Growing Awareness, Stoping Insecurities, Unnatural Behaviour.

[AreksMDz]

First post ever on forums, found this, never been a forum guy. Not planning to be super active poster and reader but doing it at first to see how its gona come out.

19 years old, meditation started 12 months ago, but skipped 5-6 months because of not seeing the real reason behing this, now came back and wont try to stop.  I have like really much much much insecurities, also writing this post i am overthinking as fuck, trying to force my best, not letting to flow all natural. Had childhood with psicical abuse, mental abuse, lots of shyness about all, lots of humalization in School and family. That stuff does not happen anymore but that forced me to behave from my thinking mind alot and my awareness for clear reality is realy dead, mostly find myself lost in the moment in some pictures overthinking and so.

Currently working on meditation 20 mins a day and focusing how i see reality throu the day.

Some notes that i wrote this week that is like weekly stuff to write here:

''Like a pussy being people pleaser, cant handle any pressure, can not do what i really want or say''

Basically all insecure about everything, but there is no reason to be so, all in my head.

''Ego - drug high''

Ego is like being on drugs sometimes im saying myself that im valking around like being high because i serve my very selfish needs instead of the natural flow.

''Life with no rules''

If i follow strictly to a rule it comes out that im running away from the opposite, and that creates suffering. Solution could be to be okay with the opposite consequences in every situation, that i am not aware enough now.

''Self protection''

Also the same insecutity part when my mode is basically mostly self protection. Starting to see a lot of glimses of when i turn it out even for a ocuple of seconds and when i became aware that i have turned it off insecurities come back because mostly in past when i turn in natural mode i get shut down by the enviroment.

''Fake paddle on the back''

This is not note from Leo vids but from another guy, but im feeling good because of some shit that i say to myself to run away from opposite stuff like feeling bad.

''Shortcut society''

I was very shortcut thinking guy and my ego still is, I cant see long run and still looking for magic pill that i deep down inside know does not exist.

Thats it for the week.

 

 

[AreksMDz]

So time has passed, more things have been realized, actually i feel rock grounded presence and all days i have a small or bigger realization, last was yesterday being in a bad mood, going out in nature, looking at rocks, taking some in the hand, actually took some of it home, because i can feel how much the rock is grounded in reality and taking it into my hands i can almost suck out the grounding energy, feeling really present all the time and overall nice, just really grounded in energy. The focus for me will be to find a way to make Money buy not in the way traht society provides but actually in easy self employed way. Have to find ways to be crative, want to sign up for Tai Lopez social marketing agency and see how things goes from there, but besides that im online poker player that challanges my emotions a lot but overall somehow over a time i have managed them to work im my favor, but lately because of lots of more consistent meditation i sorta feel out of line, easily get tilted, more worried, but if i would have to be honest that is a deeper level than not reaction at all because all the time that was sort of a reaction too. Ty if anyone readed and if you ahve some real Money making idea that you would wanna share im open minded for enerything. Currently live in Latvia so lets see how things go from here

[AreksMDz]

Well a big hearthbreak so to say was yesterday, when I finally understood that the only person who i grew up with was narcissict and basically demolished all my worldview and fed up from my pain and felt dirty pleasure from that. I feel like I accepted some form of it but there is still big healing needed to be done , finally picutre gets full and im not working anymore so much from a place of being not good enought but coming closer to the other end of the spectrum

[AreksMDz]

Wanna write about my family. I lived and still live with really critisizing grandma that keeps me in mental and emotional prision by poison dropping me all the time, lived with moms brother who is also very emotional abusing , i have to freeze and even then really cant do anything for him. the thing is i am still living with them but want to cut them off now, literally i ignore them now but still the always argue and are very emotionally unhealthy with really narcissist codependent relationships, cinda feel like have the power now to win myself over.