide whether commenting is allowed or who was allowed to comment which causes even trolls to comment on journals. I don't really mind it but it's just a hassle to see random stuff pop up in your journal without permission. I think journaling should have to be a pleasant peaceful experience devoid of such interruptions. To be on the forum where your social aspect exists and it being intertwined with your personal aspect in journals is a very dangerous recipe for mental health because it is tremendous level of vulnerability that is being exposed for people to pick on. This i never took much into account while interacting on the forum and I was pretty much oblivious to this until now. 

Anyway moving on, this is my last farewell goodbye namaste to all the people on the forum and my public announcement of my departure from this forum forever. The main reason being the intense negativity and a generally Hostile environment that is not good for my health. It does not feel pleasant to be constantly jumped on and picked on. Not my cup of tea. I don't like too much fighting and arguing, especially personal attacks really get on my nerves and the forum does not have proper policies in place to deal with this aspect. I'm frankly tired of all the personal attacks. I am done being everyone's punching bag. It's one thing to say "personal attacks are not allowed in forum guidelines" and another thing to actually implement it. It's futile if it only exists as a sentence in forum guidelines. 

Today I had a discussion with my partner where he told me that he is being impacted by the personal attacks as well because the hate that was constantly projected at me by very loving people is slowly being directed at him. He does not even exist on the forum most of the time. He has to suffer needlessly at my expense. Which is getting difficult for me to watch. Hate me all you want, but why bother someone who recently joined here and hardly knows anyone just because he is associated with me. He doesn't deserve it. 

Today he told me that he is not feeling good about being on this forum, that he is sensing some hostility because of all the unpleasantness and trolling. 

I mean someone called him a motherfucker openly on the forum, you can give warning points all you want but the hate continues to stay. People underestimate the power of negative words. He told me this later —

"That’s basically what’s happening. My pulse went up quite a bit earlier as well. It gives me flashbacks to the unpredictable moodswings of my granddad and my dad to some degree. Im very attune to changes in my environment and hateful comments let all my alarm bells ring. It’s very funny that some people think I could just ignore that. Gosh I actually feel a rush of anxiety thinking about the forum at the moment, I have the feeling all of this effected me more then I’d like to admit. I still feel mostly stable, but wow the forum messes with my psyche a bit i feel. Thank you. I guess it was a bit of a viscous cycle. If something impacts me it impacts you and vice versa. I don’t mind defending myself and you, but it effects me in some way. I don’t feel well reading mean comments. It’s triggering to me. Not exactly sure what exactly, but it made me feel anxious and uneasy. "

Hearing his response actually sent my heart rate way up. Because I don't want him to take the consequences of the hate thrown at me. He doesn't deserve it. 

His words suddenly made me realize how badly this forum must have fucked with my head for a whole year of me being here constantly fighting the negativity. I remember someone telling me that I was pretty brave to survive the environment here but they also told me that being here somehow brings out the worst in them as the forum is unbearably hostile and always brings out your defensive side for no good reason. They felt like everyone was always on edge here. They only come here occasionally.  And I couldn't agree more and in fact I would say that I'm generally in a happy mood but the forum could very well be responsible for constantly putting me into a defensive mode without me realizing it. Someone who watched me from outside actually told me that. 

 

I apologize to this community that I couldn't have enough thick skin to deal with all the negative crap thrown at me day in day out. I'm sorry I'm so sensitive.

I'm done taking all your thinly veiled attacks disguised as criticism. It does no good in creating harmony and understanding. Congrats for finally pulling me down(to the haters and trolls) 

I constantly felt as though the thought going through the troll's mind was probably like - what will take to get this woman off this forum, like how much more harassing until she leaves? 

If someone asked me to rate/review this forum, then I would review it as "pretty harsh" by my personal standards. Quite harsh in my opinion considering I have experience elsewhere on the internet and that was a cheap forum but this forum did only slightly better in terms of verbal quality. The same insults and the same negativity as usual. I actually expected much better. Needless to say, good people eventually leave getting tired of constantly being attacked by keyboard edgelords whose sole purpose is to type some negative shit and hit enter. One can only take so much. 

To the best of my experience, I'll describe this forum as extremely rude and harsh. Maybe it's just me but that's how I'll describe it. 

 

My partner being called the M word is the straw that finally broke the camel's back. I can't take it anymore.

Because I can see myself suffering but I can't see someone else(my partner) suffering because of me. So I'm finally done with this forum.  

I also find the gaslighting here very repulsive. Like one time when I was called "brown mouth" which is very racist but I was constantly told that it is not and gaslighted into thinking that I'm feeling bad for nothing. 

And how much can anyone complain about it to mods. Even mods get tired of it. Understandable. 

Today another user said that they are simply being playful after using the M word. I don't think this is funny, it's pure gaslighting. When someone feels attacked and offended, not cool to say it is playful because it is NOT. this is basic decency. 

A forum that does not guarantee basic decency is not too advanced in my opinion. 

I have to cut my cord with the forum finally as it is more harmful than useful, at least to me. This is heavy decision and a bold one because I had been here for almost 3 years. 

 

I don't wish to befriend anybody here  anymore. And I'm  blocking the following option. 

I will no longer interact on this forum and I have taken this decision after realizing that it is psychologically harmful to my partner and I can't take his concerns for granted.

I'm removing all of my 100 followers and blocking the follow option. No need of that either where people can't respect each other in the most basic ways 

 

I'm completely blocking the social aspect of this forum as it is very harmful to me psychologically and emotionally. As well as to him. 

I'm probably better suited in a slightly friendlier place. 

I will stop all interactions with anyone and just restrict myself to my journals. I am blocking my personal messenger so I don't need to deal with that either. This will obviously impact my overall social growth and the opportunities of learning that I had here. But I had no clue that learning here would come at such a great personal cost. The last option is to stick to my journals and my most humble sincere request is to not attack me there as my personal life is none of your business. I will mostly not respond to any journal comments and most likely only to positive comments if at all. 

Journaling is good for my health as my doctor had suggested so I'll do that. I wish there were options to decide who could or could not comment. But sadly that doesn't exist right now. 

I'm permanently leaving the forum for good. And deleting the social aspect. 

 

This is my final FAREWELL message to the forum and if I have hurt anyone unintentionally/unconsciously I deeply apologize for it. 

GoodBye everyone. NAMASTE. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

I'm a leftist liberal SJW. INFJ-T loner... .shy girl..@marcel :x.............My name is Hannu. I'm reserved and shy and introverted and sensitive girl. Please be careful about how you talk to me. Only responds to respectful vibes. ✿۞✿•.¸¸.•*`*•✿✿۞✿✿•.¸¸.•*`*•.•✿☼۞۞☼✿•.•*`*•.¸¸.•✿✿۞✿✿

Quick access to journal entries

 

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Many here simply don't have enough compassion it looks like. My experience has been pretty tame and it's wild to see that the same forum can be such a different experience for another user. 

It's easy to give into triggers and that's probs what happened with people who read your posts. Leo talks about dealing with shit irl and so that's what most people connect all the love talk with, but when it comes to the forum or online environment in general, I think people forget that the same compassion would apply if you're actually evolved to that level. 

I also felt those triggers when I read your posts and the way you wrote them(though I didn't reply because frankly there's no point), and I think that's because you're way of posting etc. is against the collective ego of this forum. Why? Because collective egos are just dumbed down versions of the actuality. So the collective ego here is just

"being conscious is better than being a normie and unconscious. And therefore I am better than you if you post or think in a way that is obviously ignorant OR  you show signs of classic anxiety, depression etc. I hate those things because those are signs which should be transcended in spirituality, and that I am spiritual! And therefore I should revolt anyone who isn't so!" 

Though half the people here might not think in exactly that way, that's the trigger you would give into if you tap into the collective ego of this forum(which would happen when one reads a post of the 'enemy'). This dumbing down is a mockery of what spirituality actually is but is practically unavoidable when it comes to forming and managing a large group of people into spirituality. 

 

I think you're taking the right decision to leave this forum because I don't think the collective ego here would accept a person with anxiety and all. 

Infact I wouldn't even recommend that you continue your journal here because it'll just be another source of misery for you. I recommend you find some other way or community for public journaling.

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To be honest @Preety_India you’re the reason I left the forum many months ago. This is the first times I’ve signed back in or made a comment since then. Go ahead and check my profile to verify. For me, I couldn’t stand reading your constant commenting, acting like you knew everything and were an authority. You used the forum literally all day every day.  Every time I would come on here for something I’d get distracted by your comments plastered all over the forum. Always in arguments, always complaining, always the SJW, always the victim and also kissing Leo’s ass. Then you immediately get defensive when anyone challenged you. People on here can feel your inauthenticity and see your contradictions (even if you can’t) and I think that’s why people “attack” you. 
 

At one point this was a place where people on the path could come and get advice but now it’s like any other social media site. Filled with people (not all)  just looking to get validation, vent, entertain and distract themselves from practicing real self actualization. I’m guilty of this from time to time myself. 
 

I’m sorry for being blunt and an asshole. I really don’t want to make your life any harder than it is, but you sit here in this goodbye sob story and blame everyone and everything else but yourself and I don’t buy a word of it. This is another grasp for attention and validation or an argument. Whatever keeps you involved with something on here to keep you busy and distracted. 
 

Again sorry for being a dick but just remember, I’m pixels lit up on a screen, I’m not real. 

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You know, ever since I've "known" you, it was clear to me that this forum, or any internet space for that matter, is not doing you any good. It kinda seemed to me, that you are using it as an escape from reality. And I can't blame you for that of course, it's very tempting to use various escape mechanisms, when you are experiencing some form of social isolation. I'm also guilty of that, and I also experience anxiety, together with being asphergher. It's tough, I know, especially when your mother is abusive narcisist and everyone looks like your enemy.

What would actually change your life around, I believe, is start working on that anxiety. Start working on that low self esteem. Find out a way to get rid of your mother (no mercy here. Once you find a way, you cut all contact with her. Compasion will not help you here). And in order to do all that, you have to get your finances in order. That will be the hardest part, cause you gonna have to get some better paying job.

You have to do it in babysteps. Turn your focus on your life, away from the forum. Journaling on it's own, won't help you. All that will happen, is that you'll just get trapped in your thoughts even more.

If you think leaving the forum completely is a good idea, then do so. However, I would advise you against that. Despite all that nasty stuff that may be triggering for you, the pros still outweight the cons. As long as you don't engage in pointless debates too much, the forum may be still benefitial for you. Plus, you can still journal if you want.

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I made one comment and wrote: " Marcel is a beta mofugga" or something like that and this is the reaction and I was playing around a lil bit?

guys get yourself a life pls, you don't seem in a healthy place at all 

then Marcel made post that more ppl needed to be banned and so on and on

Because of one sentence I made ppl freak out. How can you survive in the real world if you are that fucking sensitive like a little cry baby?

This is some real kindergarten stuff

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I'm so sorry @Preety_India that people have been treating you with such meanness and that you have been having to deal with that.  That sounds like it was really hard.  I hope you will be okay.  It was nice reading your posts and getting to explore reality with you.  You've got a big heart.

Best of luck.  :x

I wish you peace, love, and happiness.  

Edited by PepperBlossoms

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maybe I get banned, maybe not, I don't really care. I watch Leo's videos to learn and try to have an open mind that's why I went to this forum but I have a lot of stuff going on in my job, will move to another country, gym, friends, women, self-development an then I make one comment and people doubt their whole existence, wtf?

Now you want some pity cause I said mofugga.

Shiiiit

That seems to me you have a lot of issues in your life, how can one be so offended about one funny comment.

 

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I know the forum means a lot to you. Just try to relax and step away. It's going to be alright.

I have to be honest wit you though... 

I found you a little mean/ toxic with the little interactions we have had tbh

I haven't had those types of comments directed at me by anyone else on the forum... So it is worth reflecting on how you also interact with others. 

but also some really positive interactions with you too. It's because we are human. Yin and Yang.

Don't act like you are perfect and others are the problem. I have very positive interactions here all the time.

But it is a public forum so, you will get mixed bags. You also generally get what you put out.

The forum is young, the teachings are advanced. This is a slow process for everyone, for me and for you and everyone else.

But yea, it's good to step away. Take care! 

If you come back, itll be nice to see you around.

Sounds like your not really leaving anyway aahah

 

If you don't want people reading the journals that is why paper journals and applications like OneNote are for. So, maybe just try that so they are private? 

Maybe just take time off the forum and focus on your well being. It's not really all about you, and it shouldn't be making your life worse....

I personally enjoy the forum to be surrounded with topics I find interesting and to grow myself. Not so much the drama that is on facebook or something like that. Lets all try to keep maturing and being spiritually mature adults.

Edited by Thought Art

"When you Look in the sky, Just try looking inside, God Knows what you might find... "Here Comes The Nighttime" -Arcade Fire 

Qigong and Spirituality +Vlog - Thought Art

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Take some rest , learn a bit about online exploitation of private information and then return here with another account.also expect a mix of good and bad.there will be many noobies who will be mean and some advanced students who are a gift which keeps on giving.

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You are not without fault.

I wish you best of luck

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Anyways, I didn't except that reaction and I didn't want to hurt your feelings Preety, I'm sorry for that and that you took it that way.

Don't take stuff that personal. All the best, peace 

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1 minute ago, Zakaria said:

@Preety_India

what do you want @Leo Gura to do to make this forum a safer place?

and then?

you go out into the real world, you think the real world is a safer place than a forum on which everything is so fake and adjusted so you can't make jokes?

what benefits do you have from that?

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2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I also find the gaslighting here very repulsive. 

Gaslighting is not real you made it up because you're crazy. 

 Jk

But seriously we love you and wish you the best. 

I just think that leaving this place forever is unnecessary. 

It could be that you get so emotional so easily is because you spend so much time here. 

I would take a break for a month or two and then come back once in a while and pay attention to how you feel here. If it still brings up a lot of negative emotions in you then you should probably leave this place behind. 

Maybe even use a new account when you come back so the trolls don't bother you. 

This is just an opinion do what you think is best. ❤️

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@Preety_India thank you for your insight, compassion and wisdom. Just keep on growing you're on the right path. And just ignore the idiots in life, unfortunately there are plenty of them.


Consiousness is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.

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Good luck to you Preety. I hope you don't become resentful from this experience, hopefully you can draw some personal wisdom from what happened and move on to better things in your life. You are a person with a good heart.

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I would say this forum is worth your time because of some contributors who contribute insights that could change life .unfortunately they are very few and some members can be toxic.dont completely reject the forum.but take a peek once a day.

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