Life, the Journey, and all the shit in-between.

[Charlotte]

Stopped posting on my old journal because I wanted to post so much but then I remembered it's a public forum. 

So this one is gonna be less about personal shit but just life, the journey and all the minutia that is involved.

I will be starting the University journey next week so that will be interesting. Currently dealing with a tendon flare up and learning how to power lift. Microdosing regularly, attending further therapy, meditating and as always, wondering "Why?" 
 

Last year got so hectic that I barely had time to come on here, and I hated not being able to, it grinded at the front of my mind regularly. 

My partner moved in, covid started, I started EMDR which was unbelievable, but, to be honest, it was also one of the hardest times of my life thus far. I was doing therapy and studying at such high demand that the EMDR made studying 20X as hard. After much deliberation and stalling and crying (didn't want to 'be' weak, but counterintuitively I knew to surrender to the idea was to be 'strong') I decided to opt for a small course of anti-anxiety medication, which to my surprise, helped tremendously. I continued with the strength training at home during all lockdowns, I showed up every day and made it work. Exercise, especially strength training has been one of my greatest 'anchors' and teachers along this journey. Ego, or mind, however you wanna frame it, is constantly tested and placed within the uncomfortable position during exercise and it truly is phenomenal to observe how the mind creates not only boundaries, but the limitations you 'think' you can do. I recently started at a competitive powerlifting gym, I am being coached 1-1 and he has observed how I tend to 'think' my way through mechanical movements, he told me (most probably due to the injuries I have sustained), he notices I am very analytical when it comes to something as simple as a squat movement. This was somewhat disheartening but I accepted it. I have had to let go (I am self-taught) of the mind and completely hand over trust not only to a stranger but to my body, trust it knows what's best. Feeling the movements instead of thinking them. I am within my early days of learning, I hope to compete, but I have to take it slower than the average person due to tendon issues (which I sustained most probably in my early days of intermittent fasting and a lack of nutritional knowledge).

Anyhow, enough of the rambling. I hope to post some cool things here I discover, cool videos about physical chronic pain (again another great teacher), microdosing journey (week 3 using Golden Teacher), and other random shit such as healing, love, connection, strangers, friends, university etc. 

 

[Charlotte]

https://youtu.be/wLLFho-ea6E

[Charlotte]

Amazing

 

https://youtu.be/5Y6iQz3vuM8

[Charlotte]

Been wondering lately, been contemplating death and regret. I am more afraid of regret than death itself, why? Because I don't know what death really is. I just buried a squirrel in my back garden. I cried, I felt deep sadness, not suffering per se, but more like a 'love' cry. I realised I cry because life is lost, but then I thought, am I crying for the 'form'?, am I crying for the form of this animal?. When as a matter of fact, I don't know what will happen, or where he may go. But I know he will live on through the plants and the earth.

I go through a phase of Nihilism when it comes to death, but it keeps me on my toes ><

[RickyFitts]

Deep contemplations, Charlotte, I love that I especially love what you said here:

1 hour ago, Charlotte said:

But I know he will live on through the plants and the earth.

So beautiful ???

[Charlotte]

@RickyFitts Life is unbelievably beautiful isn't it

[RickyFitts]

@Charlotte It really is ??? Almost feels overwhelming at times, it makes me think of a line out of 'American Beauty':

Quote

Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much; my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude—for every single moment of my stupid, little life. 

I guess the key is to know that we are this beauty, that it's not something that's apart from us  

[Charlotte]

I started University last week and I had a terrible first week, so overwhelmed and 'in over my head', with just the sheer amount of people and noise. I can only stand a limited amount of external auditory and visual stimuli otherwise I start to get a headache and stress. I felt socially hungover every evening and this weekend has been cool to recharge. I wasn't always this way, however, I think the pandemic has a huge role, and the craving to be alone. Funny that maybe some 6 years ago I would have hung around with people at University but now I literally just want to be alone. 

The content is interesting, and I am trying my best not to be a close-minded prick (i.e, quantitative research methods). I realised when we got on to the topic of the scientific method, in my head, I could hear myself echoing Leo, and then I realised that I  was actually shutting down the chance to be open-minded and experiencing the topic for myself. So I went ahead and shunned any 'beliefs' I have about anything I have learnt which has left me open to experience. Although I still look for the opportunity at any given moment to contest the materialistic scientific paradigm. But, I have no actual experience of science, I am looking to refute this paradigm as a student who has been at Uni for 1 week. I feel that is somewhat bold and almost ignorant of me. However, keeping myself sat on the open-minded fence is of most importance, I can see the mind wants the pendulum to swing more so in one direction but recognising this need for certainty and remaining aware is key ? . 

The sheer stress from last week triggered a deep contemplation. I realised, that I rush, and pressure myself, and remain too attentive to make sure I do miss content, I know where I am up to, I am on time, why? Because if I am, late, or miss content then there is a chance of a huge backlog of work (i.e., pressure/stress). So, to avoid this backlog stress I reinforce the first protocol. However, I have realised this is an unhealthy jerk circle. I am fighting fear with fear. So, as of the end of last week, I started CBT with myself and trying to remain more mindful within the 'rushed' or 'pressured' times within the day. This and also questioning why I am not just chilling the fuck out ><, I am going to keep letting go and trusting myself as opposed to the mind gripping and trying to control this experience. 

I also micro-dosed at University, which was an amazing experience as I was walking and I realised everyone is a figment of my imagination ><, furthermore, random social anxiety, pressure and stress were almost gone. Interesting, however, as much as I love mushrooms I don't think they are a good tool to deploy on study days, they ground one so much that concentration and learning is too hard to do. I may try and seek out some LSD as I have never experimented with that before. 

This week upcoming is going to be further tests, sp what I am going to do to try and swing my pendulum in a healthier direction?

• Meditation as much as possible throughout the day.
• Be alone more often, seek solitude and silent areas.
• Continue with CBT where possible.
• Before changing the activity, e.g., walking out the door, stop and set a timer for 2 minutes and consciously breath.
• Keep practising open-minded practices.