zazen

Consequences of a unregulated dating market (hypergamy)

199 posts in this topic

1 minute ago, zazen said:

By top man it means their top man, the best they think they can get, it will differ slightly for everyone of course. 

Isn't this something that even men do?

Like do men approach women that they find unattractive? 

I've always observed this double standard in the dating section where if a man wants a desirable woman, he is doing exactly what he needs to do yet when a woman wants to be with a man who she finds desirable, it is painted as an undeserving privilege or some sort of injustice or unfairness 

So a woman should not look for a man who is desirable in her eyes yet a man is completely free to make his choices in women? 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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It's interesting, red pill and all these movements can't just have been manifested out of nowhere either. The reality on the ground caused these ideas as a reaction, maybe what it morphs into leaves that reality behind in the end and becomes something else, thats a whole other discussion. Even then, if many people resonate with it, their must be some semblance of truth that rings with their experience, although the truth can be covered with a lot of falsity also. 

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7 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I’m right there with you. It’s like every man who’s my age and younger just got totally brainwashed by this redpill stuff.

At least there are older men who aren’t quite as online, who had to actually leave their dungeons to socialize in their teens and twenties. They tend to be less likely to succumb to these illusions.

I feel bad, because even my nerdy awkward friends... they just went to the bar in their 20's and learned to socialize that way.  Like, my autistic male friend who had a hard time finding a girl is now in a 3 year relationship.  Granted he WORKED hard at getting two math degrees from university, both master's.  The money did help a bit, because he then bought a home, and had what he needed to start a life.  He was completely independent.  He was honestly the most awkward guy in the world, and just worked on himself and found a girl he liked.  She was not a model, but she was really cuuuute!

A lot of these guys think "oh, I need the model" but there are so many cuuuuute girls, too.  I have more stories of shy, or short... or insecure... ect ect.  The difference is that they could go out and socialize.  And after a few beers, they were not awkward.

In my 20's, we did not throw our awkward guy friends away, we brought them WITH us as hot girls - and helped them.

Things were just... different I guess.

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3 minutes ago, zazen said:

I believe there is some substance and something we can learn from it yes. By top man it means their top man, the best they think they can get, it will differ slightly for everyone of course. 

''The best guys to have relationships with are average men'' correct but a lot of women can over look these men they are average. Especially now that women are earning. Women value higher earners - that is a man with security/resources to ensure survival on a certain level, a lot of it is subconscious, and likewise men out of ego wouldn't feel comfortable if their partner earned more than them. But because that is what women value in men, they project this onto themselves and so if they are higher earners also value them selves to that higher status. And so the standard is set that men must meet that level or above for them to even consider certain men as options. Women are out competing men in education today in fact, and theres less men on that level. This isn't how you view it but how a lot women would.  There are exceptions to the rule of women earning more than men and being in relationships, but that is the exception. 

Like Loba mentioned the dating game has changed, yes it has. 

Most women will not overlook average guys. Most women will be interested in average guys. If you’re an average guy, your dating prospects are pretty great.

If a woman is attuned to her emotions and not her rational mind when seeking a relationship, she will likely become attracted to her match.

And since most women are average, average men will have lots of women attracted to them. In fact, most average women will auto-sort men who look like male models. Women seek their match.

And an emotionally intelligent man who’s oriented towards relationship, will be quite happy to be in a relationship with his match.

Now a guy who’s only interested in perfect 10s will be in a situation with women who are status seekers…. As both are just looking to trade status for beauty and beauty for status.

But this is not an enviable place to be. There’s not much love to be had there.


If you’re interested in developing Emotional Mastery and feeling more comfortable in your own skin, click the link below to register for my FREE Emotional Mastery Webinar…

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@Preety_India

Yes, men do also look for the best they can get, everyone does. The difference I think may be that due to the court system men have a lot more to lose in divorce which de-incentivises them from straying, and don't have options the way women do in term of fulfilling their sexual urges.

A women has a certain sense of abundance at least sexually, knowing that if she were to go out she could find sex easily, for most men its a lot more work. Men get comfortable in relationships and would prefer not to be out on the dating scene as for them it can be very tough to approach and get rejected many times before he comes across someone who reciprocates his interest. Its an active pursuit and the burden of performance relies upon men. Also, women can still get hit on by men in public, through social media now days etc as they go about their day which adds to the sense of abundance. Men rarely if ever get hit on and once out the game and in a relationship they are totally out of it. If the sex were to dry up in that relationship he would get frustrated for he knows the effort he would have to go through to fulfil those urges once again, whereas for the woman she could go out and get it satisfied a lot easier. 

Unless the man transcends his sexual desires of course, but thats not majority of men. 

Edited by zazen

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4 minutes ago, Loba said:

I feel bad, because even my nerdy awkward friends... they just went to the bar in their 20's and learned to socialize that way.  Like, my autistic male friend who had a hard time finding a girl is now in a 3 year relationship.  Granted he WORKED hard at getting two math degrees from university, both master's.  The money did help a bit, because he then bought a home, and had what he needed to start a life.  He was completely independent.  He was honestly the most awkward guy in the world, and just worked on himself and found a girl he liked.  She was not a model, but she was really cuuuute!

A lot of these guys think "oh, I need the model" but there are so many cuuuuute girls, too.  I have more stories of shy, or short... or insecure... ect ect.  The difference is that they could go out and socialize.  And after a few beers, they were not awkward.

In my 20's, we did not throw our awkward guy friends away, we brought them WITH us as hot girls - and helped them.

Things were just... different I guess.

Yeah, I’ve always been on the nerdy side of things and had plenty of nerd guy friends. And I remember being 19, when my last nerd guy friend (who was also 19) got his first girlfriend.

And I remember thinking that he was such a late bloomer. And now, all these young guys do is just read red pill forums and live in their dungeons. And so they never get girlfriends.

And they misattribute their lack of success to these nonsense ideas about female nature… instead of to the fact that they don’t talk to any women.


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5 minutes ago, zazen said:

Yes, men do also look for the best they can get, everyone does. The difference I think may be that due to the court system men have a lot more to lose in divorce which de-incentivises them from straying, and don't have options the way women do.

A women has a certain sense of abundance at least sexually, knowing that if she were to go out she could find sex easily, for most men its a lot more work. Men get comfortable in relationships and would prefer not to be out on the dating scene as for them it can be very tough to approach and get rejected many times before he comes across someone who reciprocates his interest. Its an active pursuit and the burden of performance relies upon men. Also, women can still get hit on by men in public, through social media now days etc as they go about their day which adds to the sense of abundance. Men once out the game and in a relationship are totally out of it. If the sex were to dry up in that relationship he would get frustrated whereas for the woman she could go out and get it satisfied a lot easier. 

Insert regurgitated red pill talking point the family court system…. Very original.

But to your other point, women don’t care that much about sexual abundance. It’s not really a priority because most women don’t want random sex that much. It’s just not very fulfilling.

And this post falls into the trap of men projecting their own sexual agenda onto female sexuality. 

This is honestly why men rarely ever understand anything about female sexuality. Their agenda is too different, so all they can do is project what they’re familiar with.


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@Emerald I understand covid happened... but I mean... for the most part, what happened to early socialization?  We would just go to bars meant for young folks, like ones in the U district, and the awkward guys got chicks all the time.  After a few drinks they were not awkward guys anymore.  This was also when nerds were starting to be looked at like prizes, nerd culture had a boom for a while there with the hipster crowd and all my computer tech friends found great girls over time.  Maybe not AT the bar, lol, but but they didn't have this self deprecating attitude, and it makes me sad seeing guys who could do even better than my friends did feeling like they are not good enough.

There is the early 20's initiation that is missing from modern society.  It is a much more equal playing ground than some guys would think. ;) 

To girls who read this:  If you have awkward nerd guy friends, take them to the bars/clubbing with you.  They need this.  You could be a lifeline to someone's self esteem and dating life, if you do this for your awkward male friends.  Women might need to step in and introduce them to their friends and stuff. 

There is a part of being in your early 20's where you need to get all the "party" out, and guys feel like they lost out on something if they can't do this.  So bring them along and play on their strengths when you introduce them to pretty women.  This incel stuff would disappear really quickly if we could show that women are not looking for "Chad"  (my exes name, though lol) but we do like sweet/funny/intelligent... really though, we are all different, there is a girl out there for every guy.

I think a girl as a wingman for an awkward guy would give better results than all of this stuff on the market.  We might need to step in and just show guys like this what to do.  So many of these guys don't deserve to feel like this, and if you can nip it in the bud in their 20's, it makes all the difference in the world.  Seriously.

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          The societal transition between stages is not an easy, smooth, win-only journey.  The benefits of green, yellow and beyond are so huge that it’s more worthwhile to focus on that than the downsides of making progress away from blue/orange.  Also, a lot of those downsides can be mitigated using personal growth and taking responsibility for your life.  That’s why people keep emphasizing personal responsibility here.

          The post being discussed is rife with faulty assumptions and victim mindset, many of which have been pointed out by lots of people on this thread, especially @Emerald.  Taking personal responsibility for your situation is an absolute must no matter what your situation.  It’s also easier to do at stage green and above than stage blue or orange.  Another good reason to move away from blue/orange.

 

2 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If this was 100 years ago her family would have chosen her husband and no one would have asked any questions.

          I’d rather be single with options in a stage green society than raped and trapped in an abusive marriage, or even a typical shitty marriage, in a stage blue society.   The problem of having too high standards is more effectively addressed through personal development first, rather than government or family intervention, especially at stage green.   

 

          You might find this talk interesting.  It’s by a successful, hard core PUA James Marshall.  He talks about feminism and the transition from blue to orange and why that’s good for men, not bad.  He doesn’t use the language of SD, but addresses a lot of stuff about red pill, black pill and societal change.

 

 

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3 minutes ago, Loba said:

@Emerald I understand covid happened... but I mean... for the most part, what happened to early socialization?  We would just go to bars meant for young folks, like ones in the U district, and the awkward guys got chicks all the time.  After a few drinks they were not awkward guys anymore.  This was also when nerds were starting to be looked at like prizes, nerd culture had a boom for a while there with the hipster crowd and all my computer tech friends found great girls over time.  Maybe not AT the bar, lol, but but they didn't have this self deprecating attitude, and it makes me sad seeing guys who could do even better than my friends did feeling like they are not good enough.

There is the early 20's initiation that is missing from modern society.  It is a much more equal playing ground than some guys would think. ;) 

To girls who read this:  If you have awkward nerd guy friends, take them to the bars/clubbing with you.  They need this.  You could be a lifeline to someone's self esteem and dating life, if you do this for your awkward male friends.  Women might need to step in and introduce them to their friends and stuff. 

There is a part of being in your early 20's where you need to get all the "party" out, and guys feel like they lost out on something if they can't do this.  So bring them along and play on their strengths when you introduce them to pretty women.  This incel stuff would disappear really quickly if we could show that women are not looking for "Chad"  (my exes name, though lol) but we do like sweet/funny/intelligent... really though, we are all different, there is a girl out there for every guy.

I think a girl as a wingman for an awkward guy would give better results than all of this stuff on the market.  We might need to step in and just show guys like this what to do.  So many of these guys don't deserve to feel like this, and if you can nip it in the bud in their 20's, it makes all the difference in the world.  Seriously.

I probably wouldn’t want to be a guy’s wingman.

But I will give them a dose of reality and let them know that their whole framework around women is nonsense and that most women are looking for a very human connection with a normal man. And that they will be exactly what some women are looking for, no matter who they are.


If you’re interested in developing Emotional Mastery and feeling more comfortable in your own skin, click the link below to register for my FREE Emotional Mastery Webinar…

Emotionalmastery.org

 

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7 minutes ago, zazen said:

@Preety_India

Yes, men do also look for the best they can get, everyone does. The difference I think may be that due to the court system men have a lot more to lose in divorce which de-incentivises them from straying, and don't have options the way women do in term of fulfilling their sexual urges.

In most cases statistically, men are more likely to cheat in a marriage than women. Women are bound to their family by their children. 

As a woman ages, she finds it difficult to get a partner so she is more likely to stay with the person she is married to 

Women show higher commitment to their partners once they have children because biologically women are conditioned to look for security and stability. 

They don't want an unstable lifestyle of multiple partners. They want the safety and security of a home, husband and children. So they are less likely to cheat. Also women experience strong biological and emotional connection with the guy they are consistently sleeping with as a result of the female biology and this is another reason they are less likely to cheat. 

7 minutes ago, zazen said:

A women has a certain sense of abundance at least sexually, knowing that if she were to go out she could find sex easily, for most men its a lot more work.

 

 

This only looks true on paper. In reality women don't go around seeking partners at the rate men do. Women are also more likely to reject. 

Having sex is not always the best option for women. They can get accidentally pregnant or they might have to be on birth control pills. Such decisions aren't easy on women. Because it means compromising or interfering with their biology. 

Unlike men, women have hangups around sex that women don't openly talk about. They have their own fears, insecurities and anxieties. Being with a man is like a constant job for a woman. 

Being a girlfriend or a wife is not an easy thing. Most women have already experienced an abusive or toxic relationship by the time they are 22,especially if they are sexually free and open to dating. 

1 out of 5 women in the US have experienced some form of sexual assault by some they have known in their life 

So externally it appears as though women enjoy privilege when it comes to getting sex don't mistake this as actual privilege. 

Women hardly ever want what men want. Women don't want to go around wanting to have sex with multiple men, it's not something she finds a desirable goal. 

So this privilege is practically useless to her 

It's like gifting someone something they find completely useless. 

Not only do women don't find anything of great privilege in finding easy sex, as that's what they are never looking for, they find it super annoying when undesirable men constantly annoy them with requests for sex. That's the last they want. 

7 minutes ago, zazen said:

 

Men get comfortable in relationships and would prefer not to be out on the dating scene as for them it can be very tough to approach and get rejected many times before he comes across someone who reciprocates his interest. Its an active pursuit and the burden of performance relies upon men.

I agree that rejection is quite painful and men have to approach. However rejection can happen on both sides although being rejected by a man is not that frequent. 

We have to take into account how women are generally discouraged from approaching men actively by a patriarchal society. A woman being forward with her taste in men is generally regarded masculine or undesirable. 

Also if the tables were reversed and if women mostly approached men the same thing would happen to them. If men were spoilt for choice, they would reject women as well. 

 

 

7 minutes ago, zazen said:

 

Also, women can still get hit on by men in public, through social media now days etc as they go about their day which adds to the sense of abundance. Men rarely if ever get hit on and once out the game and in a relationship they are totally out of it.

 

Why would someone want to be hit on if they were already in a relationship? 

I don't think cheating is a good thing. 

 

7 minutes ago, zazen said:

 

If the sex were to dry up in that relationship he would get frustrated for he knows the effort he would have to go through to fulfil those urges once again, whereas for the woman she could go out and get it satisfied a lot easier. 

Again. A woman could end up dating a rapist or a axe murderer. She does not feel as free as you automatically assume 

 

7 minutes ago, zazen said:

Unless the man transcends his sexual desires of course, but thats not majority of men. 

A man can move on.. In most relationships where men abandon women, they go for a younger woman, a woman younger than their girlfriend or wife. This is nothing new. Women don't have much privilege once the man thinks she is used up enough. Men are still privileged to date younger women. Most older women once they are divorced find difficult to get a partner because men of their own age don't want them. So not much privilege. Men as long as they are attractive, their age won't matter and in fact they can even get much younger women. The pendulum of privilege or the lack thereof swings in both directions. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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33 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Most women will be interested in average guys. If you’re an average guy, your dating prospects are pretty great.

 

So why do most average men get so few matches on tinder for example? ( Some almost close to none)

 

Edited by Tudo

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2 minutes ago, FlyingLotus said:

          The societal transition between stages is not an easy, smooth, win-only journey.  The benefits of green, yellow and beyond are so huge that it’s more worthwhile to focus on that than the downsides of making progress away from blue/orange.  Also, a lot of those downsides can be mitigated using personal growth and taking responsibility for your life.  That’s why people keep emphasizing personal responsibility here.

          The post being discussed is rife with faulty assumptions and victim mindset, many of which have been pointed out by lots of people on this thread, especially @Emerald.  Taking personal responsibility for your situation is an absolute must no matter what your situation.  It’s also easier to do at stage green and above than stage blue or orange.  Another good reason to move away from blue/orange.

 

          I’d rather be single with options in a stage green society than raped and trapped in an abusive marriage, or even a typical shitty marriage, in a stage blue society.   The problem of having too high standards is more effectively addressed through personal development first, rather than government or family intervention, especially at stage green.   

 

          You might find this talk interesting.  It’s by a successful, hard core PUA James Marshall.  He talks about feminism and the transition from blue to orange and why that’s good for men, not bad.  He doesn’t use the language of SD, but addresses a lot of stuff about red pill, black pill and societal change.

 

 

Yeah I don't disagree with what you're saying here.

My point was that OP seemed to be engaging about a real phenomena, and he was getting hostile and dismissive responses without people engaging with what he was talking about.

I'm sure there are woman of this generation who will have envy their predecessors because at least they got a family. 

I watched a few minutes of the video and I liked it, he seems like a good guy

 

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1 minute ago, Tudo said:

So why do most average men get so few matches on tinder for example?

Because they're lower than average. 

Plus you can't decide the whole population of women on the basis of a ghetto app like Tinder. 

Most women on Tinder from what I have heard are scammers and are looking to get someone to scam them out of their money. 

Who in the right mind judge women on the basis of Tinder? 

 


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Even though @Emerald knows what she is talking about most of the time, she is a little biased and out of touch about what average men really have to face when dating.

Edited by Tudo

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4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Because they're lower than average. 

 

NO. They are not.

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@Emerald I was a wingwoman a few times and it worked out well.  Granted my nerdy friends were nerds, not creeps, so I didn't have to worry about them.  Just Microsoft, Nintendo, Google employees who didn't know how to talk to women, and I had plenty of pretty and kind friends for them to get to know.

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5 minutes ago, Tudo said:

NO. They are not.

Then they are probably looking for women in the wrong place. 

Most women don't have a problem with being with an average dude. 

I have dated average men. 

Ask women on the forum if you want.

No woman is desperately hunting for a millionaire. 

 


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The perception of women in some of these threads is ridiculous. 

Stop putting women on a pedestal and then bringing them down. 

Some of these guys act like women are holy goddesses going around crushing men at every corner. 

Women are just like men, as humanly as men. 

We are just like you. If you want a decent relationship, we want a decent relationship too. 

You try to make us look like some mysterious puzzle that needs to be cracked after attending hours of Rsd. 

No. We're no mystery. 

The only reason I would reject a guy is if he doesn't resonate with me. It's that simple. 

You make being with a woman so so extra complicated. 

It's your mind making up theories and assuming things that aren't true in the female perspective. 

Do you even speak to women as much as you read about them? 

Go approach women.. Get friendly. Stop nonsense limiting beliefs that only look for confirmation bias and extension of victimhood. 

Set your mind free and approach rather than complain about female nature. 

The amount of effort you put in remaining in your biases and stuck in philosophy, if you put even 10 % in actually making a woman feel good, you'll definitely land a girlfriend in no time 

We aren't so complicated as we are made out to be. 

 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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1 hour ago, Emerald said:

At least there are older men who aren’t quite as online, who had to actually leave their dungeons to socialize in their teens and twenties.

 Going out and talking to girls is a must but if you do not know what you re doing, nothing will happen.  There is a reason people study this shit, because it creates results. I noticed in myself as soon as i started to make the conversations with people i met more playful and humour focused rather than serious deep focused in general their reactions were better. What comes naturally to me is to be serious, make intellectual conversations and deep stuff, most people do not respond well to that. They respond with a friendzone at the best. Being fun and playful is quite important and a lot of guys need to develop that part of their personality which could be repressed for a lot of different reasons. I had to develop that part of myself and the results were quite shocking. People tend to just like mindless dumb bullshit stuff, especially girls. Just be fun and playful and they will love you. Flirting is also a must and i still suck at it, something which also does not come naturally to some guys at all. You make it as most guys are charming charismatic people when they are not. Talking to girls if you suck at it in itself will not be enough, you have to grow and develop yourself too. Which is done by practice ofc.

 

Edited by Karmadhi

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