Vzdoh

BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

104 posts in this topic

35 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

Question is what exactly I haven't addressed within me that attracts a partner like this? 

???

Honestly, this is a tricky question. I understand what you mean though. I did a lot of work on myself, but attracted many partners with deep rooted trauma. I personally didn't have anything serious happen to me, so it wasn't too difficult to get over my own. But, I believe there was an aspect of myself that had the desire to help/heal others. I wanted to be someone's hero, possibly because in my own personal life I felt like no one was a hero to me. That no one lifted me up and few people helped me emotionally when I needed. Not that people weren't there, but those that would didn't have really any words of wisdom.  Possibly I had some sub-consciousness twisted love narrative that true love stems from how willing you are to truly help someone heal(or them heal you) also get over hardship and by doing so it establishes a solid bond in the process. 

I'll also add that the more I worked on myself the more I saw the value of personal development. Kind of like a "I can't believe so many people don't do this" type of mindset. I wanted to share this "gift" we could all give ourselves by looking inward very deeply and that's possible why I found others with trauma. I can't share the gift if someone already has the gift more or less.

I don't believe it's something in your face for you to work on. Though I can't say, I'm only going by what you are giving me. There is an abstract realm within goodness that can come with consequences even though our intentions seem pure on the surface. Being good for the sake of being good is very important over being good because it feels good to be good. Though the latter isn't something we should reject.

Regardless, to get a bit more spiritual about it. No matter how this continues or ends there is a karmic lesson at play. You will learn something about this which will help to navigate more optimally in life. It could be a lesson you learn about yourself why you attract people who have deep trauma or it could be a lesson why your persistent love for someone actually helps them and why it was and is the right thing to do.

Practical advice is a bit more difficult to give since it's not him we are giving the advice to. Besides "giving space" and all that generic stuff you already know I would say it's important to have faith in yourself, him, and what is meant to be. When the mind accepts that it may not get what it's attempting to accomplish the door of opportunity mysteriously shows itself.

Edited by Nos7algiK

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@Nos7algiK you are projecting here I think. I do not look out for trauma men specifically. It just turns out most people, including men, have trauma. Some realise this and self aware of it and do something to fix it. And others are asleep as Leo says and not even aware they have it. 

Everyone has trauma and specific associated triggers. In relationships I noticed what happenes is how these traumas align? Meaning relationship has a chance when one's trigger is not a place where it is a core fundamental need of another and reverse. 

I am very aware of when I face someone's trauma and I don't have an expectation or desire to fix it for the person or help them against their will. 

My concern and help response is strictly around how to make relationship better and more successful. To save the other person is their own task and I can help and provide guidance, but I can not take that responsibility for another person

I made that mistake with my mom. And now I realised and fully let go even if it means she drives herself into the ground. I can't be responsible for her life. It's been a very painful realisation and hard decision to make. But I accepted it however hard that was. 

So I am not in a relationship to save anyone from themselves. I am simply there to hold the mirror as I should as a partner and let the person see themselves and how they are and then they decide what to do about it. If no action is taken, I will most likely walk away if their triggers/trauma is interfering with health of the relationship AND I am not getting my needs met. 

But in general, I am not delusional about finding someone who has no trauma at all. Such people just don't exist. So I am willing to try to make it work, but if it doesn't, I accept right now already that the best way will be to walk away. 

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4 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

you are projecting here I think.

You sure like to say that to others, don't you? It's not a projection onto you, it's my literal experience to see if you could relate to it or not. It's not for me to say you are that, it's for you to see if you have a common place to it or not. You are attempting to find something in you that you have no idea what it is. I only state possibilities.

 

6 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I do not look out for trauma men specifically.

I never said you did, nor did I say that was what I did either. It would be an easy fix if you were specifically looking for this. Yet, you still attract people like this in your life. So there is something inside of your that is attracting them. Regardless if you wish to accept it or not, there is a sub-conscious desire that is being played out. It may not be anything about healing others for your own benefit, but it IS something or else it wouldn't be happening. This is why healing yourself literally heals the reality within your awareness. There are aspects of ourselves we are not aware of though. Sometimes it's a commonality between most people and because most people have this inside of them it's difficult to see how it's inherently flawed in the terms of the greater good.

 

14 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I am very aware of when I face someone's trauma and I don't have an expectation or desire to fix it for the person or help them against their will. 

If you look inside of yourself and look at the situation. Do you truly believe this person has the capacity to fix themselves? Do you believe they are willing and strong enough to commit to that? I'm not trying to sound cynical, these are sincere questions.

 

17 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

My concern and help response is strictly around how to make relationship better and more successful. To save the other person is their own task and I can help and provide guidance, but I can not take that responsibility for another person

 

The relationship is as successful as you are willing to see it. From everything you said about him he seems like a decent man at heart. Though he may have some sort of sexual trauma and strong work ethic issues. Love and acceptance, without these actually being issues to you that you state may be the inspiration he needs to help heal himself. Bearing witness to unconditional love is quite the motivating factor. I'm not saying this is the case here, but bringing up issues can make others feel guilty like I mentioned before. Instead of trying to better the relationship, accept what it is and it will naturally better itself. If it doesn't, then there is no reason to stay. But, you are always free to handle a situation as you need to. I understand people have their own needs.

 

27 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

I am simply there to hold the mirror as I should as a partner and let the person see themselves and how they are and then they decide what to do about it.

What about yourself though? Is the mirror you are holding perfectly centered? Is it polished crystal clear? If there is a blemish on the mirror is the one gazing into it aware it the mirror that is faulty and they don't mistake the blemish for themselves? I don't disagree we should be mirrors in a relationship. But, it's important that which is reflecting is still like water.

Still water holds no biased on who it reflects.
Still water holds no judgement on what it reflects.
Still water cares not to latch onto what it reflects.
Still water never muddies itself, yet always returns to form when disturbed. 

 

34 minutes ago, Vzdoh said:

But in general, I am not delusional about finding someone who has no trauma at all. Such people just don't exist. So I am willing to try to make it work, but if it doesn't, I accept right now already that the best way will be to walk away. 

It would be very difficult to meet someone that has never been traumatized in their life. But, not too uncommon to meet someone who already has the tools to overcome their own trauma. Just like you have done yourself.

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No one will fulfill your needs. All your needs should already be met with or with out a relationship. 


How is this post just me acting out my ego in the usual ways? Is this post just me venting and justifying my selfishness? Are the things you are posting in alignment with principles of higher consciousness and higher stages of ego development? Are you acting in a mature or immature way? Are you being selfish or selfless in your communication? Are you acting like a monkey or like a God-like being?

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@Vzdoh How do you feel about kids? 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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4 hours ago, Nos7algiK said:

What about yourself though? Is the mirror you are holding perfectly centered? Is it polished crystal clear? If there is a blemish on the mirror is the one gazing into it aware it the mirror that is faulty and they don't mistake the blemish for themselves? I don't disagree we should be mirrors in a relationship. But, it's important that which is reflecting is still like water.

Still water holds no biased on who it reflects.
Still water holds no judgement on what it reflects.
Still water cares not to latch onto what it reflects.
Still water never muddies itself, yet always returns to form when disturbed. 

This is amazing :x


'When you look outside yourself for something to make you feel complete, you never get to know the fullness of your essential nature.' - Amoda Maa Jeevan

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@integral then why to have a relationship with anyone? If one doesn't expect any needs to be met there? 

Let's all stay single all our lives ?

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Jesus Christ guys don't be idiots move on. 

1st world problem right here. 

Who cares about her and her bf. They must've been wonderful couple. 

She is after his money and he is.... rd and that is all. 

She will find other capable guy to fuck her no worries. 

When I think about "helpers" are on same level of "smartness". 

Edited by Zeroguy

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@mandyjw i am not particularly keen on kids at the moment, but I might change my mind later. 

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@Vzdoh 

 I suggest this to everyone having any sort of issue in a relationship, it seems stupid but it's shocking what comes about when you really do it. Make a list of things you can do for your own pleasure. Ideas are listening to old favorite songs you haven't heard in forever, starting something fun and crazy like pole dancing, bellydancing (but doesn't have to be sex or attraction oriented at all), reading an old comic strip you used to love, chocolate, a walk down a strange road just to look at pretty houses, walk on the beach, anything like that. Write down everything that comes to mind, that feels inspiring and then then try your best to do three a day. Once you practice taking care of yourself in this way, it's shocking how our perception of our partners change and so their perception of us does as well. 

If you want him to be open to having kids with you later on, (whether you do want them or not, you probably want the option open) encouraging him to heal the relationship with his son and mother would be the way to his being open with you. Of course since you cannot heal something for someone else, this might mean owning your own desires and being secure in yourself to allow and even want this for him. If that sounds like too much, ignore it for now and just focus on feeling great yourself. 

You want greater pleasure and ease for him, and if you allow and cultivate the same in your own life, not just during sex but all the time, it will reflect and expand into all of your lives. It sounds like an indirect way to solve the problem, but it's not. Everything is about sex, except sex. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@Vzdoh 

 I suggest this to everyone having any sort of issue in a relationship, it seems stupid but it's shocking what comes about when you really do it. Make a list of things you can do for your own pleasure. Ideas are listening to old favorite songs you haven't heard in forever, starting something fun and crazy like pole dancing, bellydancing (but doesn't have to be sex or attraction oriented at all), reading an old comic strip you used to love, chocolate, a walk down a strange road just to look at pretty houses, walk on the beach, anything like that. Write down everything that comes to mind, that feels inspiring and then then try your best to do three a day. Once you practice taking care of yourself in this way, it's shocking how our perception of our partners change and so their perception of us does as well. 

If you want him to be open to having kids with you later on, (whether you do want them or not, you probably want the option open) encouraging him to heal the relationship with his son and mother would be the way to his being open with you. Of course since you cannot heal something for someone else, this might mean owning your own desires and being secure in yourself to allow and even want this for him. If that sounds like too much, ignore it for now and just focus on feeling great yourself. 

You want greater pleasure and ease for him, and if you allow and cultivate the same in your own life, not just during sex but all the time, it will reflect and expand into all of your lives. It sounds like an indirect way to solve the problem, but it's not. Everything is about sex, except sex. 

Actually, interesting bit, he has a great relationship with his mom and his son. Due to pandemic he hasn't seen them for 1.5 years, but most of us stuck in Singapore, didn't due to current limitations for employment pass holders. 

Actually he is in regular contact with all his close relatives - mom, dad, son, sister and her kids. Weekly family calls every Sunday. 

And I feel like he does want more emotional and human connection with me than just sex, especially that in his life sex led to some quite traumatic experiences. 

So he does not come across as emotionally unavailable at all. But does use work to escape his internal struggles I think. 

That's why I see hope in the better outcome overall. 

I do a lot of stuff for my self pleasure, but probably need to do more. Already have the list for the things that put me into the high energy state. Just need to practice them more. 

Thanks for advice! 

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1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

@integral then why to have a relationship with anyone? If one doesn't expect any needs to be met there? 

Let's all stay single all our lives ?

Relationships are transactions, a exchange of goods. Its temporary not to be used as a integral part of ones foundation. No one can give me anything I don’t already have, I am everyone’s friend, father and lover. It’s not mutual lmao

Edited by integral

How is this post just me acting out my ego in the usual ways? Is this post just me venting and justifying my selfishness? Are the things you are posting in alignment with principles of higher consciousness and higher stages of ego development? Are you acting in a mature or immature way? Are you being selfish or selfless in your communication? Are you acting like a monkey or like a God-like being?

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@Vzdoh just some input from experience. Take it for what it's worth.


Just to give you some background about my experience-  I'm 46, and have been with my current wife for 7 years.. our sex is mind blowing (we have sex like 3-4 times a week, sometimes more, and this has been consistent for 7 years.. you do the math).   But, before we got together, I had similar problem to you bf.  I wasn't able to ejaculate from a blow job. I'm not sure of all the underlying reasons for this, but my best guess was that I had this notion that cumming in a womans mouth, or on her face, etc. wasn't 'desirable' for the woman and it seemed somehow very disrespectful to me (don't ask me why I thought this way, I don't know).   In my previous relationships, short term or otherwise, I never really received much oral sex, so it wasn't really a problem.  With my ex wife, the 2 or 3 times she did initiate oral, I would make the shift to vaginal at some point so I could finish, and it was never really brought up.. but my current wife enjoys giving me oral pleasure, and it was making her feel bad that she couldn't bring me to completion orally, and I shared with her why I thought I wasn't able to ejaculate from oral.  

Overcoming this inhibition actually wasn't that difficult.. all it really took, was my wife ensuring me that [me ejaculating from oral] was what she desired (not only because she wanted to please me, but because it was fulfilling for her as well).. she did this with her words, as well as her actions- all it took was being able to finish from oral 1 time, to break me out of my cage.  

So my suggestion.. he needs to feel 100% comfortable with ejaculating.   This means he has to lose his fear of getting your pregnant.  Leo's suggestion of a Vasectomy is a good one to accomplish this, but maybe not practical.   

I'm wondering, does he just have an issue ejaculating inside you, or is it that he doesn't ejaculate ever during sex?  Have you tried bringing him to climax other ways than vaginally?   If you begged him to finish on your body, or anally, do you think he could? 

Also, and this is really just a side thought- does he drink alcohol? Maybe a few drinks would lower his inhibitions.. might be worth trying out.. have a few shots before sex. Not enough to be drunk.. just enough to lower his inhibitions.  If he's 'in his head' too much during sex, this might help. 

And one other thing.. Leo doesn't know what he's talking about because he's young and inexperienced.  Men can and do enjoy sex without completion. I'm living proof.   Do I enjoy orgasms, and typically want one? Absolutely. But I don't always have to finish to enjoy sex, and often times I don't finish (for whatever reasons, there are plenty) but my sexual urges are satisfied no less, and I sleep like a baby. 

Edited by Mason Riggle

"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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1 hour ago, Mason Riggle said:

@Vzdoh just some input from experience. Take it for what it's worth.


Just to give you some background about my experience-  I'm 46, and have been with my current wife for 7 years.. our sex is mind blowing (we have sex like 3-4 times a week, sometimes more, and this has been consistent for 7 years.. you do the math).   But, before we got together, I had similar problem to you bf.  I wasn't able to ejaculate from a blow job. I'm not sure of all the underlying reasons for this, but my best guess was that I had this notion that cumming in a womans mouth, or on her face, etc. wasn't 'desirable' for the woman and it seemed somehow very disrespectful to me (don't ask me why I thought this way, I don't know).   In my previous relationships, short term or otherwise, I never really received much oral sex, so it wasn't really a problem.  With my ex wife, the 2 or 3 times she did initiate oral, I would make the shift to vaginal at some point so I could finish, and it was never really brought up.. but my current wife enjoys giving me oral pleasure, and it was making her feel bad that she couldn't bring me to completion orally, and I shared with her why I thought I wasn't able to ejaculate from oral.  

Overcoming this inhibition actually wasn't that difficult.. all it really took, was my wife ensuring me that [me ejaculating from oral] was what she desired (not only because she wanted to please me, but because it was fulfilling for her as well).. she did this with her words, as well as her actions- all it took was being able to finish from oral 1 time, to break me out of my cage.  

So my suggestion.. he needs to feel 100% comfortable with ejaculating.   This means he has to lose his fear of getting your pregnant.  Leo's suggestion of a Vasectomy is a good one to accomplish this, but maybe not practical.   

I'm wondering, does he just have an issue ejaculating inside you, or is it that he doesn't ejaculate ever during sex?  Have you tried bringing him to climax other ways than vaginally?   If you begged him to finish on your body, or anally, do you think he could? 

Also, and this is really just a side thought- does he drink alcohol? Maybe a few drinks would lower his inhibitions.. might be worth trying out.. have a few shots before sex. Not enough to be drunk.. just enough to lower his inhibitions.  If he's 'in his head' too much during sex, this might help. 

And one other thing.. Leo doesn't know what he's talking about because he's young and inexperienced.  Men can and do enjoy sex without completion. I'm living proof.   Do I enjoy orgasms, and typically want one? Absolutely. But I don't always have to finish to enjoy sex, and often times I don't finish (for whatever reasons, there are plenty) but my sexual urges are satisfied no less, and I sleep like a baby. 

Dear, thank you so much for sharing.

It is very helpful! 

We have just recently tried oral and although he liked it and was hard, he kinda stopped me from getting him to come via oral. He didn't particularly encourage me to do oral for past few months we were dating either. 

He doesn't drink alcohol. At all. And doesn't do any other relaxative stuff to get his mind out of focus. So I will have to work on his body I think to put him into a relaxed state first like a massage perhaps. 

I never seen him come and since we just tried oral, I think the first step I will do is to try to get him to come with oral consistently and let him know that it is safe and I really enjoy pleasing him. 

Whenever he feels more comfy with oral and overall coming. Progress to the next step and try to get him to come vaginally. We use condoms, so it's quite safe. But I think he is still afraid a lot - like condom can slip etc. 

And I will talk to him about vasectomy at least in terms of asking why he didn't do it so far if he is so afraid to get another girl pregnant? Probably will be a good insight too. 

Interesting part - we talked kids, in the beginning of the relationship. Because I am 39 abd he is 50 and I needed to know where he stands on that point because I didn't want to start dating someone who absolutely doesn't want kids anymore. He said he doesn't mind kids. Not specifically that he actively wants one, but that he is OK with having one if it happens. So then maybe it should go into the direction of deepening the connection and him seeing me as someone from whom it is safe to have kids if it happens I guess. That I am not abusive like his ex, grounded, can express my emotions in a healthy manner etc. 

That's my current train of thought. 

 

Thanks a lot for your male perspective ????

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

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2 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

Not specifically that he actively wants [a child] but that he is OK with having one if it happens. So then maybe it should go into the direction of deepening the connection and him seeing me as someone from whom it is safe to have kids if it happens I guess.

Yeah, at 50 I'd be apprehensive about bringing a child into the world.. not so easy to chase kids around and keep up with their constant energy as you get older!  But, if it's something you both are okay with if it happens that's huge (I wouldn't be so sure he's as okay with it as he outwardly expresses).. 

Definitely keep working on getting him relaxed, but you also want to get him in a state of hyper arousal.. tease him all day, send him dirty messages, wear that skimpy lingerie, watch porn.. whatever gets him going... and then deny him a bit... you want him so frustrated he's ready to rip your clothes off and slam fuck you til he explodes...

Good luck!

Edited by Mason Riggle

"I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people."

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23 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@IAmReallyImportant you r projecting and assuming a lot of stuff here. I already commented on the nature of my relationship. I trust him, he is not trying to deceive me, communication is quite good and deep, he is opening up emotionally, I do enjoy sex with him, he makes sure that I am satisfied. 

My concern is about how to help him to lose control and come and enjoy sex more as a result. I never stated I was disappointed or dissatisfied with sex. 

Sounds like low standards if this is enough imo


You can derive it from simple logic

Left means not right

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37 minutes ago, IAmReallyImportant said:

Sounds like low standards if this is enough imo

 

You probably haven't read anything I have written here. 

My highest standard is 10 orgasms per session. Normal for me 2-3 per session. He gives me that. 

I am not going to demand highest standard from someone who has an obvious trauma in sex department and controls his ajaculation so much. 

That's just simply not reasonable at thus point. 

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

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@Vzdoh Introduce him to 'do-nothing meditation'. Deeply relaxing, and easy to get into.

Can look into using the therapy of PSTEC. Check out the following book by PSTEC's founder, https://www.amazon.co.uk/Solve-Almost-Sexual-Problem-Easy/dp/1500475432.


"I wanted only to try to live in accord with my true Self. Why was that so very difficult?" - Herse

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” - Goethe

"There are no bad parts" - Schwartz

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@Zeroguy Incel located xD


"I wanted only to try to live in accord with my true Self. Why was that so very difficult?" - Herse

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” - Goethe

"There are no bad parts" - Schwartz

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