Esilda

Trauma, my ego

273 posts in this topic

@Marcel You are a treasure :D, I am observing the growth of you both and its blossoming beautifully. I am starting to feel so much more balance within myself. I still have nervousness within my system I am trying to expel through the healing I am going through but I feel so so much more internal than I did before I came to the forum ^_^.

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@Esilda

That´s great to hear.

Once your fully in touch with your emotions you´ll write even more beautiful stuff.

But i feel the same though.

The forum has calmed me down so much, besides the couple moronic trolls that i just block and report lmao 

 


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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So much of life is about learning to learn the lessons of our heart.

Our hearts are already perfect.

It is our minds that get things wrong.

Our hearts must teach our minds and our minds must listen to our hearts to grow them.

This is such a beautiful revelation for me :x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x

I feel... So so many different emotions right now.

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OMG Jordan Peterson actually reminds me of @lxlichael ROFL! :D:P 

Thank you again, so much appreciation for leaving us your journals. 

 

Have listened to this like, sooo many times now by the way. Such a pure heart you have you can't fool any of us, I see straight through you!

 

Edited by Esilda

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It's amazing when I look back on time, when I was a little girl I just had no idea how much of an influence my social environment was having on my emotional development. I lived totally at the reaction of everything around me. I can recall playing with my dolls, dressing them, combing their hair, creating stories between them, just totally inside my own world with no thought for a year from now let alone ten years from now. It was as simple as waking up in the morning, going to my bedroom cupboards and pulling out my playhouse and then beginning to just, PLAY!

I feel like I can feel all those moments again like i've never felt before, it makes me feel so beautiful inside like that i am finally getting in touch with my inner child again. I spent so much time not knowing what I was even hiding from, I would just feel these subtle triggers that would block me from diving deep inside of myself to understand the voice of my heart. 

I now see that little girl again, though no longer in third person. She is vibrant and free inside of me, now we just sit humbly together and I feel her pain with no longer the need to reject her deepest wishes anymore.

Tears. Feels good. 

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So, so beautiful, Esilda...


'When you look outside yourself for something to make you feel complete, you never get to know the fullness of your essential nature.' - Amoda Maa Jeevan

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49 minutes ago, Esilda said:

So much of life is about learning to learn the lessons of our heart.

Our hearts are already perfect.

It is our minds that get things wrong.

Our hearts must teach our minds and our minds must listen to our hearts to grow them.

This is such a beautiful revelation for me :x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x:x

I feel... So so many different emotions right now.

Just so, so beautiful, this is wisdom :x The wisdom of the heart, as I've come to think of it.


'When you look outside yourself for something to make you feel complete, you never get to know the fullness of your essential nature.' - Amoda Maa Jeevan

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@Esilda

Perfect.

You are growing closer to yourself so much right now.

You´ll feel like an entirely new person soon.

Good for you big sister.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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5 hours ago, Esilda said:

Please don't tell me how to think about my emotions.

THIS is a transmutation process.

Sorry I somehow skipped what you have written and hence understood it wrong.

With a false context in mind I wanted to help.

And everybody can express thoughts, so you don’t have to tell me anything either. It is up to you what you make out of what people say.

However, I respect everybodies boundaries. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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8 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

@IAmReallyImportant

I would leave it at mostly that. It's a very personal journal to her, we all need to be very respectful. It says it in the title. 

Yes. I wasnt unrespectful at all. It is respectless to accuse me for this. As I don't know her I also cannot k ow how she reacts. Especially with a false context in mind.

I would be glad if people understand each other instead of being blaming. You can cross peoes boundaries also with telling others how they should behave. This is not universal. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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1 minute ago, lxlichael said:

Advice: Tune into her reactions not your own. This is her journal, she had a very strong reaction to what you said. You need to tune into that, feel it fully. Have empathy for that boundary. Be careful from here on out please. Put yourself in her shoes on her journal rather than your own trying to have your voice heard when she's already made her reactions very clear. 

You can do the same with me. You are biased towards one perspective.

You now tell me what I should do and cross my boundaries. I did not ask for it. Now you do the same. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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5 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

This isn't going to end well. I'm done discussing this with you I'll let her take it from here when she gets back. 

You seem to be ignorant. I can put myself in her shoes. If someone is vulnerable I understand it. However, the person is still responsible for her actions and how it can affect others. I also don’t want to have my boundaries crossed. So I also communicate it. 

Like you act like you know something about me and this gives you the right to judge. And you don’t care about how I feel. This is rightiousness. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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Like I did something bad and now you feel like a teacher who has the responsibility to serve for law and order.

I didn't do anything bad and you are not allowed to tell me anything. I already explained it and apologized even if I don't have to in general for anything I do.

Feeling moral superior or spiritual snobbismus is not only a big issue here but in spirituality in general.. 

Edited by IAmReallyImportant

You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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@IAmReallyImportant

I have placed you on ignore. Politely, do not comment on my journal again. If you comment again I will report you to a moderator. Thank you for the advice here @Marcel:D . 

For heavens sake like the guy even read anything about my experiences with disrespect as if a part of my growth is to be so accommodating to his ass for Christs sake.

In future @lxlichael let me handle these people myself unless I ask for you, although I do appreciate your subtle attempts ^_^. I need to learn to start sticking up for myself, I have spent years of being walked all over and falling into silence when I see mistreatment I simply won’t have it any longer this is one aspect of this forum that I really do not appreciate.

Strong boundaries from now on like you @lxlichael.

In this journal, I want the ultimate respect shown. Please anyone that wishes to comment here read my journal first especially questions. I asked the question of how we can give the right level of  respect to people that have experienced trauma, this has not been shown here.

This forum is filled with just sooooooo many disrespectful people.

Please if you’re going to comment on my journal empathise with my experiences otherwise why are you even reading just to try and then state your self interested opinion! I mean, what the fuck?!?! Are you not reading all about all the difficult emotions I'm trying to process? Is there something I'm not saying here someone? Michael/Marcel am I missing something with my boundaries here am I saying something wrong? This feels like my right, my space, my gut feeling intuition but I appreciate your guidance if you have extra perspectives.

By the way, that second one was an unbelievable improvisation @lxlichael thank youuuuu :):x  it warmed my heart so much when I listened to it, it was seriously so unexpected. I'm just, totally overwhelmed by it actually you captured my experience really well ^_^ .

Edited by Esilda

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3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Just so, so beautiful, this is wisdom :x The wisdom of the heart, as I've come to think of it.

I haven't forgotten you @RickyFitts9_9 thank you so much like I said i always appreciate your lovely comments ^_^^_^xD.

Edited by Esilda

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1 hour ago, Marcel said:

@Esilda

Perfect.

You are growing closer to yourself so much right now.

You´ll feel like an entirely new person soon.

Good for you big sister.

B| That's EXACTLY where I feel I'm going I feel so much more empowered than what I did before! ^_^

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To my youngest brother,

You youthful soldier, you were my protector growing up and also my nuisance. I can remember when you used to protect me against childhood bullies when we lived near the city. But then the next day we'd be having sword fights and you'd take things a little too far! I can remember when you'd help me in the water and play with me but then you'd also take things too far there as well (I felt like you were trying to drown me at one point and you never really saw things from my perspective there). I can see how I have hurt you, I just didn't realise how sensitive you were underneath and I was always trying to take care of my what seemed like over-sensitivities in me. We played so often together and the memories in my mind are rich.  I can remember when you gave me the nickname "muffin", I can remember whenever I fell over you would help me up and put a bandaid on me and then comfort me back to safety when you were only just 6 years old. We both had such a turbulent childhood though that we lost each other many times during our history. I wish we were closer. I just don't know how that's possible anymore though because we're so many worlds apart I wouldn't know what to say to you, how you could forget your role of protector while still having that brotherly vibe, how we could remove all the animosity between us while still having healthy boundaries that fostered a relationship between us. Even though I am smart you were always the smarter one. I miss that about us because you never made me remember it. I miss many things about us. 

Edited by Esilda

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i feel like I'm actually starting to form my own voice, I feel like before I thought I was but I really wasn't, I mean there was just so much dust and I hid some things in my first entry I didn't want to disclose that now I feel comfortable feeling into and talking about freely. i'm still learning how to do this well thank you @Loba:D 

Edited by Esilda

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