soos_mite_ah

Psychoanalyzing Myself

87 posts in this topic

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'll be looking forward to that post. Make sure you tag me :) 

Will do

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I'm pretty sure the reason why we don't encounter these kinds of men as much irl is because they aren't the ones who are actually socializing with girls by being in their social circle. I mean if you don't like women, why would you want to hang out with them unless you were trying to get your needs met :ph34r:. And just in general from my personal experience, guys who are usually around other women a lot, especially if their main friend group consist of other women, they are much less likely to spew a lot of the bs threads you see on here because they are actually around women in a neutral setting where they see them as actual people rather than a potential romantic or sexual encounter. 

Good observation, it makes sense. Yeah, I imagine they don't theorize as much and definitely do not generalize. They just see what's in front of them - a human with emotions and needs just like the rest of us lol.

10 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

It just feels like they are plotting and strategizing instead of actually being present in the situation and getting to know the other person. 

I imagine things being this way when someone has absolutely no experience with talking to other gender so much growing up. And then once they do, it's like they're talking to an alien. I think some guys forget that females are also humans like them and they don't get upset out of the blue "because that's how these weird spieces called girls behave" but because of logical reasons lol. 

 

Edited by somegirl

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Healing Your Inner Child 

Lately I've been on TikTok and as usual I have a bunch of posts showing up about healing your inner child. While that isn't anything new, there is a trend that is coming up in the spiritual/trauma healing/ self development side of TikTok that has to do with how part of healing your inner child also includes healing your inner teenager. It's pretty much under the same premise of integration but has a different flavor. 

While I can't really speak on what the experience is like for everyone, I can speak on my own experience that I am having with healing my inner child and healing my inner teenager. For me, healing my inner child mainly comprised of emotionally opening up to myself and others, dismantling a lot of internalized misogyny I had, being gentle with myself, and making sure I'm physically taking care of my needs. A lot of it also has to deal with healing from emotional neglect and unavailability which involved me learning to ask for help and actually letting myself feel my emotions rather than intellectualizing them. 

And even though I had a lot of that taken care of over the last couple of years, I guess there was a part of me that I felt that I didn't get to and I didn't know exactly how to articulate it either. And that's where this TikTok trend comes in. A lot of the people who were making videos with the whole healing your inner teenager were talking about a variety of things ranging from how their inner teenager wants to fight people to how dressing the way their 14 year old self wanted to dress is mentally satisfying. Other common themes involved setting boundaries with yourself, reconnecting with old hobbies and interests, and learning to not only stand up for yourself but stand up for your full potential instead of stagnating.

I decided to take a moment to reflect on a lot of these themes as well as revisit some things that I really resonated with at the time in the form of old playlists.  I also revisited a couple of posts I made in the past where I was reflecting on my teenage years. 

I will admit that initially reflecting on *how to heal my inner teenager* felt really fucking strange considering I was a teenager less than 3 years ago and much of the time from when I turned 20 to now was just the pandemic where I didn't do much other than go insane from living with my parents. So, as a result, there is this huge part of me that realizes that there is only so much healing I can do with my inner teenager since I don't feel like I have sufficient distance from her as far as time goes. 

But nevertheless, there are somethings that I can work on and there are something that I already find myself working on and just makes much more sense right now.  For instance, I remember a lot of times in the first part of 2021 that I would find myself spiraling because I hit such a low point to where I couldn't help but think about how if 16 year old me saw me like this now that she'd fucking lose it. And a lot of my frustrations with FOMO and the way that the pandemic has shaped my experiences and my mindset for the last couple years makes more sense when I look at it through the lens of an unhealed inner teenager. Because a lot of that self deprecating inner dialog does come from a place of my teenage self having all of these hopes and expectations for the future and who I thought I could become and then them simply not coming true because there was no way that I could've had foresight into a fucking pandemic.  And a lot of that self deprecating dialog also comes from a place of feeling like I needed to have my life together and be competent because of late stage capitalism and the school system that my 16 year old self fully bought into because she didn't know what adulthood held and didn't yet begin to look at issues more systemically because of a lack of education. 

I've also had somethings pick at some old wounds that I had as well recently. I tried to reach out to some old friends recently and I remember after trying to reach out that there was this sense of dread that washed over me because I was reminded of old relationship dynamics I was a part of. For the last month or so I found myself revisiting attachment issues that I thought I have handled but turns out I still had some shit left to deal with (will write about this in another post). And some of the emotions I found resurfacing in the process of doing that make a whole lot more sense when I think of it from the point of view of my teenage self wanting social acceptance and not knowing how to deal with the situation at hand rather than thinking of the situation from the current point of view I have now after years in therapy. It's kind of similar to how really petty things probably hurt us a lot when we were kids, like for example you being the last one to get picked during gym class, but in retrospect as an adult it doesn't seem like a big deal but you also have no idea why there is a part of you that gets so emotional thinking of that situation. That's because while adult you has the way to cope with this situation, your inner child is still in pain because back then, that kid didn't know better on how to deal with this situation therefore the situation on some level feels unsolved. Yes, 22 year old soos_mite_ah knows how to deal with that situation now but her inner 16 year old is still in pain because she didn't have the same kinds of tools and insights as she does now. 

Finally, there is this piece of righteous anger that I had as a teenager. While I was a pretty good kid and didn't have issues with rules and boundaries, I did (and still do) have a lot of pent up anger. I remember a couple months when I was looking at my old writing that I was pleasantly surprised on how much of it made sense and wasn't completely cringe. I had perfectly valid reasons to be angry and frustrated and it wouldn't be right to write all of that off as angst and cringe. Like I said before, a common theme in this TikTok trend is on how a lot of people's inner teenager want to fight, get vengeance, and burn everything to the ground. I think for me going forward, this is basically a sign that I need to pay attention to my anger more and validate it more often. 


I'm just here man.....

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On 1/11/2022 at 2:17 PM, soos_mite_ah said:

How This Forum Influences My View on Men

I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. 

I edited my notifications setting and I went from having about 40-60 notifications daily to almost none. I'm not complaining and honestly I think it's for the better but I will say that it feels a little weird to check on this site as I normally do and not see anything happening. It just throws me off a little bit lol. But I do feel my mind being clearer that's for sure. 


I'm just here man.....

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Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? 

I know it's 2022 but I have been reflecting on the type of media that I consume and I was meaning on doing this post for a hot minute, then I forgot about it, and next thing I know the new year rolled around and here we are. 

The reason why I put this with a question mark is because I don't know how else to really describe this type of content other than it mainly just revolves around people living their lives and reflecting on it. Most of these people are those who are in their early to mid 20s just trying to figure out their lives after college including but not limited to things related to work, relationships, moving to new cities, and their general worldviews (also, I just realized I found most of these creators after the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend happened). There definitely that parasocial aspect to this where it feels like I'm their friend sitting there like *omfg same I feel that too and I also think....* and I think it facilitates the dialogs that I have in my head regarding me figuring out my own life.  Just in general, I have noticed that I am growing more by bonding and building relationships with people by talking about what is going on in my life and what's been going on with their life than I am from consuming spiritual and self development content. 

The way that I'm drawn to this type of content reminds me of a TikTok that I saw awhile back. In this video, this woman in her late 20s was talking about how as you get older you don't get attached to pieces of media like your favorite TV show or your favorite band like you used to back when you were in your teen years. A lot of the comments replying to that video was from teenagers just getting sad about how adulthood just steals your joy and makes you boring with no hobbies and interests. The creator then replied back and said that this isn't a bad thing because as you get older, because you will experience more of life, you tend to bond with people with similar world views and life experiences instead of whether or not you like the same kind of music. On top of that, there is the whole thing about how you gain more media literacy as you grow up, you tend to be more aware of parasocial dynamics and don't cling onto them as obsessively, as well understanding your own relation to escapism. And I really felt that shit especially this year because I noticed that most of my relationships now aren't really built on common interests like before rather they have to do with common values and experiences. I also think that this reflects on the media that I find myself drawn to as well.

So, here are some creators from this category that I find myself coming back to frequently: 

I feel like Fauxhad is just really big moods most of the time. I found him back when he had a few hundred followers and lowkey, I love seeing his growth on the platform as well as they way that he too is growing and are confused with life as well during the pandemic and lockdowns. 

I feel like I keep adding Katherout videos onto my journals in addition to my own thoughts and emotions that come up for me while I watch her content. I'm also really here for her oversharing in seattle series she's doing about her experience relocating after being in San Francisco her whole life and how she's figuring out her relationship to work, achievement, and capitalism. And as an overachiever, this feels like me looking into the future by like idk 3-4 years lol. 

I found myself drawn to Lynette Adkin's content because of the way that she ties in things like manifestation and spirituality in a very practical way to facilitate her living her best life and her being critical of the systems that are currently set into place. I would say that it's her videos that I found first under the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend which led me to find a lot of the creators above. 

I found Tarek Ali's channel a couple years ago and I remember watching a few videos here and there. I found myself more attracted to his content lately when he started talking about things related to body image and just navigating your life and relationships after graduating. I feel like I have learned a lot from his content and honestly, a lot of them just feel like little one sided therapy sessions where he just lectures life advice to me and I eat it up and relate it to my own life and realizations. 

Similar to Tarek's content, when I watch Kayln's content, particularly on her Koze channel, I eat is up like one sided therapy sessions with life advice. I feel like she as a bit more of a spirituality mixed into her self development related content which I always appreciate. And as the title says, it's cozy.  

I find myself clicking on a lot of videos with reddit posts despite never being on reddit. Idk I just like seeing random little anecdotes, words of advice, and takes from people all complied in one place. Also, the robotic voice is funny sometimes lol. 


I'm just here man.....

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Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays

I decided to get into more commentary channels and video essays because that's where my interests lie and I often feel more informed after watching these videos. I remember that this time last year I had that whole issue with disconnecting from my identity to where I wasn't replenishing myself by delving into my hobbies and interests because I got so caught up in my spiritual ego and as a result was trying to transcend everything. So the way I decided to cope with that is to rediscover a lot of the things I found interesting and just let myself enjoys shit again. I think this was really important for my relationship with spirituality so that it manifests in a healthier way. Because personally I believe that if you do spirituality in a sustainable way and in a sustainable pace, its' supposed to make you more human rather than have you try to transcend you own humanity. 

I found Alice Cappelles content when this video on critiquing self help popped up. I was really intrigued by her take and then proceeded to binge on her videos because she had interesting point of view as someone who fell down the constant self improvement rabbit hole. 

I really like both amandamaryanna's and shansphere's content and how I basically feel like I leave their videos with more media literacy IQ points than when I first clicked on the video. I find all of the social commentary and critiques really insightful as well and again, I feel like I leave with more IQ points on social awareness after watching their content. 

When I first found Brooey Deschannel's channel, I instantly found myself binging her content. While I'm not super into film and I haven't watch most of the movies and shows she talks about, I do really love the way that she breaks them down and finds things that are incredibly insightful from and intersectional and anticapitalist lens. I especially loved her video on sex work and how it's portrayed

 (also, just in general, it's fair to say that most of the creators I will be talking about in these series of post are leftists lol). 

Then there is Tiffany Ferg and Jordan Theresa with their internet/media analysis. I remember mentioning them in my last media consumption analysis and you know what, they make another appearance here as well. 

Then I have a bunch of leftist content creators who don't post super often but when they do I eat that shit up and I rewatch their videos because I can just feel my EQ points and critical thinking skills shoot up. Truly, makes me feel like I'm in my big brain energy,  Contrapoints', Salari's, and Innuendo Studies's content honestly feels like a treat whenever I find out that they posted something. 

 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

I'm just here man.....

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Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels 

Earlier in 2021 I decided to take a break from self help content and I think it has paid off a lot. I developed a healthier relationship with self help, was able to branch out more in my interests, and not get into this cycle of constantly fixing things about myself. I think it also helped me develop relationships with people because I feel like often times when you get so caught up in self help, there is a part that can sometimes consciously or subconsciously develop that is like *I'm so developed, I'm more developed than most of the people here, it's lonely at the top* or that is like *look at all of the unconscious masses, they are so superficial.* And yes, while it is true that odds are you are more aware than some people and that there are indeed superficial people out there, there are also plenty of people who are interested in growing as people and having good conversations about what is going on in their lives  even if they aren't immersed in self help or spirituality. And sometimes, you need to just give yourself some distance from the self help/ spirituality content and let yourself just be a person. 

A lot of Ana Psychology's content coincides with her research and studies as a psychology doctoral candidate. I really appreciate how she breaks down multiple studies and adds nuance to common presumptions especially in things like dating so there aren't a bunch of hard and fast rules and so that the audience goes out to handle each situation as it's own rather than applying wide sweeping generalizations. 

 

 I feel like I don't have to expand on HealthyGamerGG's content but yeah I really enjoy Dr. K's content. 

I found that Dani Foxx's content was crucial for me to get out of the spiritual ego I built for myself and heal/grow in a more sustainable pace. 

 

As for Actualized.org and Teal Swan, I have to admit that during this year I didn't delve into their content like I usually do. I did this intentionally because I needed to develop a healthier relationship with self development. I think this space helped me realize how the channels were and weren't serving me. I find myself in a gap in the content, especially when it comes to Leo's content, because it's like conceptually and from a self development point of view, I find myself already have integrated (I'm using the term integrated pretty loosely here to mean I have a good grasp on the theory and can apply it to a certain extent) a lot of the things he and Teal Swan talks about and much of it feels repetitive. That's not so say that Leo's content or Teal Swan's is repetitive rather it's to say that a lot of the concepts do overlap on one another and intersect other topics.

But then there is this gap that forms where there is a large chunk of the content that feels repetitive and like I've already integrated it while there is a sizeable chunk of the content that I don't find myself anywhere near ready to integrate. This mainly has to do with Leo but personally, I'm not ready for a lot of the lessons on nonduality and psychedelics and I don't think I'm in a healthy enough place to implement those teachings in a healthy way instead of misinterpreting them. Like I've been saying, it's important to pace yourself on this journey. 


I'm just here man.....

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