tolo

Single life is too comfortable

34 posts in this topic

Hi there

I am (27 years) single since couple of years now and it gets too comfortable for me! I am quite happy alone, and i don’t miss having a partner. I would  be open for a new relationship, but not with just anyone. Must be someone that is on the same life mission as I am, but this person is difficult to find. People keep approaching me for superficial reasons, but im just not into that. My friends told me that something must be wrong with me and I might have commitment issues. But I never thought about it like that... 

Can anyone relate to that? 

Edited by tolo

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Most relationships start for superficial reasons. What do you expect? Take responsibility for developing the connection you want.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Of course most people who approach you do so for superficial reasons. That's all they know, they can't see your personality. They don't know who you are as a person, at least not yet, unless they start talking to you and get to know you beyond your looks. 

Give people a chance. At least give those ones you find physically attractive, because that IS important, among other things. Then you can go on dates and decide if you like them as a person.

And one more thing... If you think it is difficult to find "the one", you will keep living that reality. Self-fullfilling prophecy.

Edited by somegirl

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4 hours ago, tolo said:

Hi there

I am (27 years) single since couple of years now and it gets too comfortable for me! I am quite happy alone, and i don’t miss having a partner. I would  be open for a new relationship, but not with just anyone. Must be someone that is on the same life mission as I am, but this person is difficult to find. People keep approaching me for superficial reasons, but im just not into that. My friends told me that something must be wrong with me and I might have commitment issues. But I never thought about it like that... 

Can anyone relate to that? 

LOL yep... I certainly can.

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Single life can be very comfortable. But what's comfortable is also just what you are familiar with. Some can't stand the idea of not having a partner. Both states are good to experience as it gives you both perspectives. I don't see myself ever getting married (trying to create permanence doesn't end well in my opinion), but having a partner I can relate to on many levels that I can spend time with would be a good experience. 

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29 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Most relationships start for superficial reasons. What do you expect? Take responsibility for developing the connection you want.

Ok to be more clear, most people approach me to have sex only, not because they want to know me better. And I´m not into that anymore...  

20 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Of course most people who approach you do so for superficial reasons. That's all they know, they can't see your personality. They don't know who you are as a person, at least not yet, unless they start talking to you and get to know you beyond your looks. 

Give people a chance. At least give those ones you find physically attractive, because that IS important, among other things. Then you can go on dates and decide if you like them as a person.

And one more thing... If you think it is difficult to find "the one", you will keep living that reality. Self-fullfilling prophecy.

And I am going on dates, I do give people a chance, but didn’t work out till now. I was raised in a stage orange/green (spiral dynamics) country, and currently I Live in a stage red/blue country. Most of the people I meet here have different interests and priorities than I have, and I do not want to force myself to change my life just to make it work. I don’t believe  in "the one", but I believe  that two must be a good fit, to be happy with each other and they should have the same interests. Or am I totally wrong here, and I should maybe more acceptable? Being single isn’t that bad too tho ?

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49 minutes ago, The0Self said:

LOL yep... I certainly can.

So do you think we have commitement issues? ?

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if it gets comfortable so it's not good.

relationship has its ups and downs. joys and challenges, you don't want to get away from this real fact, would ya? 


"If you kick me when I'm down, you better pray I don't get up"

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1 hour ago, tolo said:

Most of the people I meet here have different interests and priorities than I have, and I do not want to force myself to change my life just to make it work. I don’t believe  in "the one", but I believe  that two must be a good fit, to be happy with each other and they should have the same interests. Or am I totally wrong here, and I should maybe more acceptable? Being single isn’t that bad too tho ?

No, you're in the right. You shouldn't change yourself to "fit in" with stage red/blue people, not at all. If you do, you wouldn't be truly happy and you would be settling. 

Better work on yourself and stay single than be with someone you know is not right fit for you and won't fulfill you. That leads to long term suffering. Eventually the right person will find you.

Edited by somegirl

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Though there are some people who get into multiple relationships, even with people they are not truly attracted to, just for the sake of it. Or for learning experience/other reasons.

I was one of those people. But then I figured I would rather stay single than be with someone I kind of liked. I wanted to give this guy a chance. I thought I was too picky. But it didn't truly fulfill me. And it made me kinda miserable, now looking back. I want to absolutely adore the person I am with. 

But I'm kinda grateful i went through that process because now I know what I want a little better.

Edited by somegirl

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1 hour ago, somegirl said:

I was one of those people

I totally relate, because I was also in many relationships that didn’t fulfill me just to give "this guy a chance, since he tries so hard". But those relationships ended bad, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. But I also don’t want to be too "picky"... But what you say makes totally sense. Thank you, i needed that :)

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So they say upfront they want only sex or you assume that from their actions?

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Yes can relate. No, wouldn't say at all that it means there are commitment issues. It seems to me most peoples reasons for constantly looking for relationships come from a lack or fear (negative motivations). Perhaps best to always choose the best feeling option and steer away from negative motivations.
But you say 'single life too comfortable alone'. Is there a fear behind the thought of not having someone? Otherwise, why would you say it's too comfortable.. Perhaps let that reasons go

Edited by Waken

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32 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

So they say upfront they want only sex or you assume that from their actions?

For real, they only wanted sex, nothing more. 

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If you want to find something specific, like someone on the same life mission, you need to go looking for it. It's a shot in the dark waiting for a certain kind of thing to come around. That will be a lot of waiting. Which is ok if you're patient and able to handle it.

It sounds like maybe though you aren't content with that anymore which is why you made this thread?

Where do you think your ideal person would be (with that certain life mission)? What places could you put yourself in where you think you could meet them?


"Given enough explosives any moron can blow up a building, don't YOU wanna be that moron?"

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20 minutes ago, Waken said:

Is there a fear behind the thought of not having someone? Otherwise, why would you say it's too comfortable..

I have been in some relationships in the past,  just because of the fear of not having someone. But now I am actually quite happy as a single and i feel comfortable being single. The pressure, of having someone, was always my motivation to find a new partner, but now I don’t feel this pressure anymore. And my friend brought up that I might have developed commitment Issues because of my past relationships. But I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore just to be with someone, I’m done with that.

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3 hours ago, tolo said:

So do you think we have commitment issues? ?

Well... relatable in the general sense that you describe, plus we're both 27 and perfectly content being single xD

No "issues" at all, commitment or otherwise, I don't think.

I'm male though so maybe the dynamic is slightly different. But yeah after a sort of shift that took place over several years and culminated somewhat recently, I no longer view relationships in a way that even slightly resembles the conventional sense xD. Just for instance, I no longer consider "cheating" to be a meaningful construct -- no need to tie down my partner with only me. I haven't met too many women that have the same view, but they're definitely out there. It's essentially irrelevant though since I'm not naturally polyamorous at all anyway, but yeah.. the love (NEED) projected onto me is not really returned as need, but rather as "simply-already-complete / not-special" love, so I'm always the one who ends the relationship (often jealousy arises in them; I never cheat and neither do they so that's got nothing to do with it). I don't sweat it at all, or see it as a problem in any way, but perhaps if I were female it would strike differently. I have no clue really, but to me it's obviously not a problem. That's just a story though, I don't know anything, there's just what seems to play out.

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I love being with someone and having so much cool shit to do together. My girlfriend and I have a list of all the cool things we would like to do together, and we consequently go through them.

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