Marcel

Suicidal Thoughts

29 posts in this topic

I am struggling.

I feel quite a lot of emotional pain right now and i am not exactly sure how to deal with and regulate it. I do not have a therapist or anything like that. And i do not have or take any medication.

I have had two failed suicide attempts in the past and how i am feeling right now really freaks me out, because it reminds of these two incidents quite a bit.

I don´t think there is a need to worry about me, this will pass and i´ll be fine again. But i just have to get this off of my chest right now. 

My will to life and the new found love for my female self are stronger than my suicidal thoughts.

But it does take me a lot of energy to circumvent harming myself in any way. Or falling back into bad habits. Like complete isolation. Or cutting of all contact with everybody else in my life, this has happened more often that i´d like to admit.

I made a sacred vow to my guardian spirit to never hurt myself again after my second suicide attempt and i will stick to this promise no matter how difficult it gets.

The only thing i fell i can do right now is trying to be patient, relax and take a deep breath.

Does anybody have any ideas, what else besides meditation could i do to navigate this situation? 

 


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Marcel please hang on and don't lose hope. 

Eventually it gets better. 

Please focus on positive things and surrender to the will of life. 

You'll do fine. Don't give into fear. 

Sending you a million hugs so that you can have a better day. Hugging you tight. 

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Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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Hi Marcel, 

First of all thank you for sharing with us and being open and honest. 

I would start by demanding that you please see a professional therapist and seek some immediate health support. Depending on which country you are there are suicide prevention hotlines with 24/7 availability. there are people out there who can help you !!

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines - if you are out of US

There is no shame in getting guidance from a professional and if necessary getting some medication to help you achieve a sense of calmness and peace while you can work on the underlying problem. 

SUMMARY FOR MENTAL FIRST AID 

  1. If things get to their worst, ring a local suicide prevention line or call an ambulance 
  2. If your mood is manageable make an appointment with your local medical centre and get a designated mental health counsellor with whom you will have regular sessions. If they are not available, get a private mental health counsellor. 

 

 

OTHER THAN THAT 

Maybe there are things in your life you have been ignoring? Soul-draining job? Toxic environment? CHildhood shadow following you wherever you go? Unfulfilled passion and dreams? Underlying health problems? ... For all of these things there are nische specialists who could help. It would be interesting to explore these areas with a life coach - life coaches can be hired across the world. 

But please start by seeking out urgent medical help during your worst times. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

My will to life and the new found love for my female self are stronger than my suicidal thoughts.

Cling to this and elaborate on it. How could you deepen the love for yourself to the point that the love will become many times powerful than the suicidal tendency. You have so much to live for my friend. What you feel is a temporary state and it can be reversed and healed. We have spiritual coaches on this forum, there are. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

I made a sacred vow to my guardian spirit to never hurt myself again after my second suicide attempt and i will stick to this promise no matter how difficult it gets.

Beautiful! Revisit this wow every single day. Make it become your mantra. " I am heading towards a place of love and wellbeing". Stick a photo of something that inspires passion in you on random places around the house. 

 

 

SMALL STEPS TO GET YOU STARTED EACH DAY 

  1. Make your bed in the morning - first achievement of the day
  2. Take a warm shower 
  3. Have breakfast (nice oatmeal will do) and a light coffee might help 
  4. Spend a minute repeating your sacred vow to your guardian spirit 
  5. Put uplifting music on your headphones and go for a 15 minute walk. I like this one
  6. Make a list of 2 things that went well that day at the end of each day 

Good luck & all the best !


“If you find yourself acting to impress others, or avoiding action out of fear of what they might think, you have left the path.” ― Epictetus

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Hey,

yeah the suicidal feelings are crippling. sometimes the only comfort is fantasizing all the ways you could just sleep forever in the moment...

this depends on how stable you are, if you think you could genuinely kill yourself then don't do this but since you made the vow, at this point what works for me is to try to sink as far as possible into the sensation and keep the focus on that and on the thoughts.. i guess that's meditation? lol, i prefer to think of it as strong determination. for me this has been the fastest way out. if you just sink into it it feels like a pain killer itself the moment you go beyond resisting.

you'll make it past it. do you think you'll have a therapist for the potential next time? i just surrendered to the fact i could at any moment fall into a suicidal ideation and it kind of relieves the anticipation or ccatching myself sink into it, before i would see myself spiral down and freakout and go even further but now its like when you see yourself spiraling you just surrender with the spiraling and it seems to be a lot less intense.

 

but yeah tbh if i was suicidal as fuck right now i wouldn't even want to read what i wrote, but i know the best thing would be to talk to someone and just splurge it all out, talk it all out and let someone comfort you because you really need that. everyone deserves help going through this stuff.

feel free to pm me - 1 serious suicide attempt, 3 half assed ones


just be here, if you can do it this moment you can do it the next moment

this is the now, now is all that is real, the truth is now, not your concept or experience, just this

is there suffering in this ? work to be done young jedi. me

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@Michael569

wow thank you for this comprehensive list of things.

About seeking professional help, i made some bad experiences in the past with psychologists, so my perspective on seeking help is quite skewed.

After that bad experience i decided to pull through on my own, and well i am still alive but that really could have gone either way.

I have a strong routine and all that good stuff, workout 3-4 times a week etc. So im not wondering about what i will do at any given time.

I am pretty sure that im struggling with childhood trauma and being transgender at the moment, it feels quite overwhelming and makes me anxious.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@catcat69123

1 suicide attempt out of a mental breakdown and 1 suicide attempt deliberately planned over a couple of weeks for me.

Thanks for your comment.

I am very well aware that i should seek help, this is always in the back of my mind.

Its really hard for me to let go of the thought of wanting to go all the way alone, that is what i have done my entire life, it is a pretty big part of my personality at this point. 


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Preety_India

Thank you very much for these cute pictures.

I did not come so far to end all of this now.

It is quite exhausting, but there is just so much i still want experience and it gives me strength.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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11 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I am pretty sure that im struggling with childhood trauma and being transgender at the moment, it feels quite overwhelming and makes me anxious.

I'm pretty sure @flume will have an awesome tip/resource to help with this. 


“If you find yourself acting to impress others, or avoiding action out of fear of what they might think, you have left the path.” ― Epictetus

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Of course, someone else might never know what works for you as your own emotional guidance system might, so if any advice doesn't resonate I would do what feels best to you in the situation. You said how can I get emotional release. How I like to handle these things is by thinking and doing things that feel good to you, not what you think you might need to do. You can use your thoughts to release resistance, which is a method that resonates a lot with me and just posted about it: 

 

If that sort of thing resonates with you, you might like Abraham Hicks' method of releasing resistance with your thought (see e.g. Astonishing power of emotions - Abraham Hicks with lots of examples on how to do this). If I were in your situation I might do that, thinking thoughts that make you feel better, which will not only release resistance but also focus your mind away from negative thinking. Next do that I would probably just choose whatever feels best to do, maybe taking a walk etc. It seems to me that it is actually really easy to get out of a wacky feeling situation, just direct your thought and action towards what feels better/good. Relax, let go and be gentle with yourself.

 

Edited by Waken

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@Waken

I think i have  actually read one of Abraham Hicks books before.

I just tend to work in extremes, this is a gift and a big problem at the same time.

If i feel good i feel amazing, and if i do not feel good i get depressed and suicidal quite fast as well.

Its very difficult for me to strike a balance. Up and down is nowhere near a enough description for my emotional flow.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Marcel Sound like quite a ride, yes I can imagine that can also be a gift. Hope the storm will blow over soon

Edited by Waken

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How's your relationship to discipline?, good habits? exercise? healthy eating?

And specially, life purpose. You need something to aim at that you can get closer to every day.

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Just now, unborn_chicken said:

How's your relationship to discipline?, good habits? exercise? healthy eating?

And specially, life purpose. You need something to aim at that you can get closer to every day.

Yes @Marcel this is something you need to reflect on. If you have a "why" to be alive for, things become bearable.

Just being practical. 


INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

Cleared out ignore list today. 

..

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3 hours ago, unborn_chicken said:

How's your relationship to discipline?, good habits? exercise? healthy eating?

And specially, life purpose. You need something to aim at that you can get closer to every day.

I´ve got a strong routine that i almost follow automatically by now, workout 3-4 times a week and eat basically just vegetables and fruits 5 times a week, weekend is still a bit of a cheat day(s).

But, life purpose is something i am still trying to figure out, i still kind of drift around with no aim other to get myself back on track with mental health.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Preety_India

Just now, Marcel said:

I´ve got a strong routine that i almost follow automatically by now, workout 3-4 times a week and eat basically just vegetables and fruits 5 times a week, weekend is still a bit of a cheat day(s).

But, life purpose is something i am still trying to figure out, i still kind of drift around with no aim other to get myself back on track with mental health.

I honestly just want to stay alive for the sake of wanting to stay alive, if i could choose only one thing i wanted to experience right now, then, above all else, it would be to fall mad in love with a women and feeling that deep deep intimate connection with her.

I am not even talking about sex, although that of course would be amazing as well, but this does not matter to me as much as the intimate connection does. I just really want to have an emotional bond with somebody. I think this is the most valuable thing you can have in life.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Michael569

I am feeling better today. I suppose this just was a short episode yesterday.

I am still struggling, but i luckily  don´t feel self-harming tendencies anymore, thank god this is over, it made me feel miserable.

The last thing i want is to jeopardize my health or hurt my self again or worse.

I generally and genuinely love myself, but it seems there is dark and twisted version inside of my head as well, that makes me feel pain, whenever it pleases and almost takes over my thoughts and actions, i feel like a completely different person every time this happens.

I am fascinated by this dynamic, but i really must hold myself back from analyzing this to death. I can really lose myself in my thoughts,  this may sound fine but it is really not. I can literally stop and forget to eat and drink or to take care of myself completely.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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Hi,

i struggle(d) with Suicidal Thoughts myself, the only things that actually helps is complete Surrender.

Put on some nice Binaural Beats. Sit down or Lay down in a relaxed manner. Set a timer for around 30m. Focus your Attention/Awareness on the Pain completely. Keep your Mind as silent as possible. Ignore the negative Thoughts that will arise, let them pass through without Judgement. Return to Silence, everytime you realize you drifted off. Just keep the Awareness on the Pain.

If you feel intense Pain, or a near unbearable State, try it. Maybe you get a direct Experience of the Healing Power of Awareness. It is a discomfortable Process, its all about feeling deep into the Pain, the Thoughts that arise are all Bullshit. You can find some Comfort in the Fact that no Thoughts have any Relevance or Significance in this Process. Let them go, as they arise.

If you feel deep enough into the Pain, it can just - Poof! - vanish. Notice that you only have suicidal thoughts, when you feel Pain. Negative Thoughts arise from this Pain, but also feed the Pain. The Dark and Twisted Part of you (Egoic Part of the Mind) generates this Pain on purpose. Its is indeed Dark and Twisted. It is the Cause, Effect and Consequences of your Suffering.

You can heal your Pain permanently, but if you are unaware of whats causing it, it will return.

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@Rough-Tea

I think i did this unintentionally in a couple of instances in the past.

Thank you very much for response, this is super useful!


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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@Marcel

I found out running for 10 minutes, three times a week, really have magical effect on my depression. I'm thinking of running tomorrow cuz right now I also feel very depressed and I was contemplating my suicide

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3 hours ago, Mesopotamian said:

@Marcel

I found out running for 10 minutes, three times a week, really have magical effect on my depression. I'm thinking of running tomorrow cuz right now I also feel very depressed and I was contemplating my suicide

I am walking for half an hour every morning after I wake up nowadays.

You’re right, it does help a lot.


I love you infinitely. I will find you forever in every life time because you and me are one. You and me eternally breathing life and bluming 

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