Guilt projection

[Identity]

As I am digging into my fears and insecurities around sexuality and relationship, this interesting insight came to me that I want to share.

This excerpt from the book Letting Go by David R. Hawkings gave the insight:

"The real cause of "stress" is actually internal; it is not external, as people would like to believe. The readiness to react with fear, for instance, depends on how much fear is already present within to be triggered by a stimulus. The more fear we have on the inside, the more our perception of the world will be changed to fearful, guarded expectancy. To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place. To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation. To the guilty person, it is a world of temptation and sin, which they see everywhere. What we are holding inside colours our world."

When I go out into the world with my girlfriend, I am fearful and anxious. Especially when she is radiating her feminine beauty in a party situation. What I see, is other men as potential preditors that can capture my girlfriend. I am in fear and feel the need to be defensive and control.

In reality, it is not the external world that is causing this. It is really my own guilt that I am projecting.

During my pick-up fase, I was an unconscious preditor. I did not care about the girls and their potential boyfriends. In one instance, I actually kissed a girl in front of her boyfriend.

Now I am carrying that guilt and am projecting it onto the world. Funny how karma works.

Now I am ready to let go and forgive myself.

Anyone that can relate?

[flowboy]

What an insight! Congratulations.

This is a great example of how karma works. It's often not that what you do, somehow causes others to do it to you. Sometimes that's what it comes to, but more often, the fear of someone doing the same to you is the actual "punishment".

 

I've experienced a similar difficulty to be relaxed about my girlfriend visiting an ex. When we inquired, it turned out that it was not that I did not trust her, but rather the cause of my discomfort was my own ideations of being able to "trick" any woman into sleeping with me, if I applied the right tricks. Some of the more undeveloped pickup artists like Mystery teach that this is possible, and my young needy self latched onto that, to compensate for the deep sense of lack, missed opportunities with women, and unfairness. "Right now, I can't get what I want, but later, I will learn these tricks and get any girl I want, single or not", I would think. I needed to believe that that was possible, because I had felt so beaten down by my experiences and unsuccessful attempts, that it was the ultimate nerd revenge to envision this ultimate dominance.

Also, in the past I've viewed girls I slept with as "resources", easy to get into bed again if I felt needy, and didn't feel confident enough to find someone new. I don't have to stress that this is a terrible strategy that doesn't work on healthy women, and also a waste of energy that can be spent finding and being with someone I actually like.

 

Point being, this belief that I could always manipulate someone into sex, was not true, but I used it to feel better in dark times. And it came back to bite me indeed, when at a party with my girlfriend, or when my girlfriend wants to visit an ex.

Dating a girl who had shown me that she could be manipulated into sex, against the agreements of our relationship, just anchored that belief as truth. Even though the conclusion should have been that this was just not the right one, and finding someone you can trust _is_ possible. 

What helped me, was to practice monogamy and learn that I can actually trust myself around exes and available girls. Discovering what it's like to value a relationship more than an opportunistic experience.

As within, so without. Me being able to stay true in the face of temptation, made me able to believe that it can exist again.

[RickyFitts]

2 hours ago, flowboy said:

Also, in the past I've viewed girls I slept with as "resources", easy to get into bed again if I felt needy, and didn't feel confident enough to find someone new. I don't have to stress that this is a terrible strategy that doesn't work on healthy women, and also a waste of energy that can be spent finding and being with someone I actually like.

It's also morally unjustifiable.

Edited August 14, 2021 by RickyFitts
Quoted the wrong part of flowboy's post