fopylo

I fucking hate being called cute and made fun of. I had enough

48 posts in this topic

2 hours ago, fopylo said:

@Nahm I resist letting go. Why the fuck do I keep holding on? Am I fucking disabled?

No, perfectly able. It is unseen, how ‘you are holding on’, do to misunderstanding feeling. But it is felt. A thought about you which doesn’t feel good, doesn’t feel good because it isn’t true. It doesn’t matter if that is your thought, or someone else’s which they verbally express to you. Doesn’t feel good. Ain’t true. It is this simple. 

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You Toledo me many times that it is all about letting go, yet I'm still struggling with this shit. And even when I did manage sometimes (especially some time after the sessions), I still find myself forgetting about letting go, and decide to still hold on.

The regard for this experience as ‘this shit’ is judgement. Looking down on it as if you’re above it. When a thought arises about you judging yourself, it (that thought) doesn’t feel good because it’s (the thought) not true. Why would one hold on to a thought, which isn’t true, and does not feel good?  Sort of a trick question. One wouldn’t, one is believing the thought, and then saying “how do I let go and feel great again!?”. 

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Now I'm at camp and I feel really shitty. Everybody seems to be doing socially fine and acting naturally, and I'm isolating myself and somewhat of a scapegoat. Parents also got divorced recently so it isn't the easiest.

“Really shitty” is not an emotion on the scale. That is a thought which seems to be about you. What is said to feel shitty - you are saying - is you!  That you feel really shitty. Well no wonder that thought doesn’t feel good, you’re awesome! How’s that thought feel talking about yourself, not good. Is it true, no. ‘Do I have to do something to have an experience, carefree, like these people I see?’ No. You let beliefs go. This is not ‘a doing’. It’s doing’s twin brother you are just now meeting, non-doing. You’ve been doing your whole life Neo. This is non-doing. Doing is the matrix of the mind, the illusion of the separate self, the believing of self referential thoughts

This “matrix of the mind”, is the belief in a thinker of thoughts. Thoughts arise… me, my, mine, I. These thoughts are for communication. In the movie The Matrix, there are Agents. Agents are deplorable, ambitious, greedy, self centered, arrogant, prideful, and unthinkably manipulative control freaks of nature which very literally do not feel. The scum of the earth, to such an extent, they have pulled the wool over everyone’s eye in regard to that there even is an earth.  These agents pose as doctors, mayors, leaders, teachers, parents, friends, significant others - could be anyone -and Agents convince you, that you need to know what they know about The Self, in one or a millions ways, but a product is always involved. “What” is a self referential thought. Is this a problem? Well, manipulation IS “I know something you don’t and you need what I know, or, I have something you don’t and you need it”. If you are believing it, you’re being manipulated, via being convinced to believing in need, and thus experiencing that there is a problem, and that there is something or someone you need, so you can feel better. 

What you’re experiencing is not your fault, yet it is to you to let beliefs, conditioning, go. You are experiencing precisely the damage done by those who manipulate. 

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I am living within my limitations

Not really here and not really at home

Where am I

What am I really trying to get

Is it the love within me that I'm lacking?

Perhaps

I decide to isolate myself, thinking it will get me somewhere, or take something off of me

Where are those lost dreams? Where are they?

I want to be like him, like him, and like him. I see hidden traits in myself, in them

I love ruminating, because it feels goody good.

I love being the victim, because it feels comfortable, but very limiting.

I live in fear.

Fuck, I just don't know how to flow, how to let myself flow.

How much longer can I take it, this camp, or myself...

Because wherever I am, I am there

Where is this happiness within me

Ok, I'll stop here. Just tried to create a poem without editing

More poems! More expression! Everyday!!!

Not believing thoughts is dispelling beliefs, and it feels good and is naturally clearing of clarity. Burst your bubbles

Keep expressing, that is the way! 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nahm

Thing is that I still isolate myself a lot lately because I don't feel like being with people and I don't want to put the pressure on myself to do so

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@Nahm

I can't take this shit anymore.

I'm bad at socializing, and I envy how the other guys are becoming very good friends already (the way they talk to each other, touch each other, hug each other... I really wish I could have such friendships). It really frustrates me. I feel like I'm not very accepted (it's tricky because they also think I look handsome and I always try to get away from those compliments). I am actually going away from social gatherings, even though I know that my goal here was to create great friendships that may hold for life (in that 6 month period of camp. We're almost 2 months in.) It is also hard for me to stand for myself and be assertive. There is this one kid, this one kid that subconsciously I know I want to connect to him, because I'm attracted to the way he treats friends, yet for some reason, in actuality, I kinda stray away from him, not knowing exactly why.. maybe I fear of being too pushy? Or to bother?

Some people here are going through not such an easy period, but are still getting help from other people here, one on ones. I've never yet got the help.

 

I've never yet got the help

Feeling stuck behind, as if I'm returning to my older self -

always trying, but never quite there yet

It sucks, it really does

But maybe I'm just too clouded

Is that what I really want?

I desire it, yet stay away from it, like a hot stove -

The closer I get the more overwhelming

So then, why do I tell myself I want it?

I feel like two people, like two voices are playing the game, or one unstable voice

What am I really trying to get?

Sadness is what I wish to show, but doesn't show

Sympathy is what I want to get, but never shows

But I don't want that

Because at the same time I am a handsome man that is born to get the girls

And play big, to succeed

To master the emotions

To understand

To observe and know

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@fopylo

There was once an Indian chief who told the story of the two wolves to a young boy. He explained that in this living, there are two wolves within you, a white wolf, and a black wolf. The chief explained that these wolves will fight within you to the death, until only one of them is left, only one will survive. He said this is suffering, this fight within you. In his innocence, the boy asked, “how do I know which wolf will win & survive?”  To which the chief replied, “it’ll be the one you feed”. 

Thoughts arise as preferences. Very simple - I’ve experienced, and thus I know more about what I do want, and what I don’t want. Abraham Hicks calls those thoughts, those preferences of what is wanted - ‘rockets of desire’. Abe says these rockets ‘shoot off’ as creation itself unfolding, and the universe, or if you will, source, is always already on it - already becoming that which you desire, and never needs to be told twice. I once happened to overhear someone asking about this. They said, “Abe, if source is on it the instant the preferences arises, and does not need to be told twice - why then, oh why, can’t I instantly manifest whatever I desire!?” To which Abe replied, “why are you doubting the universe?” 

My daughter intends to be a teacher. Her first words were “dad”, then “mom”, then “I’m going to be a teacher”. She couldn’t wait for kindergarten to start. She was so excited she literally had to stop and catch her breath. My son is relatively different. His actual first word was “fuck” (all mom), and he did not dig this going to school thing at all, not one bit. On his first day of kindergarten, before walking in, he asked if I would text parents of kids he wants to be friends with to make it easier for him. You could imagine the love that welled up in me, I really, really wanted to assure him that of course I would. But I said “No, no I will not do that son. That’s a big part of why you’re here, and you will be glad for this, I promise.” He’s older now, and he is glad. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nahm

I don't think I quite understood how it has to do with what I really said.

I find it lately hard to adapt myself to social groups. Feelings of not belonging to the group, not wanted, don't have enough energy for socializing...

I've realized that at some point of friendship, when it gets a bit too close for me it overwhelms me with ideas and thoughts which lead me to actually stray away from them and try to focus on being separate from them.

I also don't really like the image people have of me, me as a person - the silly guy that people tend to make fun of and sometimes even bully me in a friendly manner, but still, it hurts by limiting myself from acting assertive and more serious, but rather take this victim role because I also don't really know how to respond to such situations.

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43 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I don't think I quite understood how it has to do with what I really said.

You’re feeling the wolf you’re feeding. You’re feeling the thoughts & perspectives you’re focused upon. If emotion arises to be released / expressed, definitely allow it to. 

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I find it lately hard to adapt myself to social groups. Feelings of not belonging to the group, not wanted, don't have enough energy for socializing...

It’s easy to disregard a statement like this, believing one already knows & understands….  ‘Not belonging to a group’ isn’t an emotion. Use the emotional scale to understand what you’re experiencing. Try to refrain from making it about / believing that it is about you. The way you’re feeling is about the way you’re thinking, and not about you. Express each emotion up the scale. This takes maybe 15 minutes the first time. Feel the relief in not only raising your vibration, but in the shift of ‘this is about me’, to ‘this is about the emotion I’m experiencing, which tells me about the thoughts I’m focusing on’. Know what you do want, and focus accordingly… instead of doubting the universe. 

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I've realized that at some point of friendship, when it gets a bit too close for me it overwhelms me with ideas and thoughts which lead me to actually stray away from them and try to focus on being separate from them.

Experience that reaction, but relax and feel breathing from the stomach, instead of reacting in terms of behaviors, words, actions. This is how you change the reaction to a conscious response. It takes time. Google ‘how to address issues with intimacy’ and research / learn about this. Again, if emotion arises allow & express it. Like my son did, you are thinking something is wrong and looking for a solution. Nothing is wrong, it’s a matter of letting go of a belief or two, and the habit of focusing on thoughts which don’t feel good to you. 

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I also don't really like the image people have of me, me as a person - the silly guy that people tend to make fun of and sometimes even bully me in a friendly manner, but still, it hurts by limiting myself from acting assertive and more serious, but rather take this victim role because I also don't really know how to respond to such situations.

You’re free to respond however you like. If your comfort and happiness are contingent upon what other think of you, simply notice you have never actually experienced that anyone is even thinking, let alone what they are thinking about you. You experience what comes out of their mouths, just like the rest of us, and that is no more than their opinion, just like the rest of us. 

Take rightful ownership of that image. If you’re directly experiencing it, and you are, it’s your image to see through & let go. I could definitely be wrong, and I apologize if that is the case, but I don’t think you’re being bullied, I think you’re projecting that onto someone who is joking around and doesn’t take themself seriously like you do. Bullying is not friendly, joking around is friendly, or neutral. Thus any limits imposed are being imposed by you. The easy solution here is to make a joke about yourself, or a non offensive joke right back to them. I very much believe you’ll find in either case it’ll break the tension you’re experiencing. 

You could also take a few minutes to feel, to direct attention inwardly to the sensation itself, and see if any thoughts arise as to how, where, when and from who this conditioning was learned. As hypothetical possibilities to get that ball rolling and maybe help something to ‘click’ and thus release… maybe a parent was overly protective, yet very loving, and you’re feeling uncomfortable with new people because they don’t treat you the same, and seeking their approval and validation. Maybe a parent was overly critical, leaving you with an impression you’re not good enough as you are. Maybe one parent adopted an aggressor role, and the other a victim role, and you learned some coping mechanisms. Again, I don’t know, these are hypothetical examples. 

In any and all cases every one of us are free to focus on a better feeling thought. The simple admittance & acknowledgement of this universal truth is very relieving. 

Give this two minute clip a watch. It’s a great example of how humor defuses, specifically in relation to a certain well known brand of ‘guy humor’. If you haven’t been around guys much, this might be new to you, but it’s like a known common thing that we all rip on eachother. Some more than others, but the point is those making the jokes very likely do not mean anything so personal and serious as you are interpreting. They might just be having regular old guy fun. Idk. Notice… it is funny. You yourself will laugh at some of the jokes. Notice neither of them are trying to actually hurt eachother. 

If & when we are fighting, it is only every really with ourself. 

This may be wildly counterintuitive to you idk, but the instant you stop taking yourself so seriously and focusing on lack (don’t have friendships etc), it is revealed to you that you were holding yourself back… with your interpretations etc. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@fopylo i have had also had anxiety about relationships, friends etc, and for me the solution is this: 1 accept loneliness. avoid needing to be in a group. It is not easy but it is fundamental. 2 Only approach people with whom you are comfortable and if it's possible, share values. first understand, affirm, enhance your values. it is infinitely better to be alone than in bad company. assert yourself in your loneliness. be proud of your loneliness. It is independence, I mean, not dependence. stop depending. you don't need idiots. get this: you don't need idiots. look at the boys who go in a group, so adapted, with pity. they are slaves of acceptance. look at those guys with their pretty girlfriends with pity. They are acting, they are slaves, they are afraid. There is real friendship, real attraction, real love, but it's not that shit you see out there. be free. Of course it's not easy, but step by step

Edited by Breakingthewall

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