Vzdoh

BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

104 posts in this topic

@Marcel @aurum I was actually thinking about couples therapy, so I can go together with him and the therapist I know is specialising on addictions (he works a lot) and speaks German, so I think she will be perfect for him. 

But I will give him a month or two and then mention it that maybe some external help is a good idea ?

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You can't fix someone else's hang up, if you're hung up on his hang up it will only make it worse. Focus on your own own pleasure, not just during sex. It rubs off. No puns intended. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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6 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It does for guys.

Like as a hard rule? Do they not enjoy sex if they don't cum? 

Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to so now I'm questioning their fine-ness. 


"You Create Magic" 

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4 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Marcel @aurum I was actually thinking about couples therapy, so I can go together with him and the therapist I know is specialising on addictions (he works a lot) and speaks German, so I think she will be perfect for him. 

But I will give him a month or two and then mention it that maybe some external help is a good idea ?

I’m very pro-therapy if you can find a good therapist. Unfortunately some therapists are very unconscious themselves.

I’m surprised you didn’t mention this problem of him not ejaculating in your previous thread. It seems significant.


 

 

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3 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Like as a hard rule? Do they not enjoy sex if they don't cum? 

Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to so now I'm questioning their fine-ness. 

Unless they’ve learned tantric techniques of transmuting sexual energy, I seriously doubt those guys were really so fine with that. Especially if they got close to the point of no return.

If a guy doesn’t cum during sex, it doesn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the part where he is having sex. But that finishing part is also super important. Otherwise, it’s going to just create a feeling of anxiety, incompleteness or even blue balls. Like if someone teased you really, really badly, but then never delivered the goods.


 

 

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10 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Leo Gura for some reason he feels uneasy with oral. He didn't explain much as to why. Probably same thing - afraid to ejaculate. But I will keep trying. 

Never actually met a guy before who wouldn't enjoy oral ???

Obviously this guy has some serious trauma or psychic baggage that he needs to work through.

You're not going to fix that with any simple mechanical method. The only thing that will fix him is something like therapy and a deep commitment from himself to heal his wounds. You're not going to do that for him.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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4 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Like as a hard rule?

Of course

4 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Do they not enjoy sex if they don't cum? 

Of course

Not only is it not enjoyable, it's deeply frustrating and even physically painful.

4 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to so now I'm questioning their fine-ness. 

Of course they lied to you.

If you want a reliable way to piss a man off, get him really hard and then just walk away.


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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You can have an orgasm as a male without ejaculating, but it's hard to achieve and most guys have never even heard about it. I have never pulled it out with a girl, though. And edging is cool, too, but after all this toying one would like to actually cum.

6 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Multiple men I've slept with seemed fine and even didn't want to

It means they probably got turned off by something, a thought, a sound, teeth on D, whatever. You could try to act sexier next time or do it in a more intimate setting with such invidual.

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1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Of course

Of course

Not only is it not enjoyable, it's deeply frustrating and even physically painful.

Of course they lied to you.

If you want a reliable way to piss a man off, get him really hard and then just walk away.

Yeah...this is where I've got to disagree with you Leo. This seems to be stage Orange way of thinking about sex, as in 'it's all about me'. From my experience with the higher consciousness men in my life, cumming is not much of a factor in sex. It's about your partner and her experience. If the man doesn't cum, he could care less, as the experience itself, the connection is the reward. If I get hard, a woman does not owe me anything at any point to do anything about that. Even if we are mid-sex, she does not at any point owe me to continue, and if she chooses to stop, I honor and respect that, because it's not about me, and it's not about getting my rocks off, it's about connecting with your partner in whatever form that takes. 

You seem to have some immature and low-consciousness views on sex, at least in my opinion. Hopefully you're just iterating what stage Orange (or below) men may react like, and not spouting off your own opinions on sex. It may help you also state how higher consciousness people can react in the same scenarios, which can be vastly different.  

P.S, no man I have ever met has said that losing an erection is painful. Maybe when a young teenager can get blueballs, but not as a man in his mid 20s. 

Edited by Sempiternity

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I think working with a good psychoanalyst would be really great for him. Kudos to you for sticking with him. Having the patience to really allow him to work through this stuff is a mark of real maturity. As far as I can tell, it’s a quality that’s rather rare these days. So I just want to encourage that.

As far as recommendations though, psychoanalysis would by far be my top recommendation. You could go to a good trauma therapist like Somatic Experiencing but this seems to more psychic conflict than some ongoing contraction in the body that is manifesting as neurotic symptoms. 

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52 minutes ago, Sempiternity said:

If the man doesn't cum, he could care less

Ahahahahahahaha.....


You are God. You are Truth. You are Love. You are Infinity.

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@Sempiternity It's not about owing anything, but if a girl, a girl herself wants to please a man, it's good for her to know that the cumming part is crucial.

The guys who find sex enjoyable without ever coming are extreme minority I think. I am not talking about some kind of higher satifaction, but only pleasant bodily sensations.

It's good to satisfy all levels in a relation, the more heavenly ones and the earthly ones.

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@Sempiternity bruh sex without jazzing is as if you were eating a tasty sandwitch but you spit it out instead of swallowing. 


🗣️🗯️  personal dev Log Lyfe Journal 🗿🎭 ~ Raw , Emotional, Unfiltered

 

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9 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

@Marcel @aurum I was actually thinking about couples therapy, so I can go together with him and the therapist I know is specialising on addictions (he works a lot) and speaks German, so I think she will be perfect for him. 

But I will give him a month or two and then mention it that maybe some external help is a good idea ?

Ahh ok.

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

I think it is a good idea to slowly approach this topic, good on you.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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Im a guy and i Dont agree What you guys saying about that its so important for the guys pleasure to cum.  Honestly its the worst part for me since It means the fun its about to be over ??‍♂️?

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2 hours ago, Sempiternity said:

Yeah...this is where I've got to disagree with you Leo. This seems to be stage Orange way of thinking about sex, as in 'it's all about me'. From my experience with the higher consciousness men in my life, cumming is not much of a factor in sex. It's about your partner and her experience. If the man doesn't cum, he could care less, as the experience itself, the connection is the reward.  

This.

In regards What you say about lower stage and Consciousness, i Dont think its about that. I think its simply about this guys that are commenting here that they say cumming its essential they just have had too much sex in their lives (remember Leo has said he has approached thousands of Girls) so they just Dont get any proper pleasure just with fucking and they have to get to the climax for them to feel something intense enough. But for normal (not PUAs) i think we Dont give much importance to ejaculating. 

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@Flowerfaeiry This is a tough one, but it kind of is like this.

I still remember a time in which it was hard for me to come from penetration.

The reason for it was fear due to past trauma (performance anxiety). If a guy is truly relaxed and enjoying the sex (and the relaxed part IS what leads to enjoyment) than it is hard to imagine that he would not cum, unless he chooses to, which doesn't really make sense, because why would you choose not to cum? For semen retention? 

The only exception I can think of is when the guy tries to prolong sex to give more pleasure to the woman (or both of you) and then becomes to fatigued at some point due to hard penetration, then you can lose your wood and consequently not cum from penetration in that moment.

Anyway, I don't doubt that these men were enjoying the sex with you, as in they were enjoying having that intimate experience with you, I just think they still would have enjoyed cumming still considerably more than sex without cumming.

Actually, as a man if you penetrate and then don't cum it just kinda hurts in your balls and you feel sort of unalleviated. Though you shouldn't make it a problem if a guy does not cum, because the more he "has to"  cum the less likely it is that he will.

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16 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Vasectomies can be reversed.

 

While true, vasectomies should be thought of as irreversible due to the low success rates of reversion. Although sperm can still be harvested through the scrotum at a fertility clinic, so children are still possible.

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@Vzdoh give him a full body massage. even if you've never done it. take your time to explore his body. encourage him to breath, to feel, to receive, to simply be with what ever happens, and don't make the genitals the main focus and yet explore that as well without it being about ejaculation, that may happen but that's not the point. also, make it clear that he is to receive and so that he is in a position of receiving which in turn will release the pressure's of performance and all that. with this, if he's open to it, get him to explore sounding - sounding oooooh's aaaah's, and sounds in general. you can even do this yourself as you massage him. the vibrations will help to free up that which is stuck and in turn he can be more open, vulnerable, and receptive to his own pleasure. 

then, on another occasion, if he's into it, get him to massage you with the same ideas in mind.

Edited by Johnny Galt

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