Ambitions as an Anticapitalist Go to college, get married, buy a house, raise 2.5 kids, work 40 years in a job to support all the previous items, then have your kids do the same thing, then die. I feel like this is the default life path that the American dream has pushed on us. I find myself pushing against that in many ways. I don't aspire to homeownership. I don't give a shit about having a career. I'm most likely going to be child free.  And even though I feel like I have a good grip on my values and what makes me feel fulfilled, I can't help but question if my desire to go against the grain is a form of aimlessness.  I think the reason why I feel aimless is because growing up my mom always made it seem like I was lazy and had no aspirations. Like a stereotypical Asian parent, she wanted me to go to a top university and become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or something that was super lucrative. She would ask me "so if you don't want to be a doctor, lawyer or engineer, wtf do you want to do?" And when 17-year-old me would push back against this and say *idk I’m 17, I have limited life experience but I do know that I like xyz and I'm sure I can do something with that."  She then would respond by comparing me to my peers and suggesting that I'm aimless for not wanting to be on those paths and not having a 15-year plan in the place of those paths.  When I decided to study business in college, my mom eventually came around to it and that tune adjusted to going into investment banking, accounting / getting a CPA, consulting, or going into sales. And yet again, when I looked at those jobs and was like *that sounds horrendous, I don't want to work 60-80 hour weeks even if I was making six figures out of college because I care about my mental stability and I care about having a life* and I told her that I don't want to get a masters just to get a master’s degree, we basically ended up having the same conversation as earlier.   Going back to the American dream regarding buying a house, having a nuclear family, and pouring all my time and energy in my career, I am hesitant on all those things. I'm not opposed to buying a house because it would be nice to not put money in a landlord's pockets and I would love to live somewhere I can decorate rather than renting a sad grey unit. At the same time, this isn't worth me being house poor and not having financial peace of mind. Because just because I can afford to put a down payment and probably qualify for a mortgage, that doesn't mean that's what is best for me. Sure, I can put a down payment, but can I afford a mortgage comfortably without living paycheck to pay check? Does that also account for insurance, property taxes, interest, and God forbid HOA fees? And even if I was ballin like that, do I want to buy a house that will put me on a 30-year mortgage where I can't freely move around? Keep in mind, I'm in my 20s and my life has a lot of opportunity and variability on how things can go and where I want to "settle down" at so I don't think that getting a mortgage is a good idea for me right at this point in my life. And, I don't give a fuck about living in a house. If anything, having a cute apartment in a walkable environment is a million times more appealing to me if we are talking about property ownership. Nevertheless, I feel like there is such a push to be able to buy a house as soon as you can because it's a pillar of the American dream and as a result, there are a lot of people who are buying houses without thinking this whole thing through regarding if this is a good financial and personal decision for them. For example, there is a couple I know from high school. They started dating after we graduated, and they bought a house together. This happened when we were like 23/24, so this is like a year ago. They aren't married. And idk what is going on in their relationship and I hope to God people grow and change but the guy growing up was a serial cheater. And I see them being super excited about being young homeowners, decorating the place, and while I want to be happy for them, I can't because I see the potential of this being super messy. First, you're young, how the fuck do you know if staying in the Dallas area is what you want to do long term to where you are willing to sign a mortgage? Second, y'all aren't married. If things go south in this relationship (which there is a possibility since the man had a history of being messy and getting passed around), depending on how the property rights are split and who is doing what in this household, this is going to be divorce level messy except there are no legal protections since Y'ALL AREN'T MARRIED. Thirdly, I know the type of family both the people come from, and I know what kind of work they do based on their fields of study along with some light LinkedIn stalking. They aren't making a ton so there is a good chance they are house poor or in debt. So, because of all of this, I feel like there is a good chance that neither of them really thought this through and they were chasing after this milestone. I really hope I'm wrong about all of this as I don't know these people in person in real life right now, but based on what I do know, it seems like a recipe for a mess.  So, I don't think I want to buy a house, firstly just because I can, but also, I am prioritizing my financial peace of mind. But there is a part of me that is like *you're just too lazy to save for a down payment and make career gains to afford all of this. * I feel like I encounter a similar line of logic when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have written about this in the past but as of right now, I'm at a place where I'm just like *sure sometimes I have the desire to have a kid but I can't say that the desire is strong enough to actually justify having kids.* Like there are the sleepless nights, a lack of social support because we glorify the nuclear family, shitty school systems, the gamble of what kind of kid you'll end up with (I can handle a runner or a crier when it comes to toddlers but I'd rather die than deal with a constant screamer), how expensive kids are, and not to mention the poop. And I think these are all valid reasons for not wanting a kid and it's good that I'm being real with myself, but there is a part of me that's like *oh so basically you're too lazy to put up with the challenges of parenthood and you just want an easy and low effort life.* Then there is the whole thing about me not giving a fuck about having a career. And by this, I don't mean that I'm lazy at my job or I aspire not to have a job at all. Even though I'm not in love with my job right now, I show up, I do what I need to do, I do good work and achieve my metrics and sometimes push myself to a reasonable degree without stressing myself out. I have an attitude that even if I don't like my job, I have agreed to this job and as a result, I have made the promise to do what I need to do and put in my 40 hours. It is a part of my general sense of integrity to show up and fulfill my responsibility. I have been promoted earlier this year and I'm on track for another promotion as well. However, in the end of the day, I'm not going to stress myself out of this job and work long hours, I'm not going to take on more than I feel like I'm capable of, I'm not about to sacrifice my personal life and health over this job, and I'm not going to be some kind of corporate pick me to move up the corporate ladder since I'm pretty content with my life and my pay. I have a stable income. I can afford to hang out with my friends and get a meal. I can afford little things to treat myself and the people around me. I can afford to travel here and there. And the biggest thing, I can afford my bills without stressing about them. I don't feel the need to bust my ass for more. I'm happy with what $75k in Dallas, Texas gets me. Yes, I am thankful for my job, and I do care about doing decent work, but I don't give a fuck about having a career and I don't have super grand aspirations for myself. And that sometimes leads me to think *am I just as aimless and lazy as what my mom thinks I am? Am I just not willing to put in the hard work? * despite the fact that I do work hard. I'm just not willing to run myself to the ground.    ------------------------------ The traditional goals of having kids, buying a house, and having a lucrative career isn't really something that I aspire to. That doesn't mean that I don't have goals period, they're just different from the default. I want a different job that gives me a similar degree of work life balance as my current job and gives me a similar amount of money to maintain my current lifestyle, but have it been something that is more interesting to me. Rather than having a nuclear family, I want friends I hang out with on a regular basis, and we live life alongside each other where we do little favors for each other’s life borrowing things, driving each other to the airport, helping each other move, and later, helping with raising families. Like I want to be the kind of friend who helps the mom through the mental difficulties of motherhood and helps with watching the kids so the parents can take a break. That is much more preferable than having an isolated nuclear family. I want a cute apartment in a walkable area than a suburban hellscape where I must rely on my car for everything. Despite having these goals for myself, I can't help but feel like these aren't "real" goals and that they're just overly idealistic. I sometimes feel like I'm not prioritizing the "right" things like the nuclear family and a lucrative career. Let me just vocalize that this voice in my head is saying:  "Do you really think that once people get married and have kids that they'll want anything to do with the single or childfree people in their life? Even if they do, they aren't going to have the time and energy to nurture the connection with you. As for asking for help, they'll ask their family, not you. Chosen family doesn't mean anything when friendship is just to the side of your regular life and not integrated to the day to day. No one is going to put friendship over their spouse and family or their job. People are also busy with work. They don't have time to hang out with you. And even if they do have free weekends, they are exhausted and need a break, not put more responsibilities to hang out. And you know what, maybe you do also need to pour yourself into a career and buy a house because that is an investment so you can retire comfortably. You're stupid for not wanting to buy a house because you're just trying to avoid the discomfort of being house poor, because you don't want a long term commitment, and because you lack the practicality to see the benefits of this decision. The only way you can ensure that you have people in your life is by getting married and having a couple of kids because those people are bound to you and you have at least 18 years of community and kids especially can't just go in and out of your life for the time being. And lets me so real, society places more of an emphasis on romantic relationships over friendships. It's normal for friends to hang out only 3 times a year but your romantic partner to be the main person you talk to on a regular basis. And when you're an adult, you can't talk about the bad things happen in your life with your friends because that's immature and trauma dumping since you only see them a couple times a year. You must deal with everything yourself or alongside a significant other if they have the capacity to help granted, they aren't exhausted with their life.  You're immature for not wanting a house. You're immature for not wanting a kid. And you're immature for not wanting to make gains in your career monetarily. You're immature and idealistic for not wanting to entertain capitalism because that's the only game in town and that's not going to change anytime soon."  I know there is a lot of unpack the section above. And I think a lot of it is symptomatic of late-stage capitalism and the isolation it breeds. This past year has been difficult in terms of nurturing my friendships because everyone has a lot going on in their lives from difficult emotional situations, layoffs, stressful and abusive work environments, and a lack of time to take care of yourself and nurture all your relationships because of work. Like I feel like I must schedule things weeks in advance just to keep in touch with people, much less deepen relationships. I also feel like one of the few people amongst my friends who has a job that pays enough, that does not stress me out to where I want to rot in bed during the weekends, and that doesn't have me working long hours. In a way, I find that because I have so much free time and the room for making plans with people without having to look at a packed schedule weeks in advance, and that this means that I don't have a life. But the thing is, I do have a life. I have a job that makes me work 5 days a week, I do social things here and there, I have hobbies, I work out and take care of myself, and I have a loving relationship. I feel like there is a notion in hustle culture that the busier you are, the more important you are. When your time is scarce and you're packed to the brim, your time is more valuable. And if we were to view my life through this framework my life and my time do seem less important compared to that of my busier friends. Like why do I feel like my life is not eventful just because I'm not overwhelmed by it? Is it wrong that I feel lonely because I have all this time, energy, and love to give my friends, and they don't have time even for themselves? Does the fact that I have time to be lonely instead of running around being so busy that I can't feel my loneliness a symptom of me not working hard enough? Am I a lazy and aimless person because I don't have that dream career that I'm willing to sacrifice all my time for so that I can buy a house and have kids?   I feel like a precursor to this existential crisis is the existential crisis I had back in 2021 / 2022 where I was like *I don't have dream job because I don't dream of labor and I want a soft life.* I remember thinking this to myself in college and the attitude I had towards school. It's similar to the attitude I have with work where I don't give a fuck about a career or working my ass off but I'm still willing to do a good job. I had this attitude towards school where I cared about my grades and I would aim for high B's and low A's because I'm not willing to drive myself insane for getting 4.0 GPA. I chose my degree not only out of the practicalities of the job market but because the classes I took genuinely made me feel more educated and because life around me made more sense. And amidst this existential crisis about not dreaming of labor and just wanting a chill life, I came to the realization that I am an ambitious person, but my ambitions aren't tied to my career advancement. I'm ambitious towards my personal development through therapy, self-education, self-care, and participating in the community. I'm ambitious towards the relationships I have in my life. I'm ambitious in my hobbies. And I'm ambitious about creating a life of contentment where I don't feel like I have to escape from it, whether it be escaping through travel, consumerism, illicit substances or other addictions, or any other form of compulsory distraction.  I think I am still that type of ambitious person except now, the landscape has significantly changed since graduating college. It's so much easier to be sucked into capitalism and centering your life around men and babies because of career stress and the social isolation from your peers. The death of third spaces makes it difficult to meet people in real life and the lack of time, energy, and money people have contribute to difficulties in maintaining relationships. It sometimes feels like a privilege to be and to have good friends. I'm fortunate enough to be able to even think like this because I lucked out and got a job that pays me well and doesn't stress me out. I'm fortunate to still have my ambition manifest in an anti-capitalist way because I have the material conditions to do so.  ------------------------------ I feel the world getting colder and people becoming hyper individualistic. I sometimes feel like people pleaser because I want to be the type of friend who picks people up from airports, who helps out with friends, who helps people move, who gives their neighbor a cup of sugar so they don't have to drive to the grocery store just for sugar, and does things that are slightly inconvenient to help people out and be a part of a community. But I'm not being a people-pleaser for having these desires because I'm not doing this out of a feeling of obligation, because I feel like I'm a bad person if I don't, and because I lack boundaries. I'm have these desires because I have an abundance of time and energy and I want to share that with the people around me and I want to put the social back into socialism. In a hyper individualistic world where many people are in survival mode, being the type of person who is pro-social and has the capacity to go out of their way can look like people-pleasing. In a world where many people have a scarcity of time and energy and as a result hyper-individualism is the norm, having the abundance to pour yourself into things other than work can look irresponsible towards future professional and financial goals and like you're sacrificing yourself by centering other people.  I don't know, maybe I need to get out of the suburbs where the American dream is the default and is more reinforced as what it means to do life right. Maybe I need a change of scenery that can make my life and aspirations feel more realistic. I'm tired of driving around and not seeing people but seeing cars and the isolation I feel from an environment made for machines instead of people and communities. I'm tired of living in a suburban area where home ownership seems like the only logical next step. I'm tired of watching people in jobs they don't like so they can pay for a 30-year mortgage and support their kids, not because there is anything wrong with that but because that's the only thing that I see. I'm tired of seeing the overconsumption of upper middle class suburbanites that have like 30 Stanley cups in different colors to match their outfits, who have gigantic ass trucks that are just mall crawlers, who go to hipstery places that prioritize vibes over food, who spend my gas money on moisturizer from Sephora, and who spend so much on consumerism and trends as a way to have a personality and meaning in life (newsflash: going to target is not a hobby and is actually really sad that some people think it is).  At the same time, I feel like in America, you're stuck trying to pick your flavor of capitalist poison. You get the isolation, and the soulnessness described above in the suburbs. You get shitty living conditions and expensive rent, and everyone is on the constant hustle to keep their heads above water due to greedy landlords in walkable cities since the US has like 5 walkable cities and they're all expensive af. And you get some of the worst poverty and lack of opportunity in rural areas which becomes a breeding ground for right wing lunatics. So, while I feel like I need a change of scenery, I also feel like I might be trading one form of poison for another since the real problem out of all of this is capitalism.  I feel the world getting colder and I don't blame them since blankets and heaters are being stolen by the owning class in late-stage capitalism. And given the recent election, I know things are about to get colder and harder for regular people. People aren't bad, it's the material conditions. It's harder to envision a warmer and newer, better world when people are struggling to get by. I include myself in this. It's easier to lean on antiquated traditions such as the American dream and traditional gender roles as a form of stability and notion of what it means to be living life right because it is less work that thinking about a new way to do life. And doing less work in envisioning a better future isn't a moral failing rather it's a survival mechanism so that you have the energy to do the work get through your current circumstance. Maybe that's why I feel aimless despite the fact that I have ambitions. Maybe my anti-capitalist ambitions feel pointless because it takes away from the work I could be putting in order to thrive in capitalism. Maybe this aimlessness I feel is evidence of the pointlessness of goals that used to make sense under the status quo, but that status quo is crumbling as I speak due to the greed of billionaires that profit off unfair wages, over consumption, overpriced homes, and skyrocketing rent prices,  I guess I am ambitious in an anti-capitalist sense but I look and feel aimless because we live in capitalism and that is the default ideology that dictates the way we view the world, what long term goals we have, and how we should prioritize our time and energy.  I think I have plenty of things to unpack going forward but at the end of the day, I want to put the social back into socialism and live a cozy life with my friends. My five-year plan is to hang out with my friends and tell them I love them.