somegirl

Mom refuses to acknowledge that she hurts me (and gets mad at me on top of that).

56 posts in this topic

Something I read just now that reminded me of this thread:

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“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself...⁠

Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!⁠

When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”⁠

― Osho⁠

 


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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You mother probably really loves you. I think it's hard for a mother not to love her own child. She just seems afraid and incompetent in certain areas.

You could set boundaries with her and speak to her more firmly (even though it may be scary at first), do it gently, but see how she reacts when you shock her, perhaps try to give her the fear of losing her child and seeing if that's a thing in her (but you could also do it playfully "like saying I don't talk with you anymore" and give a grim but go away and seriously not talk with her until she tries to understand what is going on), by kind of being distant and decisive about what you tolerate and what you don't, show her that you're grown up. 

*It may seem a bit aggressive to trigger any fears in her but when you think about it she is already operating out of fear when she is dismissing your emotions, so some other fear like this one might be more useful for the time being while you get to a better path with her (sometimes its better for it to suck in the meantime while the trajectory is generally better)

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Maybe because dismissing my feelings and saying I overreact to everything will be bad for me in the long run in a sense that I won't trust my own judgements and feelings even when somebody is being truly toxic (in relationships for example).

I must acknowledge though this is a very intelligent mind you have there. Please never give up.

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33 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

You mother probably really loves you. I think it's hard for a mother not to love her own child. She just seems afraid and incompetent in certain areas.

I really hope so. This would give me some kind of comfort, if it is true that she indeed loves me. Because her withdrawing her love for me really makes me feel like she doesn't care.
 

34 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

perhaps try to give her the fear of losing her child and seeing if that's a thing in her

Well it is almost day 10 of us not talking. She seems to get on with her life just fine, ignoring me and not acknowleging my existence. Treating our neighbor's kids better than her own child. It just freaking hurts. If this is love, it is fucking twisted and I wonder how hate looks like if this is love.
 

36 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

I must acknowledge though this is a very intelligent mind you have there. Please never give up.

Thanks. I just became aware how f-ed I am because of her. Nothing else. I don't know how to deal with her and how not to let it affect my future relationships. Because I don't want my future bf to give me silent-treatment and invalidate me and whatnot...


 

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39 minutes ago, somegirl said:

Because her withdrawing her love for me really makes me feel like she doesn't care.

Was love really ever coming from her?

What did you do in the past when you stopped the silent treatment? Did you please her and say you were overreacting? Did you ever talk with her about her toxic behavior (this being not a good way to treat a child) while at the same time not apologizing for you protecting your boundaries?

Edited by Loving Radiance

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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36 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

Was love really ever coming from her?

What did you do in the past when you stopped the silent treatment? Did you please her and say you were overreacting? Did you ever talk with her about her toxic behavior (this being not a good way to treat a child) while at the same time not apologizing for you protecting your boundaries?

Love was coming from her as long as we are not in a fight. Once we get into a fight, or I say something she doesn't like, she withdrawals all love and attention from me. As a 13 year old, yes, I would beg for her attention because I was still freaking dependent on her for basically everything.

Other times, when she sees me really hurt by others, like crying, yes, she would comfort me (after telling me I'm getting sad over nothing). I remember one time when she saw me in excruciating emotional pain, she cried with me too.

We were once talking about how her invalidating my feelings and telling me I get upset over minor things is very destructive towards me and my self-worth because I feel like I am crazy and overreacting for getting upset over some toxic shit someone might do to me. I guess she just doesn't give a fuck when she gets mad and loses all rational thinking. 

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Given everything you said it really does seem like she loves you but withdraws because she doesn't know how to handle it.

Is it affecting you in anyway (physically)?

It seems like she's acting out of her need for significance when she does that, while you're operating from your need for love. Those are polar directions. Perhaps you could try boosting her own self esteem (get her need for significance met) and then tell her how she needs to treat you for things to work out between you.

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@somegirl What would happen when you approach her telling her that the silent treatment is a drain on your relationship and that you want it to be over?

Hm, I see no way out of this because she very likely won't dig into her past to heal her emotional wounds that get expressed in this unconscious behavior.


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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5 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

What would happen when you approach her telling her that the silent treatment is a drain on your relationship and that you want it to be over?

We weren't talking about her silent treatment but about her invalidating and minimizing everything I say and how hurtful it is. I might try to tell her about silent treatment and how I won't tolerate it. I hope she listens and it gets registered into her mind.
 

6 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

Hm, I see no way out of this because she very likely won't dig into her past to heal her emotional wounds that get expressed in this unconscious behavior.

I don't expect her to dig deeper into her childhood. Only miracle should happen.
 

12 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

Is it affecting you in anyway (physically)?

No..

13 minutes ago, Albert Roiterstein said:

It seems like she's acting out of her need for significance when she does that, while you're operating from your need for love. Those are polar directions. Perhaps you could try boosting her own self esteem (get her need for significance met) and then tell her how she needs to treat you for things to work out between you.

You might be very right... That's very interesting. I think she would consider it defeat for her already-fragile-ego if she approaches me first after a fight. I will try to talk to her once I calm down and don't hold negative energy in me.
 

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28 minutes ago, somegirl said:

We weren't talking about her silent treatment but about her invalidating and minimizing everything I say and how hurtful it is. I might try to tell her about silent treatment and how I won't tolerate it. I hope she listens and it gets registered into her mind.
 

I don't expect her to dig deeper into her childhood. Only miracle should happen.
 

No..

You might be very right... That's very interesting. I think she would consider it defeat for her already-fragile-ego if she approaches me first after a fight. I will try to talk to her once I calm down and don't hold negative energy in me.
 

childhood wounds are some of the roughest things to deal with in life.

I feel for you. 

My advice would be to try your best to focus on your own healing as much as possible and plan to move out and set healthy boundaries with her.

 

Trying to change her will likely not work at best and at worst make things even worse. 

 

Then when you have your boundaries and you have healed yourself and filled up your own cup you are in a position to love her and be there for 

her in an unbiased way if thats what she wants.

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2 minutes ago, somegirl said:

We weren't talking about her silent treatment but about her invalidating and minimizing everything I say and how hurtful it is. I might try to tell her about silent treatment and how I won't tolerate it. I hope she listens and it gets registered into her mind.

What Nahm said in this thread comes to mind.

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[mental & emotional equanimity]: if she called you a refrigerator, a doorknob, or a toaster, you’d be perfectly unmoved, unaffected.

  • [When you think she's invalidating your experience, it is not about you because you know it isn't true. The words she speaks is about her image of you that isn't the same as you. The image could be a toaster. Invalidation = her speaking about a toaster.]

 

5 minutes ago, Byun Sean said:

Then when you have your boundaries and you have healed yourself and filled up your own cup you are in a position to love her and be there for 

her in an unbiased way if thats what she wants.

Somegirl also has to want to be there for her. ;)


"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

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51 minutes ago, Loving Radiance said:

Somegirl also has to want to be there for her. ;)

Yes good point.

She doesn't have to have a relationship with her mother. It's totally up to her.

 

We need to give ourselves the freedom, love and acceptance to be anyway we want before we can fully care for someone else.

 

Edited by Byun Sean

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@somegirl

No one can withdrawal love. That’s a bogus belief. No one can actually withdrawal attention either. She just chooses to put it on something else. 

Trying to control someone else’s behaviors vs loving them unconditionally is fruitless. If you believe you can’t be happy unless someone does x, y or z… that is your condition you are voluntarily holding. It’s a mindset of powerlessness, and a veil of your actual power; love, happiness. 

Yesterday I talked with a woman who at age 62 found out through Ancestry.com her mom and dad are not her biological parents, and she has been filled with anger and resentment because her dad (mom died when she was 12) never told her the truth. Her belief was that he didn’t want anyone to know because of his pride. Raised her from day 1. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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You might be very right... That's very interesting. I think she would consider it defeat for her already-fragile-ego if she approaches me first after a fight. I will try to talk to her once I calm down and don't hold negative energy in me.

You might "need" to become a master negotiator to real put things into mastery between you two :) Trust me, negotiations are possible even with the most irrational and mad people like terrorists.

Try getting yourself familiar with Chris Voss and "Never Split The Difference", a guy who really negotiated with terrorists, and also for a cheap price for a car, and with his family to agree on certain things they didn't :)

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11 minutes ago, somegirl said:

@Albert Roiterstein Wow, thanks for recommendation, didn't know about him!

And in regards to the "need for love" and "need for significance", that's Tony Robbins' 6 Human Needs.

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