Love - Hate Relationship

[Marcel]

This is my attempt to reconcile some things that happened in the past, im not really sure how big this thread will become on my part, family dynamics,  schooling, loneliness, bullying,  i am not entirely sure in what direction i will go in, maybe i can connect them all together in a holistic fashion.

Thank you Esilda for inspiring me to do this.

I will post here whenever i feel like it, i do not like to think back and confront all of this, so i´ll try to do it with gratitude and appreciation from my past experiences, instead of giving them some inherently dualistic negative connotation.
The way i write may seem overly rational or cold at times, im not really good at infusing emotions into things i write yet , so please bear with me for the moment, im sure i will get better at it over time.

So lets start. Hi i am Marcel, i am a 22 year old male, i grew up and still live in germany. 

Today i want to guide you through a typical day of my 15 year old me.

The day starts at 3 am in the morning, as per usual my mom woke me up in the middle of the night, by shaking my shoulder and greats me with a friendly " I will kill myself today" and leaves the room. For clarification, that was one of her worst phases by far and lasted for about half a year, it somewhat went uphill after that, but there still were many valleys. 

I finally get out of bed at 7 am, after wrecking my mind for the past 4 hours thinking, "How am i going to get through this day"? . I put my clothes on, brushed my teeth, packed my backpack and slowly prepared myself to leave the house. I went downstairs, ,my mom is drinking coffee in the living room, i can tell she truly lost herself again while staring into the half empty cup. Before i leave, i give her her medication, something i despised doing, do yourself a favor and never read the side effects of something you have to administer somebody with, when you have no power to change it. I put on my shoes and tell my mom that i am leaving, the only thing i get back is " I may not be here anymore when you come back" as per usual. Something that deeply worried me every time i heard it, but i had to go now, luckily there was somebody around every time something major would have happened.

The way to school begins, i lived pretty close to the school i went to, it is about a 20 minute walk, as usual im walking alone, terrified of the thought that my mom might do something to herself and nobody is home. School starts at 7:45 am, i arrive there at about 7:40, i did this on purpose to avoid standing in front of the closed classroom, having to wait there with my classmates, they weren't exactly terribly, but they weren't great either, a multicoloured mix of knuckleheads, that never bothered to pay attention to the class, a couple of a / b students like myself, some of them very engaged in the lesson, some of them , like me, never said i word, but usually knew the answer to most questions the teacher would ask,  but i was certainly the most silent and tired one, since i did not get much sleep.

I hated the breaks in between lessons, my mind was so worried about my mom and what i might find when i come back home,i just could not interact with anyone on a normal, smalltalk type basis, i could not relax, i was feeling utter stress and anxiety. At least i could distract myself in the lessons, immersing myself in the topics that werde taught and discussed, not physically, i never injected anything into the conversation, but mentally, i paid close attention and listened, which had the advantage that i never really needed to learn for any tests, i was an a or b student, sometimes one more then the other and nobody complained.

This day school ended at 1 pm. I Usually ate lunch at my grandparents house, so i made my way there and started eating lunch with my grandparents at about 1:30 pm. My grandma is an angel, she is loving and caring, she never in her entire life lost her temper with me. But my grandpa on the other hand was ( he died almost 4 years ago ) had an explosive temper and was pretty argumentative, always finding something to complain or fight about, of course also when i was there. So on the one hand i loved being there because of my grandma, i still eat lunch together with her pretty often,  i lover her deerly. On the other hand there was my grandpa, he never got physical or anything like that, he never hit my grandma, but his tendency to always cause arguments did not really allow me to relax or open up about how i was feeling, the atmosphere for doing something like that just was not there. So when my grandma asked how i was doing and how things are going, i just said "Im fine, everything is going well" and surpressed my emotions deep inside, which became a really big problem over time.

It is about 2:30 pm and now that i am done eating lunch and playing a card or board game with my grandma, i make my way home, praying that nothing happened. I open the door and sure enough, as usual my mom is lying on the couch, either watching TV or sleeping. In this case she is sleeping, so i go upstairs and immediately turn my PC on. The i started gaming as i always did , my homework is lying next to my keyboard, i usually finished it throughout the day, did a little bit here and there, or finished it really late at night when, when i was tired as hell, because i simply forgot or did not want to do them through the day.

My dad usually came home at about 6p.m, he also suppressed his emotions all the time, ( He is a good guy, Reliable, orderly and treats people with respect, but he  just hates when things are not in order, he was not perfect, but i do now realise that he did the best he could to help me while simultaneously dealing with this situation himself, for example, my mom called my dad at work a couple of times and told him she would jump in front of a train that day, how would you react if that happened to you? So i get why acted the way he acted)  if i was lucky he would just walk past my mom and everything was more or less quite, or my mom forgot to do something important, made a mess in the house or accidentally broke something, which led to him screaming at her, making me super uncomfortable, and therefore was not feeling secure enough to share my emotions and troubling thoughts with him. He then proceeded to walk upstairs, open my door, quickly asked me how i am doing, I said "Im fine", he closes the door and that was usually the only conversation we had at any given day.

And with that the day is basically over, got woken up at 3 am, went to school, ate lunch with my grandparents, got back home, and then sat in front of my computer all day until about, 11 or 12 pm, if i was not lazy that day and made my homework  i went to sleep, if not i did my homework and then went to sleep at 1pm, or whenever i was done. So i did not sleep much either, combined with all this anxiety, stress and selfinduced isolation i put my self through. My reasoning for doing this was "If i kill myself, i do not want anybody to feel sad", not a very sound idea, but being in that confused state of mind made it almost look self-sacrificing to me, i bascially had created an "ideal" to work with, completely crazy when i think about it today ( yes  i sometimes  had gaming buddies from time to time , but i did not enjoy these conversations at all, they were superficial to say the least, but i was happy that at least somebody was "around" that was not causing me to feel any emotional pain. )

And this cycle repeated for about 6 months and luckily changed once my mom was admitted to psychiatry and got at least some help.

On the one hand I loved my mom and wanted to help her as best as i could, but on the other hand i despised her for putting me through all this, so there was this constant tug of war in my mind, should i help her or should i leave her, this just drove me insane. My coping mechanisms were terrible at the time, since i just  bottled my emotions up all the time, either one of two things usually happened, i either got home went into my room, locked the door and cried my eyes out with nobody around to comfort me or i got absolutely furious with my mom, screamed at her, either telling her how much i loved her and how i wanted to help, or straight up told her how much i hated her. After that was over i got in my room, and as i already described cried my eyes out without anybody being there to comfort me, plus i felt like a total piece of shit every time i screamed at her, some thing in me just told that its not right and it made me feel absolutely miserable.

Which of course has repercussions, i almost killed myself on two different occasions or at least would have hurt myself quiet badly if i went through with what i had in mind, but i luckily stopped myself last second both times, especially on the second time, something truly magical happened, i still cant really put it into words, but i´ll try my best to describe what happened in the next paragraph.

The first time, i took a deep breath and was just absolutely ready to somehow cut my Pulse artery with a really sharp and long kitchen knife, i took a last deep breath and closed my eyes, and while doing that i saw what seemed like a snippet of my funeral, my family crying beside my corpse before it is led down into my grave, so i could not do it and stopped, The second time i planned to mix a bunch of pills with alcohol, i had everything ready, i again took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and it felt like my spirit guardian was hugging and comforting me, ( i am crying so hard right now )  i cant explain it in any other way, i had this unbelievable feeling of pure love, peace and acceptance,  that told me not to do it, it was only a split second, but it left me so puzzled that i stopped and on this day finally decided to never hurt myself.

Of course i still battled depression and suicidal thoughts for about a year after that event, but this split second feeling gave me so much hope to continue and i got through it, i still have not entirely won that battle, but now im at least somewhat in control of my emotional state, and do not have these destructive coping mechanism anymore.

Well, that was it for today, it took me quite a while to write this and tears were running down my face half way through.

If you actually made it all the way here, please leave me your thoughts in the comments, i will read every one of them, i hope you enjoyed it.

Have a great day.

[Esilda]

@Marcel That's so sweet of you 

[Esilda]

@Marcel what you wrote was so vulnerable and open, I hope you are okay. How are you feeling hours after having released all of that out from you honey? 

[Marcel]

@Esilda

Im feeling quite good, its the first time that i got a lot of things of my chest that i just was not able, or maybe ready to release in the past.

Especially the memory of my 2nd attempt and why i stopped made me tear up quite a a bit, it hits like a truck every time i think about it, even now while i write this i can already feel how tears are forming in my eyes again, but in a good way, it feels like a burden is being lifted from my heart.

I had all of this on my mind for a couple of years, but never quite knew what to do about it, i am so glad i wrote this.

Also, I think i can literally feel the healing process happening right now while i am writing this response, my whole body is warming up on the inside and my mind is at peace, it is a really nice fand comforting feeling.

[Marcel]

 

Its now a little but over 24 hours after making my first post.

I feel way more relaxed, i feel lighter, like something has been lifted of off me, i initially did not know what i wanted to write about today, but after some thinking, i decide to go into why i got depressed and suicidal,  since i never really go in those and here seems to be the right place to do that.

Why did i want to kill myself? There were many reasons i suppose, but the biggest one was probably, the lack of love in my life.

My mom mostly just told me how bad she feels and that she wanted to end her life, my dad is not a good communicator and generally avoids it wherever he can, he is not exactly talkative either, and doubly so when it comes to emotional topics, for example, in all my life my dad and i never had a face to face, one on one son / dad conversation about how we felt about the situation we were in regarding my mom, never! and im 22 now.

My grandma is not that talkative either, but she is a great listener, but since my grandpa was always around and the atmosphere could change from peaceful to toxic for no reason at all in the blink of an exe, i was just never really able to open myself up in my teens.

Friends, well i did not really have friends, i had gaming  buddies here and there sometimes, as i like to call them,but we were not close at all, also i do not have any contact with them anymore and i do not miss them or any of the conversations we had, i do not even play video games anymore, in fact i have not played any in the last 3 years, i guess i grew out of it, if that is the correct phrase to use her.

What about activities in my spare time? Well i sat in front of my computer all day and did not seek out any social connections whatsoever, so i was pretty much stuck in my position, in hindsight there certainly were things i could have done differently, but the possibility that i even could change this situation did not  even occur to me once, again at least not in my teens.

Why did i get suicidal? Because there was just mostly negativity around me, since i was home all day,( except for  school of course ) and my mom was home all day as well, at least in that period of time, here thought patterns and emotions slowly transferred to me, something that happened in a completely unconscious manner. 

Come to think off it, i am literally the synthesis of my parents behavioursand actions, i adopted the thought patterns of my mom and the habits of my dad. I came back home after school, immediately went into my room and stayed there, basically the same thing my dad did. The Suicidal Thoughts cam through hearing it over and over and over again from my mom, she said it every day and it lodged itself into my mind, and over the years the suicidal thoughts became my whole identity, which of course i would not  have been able to articulate this way at that time, but i believe that is what happened.

A pretty dangerous cocktail, so i was isolated and suicidal, my whole world revolved around these destructive negative thoughts, and i had no way to let go of them back then, my emotions therefore turned sour over time as well. So i thought i would have to deal with this alone, that there was nobody that could help me. I was jaded to a high level, the prospect of finishing school and having to work a job for the rest of my live terrified me to my bones, i could not in a million years imagine to live like my dad did, which came on top of the suicidal thoughts and multiplied them.

So by the time i was 18, my life turned into a living hell, at least i perceived it to be that way, the only thing i could think about was suicide, but then the next tug of war started in my mind, one side telling me to do it, and the other telling me not to do it for the sake of my dad and grandma, the 2nd option held me back for a while, because i did not want to hurt my dad and my grandma. But the pain and hopelessness got so deep that even that wasnt enough at some point.

Leading to suicide attempt number 1. I was 18 at the time, i clearly remember this day, it was just an ordinary day, nothing special had happened, but something just broke in me, i was standing in my room and just broke down crying, lying on the floor my whole body tensing up and i could not move a muscle, i do not know how long i was lying there, but i probably cried for more then half an hour straight and it just did not stop, i could not do this anymore. So i finally, consciously decide to end my life for the first time, grabbed a long and very sharp kitchen knife with my right hand from the kitchen, went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and held the knife in the air,  right over my pulse artery, tears pouring out of my eyes and running down my face. Nobody was home at that time, so nobody would have been able to stop me, but as i explained in the last post, i took a deep breath, saw a snippet of my funeral in my minds eye and could not do it. After that i went to my grandma, ( my grandpa had died earlier the same year ) and told her everything, well i could not really talk, i just cried and cried for more than an hour while she was just holding and comforting me, if i did not have anyone to reach out to that day, i would have killed myself for sure. It would have taken a while, but i am pretty sure i would not be alive anymore.

After that incident, i felt really good for about 3-4 weeks and thought i was over it, but the thoughts came back, i got just as desperate than before, which lead to me making pretty rash decisions, i quit school in 13th grade, 6 weeks before the final exams ( i did graduate school in 10th grade, but i was going to another school which went on for 3 years, to get the "Abitur" which is the highest Educational qualification in germany when it comes to schooling, universe etc. would come after that if i ever would have wanted to go there ) and started network marketing, i changed from sitting in front of my computer all day to now being in Stuttgart all day every day, trying to make this business work, thinking that, " If im successful and financially independent, everything will be fine" but of course i failed or rather i gave up after a year. So now i was 20 years old, sitting at home all day, having quit school, burned a lot of money, a failed business,  unemployed and miserable, with no social contacts, i deleted every number i had on my phone from when i was still  in network marketing, isolating and falling into suicidal thoughts once again. So i started watching TV all day and gained a lot of weight. Of course my parents wanted me to do at least something, i did not matter what," just get any job you like" they said, but in my mind a job meant not living out my purpose and being stuck for the rest of my life, so i was  in this bind, in my mind there was no possibility to "to just get a job", i literally perceived it as the definition of hell and the thought of working for somebody else made me utterly depressed. So about a year goes by, just watching TV and gaining 40 kg, i again had two voices in my head, one told me to kill myself, the other one told me to not do it for the sake of my dad and grandma, but again, the pain became just unbearable at some point and Suicide Attempt number 2 happened, because i did not see any fulfilling way for me to live my life, plus i was still completely devoid of any love, at least i felt so, but my parents loved me, they did not kick me out, let me do whatever i did and didn´t force anything upon me, but i could not see that back then. So i mixed together about 100 sleeping pills and alot of alcohol, i honestly dont even know what would have happened, if i drank that stuff. But as i described my guardian angel hugged and comforted me, the only way i can describe it, this unbelievable feeling saved me. I just wanted to end my life that day, i felt like a complete loser / failure for not having a girlfriend and still being a virgin, i felt like a complete disappointment to my parents and not being able to see  any way to change it and i thought nobody would ever truly love me.

But this feeling saved me, it was just a split second feeling, but it saved me, if it weren't for this feeling i would have ended my life that day, i do not  know if this cocktail would have actually killed me, but im glad i did not drink it. My second suicide attempt happened when i was about 20 years and 6 months old, im guessing here, im not entirely sure. And it went uphill from there, slowly but surely, i still need to lose about 10 kilos, but im getting there, the suicidal thoughts have mostly vanished and i  finally can feel things again, not a lot, but i feel small slivers of pride and love here and there, enough to keep me going. Im still unemployed, my perception of working for someone else is still pretty skewed, but i did shovel snow in the winter and took care of peoples gardens in the meantime, so i made a little bit of money here and there. 

Nowadays, i get up at 5 am every day, i study every day, i meditate often, write often, workout 3-4 times a week and spend most of time figuring out how i can become self employed, i still do not have any social contacts whatsoever, no friends and no girlfriend,  i  still cant stand the thought of not being able to choose my own workplace, working hours and colleagues, but maybe i´ll try to get an "actual" job this year, anything i can get, just to get a little experience and to be able to break through this thought pattern, because it tends to be quite toxic and destructive.

Well, that is it for today. Thank you for reading till the end, you are amazing.

Please leave me your thoughts in the comments, i will read them.

[Esilda]

@Marcel Wishing you a wonderful day, I'm so happy that I inspired you  

[aghost]

You've gone through a lot.

If you ever decide to work on healing the trauma i recommend reading  Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman and Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel.

I battled with suicidal thoughts, feelings of deep sadness and made my first failed attempt in my early teenage years because i felt overwhelmed and i didn't know how to cope with it. 

At that time i had no idea what trauma was also how many wounds i was carrying.

 

Having a purpose does help a lot and keeping a daily jurnal. 

 

[Marcel]

@aghost

I think i´ve actually read one of those books before, but maybe im wrong, i am not entirely sure, thank you for the suggestion, i will look into them.

I feel you, i had the same problem, completely overwhelmed without any coping mechanisms or people that i could have talked to.

1 hour ago, aghost said:

Having a purpose does help a lot and keeping a daily jurnal. 

I absolutely agree, im trying to make posting here once a day a healthy habit, i wont force myself to do it, i will just let imy experiences flow through me and whatever flows out of me i´ll post.

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, Esilda said:

@Marcel Wishing you a wonderful day, I'm so happy that I inspired you  

And i am really grateful to you for that, i made a lot of mental breakthroughs just in the last two days, the more i do this the more i´ll be able to clean up my past mess, im really looking forward to where this journey will take me.

[Marcel]

For some reason i feel especially inspired today and therefore i´ll make a second post.

This time i will discuss the grades i had in school, sounds boring, but they definitely contributed to my first suicide attempt to some degree.

The Grade system over here in Germany consists of the numbers from 1 to 6, with 1 being the best and 6 being the worst, ( A=1 and F=6 )

I actually used to be quite an outgoing kid ( I literally was the class clown in elementary school ) until about the start of 7th grade, i had and average of somewhere between 3 and 3.5 depending on which school year i would look at, basically average or a bit below average, nothing out of the ordinary.

There were 4 classes in every level, so there would be 6a, 6b, 6c, and 6d with 20-25 students for example, but the next year they had to create a 7e, because there were too many students, so my new year started in the newly formed 7e, a mixed class with students out of every class from that level, i sadly never fit in there, and never found friends. Some people just absolutely used me, for example if there was a group project, i had to do everything, ( not always, but it was pretty common ) and then they took the credit for what i created, maybe that´s why i, to this day cant stand not being able to choose my own colleagues haha.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, my grade average improved from 3.2 to 1.9 in one year, ( this was also the first year i started cutting myself of from everybody else and slowly isolated myself )  so i got picked on for being nerd, which is so dumb if you think about it, why would you bully someone for being good in school, its so god damn stupid, but as i have  come to realise there are two types of bullies ( maybe there are more, that´s just my observation ), the one projects their own problems outside of themselves and the other one just really does not care and enjoys it, or tries to fit in and feel "cool". I was not able to verbally defend myself as i stated in a previous post, i was completely occupied with worrying about my mom, but luckily i was good at sports and could do standing backflips on concrete and stuff like that, so i gained a minimum level of "respect" from the other boys over time. 

Since i started isolating myself, i felt worse and worse with every school year, and the fear of graduating and going to a different school felt quite  paralyzing to me as well, but of course, time just rolls on, i graduated the "Realschule" as it is called with a 2,1 average and went onto a "Wirtschaftsgymnasium" with focus on economics, i had a 1,8 average in my first year and basically repeated that same number in the next year, which is grade 12th, the year that my depression and suicidal thoughts really kicked into high gear and then completely overshadowed grade 13.

My grade average dropped from 1,8 to 3,4, i really had no point of reference and just thought my life is over with that score, suddenly questions like  "what if an employer sees my credentials and sees this significant drop in performance and asked me what happend, what do i say ??? " it completely wrecked my mind and completely destroyed my ability to concentrate, i could not focus in class anymore and suddenly i had to study for tests again , since learning everything in class was not a functional strategy anymore, i did not have to learn for tests in years, so i did not have any system or discipline in that area, plus the amount and depth of the material i had to learn increased quite dramatically in grade 12 and 13, this pressure to perform plus all the stress from home and the constant tugs of wars in mind, coupled with the fact that i did not have anyone to discuss my thoughts and emotions with, led to my breaking point and culminated in my first suicide attempt. In fact i was studying for a test while it happened, i studied economics, i sorted all the pages i had and then my body just collapsed, i luckily did not hit my head when i fell on the floor, and so lied there uncontrollably crying my eyes out, unable to move an inch, it was gut wrenching to say the least. I quit school about 6 Months later, completely out of the blue, i did not communicate this to anyone, since i was 18 i just checked myself out of school about 6 weeks before the final exams happened, you cannot imagine all the chaos and arguments i  caused with my parents, teachers and classmates,I just blocked everything and thought i knew everything better. Maybe it was good that way, because there is no way that i could have studied to a sufficient degree within these circumstances, i mean i literally almost killed myself in the process,  well im writing this blog post right now, which i probably would not do if things were different, you live and you learn i guess.

My timeline sometimes may not make any sense , i have trouble remembering many things, since i can mostly just remember the extremes like suicide attempts or times where i was alone in my room and cryed my eyes out,  and so have to somehow piece the rest together. Since my days and weekends were mostly the same, my brain basically just "forgot" them, this is also the reason why we can not remember being a baby, these memories have no survival value to us.

Anyway, that is it for now, can you relate?

[Marcel]

Day 3 of this project of mine, this is the 4th post and i already feel like an entirely different human being. I can not believe that sharing all of my experiences could help me so much, so i will continue.

Today i want to talk about something i never shared with anyone and never really had the possibility to share with anyone, because i was to ashamed to talk about it, to accept this possibility,  but i will open myself up now, i will pour my heart out and release all the love i possibly can. Bliss and Peace awaits me.

I do question my gender a lot, and the more i question it, the more i  am not really sure whether i am male or female, these boundaries have collapsed for me. I was lost and confused about this quite a lot, not knowing how to feel or how to act in any given situation. Stereotypes of both genders running through my head and wondering how many of which would fit me. 

But lets go way back to the first time i remember doing something that is generally considered a female activity. I was in 5th grade and painted my toenails with purple and glittery nail polish and i really loved it,i also tried out other colors, i also put on red lipstick and both of these things felt completely natural to me, but i never did it again ever since, as much as i loved it, i also felt so much shame and guilt for doing something that is generally not part of the social norms and i never did it again, i deeply suppressed it, but i let it afloat now for everybody to see. I of course did not know that back then, or would have been able to consciously understand why i felt that way, but it always was in the back if my mind.

But i am not lying to myself anymore, i am going to be my truest self, i will reveal it here and now.I am speaking my truth now,  I definitely have deep desires to wear female clothing, be it a dress or high heels, i would just love to wear them. I would love to paint my nails and wear lipstick. I want to wear make up, i want to feel beautiful, but i do not want to be loved for beauty, i want to be loved for who i am. Tears of pure joy are running through my face right now, im feeling so much love and compassion for anybody who would hate me for saying these things. I do not feel like my body would need to change in any way for me to feel this way, but i am terrified of doing these things while i am in a male body. I fear the judgment and criticism that people would throw at me, as much as i understand and have compassion for it, i feel like i can not do these things if society sees me as male, classifies my infinite nature into a label that does not describe me at all. I do not like male activities, i do not like being macho, i do not like being tough. But i love female activities, i love talking, sharing  my thoughts and feelings, i love listening to others and empathising with their pains and joys, i love being vulnerable, i love to pure my heart out, i love caring for others, i love being soft, i love being sentimental, i would love to go  shopping for high heels and pumps, i would love wearing make up, painting my nails and putting on lipstick. The more i think about it the more it becomes obvious and undeniable, i am a women in a mans body, at least society would define me that way. I would be completely fine to stay in this body, i do not feel it needs changing ( yet, but i do have the feeling this will change soon as well ) and i also have the feeling that this is the only way for me to be my true, authentic self.

Waves of pure love and joy are rushing through my body right now, as if i had multiple orgasms, this confession set me free.

Society defines my true nature as female, and so i guess i have to say it, i am a women, there is no doubt about it and it is liberating and freeing to finally say it. I am a women. 

But now i do not know what the next step will be, i will not rush this process, i will live of my new won freedom and liberation for now, i live in pure joy right now, but in the long term, i think it is inevitable, i will transition sooner or later. I do not yet desire to have a female body, but i am sure this desire will surface as well, it is probably the one i was never able to articulate and it therefore pained me unconsciously my entire life, up until now.

I honestly can not put into words how deeply happy i am feeling right now, i have never been this joyful in my entire life.

I think i will stop this topic here for today, i actually even wanted to go into my sexual desires and how i view my self in reference to my position as a women in the domain of sex, but the details are pretty juicy and explicit ,so  i do not know whether i want to share this here or not, this would truly be my most intimate post, but i will probably save all of this to discuss with my future girlfriend, and i will accept all of her sexual desires and embrace them, no shame, no guilt, no judgment, complete freedom, infinite love, compassion and acceptance.

I hope i inspired you to become more vulnerable today, it is a sacred gift, use it.

[Marcel]

This post contains my most desired sexual phantasy out of my female perspective, it is written with a lot of detail and assumes that i am the women in this unfolding story. Opening up about this topic, made me feel unbelievably excited and got me so turned on for several hours straight, so that i barely got any sleep tonight, so i just had to write it down to get it out of my system. It is 4:30 am on a saturday  currently and I feel totally alive and free, pure joy and bliss, as of the time of writing this. Please Enjoy. ( It is 17:14 p.m right now for me )

Also, if you are wondering, yes if i had a female body, i would love to have everything i described here done to me in real life, together with an intimate partner that i can fully trust and feel completely comfortable with.

Nighttime has come, the game will soon start and i am awaiting it with utter suspense, i can already feel myself getting turned on, my whole body is craving it, my mind lost in anticipation. I cant think about anything else and he finally enters the room. The Love of my Life, the Gamemaster, i can hear his determined footsteps walking towards me, he finally lifts my blindfold and i look into the face of pure love. I think he must be hearing my heartbeat because it beats so fast and loud. I will listen to and follow his every command. The Game begins. He commands me to take of all of my clothes off and i comply, he watches me strip myself naked and gets turned on by my beauty and gracefullness. I take off all of my clothes , except my wonderful deep black colored heels, i would not be myself without them, they are a part off me. He comes closer and we start to kiss and embrace each other, until he suddendly stops. He demands me to get on my knees and i happily do so. My ankels are getting shackled with splendid black coloured leather restraints, i feel a rush of terror and excitement once they touch my skin and lock my gorgoues feet in place, i feel totally alive. He proceeds to place a collar around my neck and puts me on a leash, i am finally in his control and he inserts a buttplug into my anus, preparing it for later. He starts to walk me like a dog and i absolutely love it. I am absolutely into it. I can let go off everything unnecessary and just fully enjoy myself, being completely in the moment. The combined feelings of shame and excitement ingulves me and make me feel like a sex goddess. I am willingly submitting myself to this experience, submitting to him and living out my deeply submissive nature. He honors my willingness to get dominated and i honor his willingness to dominate me. He gently pulls on the leash from time to time, signaling to me to stop moving, takes out his whip and whips me with it, disciplining me. Causing just enough pain to fill my masochistic needs, while i am on my knees and hands, leashed like a dog with a buttplug in my ass. The humiliation feels mesmerizing. The restraints on my ankels, the collar, the leash, and the buttplug make me go crazy. I adore the feeling of being bound and the liberating sense of not being in control. The trust that exists between the two of us makes me feel secure and I marvel how he soon will tie me up and penetrate my precious little holes. I am getting wet and turned on and he notices it, so we slowly make our way into the bedroom. While we get there he tells me all the erotic things he will do to me, my imagination takes over and the amount of excitement i feel makes me drip wet. I am ready to be used and brought to orgasm, little did i know he would make a tease and denial game out of it. We arrive in the bedroom, i feel exhausted and i am covered in sweat. He tells me to get up, i struggle to do so because of my heels and the restrains that keep my feet in place, but i am eventually able to do it. He now shackles my wrists behind my back and puts rope around my whole upper buddy, ties up my tits and plays with my errect nipples, touches them, licks them, a rush of adrenaline goes through my entire body, i am ready to cum. "Please let me cum master", while i am moaning in pleasure, barely being able to get the words out, but he stops. He runs his soft hands through my hair and face and i start blushing out of pure embarrassment. Now i am really getting tied up. He puts new restraints on each of my ankels and spreads my legs wide open and ties them to either side of the bedpost while i lie on my back, with my shackled hands and wrists behind it. I have lost all control, both of my holes are completely exposed and there is nothing i could do to stop it now, exactly the feeling i so desire and dream about. I feel pure joy and total bliss. I can not wait for him to use me, to fullfill all of his desires and in doing so fullfilling my every desire. He runs his hands over my fully exposed naked body, he plays with my boobs, touches my inner thighs, he takes of both of my heels, starts licking my soles and sucks my toes, teasing me so much i can barely take it anymore. But eventually the main event begins, he passionately starts fingering and licking my clitoris. The first touch sends a rush of dopamin through my entire body. He edges me over and over again and does not let me orgasm, not even when i am asking for permission and beg him for it. He takes out his magic wand and starts to hold it against my sacred vagina. He slowly takes out the buttplug he inserted into my anus eaerlier, it has widend enough to be penetrated and starts teasing it with his hard and erect dick. Then he finally enters me and starts givng me anal, i can see and feel his penis penetrating me, it goes deep inside of me, the moment i have been waiting for all night. Suddendly i cum, an explosive orgasm with unending waves of pleasure pulsate through my entire body. I am shaking in ecstacy, but the restraints barely let me move. My wet sensitive pussy contracts and i cum while he keeps fucking my asshole and continous to vibrate my pussy. The freedom that i am feeling is indescribable and i dont want it to ever stop, the entire tention broke up in a single moment. The position wont change this night, i specifically wanted to be tied up this way. My legs spread wide apart and my holes exposed, free to be used in any way, i feel vulnerable and deeply touched. Sooner or later the anal sex ends and he turns the vibrator off. I thought i would get a break, but he is relentless and the pleasurable suffering keeps going. I already had a massive orgasm, but we are far from done. He puts a blue colored ball gag into my mouth and locks it behind my head and i finally feel complete. Like i finally entered my true sense of being. Unable to move and Unable to speak. Ready to be used in any way my master pleases. I give myself up to him completely. He sticks his dick into my vagina and starts soflty choking me. My whole body is fully relaxed and in true ecstasy. I am his one and only beloved bondage slave and feel completely absorbed in my role, just as he is absorbed in his. I am such a naughty girl that loves to experiment. This is my true nature, i need to be in total submission, i crave to be dominated, tied up and restrained, choked and whipped, buttplugged and gagged, this is my lifeblood and i have to life it out. He spoils my pussy in every variation you can think off until i finally cum for the last time and he slowly stops penetrating me once i have stopped orgasming. Now it is his turn. He pulls his dick out of my wet dripping love cave and cums all over my body. He blows a huge load onto my body and i feel completely at peace and satisfied as i start to perceive the warmth of his sperm on my skin. I have served my purpose. I have served my master faithfully once again and he rewarded me graciously for it. The Game has ended and he takes his sweet time to untie me, staring into my beautiful blue eyes the whole time. Of course he only gets rid of the gag once he untied my ankels and wrists and then takes it of lovingly. We hug each other, while we still both are completely naked, embracing and kissing each other, making our way into the shower and wrapping all of it up in a long conversation about our experience. I love getting tied up, but the deep connection and intimacy i am feeling right after we have finished is almost as good if not better. After a long, deep and intimate conversation, we finally both fall asleep in each ohters arms.

[RickyFitts]

Amazing, @Marcel , thanks for sharing 

[Esilda]

@RickyFitts TOTALLY AGREE!!!!! 

[Esilda]

@Marcel Going to reply to this as soon as I get back from the shop! 

[Marcel]

I have inspired myself to write another sexual phantasy. It takes me about two hours to create one of these.

It feels like i am able to be in the moment and forget that time is passing when i do this, plus i have a lot of fun writing them. Especially because i know that i want to do these things in real life at some point.

I again am my female self and this time we see how the story unfolds if i am in a bit more dominant position with another women. You could call this a lesbian strict bondage phantasy with me being in the role of the dominant mistress.

For some reason my journal starts turning into some sort of sexual phantasy hub, i must say i kinda like it. Exploring these ideas feels very satisfying and i really feel at peace every time i am able to post one of these onto her. I especially enjoy the positive comments and reactions. Please Enjoy.

I enter the playroom, she has already made herself comfortable and choose her outfit. She only wears a bondage mask and a red ball gag and i can only see her luscious red lips plus her beautiful deep brown eyes.  Her pupils start to dilate once she sees me, she does not know what she will experience this time and i can see the excitement running through her body. She loves self bondage, so she already managed to get herself into a nice  hogtie, lying on her stomach, having cuffed her wrists and her ankles together. "She must feel so helpless right now" i am thinking to myself and rejoice in this thought. She is at my mercy now. This is strict bondage and she will only be released once i allow it. There is no way to escape, she has brought this upon herself like the cute naughty girl she is. So many ways to turn her on and make her squirm, what should i start of with?  I decide to slowly run my findex finger from the top of her spine, down her back right down through her wet pussy and then stick my finger right into her anus. She visibly starts to shiver as i take my sweet time to slowly follow her spin with my index finger and tell her exactly what i intend to. Usually i am the one being verbally humiliated, but this time the tables have turned. So i use my position of power and make sure she calls me mistress at all times, and asks me for permission whenever she wants something from me. This should be a challenge, considering she chose a particularly big ball gag this time around. Once i am done playing with her anus and massaging her big, juicy butt, she asks me to vibrate her pussy. But i just pretend that i do not hear her , grabbing a candle and lighting it while she trys to articulate it once more. So i start threatening her, "I cant understand you, either you speak more clearly, if you want something out of me, or this candle wax will flow all over your precious soles and you know this will hurt". I give her one last chance and she actually manages to get the words out, with good enough quality to satisfy me. But before i grab the vibrator i need to punish her for not paying me enough respect, so i take of my beloved black heels and force her to lick my soles and suck my toes. I take the gag out of her mouth, but she refuses to do it. This little brat is really overestimating her bargaining power. So i start spanking her ass with my favourite red whip, after i gently let it run over her whole back for a while, wanting to these her while i demand an apology from her. She is quite stubborn, so she only does so after the pain of the whip hitting her butt makes her scream and cry, pleading for mercy. We set the limits beforehand, and this was very close to her absolute limit, i am glad she did not get hurt by my actions. I kiss her passionately and embrace her trying to calm her down and wipe the tears of her face to show my sympathy, asking if everything is ok and she nods her head, so we shall continue, adding a blindfold on top and putting the ball gag back in place, where it always should be. So i grab a vibrator, but before i vibe her pussy i set up a condition, she needs to lick my pussy while she is getting vibrated. I can see her head enthusiastically nodding and the fun begins. Little does she know that i intend to squirt into her mouth once i cum, and tell her that if she manages to make me squirt with her tongue alone, i would show my gratitude, leaving it to her imagination what i might do to her or what that might mean. And so she licks away, i can tell the slut in her really enjoys licking me, so i take her head and shove right into my pussy, she barely gets any air and nearly faints, so i let her breath again and then demand her to continue licking me. It eventually happens and i start squirting into her lovely mouth. She licks her lips and soaks up all the fluid that landed in her face, she really likes the taste of my love juices. So i surprise her and let the candle wax flow down her back, she loves it, especially because it was unexpected and then proceed to penetrate her wide open asshole while her pussy is getting vibrated. She is gagged, blindfolded and hogtied, she cannot escape my torment, even if she wanted to. I love being evil and unpredictable, she will only cum as often as i allow it, but i feel especially generous today. I make her cum over and over again, without any brakes, watching her wet dripping pussy overflow licking and fingering her whenever and wherever i feel like it. Adoring, caressing and feeling her soft naked soles in my hands and running my hands all over her fully exposed naked body in whichever way and direction i please. But i get bored at some point, so i put some cold ice cubes into her warm pussy, for a chilling ice play and then stop the vibrator, take another dildo and use that one to gently fuck her pussy once the ice cubes have melted, giving her one last orgasm. I tell her the play is over, leave the room and leave her helplessly tied up for another ten minutes, while she is gagged and blindfolded not being able to call me and not knowing what to do, verbally humiliating her as much as i possibly can. But i finally come back to untie her, after demanding that she must struggle to get free while i am observing her, otherwise she will be stuck her for quite a while, if she does not follow my orders and starts to entertain me soon. I relish watching her struggle, it is futile of course, but the way her body moves, especially her sexy restrained feet and ankles , but also her wrists and admiring her beautiful black nail polish on her finger and toe nails, turns me on and makes my legs shake. After letting her struggle for permission to stop struggling for a while and letting her ask me to be untied several times i finally lift her blindfold and make her gag lose. Passionately kissing and embracing her, telling her what a good girl she is, and that she did well, before i start loosening the hogtie."I would love to be tied up right now i start thinking while making her free again". But we decide to end the play here with showering together and embracing each other in the bathtub. And of course talk about our experience and discussing how she will dominate me next time. I know it will be evil and i love it, she will let me struggle and i know it. Nothing happens without consent. Just thinking about what she will do to me next time makes me feel hot and excited, and so we part ways for today.

Edited August 15, 2021 by Marcel

[Esilda]

@Marcel I'm a little too embarrassed and shy to share my sexual wandering's but I will... Sneak peak into my... Influences...

https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/the-bed-post-podcast-38640

... My reading at the moment..

https://www.sylviaday.com/books/dont-tempt-me/

Only been with two men and not at all interested in stacking numbers as it seems rather parochial to me but... Yeah  . 

Imagination is self-captivating, we don't need anyone else unless they're truly special as then no body is ever just a number or some primitive fix.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Esilda

[Marcel]

@Esilda

Interesting, i will look into it.

As i mentioned before, i haven never been with a women ever in my entire life, i haven´t even gotten around to holding hands with one.

I feel the same way about stacking numbers, in fact the thought of sleeping with multiple people really almost feels repelling to me.

There is a quote that i heard in my early teens that really stuck with and resonated with me ever since.

"You can sleep with as many people as you want, there is nothing wrong with that, but when you wake up next to them in the morning, you will never know if they truly love you" It had a lot of influence on me when it comes to relationships and how i want to approach them.

20 minutes ago, Esilda said:

@Esilda Imagination is self-captivating, we don't need anyone else unless they're truly special as then no body is ever just a number or some primitive fix.

Exactly, the only thing i really want, is to develop a deep intimate connection with someone and then stay with that person.

I truly believe that everything that is not a committed relationship is just a distraction to not face our inner most feelings.

[Esilda]

@Marcel

[Marcel]

 

I just noticed that i haven´t posted any music into this journal yet, so i picked out a couple of tracks that generally fit what i have been talking about so far. I will update the list once i start a new topic that is not about depression, suicide or sexual phantasies.