A new chapter has opened

[Marcel]

I think i completed my journal called: Love-Hate Relationship. I feel it served its purpose.

I went to into a lot of detail into my past, gender identity, sexual fantasies and personal fetishes.

I feel that this chapter of my life is to be closed now, my past that it is. 

I still may still talk about sexuality and my feeling on gender roles here and there but it´s not a priority for me now.

 

This journal will contain my current feelings whenever i feel like sharing them and my future plans for my life.

Maybe i´ll also add whatever i did in any current day, or beautiful or depressing things that happened in my life.

[Preety_India]

I just love this documentary. 

 

[Marcel]

The last week has changed my life quite a bit and was full of up and downs.

I had a suicidal episode and meet my soulmate in the same week.

You almost can´t get more up on down then that haha 

So i still feel very conflicted.

There is a lot of love in my heart because of my lovely girlfriend, but at the same time there is still a lot of unresolved pain in my system.

It´s really bittersweet at the moment.

But i can clearly see and feel that everything starts going up hill more and more.

For the first time in a very long time i feel grateful to be alive again.

I truly want to live my life to the fullest again.

Find my life purpose and stick to it.

Marry my girlfriend and starting a family in the future.

I am not entirely sure about starting a family.

I think it would be beautiful, but at the same time i could not handle and it would break my heart if i had a child and it would suffer in any way.

I am not sure whether i would be able to properly equip a little child with everything necessary for it  to life a happy life and fulfilled life.

I have been a suicidal person for a long time and i really would not want my child to go through all of that pain.

Although i know that they would get through it sooner and later, transforming themselves into beautiful and confident humans in the process.

I really don´t know, it is a side with two coins and i have the feeling i could not accept both sides of this story.

I want the beauty without the ugly when it comes to family, but these two aspects are inseparable.

Oh well, i´ll figure it out when the time has come to decide things of that nature.

 

 

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Marcel

[Preety_India]

Seems like a good start after all. 

 

[Marcel]

 

[Preety_India]

Song of my life (apparently there are many). Grateful to the one who composed this song. 

It perfectly describes the state of my heart most of the time. 

 

I'll be back later. Love you. 

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I like the song because it is somewhat calming me down.

But if i listen to music it just has to be full of energy.

Emotional but strong and  or motivational / inspiring songs is the thing im into.

[Marcel]

Like this one. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Time for you to drop the dopamine. 

[Marcel]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Time for you to drop the dopamine. 

Probably, maybe i tried to find some sort of strength and happiness in these songs and really got addicted to dopamine.

Maybe i am really addicted to dopamine.

I´ll just try listening to less songs that are filled with "energy".

Let see if i get any withdrawal symptoms haha

[Zeroguy]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Time for you to drop the dopamine. 

Fair and just you deserve reply and don't cry. 

That troll told you truth about you 2.

[Marcel]

 

My writing process has always been interesting to me.

Most of the time it feels like i am watching somebody else writing the letters on my computer screen.

Its very difficult to describe, my hands almost move automatically and my mind just works on its own.

Sometimes i almost feel like i could fall asleep and still hit the right keys to say what i want to say.

If i fully get into my zone i completely lose track of time and my surroundings.

Somebody could literally smash a window, break in and i would not even notice sometimes it sometimes.

I generally lose myself in my thoughts pretty often, sometimes for hours on end.

14 hours was my "record", but this seriously could turn into a problem if its longer then that.

Sometimes i really fear not being able to come back to the present moment.

Because, in that state i cannot interact with my environment, i don´t know where my mind goes at that time, but it almost feels like it disconnects from my body entirely, goes into another plane, updates its "software" and comes back after taking its sweet time to do so.

 

 

[Marcel]

@Zeroguy

That´s your opinion lmao

Im just gonna block and report you.

have a good day my guy.

[Zeroguy]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Zeroguy

That´s your opinion lmao

Im just gonna block and report you.

have a good day my guy.

I just replied to her. Nobody forced her to write that. Not my problem because weaklings take everything personally. Want dramas etc. Eye for an eye. 

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, Zeroguy said:

Fair and just you deserve reply and don't cry. 

That troll told you truth about you 2.

Can you ever leave me alone. I don't need to talk to you. Please stop mentioning me around the whole forum. 

Stop ruining my mental state with your negativity. Focus on own your life and stop bothering mine. 

I don't wish to talk to at all. So please have some manners and stop provoking me to fights. 

Don't talk to me anymore. Have some shame and leave me alone 

 

I don't need your negative shit in my life. 

I'm not interested in talking to you, do you even get that? 

 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Michael569]

@Zeroguy just drop it. If you don't agree with what somebody writes just stop reading their stuff

[Preety_India]

Mr Supercomputer 

 

I'm so happy. 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

Let’s talk about music.

My taste in music has been going through quite a transformation lately.

I used to love songs that made me feel powerful but now i am starting love songs that make me feel vulnerable.

Being vulnerable feels very satisfying to me.

I think I have always been a very emotional and romantic person at heart, but it only comes to surface right now for the first time in my life. Thank you my Love ?
 

I think my music choices are developing from red and orange to stage green.

Stage Green is the one I feel I am solidly embodying right now, while having little glimpses of yellow here and there.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Marcel said:

Let’s talk about music.

My taste in music has been going through quite a transformation lately.

I used to love songs that made me feel powerful but now i am starting love songs that make me feel vulnerable.

Being vulnerable feels very satisfying to me.

I think I have always been a very emotional and romantic person at heart, but it only comes to surface right now for the first time in my life. Thank you my Love ?
 

I think my music choices are developing from red and orange to stage green.

Stage Green is the one I feel I am solidly embodying right now, while having little glimpses of yellow here and there.

What do you think of this one? 

 

[Preety_India]

There is a German musician whose music I liked. His name is Tim something. 

 

I also like cosmic music.. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by Preety_India