Something Funny

Unable to socialize in group settings.

11 posts in this topic

Hi everyone, I have just moved to a new country to study in a university and I live in a dormitory. One of the things that I want to work on this year are my social skills. I can meet new people and can hold a pretty decent conversation one on one or even in a small group, but as soon as the number of people exceeds 4-5 I notice that I am completely unable to engage in a conversation and I just end up sitting silently somewhere in the corner, letting others to speak.

To be honest, one of the reasons is probably the fact that I simply don't enjoy large group settings as an introvert plus I still haven't found people that I am genuinely interested in talking with (people I currently hang out with usually chat about some irrelevant bulshit lol) so I just don't want to bother too much and engage in a something that is so uncomfortable for me.

However, I still recognize the value of developing decent social skills. What can I do about that situation?

P.S. by large group settings I don't mean something like big parties (I have no interest in attending those), but rather something like 8 people chatting casually in the kitchen.

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Posted (edited)

@Something Funny

Don't focus on social standards and expectations, they are going to be focused on extroverted behavior. 

Focus on what you want to achieve, not on a superficial level but on a deeper personal level. 

There's a breakpoint where effort for fulfillment shifts into effort for meeting expectations. 

If you know what your healthy needs and goals are, even as an introvert, it's good to stretch for developmental reasons, which can mean challenging our extroverted boundaries. 

If this stretching is to meet others or external societal needs, then we benefit from redirecting this effort towards something that better align with that which we value. 

This is the path towards authenticity. The confidence and strength to be and do that which allows us to act as we see outselves being when external pressures are removed, and, internal drive emerges. 

Find the format that supports this.

There's no good or bad. There's only beneficial and less beneficial towards your desired outcomes. Then acting is a function. So choose healthy goals and support that which makes your journey healthy. This might still mean feeling uncomfortable and challenged, but it produces something that translates into personal growth. 

Does this make sense? 

The size of groups does not matter. What matters is you being truthful to yourself, your inner self, and to your life journey. 

If you see acting matching your cause, even if unfomfortable, you have the motivation to endure for the sake of self. 

It's basically just making a conscious choice how to invest effort for some greater good. 

Edited by Eph75

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@Eph75

1 hour ago, Eph75 said:

If this stretching is to meet others or external societal needs, then we benefit from redirecting this effort towards something that better align with that which we value. 

Yeah, I guess that's what I have been doing. I just felt that since everyone around me does it, then I should participate too becuase I didn't want to stand out to much and be an outsider.

So, are you saying that it's ok to not engage in such extraverted activities, even if other will think that I am weird, and that I should just embrace my introversion instead of feeling insecure about it?

 

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Posted (edited)

I feel quoting Charles Bukowski is in place xD that's not a common quote on here. 

quote-wherever-the-crowd-goes-run-in-the

He might've been dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive and so on, and this quote might've been sourced come from a cynical point of view (who knows). 

(Also he wrote some helluva amazing poetry, but let's not get side-tracked) 

You have to think for yourself and follow what which you think/feel is intuitively right, and not follow group behavior and accept that as truth. 

That may trigger fears in youself, that's ok, introspect into those fears, and where they come from. Growth to be found. 

1 hour ago, Something Funny said:

So, are you saying that it's ok to not engage in such extraverted activities, even if other will think that I am weird, and that I should just embrace my introversion instead of feeling insecure about it?

What I'm saying is that you have to feel into what is right for you and your life direction / purpose, and support that regardless of what the "crowd" thinks is right. 

That crowd is mainly concerned with fitting in, being socially accepted, regardless of what you as an individual feel is right.

Going against the grains of what is social norm (not to say  socially accepted) for the benefit of what is authentic is challenging, but reaps great rewards.

Focus on this - what is authentic to you, and actively try to dismiss any external influence shifting you elseway. 

Pursue that. 

Be attentive to pursuing introversy as a phenomenon isn't authentic in itself.

Identifying as "introvert" and emotionally attaching to that, will result in closing down toward society and essentially "strangling" yourself.

Drop your labels and turn towards being. 

It's so easy to use introversy as an excuse to move towards 100% isolation. And that happens gradually. Dysfunction ensues, as will increased suffering.

Rather detaching from the concept of introversy, AND extrovercy, and looking for that which allows for existence to flow, for you, is the path forward.

What that looks like, only you can figure out :x

 

Edited by Eph75

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@Eph75 I think that's exactly what I should do, even though, as you have said, it will be more challenging. Your words gave me a lot of confidence, thank you!

Also, your comment about attaching to label is very true, and I sometimes notice myself doing that.

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Posted (edited)

5 hours ago, Something Funny said:

Hi everyone, I have just moved to a new country to study in a university and I live in a dormitory. One of the things that I want to work on this year are my social skills. I can meet new people and can hold a pretty decent conversation one on one or even in a small group, but as soon as the number of people exceeds 4-5 I notice that I am completely unable to engage in a conversation and I just end up sitting silently somewhere in the corner, letting others to speak.

To be honest, one of the reasons is probably the fact that I simply don't enjoy large group settings as an introvert plus I still haven't found people that I am genuinely interested in talking with (people I currently hang out with usually chat about some irrelevant bulshit lol) so I just don't want to bother too much and engage in a something that is so uncomfortable for me.

However, I still recognize the value of developing decent social skills. What can I do about that situation?

P.S. by large group settings I don't mean something like big parties (I have no interest in attending those), but rather something like 8 people chatting casually in the kitchen.

To me, it makes sense.

When one-on-one, or in a small group, there is a pressure to keep up the conversation. This pressure fuels people to perform, and exercise their conversing skills, because nothing is worse than the dreaded silence!

The more people you add, the less of this pressure you feel.

Someone will talk if you don't. The dreaded silence won't happen.

So why talk, unless you enjoy it? There's no downside to being silent anymore.

Only the ones who feel on the same wavelength of their peers will keep talking, because it's completely natural and effortless then.

 

Let's face facts.

This is not about your conversation skills. This is about you finding the people with whom conversation is effortless and never-ending.

Attracting them to you. Lots of them, if you want.

How?

Through the power of self-expression.

Most of your learned conversation skills will have to be thrown out the window, as they are just tricks, a poor substitute for the real thing.

Effortless, never ending conversation. With people who really get you. That's what is possible.

 

First, you have to get to know yourself better. What are your interests? What things can't you shut up about? Do you know those?

If you don't have fiery passions, you have to find them, and all the rest will fall into place. It starts with aligning with your true interests.

Edited by flowboy

Erik Jongbloed - Transformational Coaching  
*
Kill indecision and self-sabotage - Go from reactive to proactive - Become organised, focused and motivated

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@Something Funny

Glad to help :)

Remember, life isn't as serious at it seems at times. Remember to breath and give yourself space to be. 

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Approach groups in public and give them highfives for 90 days

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@Something Funny I advise you to read more about politics, persuasion and influence, and dating.

politics - 48 laws of power, Machiavelli's the Prince

persuasion and influence - Jordan Beflort's videos, How to win Friends and Influence People, Influence

Dating - just do it. 


Movie Scene of the Game: Crisis Core Director Lazard: By the way what is your dream, to become a first, is it? Zack: Nope. It's to become a Hero! Director Lazard: Is it so. Quite a sad dream but a good one nonetheless Zack: (sad)

My Instagram: 조상범 charlie (@charlie887)

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I’m not very good at either unless it’s sexual in nature for some reason.

So I prefer to spend time with friends one on one. Or try to create separation in the group to simulate one on one dynamics.

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