Marcel

A question for the ladies

27 posts in this topic

Lets say you are dating a guy and you consider having sex with him at some point. How would you feel and or react when you find out that he is still a virgin?

Does this influence your decision in any way, or is it a non issue?

I am asking this question because i am one of those guys. I am 22 year old male, never been in a relationship and never slept with anyone.

I just would love to know what the female perspective on this situation is, because maybe i am just making this a bigger issue than it actually is.

I sometimes catch myself really worrying about this while talking to a women i would love to date for example. So my demeanor can go from confident to insecure back to confident etc. in the same conversation within a short period of time multiple times, which can really mess up the mode or any chances to even get that persons number from time to time.

So am i just sabotaging myself, or is this an actual issue for women?

 

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@Marcel I wouldn't worry at all. I never judged someone for their sexual decisions especially their past.. 

I guess it would be utterly shallow and stupid of me to judge a guy for his virginity. I can't even imagine that. 

As long as the guy emotionally connects with me and aligns with my heart, nothing else would matter.. 


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Some girls care about it, some do not. Best thing is to act like you know your shit and not bring it up at all. There is no reason for her to know if you are a virgin or not. At 22 most guys have had sex so i doubt she will ask, if she does deflect it with some funny comeback.

Or you can be honest but own it, do not be like ohhh pooorr meeeeeee. 

I do not reccomend lying but you can do a white lie like "i got laid once in a bar but i was super drunk and barely remember anything", and make up a funny cool story about it. 

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@Karmadhi

 

34 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

 

Or you can be honest but own it, do not be like ohhh pooorr meeeeeee. 

I do not reccomend lying but you can do a white lie like "i got laid once in a bar but i was super drunk and barely remember anything", and make up a funny cool story about it. 

I certainly should in no circumstances fall on my knees and beg for it lmao.

I´ll stay honest about this topic, if it shows up that is. If not then it does not really matter i guess.

I think authenticity and honesty is everything, at least i want to believe that.

 

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I guess it would depend on the reason he is. If he’s saving himself for marriage or something like that, I could understand not wanting to continue the relationship if you didn’t also believe in that.

Personally if I want to date the guy, then it’s not a problem. If I was just wanting a hookup for the night than a virgin would be a no go. 
 

Some girls get off on taking virginity’s. So who knows haha

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Posted (edited)

@Marcel Sure, just own it. Say it with confidence and frame it in a way like it is not a big deal at all. Trust me framing is EVERYTHING. You can legit say the same thing and look like a boss or like a loser just by the way you frame it.

It is scary honestly.

Edited by Karmadhi

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3 hours ago, KennedyCarter said:

I guess it would depend on the reason he is. If he’s saving himself for marriage or something like that, I could understand not wanting to continue the relationship if you didn’t also believe in that.

Personally if I want to date the guy, then it’s not a problem. If I was just wanting a hookup for the night than a virgin would be a no go. 

Some girls get off on taking virginity’s. So who knows haha

.@KennedyCarter

 I am not exactly trying to save myself for marriage, but i only would want to have sex with somebody that i am in a committed long term relationship with. I just need to have an emotional bond with a women in order to even want to sleep with her. And since i never felt a bond like that with anyone, i naturally just did not get into any relationships or hook ups. Casual Sex is absolutely not my thing.

Also, yeah i guess there might be some girls that might find that to be arousing.

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@Karmadhi

2 hours ago, Karmadhi said:

@Marcel Sure, just own it. Say it with confidence and frame it in a way like it is not a big deal at all. Trust me framing is EVERYTHING. You can legit say the same thing and look like a boss or like a loser just by the way you frame it.

It is scary honestly.

That makes a lot of sense. If i was totally insecure about this topic it would probably be a complete turn off in any case.

And i am completely fine with the way it currently is, this did not happen by accident as i mentioned in another comment above.

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If I think back on when I was that age, I'd definitely note the lack of experience if I started becoming interested in a virgin guy at 22. But it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker. I'd probably ask him why though. 

If it were a religious thing, then I'd be thinking incompatibility because those aren't my values.

If it weren't I would guess that it was shyness or a lack of confidence, which has never been an outright dealbreaker for me... unless it spills into other negative behavior patterns like victim's mentality. But by itself if a guy was just a bit shy that way, it wouldn't kill it for me. 

 


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@Emerald

52 minutes ago, Marcel said:

.@KennedyCarter

 I am not exactly trying to save myself for marriage, but i only would want to have sex with somebody that i am in a committed long term relationship with. I just need to have an emotional bond with a women in order to even want to sleep with her. And since i never felt a bond like that with anyone, i naturally just did not get into any relationships or hook ups. Casual Sex is absolutely not my thing.

I certainly lack experience, i haven´t dated anyone in my entire life up until now, but i had my reasons for doing so in the past.

Victim Mentality is also a huge deal breaker for me. 

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12 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Emerald

I certainly lack experience, i haven´t dated anyone in my entire life up until now, but i had my reasons for doing so in the past.

Victim Mentality is also a huge deal breaker for me. 

That makes sense. That wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for me. And I certainly would respect that decision. 

That said, I would question compatibility because I was always one to want to express my affections sexually. And the feelings necessary for that came easily to me. So, I would just make note to watch out for if it might create compatibility issues.

 


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2 minutes ago, Emerald said:

That makes sense. That wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for me. And I certainly would respect that decision. 

That said, I would question compatibility because I was always one to want to express my affections sexually. And the feelings necessary for that came easily to me. So, I would just make note to watch out for if it might create compatibility issues.

 

I am aware that compatibility is a huge thing. I for myself am pretty emotional, i have trouble showing my emotions but i am super open about all of my feelings and can pour my heart out without any concern whenever i want to. Which could be a bit much for someone that generally is more repressed in this regard for example.

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Posted (edited)

I wouldn't care and honestly it isn't super weird especially given your reason. I know plenty of people who wanted to wait for a variety of reasons and they weren't the typical "I'm shy/unconfident" or "I'm religious". Other reasons can include focusing on other areas of your life other than dating (ie school, dealing with money issues in the family, mental health, etc.), not really clicking with anyone, not caring about hook up culture, growing up in a small town where they don't like anyone, lack of access to birth control, health issues, or just being plain unlucky etc.

I feel like especially for things related to dating milestones (first kiss, first relationship, losing virginity), it's best to not put a time frame of "normal" because things play out differently for everyone and it just happens when it happens. Putting all these reasons there can sometimes cause a sense of internalization which can lead to victim mentality. So what if you are a virgin at 22. You aren't weird and there is nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. 

There isn't anything wrong with it but I will warn you that there are some people who are just assholes about it. Maybe as a guy you won't encounter it as much (i mean, I'm just talking from my experience) but avoid people who fetishize your lack of experience and hype it up to much as "innocence/purity" and avoid those who try to make you feel inadequate for waiting (the last one I want to emphasize more because even outside of romantic situations, you're friends shouldn't be making you feel bad about this type of thing either). Those people aren't usually the types of people you really want to get involved with it.  Because at the end of the day, if you're making the best decision for you and your needs, you're fine. 

Edited by soos_mite_ah

Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

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13 hours ago, Marcel said:

Lets say you are dating a guy and you consider having sex with him at some point. How would you feel and or react when you find out that he is still a virgin?

I had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years in high school and 2 months after the first time we had sex he told me he had been a virgin prior, although he lied and said he wasn't. I didn't notice and wouldn't have even known if he hadn't told me.

So, I doubt it would've even mattered, but he was uncomfortable telling me until it actually was a non-issue.?‍♀️

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15 hours ago, Marcel said:

So am i just sabotaging myself, or is this an actual issue for women?

Yes you are. This is the kind of thing you convince yourself not to worry about. It's not an issue for women. Most women are quite emotionally mature, respectful, and sensitive to this sort of thing. If she's a bitch about it, well you probably don't want to be with her anyways.

If the conversation comes up somehow and she asks you why. You simply say, "Hey there is a first time for everything!" > And then you fuck the brains out of her skull.

I'd actually highly recommend you tell your first you're a virgin. There is an overwhelming likelihood she will appreciate that you trust her enough to open up and be vulnerable about that, and if she's REALLY cool she'll actually show you how to fuck her well and do a good job.

That is SO much better then not saying anything, and then possibly having awkward sex. Leaving her to either wonder if you are a virgin or not, or to ask you for an answer and start thinking you're either insecure for not sharing, or that you just want to have sex but not open up emotionally.

 


"Never held a high regard for Darwin, selection takes too long.
A little kick in the pool shouldn't do us wrong.
Devouring the very last invention man would ever need.
But exponential growth is a frightening thing, indeed.
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5 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

I wouldn't care and honestly it isn't super weird especially given your reason. I know plenty of people who wanted to wait for a variety of reasons and they weren't the typical "I'm shy/unconfident" or "I'm religious". Other reasons can include focusing on other areas of your life other than dating (ie school, dealing with money issues in the family, mental health, etc.), not really clicking with anyone, not caring about hook up culture, growing up in a small town where they don't like anyone, lack of access to birth control, health issues, or just being plain unlucky etc.

I feel like especially for things related to dating milestones (first kiss, first relationship, losing virginity), it's best to not put a time frame of "normal" because things play out differently for everyone and it just happens when it happens. Putting all these reasons there can sometimes cause a sense of internalization which can lead to victim mentality. So what if you are a virgin at 22. You aren't weird and there is nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. 

There isn't anything wrong with it but I will warn you that there are some people who are just assholes about it. Maybe as a guy you won't encounter it as much (i mean, I'm just talking from my experience) but avoid people who fetishize your lack of experience and hype it up to much as "innocence/purity" and avoid those who try to make you feel inadequate for waiting (the last one I want to emphasize more because even outside of romantic situations, you're friends shouldn't be making you feel bad about this type of thing either). Those people aren't usually the types of people you really want to get involved with it.  Because at the end of the day, if you're making the best decision for you and your needs, you're fine. 

I really needed to hear that, thank you very much.

And yes you are absolutely right, i did not develop a bond with anyone and most importantly i really needed to handle my mental health in the last 2-3 years. And now i really need to take care of my money situation, getting a job and starting a business etc.

I am not in a rush to be in a relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship.

I had two failed suicide attempts in the past ( at age 18 and at age 20 ), and there is no way i would have been ready to be in a committed relationship back then. 

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5 hours ago, Ananta said:

I had a boyfriend for 2 1/2 years in high school and 2 months after the first time we had sex he told me he had been a virgin prior, although he lied and said he wasn't. I didn't notice and wouldn't have even known if he hadn't told me.

So, I doubt it would've even mattered, but he was uncomfortable telling me until it actually was a non-issue.?‍♀️

@Ananta I had the feeling that this is a non-issue, thank you very much for clearing it up.

Im not gonna lie i felt somewhat embarrassed making this post in the first place.

Being a virgin as a guy can sometimes feel emasculating to say the least.

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3 hours ago, Roy said:

Yes you are. This is the kind of thing you convince yourself not to worry about. It's not an issue for women. Most women are quite emotionally mature, respectful, and sensitive to this sort of thing. If she's a bitch about it, well you probably don't want to be with her anyways.

If the conversation comes up somehow and she asks you why. You simply say, "Hey there is a first time for everything!" > And then you fuck the brains out of her skull.

I'd actually highly recommend you tell your first you're a virgin. There is an overwhelming likelihood she will appreciate that you trust her enough to open up and be vulnerable about that, and if she's REALLY cool she'll actually show you how to fuck her well and do a good job.

That is SO much better then not saying anything, and then possibly having awkward sex. Leaving her to either wonder if you are a virgin or not, or to ask you for an answer and start thinking you're either insecure for not sharing, or that you just want to have sex but not open up emotionally.

I totally agree. 

Luckily vulnerability and openness is my bread and butter, so i may feel a little embarrassed admitting it, but i will definitely do it.

The last thing i want is getting into a really awkward situation like the one you described.

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15 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I totally agree. 

Luckily vulnerability and openness is my bread and butter, so i may feel a little embarrassed admitting it, but i will definitely do it.

The last thing i want is getting into a really awkward situation like the one you described.

Only thing I forgot to add is only bring it up when you're both naked and have kissed/done foreplay.

That's the most strategic time. If you bring it up earlier while dating and you haven't really got intimate yet, chances are higher they'll be judgmental.


"Never held a high regard for Darwin, selection takes too long.
A little kick in the pool shouldn't do us wrong.
Devouring the very last invention man would ever need.
But exponential growth is a frightening thing, indeed.
"

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