Flowerfaeiry

How long do you wait to have sex?

146 posts in this topic

@Nahm you are right as far as I'm concerned . I think that the romantic relationship is an instinctive relationship in which humans allow ourselves to be carried away by a "trap" that nature sets for procreation, and that has nothing to do with friendship, selflessness and nobility. As we create family ties, we have established that sexuality must be accompanied by commitment, which inevitably (imo) leads to frustration, guilt and pretense. with what I prefer to let myself go, cultivate relationships of pure friendship in which desire does not intervene, and enjoy sex if life brings me that, and if it does not, try to forget sex, which is not easy

With the sole exception of deciding to have children, a situation that I am not sure how to approach but that would have to arise in a clear, spontaneous and perfect way. if not, there is no problem in not having them. it is a very complicated matter. interesting to consider innovative possibilities 

On second thought, the honest thing, the right thing, would be to avoid sex except with the intention of procreating, or at least if you don't care if that happens. anything else is falsehood. Really complicated matter. Honesty, i don't know where is the right behavior here. This is the problem if you analyze this matter...better to flow and let's go to the troubles? 

Pd: i withdraw all of the above, I just know that I know nothing

Edited by Breakingthewall

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Maybe not the politically correct thing to say and the women's answer would differ from the mens, but as a guy who can get sex quite easily when a girl doesn't put out on the first date even when there is chemistry, it shows some constraint and that she values herself, getting a guy to work a little and so I value her and her maturity. The thinking goes if I can get her to be sexual with me on the first date, so could any other guy so whats so special about me, or she doesn't have control over herself in which case in a relationship I'd be worried of another guy swooping her too easily.  If I'm just looking for casual hook ups then its fine and it's not that you look down on the girl or lose respect, it just is what it is. Everyones exploring their sexuality differently or in a different phase. 

 

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32 minutes ago, zazen said:

Maybe not the politically correct thing to say and the women's answer would differ from the mens, but as a guy who can get sex quite easily when a girl doesn't put out on the first date even when there is chemistry, it shows some constraint and that she values herself, getting a guy to work a little and so I value her and her maturity. The thinking goes if I can get her to be sexual with me on the first date, so could any other guy so whats so special about me, or she doesn't have control over herself in which case in a relationship I'd be worried of another guy swooping her too easily.  If I'm just looking for casual hook ups then its fine and it's not that you look down on the girl or lose respect, it just is what it is. Everyones exploring their sexuality differently or in a different phase. 

 

Appreciate the contribution, but from here all I can say is that whether she "puts out" on the first date or even in the first hour is completely irrelevant and I wouldn't think even slightly less of her, neither in relation to how much of a catch she is nor to how much she's compatible with me nor to how much I should worry about her cheating. In fact, even cheating itself is actually completely irrelevant to me now, and THAT's the only thing I'd say most others won't relate to, as it wasn't always that way for me... But now, as far as I'm concerned, if she wants to cheat, then as long as she tells me, I'm totally fine with it -- and that's actually never even happened to me. In my experience, if you don't care if a woman cheats, she generally will not cheat, because you're quite secure. And even if she does, no one gives a fuck. If anything the only problem this presents is the woman getting jealous (of other women you talk to) rather easily because you're perceived almost as un-have-able, unless she has the same outlook on cheating, which takes a very, very mature (and/or perhaps naturally polyamorous?) woman. Of course if you both have that same outlook, there's no such thing as cheating anyway.

Edited by The0Self

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Devaluing a girl because she has sex with you on the 1st, 2nd, whatever date is very silly to me. Some silly societal thoughts there imo. If there is chemistry and you feel like it, then it seems to me great to go with that. I resonate more with the idea that neither of the parties has to fake anything or play any games. If a girl thinks or likes the idea that I have to work for something like that, I'd be very much put off. I don't want to persuade her, to 'win' her, I want it only if we both want it and that we treat each other like equals there. But who knows, maybe the guy you're dating thinks different.

Edited by Waken

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1 hour ago, Waken said:

Devaluing a girl because she has sex with you on the 1st, 2nd, whatever date is very silly to me. Some silly societal thoughts there imo. If there is chemistry and you feel like it, then it seems to me great to go with that. I resonate more with the idea that neither of the parties has to fake anything or play any games. If a girl thinks or likes the idea that I have to work for something like that, I'd be very much put off. I don't want to persuade her, to 'win' her, I want it only if we both want it and that we treat each other like equals there. But who knows, maybe the guy you're dating thinks different.

Thats the thing, we on this forum may not view it in a negative light, but the average guy out there views things differently. It's tough at times as us being on forum of self development / spirituality gotta be careful not to project more evolved perspectives onto society when discussing society and the average guy/girl. 

 

A lot of the guys who will give a carefree non judgmental attitude towards it when pursuing a girl as to not make her feel 'slutty' / put up defence and so for her to relax and open up sexually. Whether that attitude is genuine or just a facade for the man to get what he wants short term is what women have to be careful and discern themselves with their intuition. 

Edited by zazen

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When a girl withholds sex she's not doing for the guy's sake, she's doing it for her sake, while rationalizing it in her mind that it's for the guy.

Withhold if you like, but from the guy's POV it's annoying and it's clear you're playing games. So don't be surprised when the guy games you back.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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I have a problem withholding sex tbh but I want to get better at this! 

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If I'm attracted to someone I just want to have sex with them. But I think building up intimacy makes sex 10x better so waiting is good but it's hard but it's good :) 

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Actually you know what it would be really nice if the guy withheld for the girl. That would be amazinggg. 

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33 minutes ago, Gianna said:

Actually you know what it would be really nice if the guy withheld for the girl. That would be amazinggg. 

I withheld sex from my first long-term girlfriend. It was a really good decision, built a really good foundation for the relationship.

Don't view me as a hero though, it was only like 2 or 3 weeks xD. Enough though.


"Never held a high regard for Darwin, selection takes too long.
A little kick in the pool shouldn't do us wrong.
Devouring the very last invention man would ever need.
But exponential growth is a frightening thing, indeed.
"

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10 minutes ago, Roy said:

Don't view me as a hero though, it was only like 2 or 3 weeks xD. Enough though.

Haha. that's good! depending on how often you hung out during that time.

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Actually, I am losing respect for a girl if there is clear chemistry and she withholds for no reasons

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15 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

do not underestimate sex. It's not: oh, we like each other and we like Disneyland and wine. Let's make boyfriends and then let's have sex. no. is, if a kiss flows, if the contact takes your breath away, if, in short, sex works as it should ... that person and you are essentially compatible. your body knows more than your mind. mind for business, for relationships 100% energy. Letting yourself be carried away by the mind when it comes to a relationship is a guarantee of eternal boredom, gray life and being a coward. if the heart flows, the mind must adapt, even if the chosen person is the opposite of "the person in your dreams"(ufff)

Wow this is really spot on


"You Create Magic" 

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13 hours ago, Nahm said:

It almost sounds like all you care about (are focused on) is the sex. (Not to imply that is the case). No regard for the enjoyment of getting to know him, discovering more about yourself in the process, developing a relationship, etc. What about literally not thinking about sex… taking it out of the equation altogether… if what you really want is to fall in love and to have a happy healthy long term relationship?

Yes I am hahaha (not the only thing but in a way you're right lmao). I used to be very adamant about not having sex too early and thought it made a relationship "skip steps"... like getting to know them first. I sort of feel like I'm shedding that. 


"You Create Magic" 

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On 24/09/2021 at 4:49 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

Men, does a girl gain your respect for putting off sex until she feels she's more ready? 

Yes, as long as it is something authentic. That is, not something she's doing because she wants to play hard to get, but because she genuinely wants to wait. 

I think this is also a good test to see if the guy is worth it or not. If he gets too irritated or frustrated, then i consider that a red flag. the guy probably just want to have sex.

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@zazen Yes, my thoughts also. Frankly, I've so very little contact since quite some years with people that have a more average worldview, that I have at times really wondered how people in my country think and live

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You can go with the flow of your feelings and what feels right in the moment, but that stream can also lead to dirty water. The minute we'r open to pleasurable feelings, the other coin of that is the pain of that pleasure not lasting or being taken away from you, which you become dependent on for your well being. Sometimes it's best not to make long term decisions on short term feelings. 

 

Loving yourself ie doing what you love in the moment is one thing, but to also love your future self you must act the right way in this moment, so your future self is happy, unless your strong enough to bear what comes your way which is what self development is all about. If you fortify yourself spiritually, then you can go with your heart, and any heart break that may come won't be a emotional scar that can't heal but a wound that does. 

 

Trust isn't just trusting that life will treat you well, but that whatever comes your way you trust yourself to handle it well and come out the other side intact and strong. 

4 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Wow this is really spot on

 

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If you put out right away... If it's going to be a monogamous relationship I am not likely to think of it as long term tbh. You put out easily ahah. 


"When you Look in the sky, Just try looking inside, God Knows what you might find... "Here Comes The Nighttime" -Arcade Fire 

Qigong and Spirituality +Vlog - Thought Art

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It heavily depends on the individual, you can clearly see this just on this thread. Personally, I'm not a fan of these kinds of little games, I think they're annoying. 

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