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Hulia

OK, journal

16 posts in this topic

My dear Slava

мой милый друг (зажеваное выражение, но мне нравятся буквы "м" и "л", а вот "др" - наоброт не очень)

I don´t need your manifestations. It´s enough for me to be a witness of your love. I am in awe of its power.

Just talk to me now and then, randomly and aimlessly. It´s always a miracle to exchange with you the first words after periods of silence.

Just be.

Always yours

me (хихи like писк склонившейся мышки in front of an elefant) 

 

And yes, it is autumn. Thin webs trembling in the rays of low sun, silent white days

Edited by Hulia

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I am not really good in monologues, always prefered dialogues

dialogues are fine

...and fun

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I would dialogue with you; you are an interesting person. But I'm not as smart as you are, and I become boring very quickly. I think maybe we can work past those problems, but still I don't have much time nowadays anyway (college, work, LP).


Have faith.

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You know, it was very inappropriate moment you left me. I guess, your wife was pregnant, you should have said it to me, but you always chose the most painful ways to treat me. You sang a song that we will talk to each other like we have always done, and then you left. I was crying and crying my heart out - the song in my ears, but you know it, you were there, though I´d prefer, you wouldn´t.

Then I found a job, it wasn´t easy for somebody with 0 experience and a toddler and high unemployment. It took me a lot of time and effort. I found a job and it was a shitty job with an asshole of manager and a lot of hate, envy and competition among colleagues. I forced me every day to get up and go there. Once I was returning home and i thought: this is my life. Between shitty job and shitty home. No escape. And no place to feel good. I cannot quit this job because we need money, I cannot leave my degrading husband, because my child needs a father. This is how it always will be. Till I get old, sick and die. 

It was yoga. Half of women at yoga classes were going through divorce. Somehow there is a correlation. The decision came so easily and instantly to me. I woke up one morning on Saturday. My husband has left as aslways. For a "business trip", hehe, leving chaos in the house. Then I found a receipt from his last shopping with a lot of alcohol on it and little food. And I knew, I cannot and I will not go on like this.

My husband sensed that it has something to do with yoga. He spread everywhere rumors, that I am crazy and occult and belong to a yoga sect. I cought weird looks at me, people started to avoid me, or maybe I just imagined it, I don´t know. Anyway it felt like the whole world was against me. A kindergarden nurse once wanted to talk to me. She told, she worried, that my child was neglected, because I picked her up always so late, besides her German was getting worse, sometimes she babbled russian words, she might get retarded compared to other children. I asked her, if it ever occured to her that I had to work for our living, like 40 h/week? I also asked her since when kids speaking 2 languages are retarded? I think, she got embarassed.

Edited by Hulia

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10 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

and I become boring very quickly

I am even more boring than you. Since I always end up by self-pity, that´s why I didn´t want no fucking journalling. So tired and bored by myslef. I even pity myslelf for slef-pity. ?

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1 hour ago, Gesundheit2 said:

@Hulia Dude, it's not a contest. But I'll let you have the title if you insist :P

Thank you! You are very generous! I propose, we´ll share a title, it would be fair:

Ms and Mr Bore of actualized dot org!

Ta-ta! Red carpet is rolling out.

Edited by Hulia

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You know, what I was thinking about, while buying grapes?

I wonder, what your life would be like, if you hadn´t banned me out of it so stubbornly. Who knows, maybe you also could profit from me. I know, your life is amazing anyway, since you are a kind of enlightend and have this icredibly vivid perception. But hey, your potential, your enormous potential is by far not used. Doesn´t matter of course.. but well nothing matters and still everything matters

Assumptions, only assumptions, no use of them, but still it´s nice to think in this direction. Haha I mean .. a thought about you without self-pity is not bad for a change.

Maybe we could write amazing stories together. As a child I was absolutely fascinated by 2 words - Ilf and Petrov, I thought even, it´s a kind of error, it should be Ilya Petrov or something. Not that I was a big fan of them, but the idea.. how did they do it? I tried to imagine

PhotoScan2.jpg

Edited by Hulia

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I wish, you answer me one day this one BIG question:

 

WHY DO YOU REJECT ME?

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The problem is, I lack your perspective. I don´t understand, how it is for you. It might be, what appears unhealthy and painful for me, the more time passes by, the more weird and incomprehensive it´s getting for me - why it should be this way? It might be, that for you it´s exactly the right way, exactly how you want it to be. You are definitely attracted to me, otherwise we wouldn´t bump into each other now and then. But it might be some different kind of attraction, not known by me. Like if I disappear tomorrow, you will miss me occasionally, but on the whole it will be ok for you. Another kind of attraction is, if you really don´t want to miss this person in your life, like it was with Ira. Idk.. It´s too complicated for me. Even if I understand it one day, what does it change it for me? Nothing. It is as it is.

 

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I just want to add. if you disappear tomorrow, I will be also ok. I have had enough experience to know it and not to be afraid.

Actually I am planning to delete all my accounts one day and end it. I don´t do it immediately because I try to prolong the excitement, to leave this act of liberation for the future - one happy day.

Because I also know that after this exciting act of liberation, some time after, the emtyness comes. Not the unbearable one, the normal. 

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After I delete all accounts, you´ll be only a skeleton in my wardrobe behind the locked doors.

When I am old and demented, when I forget everything, even my name, a skeleton will come out of a wardrobe dancing,  and I´ll shout weird things at nurses ?

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Just for the case, the things will happen abruptly: a mood of me, a word of you. I tell it know. I love you and I will always love you. And I also wish, that you share your loving heart with as many people as possible.

And

I wish I had had a chance to experience you in a physical reality. It does´t mean necessarily sex or marriage or whatever... What is the problem? I don´t understand. I even thought for a while, that you´ve lost your legs or arms or something that you are physically a cripple. Just frantically trying to find explanations, otherwise it would be "he hates me".

Edited by Hulia

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OK, I understand. Love can have different forms. Acceptance, rejection, ... never changing in essence

But

still

Why is it a problem for you to meet physically, just one time? Your name, your face, your body, your voice. It´s just a form. But for me it means something: I could close a chapter at last. I don´t expect something special and I am sure, it won´t change anything. Why can´t you do this small favour for me? I swear, I won´t even set a foot over your threshold, I´ll book a hotel, sleep one night, and next day I am off to Bahamas, I saw on the map it´s not that far. Cool location :) Congratulation! 

Now it sounds like I am begging, but I am not. It´s a matter-of-fact-question.

We will meet for half an hour in a small bar. You will drink coffee and smoke. Yes, I allow you to smoke, since it´s one-time event. I will drink black tea and eat an apple pie. I hope it will be autumn outside, but not crucial. And then I´ll leave for Bahamas and you go online. Nothing changes.

And a hug! Almost forgot. If i fly over the ocean, I want to have a hug.

Edited by Hulia

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