Is this love? Love vs passion

[Miguel Oliveira]

Hi all,

I'm on a relationship for almost a year.

I've known this girl since 2017 where back then we had just a sexual relationship. I was on the "casual" sex phase, the phase where I just wanted to fuck as many girls that I could, and even tho I had different feelings for her I never became her boyfriend.

We got apart. She started a relationship with a guy.

Last year she broke up with him and after some time we got together. I was lonely in that phase, without any motivation to pursue girls, I had a lot of self-image issues.

 

However when we started going out, I just couldn't not smile, I felt so good with her, it seemed like I was happy again.

This time, I was more mature, and the feelings that I had for this girl were not the same as all the other girls. I love the way she talks, the way she interacts with me. After some weeks we started to get into a more serious relationship.

 

I had some huge trauma regarding romantic relationships. This trauma was created when I was 16, with a girl that mentally manipulated me in many ways. 

I notice that the wanting to fuck as many girls as I could was coming for this trauma to get into a romantic relationship. As soon as I was more with one girl, so many thoughts and emotions disrupted all the feelings that I've got for the girl. After some time I wouldn't feel anything for that girl.

 

I've entered this relationship knowing that I would get triggered a lot of times, but I still went for it. I had up's where I feel very good with her (usually when we are doing something new) but all the insecurities, fears, doubts keep on coming.

 

At the moment I'm in a phase where I cannot handle all that jealousy, insecurity, doubt, fear thoughts, and emotions related to her. This relationship now feels like a drag. When I'm with her I do not feel that passion. I ask myself "Do you really love her?", I don't feel that. I know that besides all of the negative clouds that I have, I know that I care about her, I love her, but the clouds are too strong and the feelings that I had for her are so difficult to feel at the moment. When we spend more than 1 day together it's start to get worse for me. I start to think about the guys that she had in the past (she told me about all the guys that she talked to and was in the past), I'm always trying to understand that everything that she did related to men was fine and normal for a girl, I'm always rationalizing that, trying to figure out what she did with them and if it was normal (she only had 3 sexual partners, me, one with 17 years old and her ex. However when she was single she talked to more than 20 guys on Instagram, she went on some dates, she make out with a guy just 1 time on a club where it was her that started the kissing, she sent messages to guys that she was attracted to on Instagram).

These stories are always coming up to my mind. I try to rationalize them, understand them to ensure that everything that she did is fine. I feel bad when I think about them because I know that this girl was attracted to other guys besides me and that makes me feel like I'm not the only one (I know that is normal, but it is how I'm feeling). Also, she is very active on Instagram and likes to post photos. She gets a lot of reactions and messages from guys. When I'm insecure I feel that I need to understand why she is posting those pictures, why she likes and follows attractive guys. This is being my day-to-day. I spend too much time on my head trying to understand if she is going to replace me, trying to figure out why she did and why she does some stuff. I know that months and months with this behavior my open, love feelings for her will start to go away because I'm always thinking about the negative, insecure stories that are coming up in my mind.

 

At the moment we ask for a time.

I don't know what to do, I know that deep down I love her, I want her, but even thinking to be with her in person starts to not feel fine to me. I know why I reach this point. I was not present with the thoughts, I've identified with my ego and now I have a lot of negative energy related to this relationship.

I know that if we broke up I will suffer a lot because it was just because of these ego-based thoughts and emotions that I'm on the situation that I'm right now.

 

Can you help me?

It was something that happen to you? How did you get over this?

Any suggestions?

 

Thanks

[Tudo]

Try reading "The Way of The Superior Man"

[Leo Gura]

56 minutes ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

I start to think about the guys that she had in the past (she told me about all the guys that she talked to and was in the past), I'm always trying to understand that everything that she did related to men was fine and normal for a girl, I'm always rationalizing that, trying to figure out what she did with them and if it was normal (she only had 3 sexual partners, me, one with 17 years old and her ex. However when she was single she talked to more than 20 guys on Instagram, she went on some dates, she make out with a guy just 1 time on a club where it was her that started the kissing, she sent messages to guys that she was attracted to on Instagram).

Who gives a fuck what she did?

Stop caring about such petty things. Ground yourself in what's important in life.

You should be so occupied with building your own great life that you don't have time to think about who she Instagrams. Just look at how absurd your situation. People around world are dying of hunger and you are worrying about who some girl Instagrams? Come on. Grow up.

Get control of your mind and focus it on existential matters. Do not allow a silly girl to hijack your mind.

[Miguel Oliveira]

@Leo Gura putting in perspective what a dumbass I'm being..

Thanks for broadening my eyes here.

Regarding this negative aura that I created for the relationship, what do you suggest?

Separate me from the thoughts and feelings (heaviness, negativity when thinking about being with her)? Totally enjoy the present with her? Discard those reactions?

I know that beyond these clouds of negativity the love and caring for her is there and that's what keeps me going.

[SonataAllegro]

7 hours ago, Miguel Oliveira said:

I know that if we broke up I will suffer a lot because it was just because of these ego-based thoughts and emotions that I'm on the situation that I'm right now.

1) how do you know you won't suffer way more if you don't break up?

2) how do you know you can solve your attachment problems while maintaining a relationship? If she understands what you know about ego then maybe she will be compassionate, but if she doesn't, how do plan to tell her what you're going through without causing more strain?

You gotta be real with yourself and say either "I'm too jealous and turmoiled to have a relationship right now" or "I'm going to redirect my attention toward a higher purpose than her and keep her in my life". Those are your 2 options.

[Miguel Oliveira]

@SonataAllegro

2 hours ago, SonataAllegro said:

1) how do you know you won't suffer way more if you don't break up?

I know from experience with the same girl that I will suffer. The last time it happened I needed some months to move on.

 

2 hours ago, SonataAllegro said:

2) how do you know you can solve your attachment problems while maintaining a relationship? If she understands what you know about ego then maybe she will be compassionate, but if she doesn't, how do plan to tell her what you're going through without causing more strain?

Fortunately, I already shared my "knowledge" regarding the ego, thoughts, and emotions.

I offer on her birthday the book Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

She already read some parts more precisely the ones in which relationships are being talked about. She also read a lot about the pain body, which I have a lot.

She is aware that I have these reactions and she tries to help me.

However, I know that if I continue to have these patterns she will start to get full of it.

 

I think the missing part here is the higher purpose and probably is why I'm having these issues. At the moment I don't have a higher purpose, I don't have clear defined goals in my life. 

I want to do good in my work, do good with my girlfriend, keep going to the gym but I don't have any clear higher purpose.

Usually, that higher purpose that I have is related to spirituality and attaining peace but after some time the motivation goes down.

[Tudo]

You are sound like a insecure man to be honest. If she is a feminine woman she will sense that, and this shit isn't going end well to you.

Especially if she is a hot woman with many options.

Edited September 15, 2021 by Tudo

[zazen]

It can help firstly to understand why you feel those negative feelings of repulsion at her past. From a evolutionary biology perspective if she has entertained other men your hind brain kicks into over drive as it won't know if her children will be your children and so your paternity isn't secured. This is why men guard their women and get jealous, it is natural so don't beat yourself up over it. 

Having said that, just awareness of this fact can help to subside those feelings. In todays world we have paternity tests, we can use protection etc. Our jealousy drive is in over drive in the modern world because your girl is being hit on or shown to many men (other prospects) via social media, interacting with many people in big cities etc, this is something all men have to deal with today.

Do NOT make long term decisions over short term feelings. If you let her stay open to other prospects via social media, or she still talks to and about her ex's these are not the best signs she can pair bond and stay loyal to you, she is still hung up on her past lovers and may just be with you as the secure option. She has to show she's loyal and show girlfriend behaviour ie (cut off ex's communication unless you know for fact your way better than them and nothing to fear, stop advertising social media and having a public profile etc). That is unfortunately where we are at today. Don't be negative, realise your the prize, and she has to prove she's worthy of a relation ship with YOU. You have to be her best sexual option and know it before committing, have better experiences, sexual and otherwise than her past so she doesn't even think of the past. 

Edited September 16, 2021 by zazen