Overcoming Psychic Defiencies and Copium Journal - Just laying everything out

[Milos Uzelac]

*Last Post on this Account*

From Wikipedia:

''Coping means to invest one's own conscious effort, to solve personal and interpersonal problems, in order to try to master, minimize or tolerate stress and conflict. The psychological coping mechanisms are commonly termed coping strategies or coping skills. A coping skill is a behavioral tool which may be used by individuals to offset or overcome adversity, disadvantage, or disability without correcting or eliminating the underlying condition.''

8.24.2021.

I think and feel more now more often, than not, of blowing my brains and head out and losing everything. That’s the thought pattern I am having in my head when typing this. I feel constant pain, suffering, and pressure in my head which translates into some chronic state of fatigue and tiredness of living out and performing the duties I have in my life or living day to day life itself and not wanting to narcosis myself into a drifting and fleeting dreamlike sleep condition where there that pressure, fatigue, tiredness and anxiety and pain isn't present and felt in my head and more broadly life experiencing and being motivated and disciplined to undertake tasks and challenges that are the first stepping stones towards what I see as being my potential purpose and role in this life and existence. I have created a miserable, selfish life for myself in the past couple of months filled with regrets, addictions, suffering, and a deep sense of loss, fatigue, and wasted potential. That’s usually what I feel and think about in a pattern consistently now every single day in the past months and what I repressed and deliberately forgotten about because of all the problems, trauma, and suffering I’ve let accumulated over the last years when I started failing and not passing enough exams on university each year. I don’t what else to write out of the top of my head other than I feel and think that addressing and fixing all these accumulated problems, addictions sufferings, issues, and traumas one by one and one at the time will really push and require effort on my part and on the part of my will to live and make my life more enjoyable and, happy.

This is just a scrape of the cope journal to get and force me to write out my thought and feelings from this point onwards to better understand them and appreciate them and cast light on the repressed, accumulated problems, traumas, issues, and selfishness that is making not only my experience of life miserable, petty, sad, insufferable and numbing but also the expectations of my future experience of life anxiety and fear-filled of causing me even more suffering, misery, humiliation and making my current existence not worth living and resiliently struggling through with the aim to recover my dignity, self-worth, self-confidence, and strength as a human being and his life experiences up until this point and rid myself of the regret obsessed psyche, thought pattern and feelings on what I missed on, wasted on, and spit on as potential and actualizing reality up until this point in my life.

What do I want to do and accomplish in the future remaining years of my life? I want to most abstractedly and, not concretely write something that I feel is important to me and how I view and relate to the world and rest of society and actually pen it as an author so people can read it and get some insights and help for themselves from it. That’s what I feel would be deeply fulfilling for my experience of life and myself and how I would live my life from that point onwards.

Edit: I will probably see to make a new account in order to anonymously be able to express and address these long procrastinated issues and problems head-on, more confidently, honestly, in-detail and without fear and anxiety that someone I know in my real-life surroundings and acquaintance network might find this (and given my account name being my real-life first and last name) use it against me personally or in a social circle or environment or as an excuse to alienate themselves from me. 

That's all. I will see to it to transferring some of my journals from this account bearing my real-life first and last name to that more anonymous online, new account and start writing this journal again there and posting on this forum from that new account, I won't be leaving this forum and space altogether since I see it as important support virtual structure to be able to plow through and overcome all these accumulated problems, suffering and issues that are right in front of me and that I have to face at some point, sooner rather than later. I will DM later someone from the mods to see if this account can be hidden, locked, or banned to prevent people from having access to it or even seeing it if possible. I should and had it in mind a long while ago of doing this but I procrastinated on it out of distraction and forgetfulness and taking personal development of myself and my deteriorating life situation seriously. 

Until posting from my new account I wish everyone here farewell who followed me and interacted with me on this account and see you soon on the next one. I wish you all continued good luck and spirit in your self-actualization and self-realization efforts as a part of Leo's community and on this forum. That's all from me for now. 

 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Milos Uzelac