Allowing myself to be myself

[Preety_India]

Maybe I can be myself. 

[Preety_India]

I can be myself only if I constantly don't feel hunted and trapped and helpless. 

If my family gave me more freedom I probably would have felt like I can be myself. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One of the problems that I face, I will call them hard spots in my life. 

 

And one such hard spot is this forum. I don't like being here but I'm here anyway as a means to an end. It helps me with my self development indeed but i would rather not have the social aspect of this place. 

 

But the social aspect sort of comes with the territory. 

 

Since I'm an introvert I tend to push people away because I see them as a disturbance to my work. I can only talk little and after that begin to feel trapped, caged, nervous and want to spend time alone. 

 

Spending time alone was my favorite hobby. 

 

You can see introverted elements in my journals. 

 

In fact I'm so introverted that I talk to myself in my journals. I don't even feel like I need to talk to people. 

 

I feel happy when I am alone, although a bit lonely sometimes, but being alone for me has always been more peaceful and meaningful than being around people.. 

 

I tend to go back into my shell many many times and I rarely come out 

 

This I did for 2 years on this forum from February 2018 to November 2019. I never spoke to anyone here. It felt good but I was missing out on social networking and as a result I didn't even have social mannerisms on how to talk to people so they understand. It wasn't helping at all because I became a shell of myself not knowing anything about social behaviors or social cues and that made me even more combative. It's hard this way. It's like a child who grew up with animals and never knew how to behave in the world and now when the child makes mistakes you punish that child severely without looking into where the child came from. 

 

Don't misinterpret an introvert if you don't understand them. Let them be free of your worthless judgment. They could be very different from who you think they are. 

 

#keepatabonhardspots

 

Make a list of hashtags. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I never felt happy with any profile picture 

 

Every time I uploaded a profile picture within 2 hours I started hating it, feeling extremely repulsed. 

Because when I upload a profile picture, in the beginning I feel the emotion of the picture is representing me, I feel like the picture is talking to me. 

Then within minutes and hours I feel a sense of torture and resentment building against the same profile picture. I feel like it's not representing my emotion correctly or it's not generating peace or it is staring at me. I get anxious because I tend to feel watched, attacked, and repulsed by the same picture. 

I feel like the picture is separate from who I am and what I represent. Then I start hunting for another picture that will represent my inner emotion properly. 

When I look at any face picture I see an emotion in it. 

The emotion generally matches with my emotion in the given moment. If it feels good I upload it. If it doesn't resonate anymore with my current emotion or if I feel like the picture is attacking my vibe, I remove it. 

I'm an HSP-highly sensitive person. 

These things don't matter to people but they matter to me. 

#labelyourhardspots

[Preety_India]

 

This profile picture is perfect 

 

I finally found a profile picture that is perfect for me. It doesn't feel like it's attacking me.. It feels safe because it looks peacefully at me. 

The picture is peaceful so I don't feel triggered by it. 

The last picture felt like it was staring at me and I wasn't comfortable with journaling with that picture looking at me. 

This picture feels happy, peaceful and non invasive, it is healing rather than interfering. 

It also shows aspects of myself that are truly myself.. 

My inner spirit is a kindred spirit full of love, peace, hope, happiness and kindness and there is no place for jealousy or hate within my inner self. When I die I will die with a clean pure heart because there's nothing bad there. 

However the opportunity to be peaceful was never given to me because of a dominating tyrant mother who ruled my childhood and scarred me psychologically. 

This trauma dominated my life for quite a long time. 

In some ways a lot of my profile pictures mirrored this trauma in the form of anger, sullenness, desperation, vehement, anguish or excitement. 

But this picture might probably be my permanent profile picture because it doesn't represent trauma aspects of my personality but healing aspects of my personality 

The last profile picture felt like it showed a lot of my inner anger and pointedness. Starkness. 

This one

 

 

I feel like it represented the anger aspect of me, like I'm asking directly or pointedly. 

The confrontational aspect of my personality where I relentlessly go after someone (mostly a boyfriend) if I feel like they wronged me in some way. 

I can be pretty confrontational and this can be very Intimidating to people yet there is a part of me which is extremely soft and muted and nurturing, my true self that is not enveloped by trauma. 

The trauma part is definitely the angry part. 

 

 

 

I might use that profile picture again in the future. 

Every profile picture for me represents a certain mood, vibe, facet of my personality or life. 

 

[Preety_India]

One of the hard spots I'm facing is this forum

 

I don't feel supported here still. There's a gnawing sensation in me that some people just hate me for absolutely bogus reasons and out of their own false perceptions of me and projections. 

I can't help that. 

Yes I'm a flawed person. But who isn't flawed? 

Those who truly care about me without ulterior motive will see past my flaws and detect my true nature. I'll have nothing to prove and nothing to defend. 

When you come like a God to me, I bow in front of you. 

But if you come to me to control or preach me, sorry but I won't listen to one word you say. I don't need it. Your judgement is not my definition or my truth. 

So Yea this forum is also a hard spot and I often run into people who tell me things that doesn't accurately describe what I think or how I feel inside, they change it to suit their narrative and tell me something that is completely alien to what I'm thinking. 

Just because I'm not adept (can't even use this word) at articulating my thoughts doesn't give you the right to misrepresent my mind, my thoughts, my inner sanctum.

I call this forum frustration. I'll label it as such. #forumfrustration. 

This too is one of the hard sports, this forum frustration thing that I'm trying to resolve or find a proper way to handle/deal with it. 

 

Edited August 9, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I wrote a mouthful. 

There are more things I would want to write about which don't allow me to be myself and that would come later. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

On 05/08/2021 at 6:16 AM, Preety_India said:

My all time favourite sad song. I sing it when I'm sad. (Hindi language)

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Next topic/file

Home Sweet Home 

Page 1

Page 2

 

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

• Build your own house. The house and place of your dreams. 
• Cut out shit that you don't need. Straight up. 
• Detect, label and clean out hard spots. 
• Treat your body and life like a house you wanna build 
• File this under Home Sweet home 

 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

3 steps 

1st step. 

First detect hard spots. Be aware of them. Recognize them. Label them. Even classify them. But don't ignore or be oblivious to them. 

 

 

2nd step. 

Get your mental scrub ready. Collect your thoughts and attention and energy into carefully analyzing and studying these hard spots. #ProblemSolving  #Brainstorming. 

 

3rd step 

Clean the system and scrub off these spots and wipe clean. All gone. Restore system to original state of sanity. Through which you can focus and carve out your next path. 

 

Hard spots gone. System cleaned.

 

[Preety_India]

The idea of soft spots. 

Soft spots are those that are cherishing, comforting, supporting, uplifting and helpful with the sequence of growth. 

An example of a soft spot is a moss stick that helps grow creepers upwards. 

 

 

 

 

 

This helps with growth in the upward direction. 

Another excellent analogy /example can be... A boat. A paper boat. 

 

What factors move the boat forward or what conditions? 

Both the ripples and the wind. In this case, ripples and wind act as soft spots. 

 

 

Putting barriers. 

One way to stop hard spots from gradually spreading like a mental cancer is to raise barriers whenever they come by.. 

 

 

What does this mean? 

Its like placing an alarm. Hold them in check.. 

One analogy I came up with. 

One way to imagine this would be... Let's say water flows in a stream. Slide a small piece of hardened block of wax and slightly push it through the stream. 

Divide the stream into two parts.. The blue zone and the red zone. 

You can mark the red zone wherever you want. 

 

 

The wax block represents the hard spots. When this block enters in your life, there's a beginning period marked by the blue zone where you want to process and know if this block is positive, neutral or harmful to your life. This is the blue zone, or evaluation zone. But before it fully impacts your life you have to yank it out so that it doesn't cause much damage. One way to stop it from further eroding your life space is to block it by placing the net. The net allows the water to flow but doesn't allow the block. 

It stops the block right in the middle and your life which is represented by the red zone remains safe and protected from this block aka hard spots 

 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Two more concepts 

• Create a God operated system. Create a neutral system 
• Deep system programming... Almost like reprogramming or deprogramming 

 

Edited August 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

49 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Two more concepts 

• Create a God operated system. Create a neutral system 
• Deep system programming... Almost like reprogramming or deprogramming 

 

The home sweet home principle. 

 

[Preety_India]

*there's no meaning to it. *

 

[Preety_India]

Keep your heart free. (hashtag) 

 

[Myioko]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:02 PM, Preety_India said:

Then within minutes and hours I feel a sense of torture and resentment building against the same profile picture. I feel like it's not representing my emotion correctly or it's not generating peace or it is staring at me. I get anxious because I tend to feel watched, attacked, and repulsed by the same picture. 

I feel like the picture is separate from who I am and what I represent. Then I start hunting for another picture that will represent my inner emotion properly. 

@Preety_India

It's interesting hearing you write this out in words, because I don't hear it often, and a similar sentiment has been in the back of my mind for a while.

I usually don't feel content with my profile picture either, even though it's just a picture it does always have a 'feeling' stuck to it. 

How it feels to me goes beyond just profile pictures, it's anything visual that is around me in my settings, especially my environment, its looks and 'feel' of the room start to cling and weigh heavy to me after a while. I wonder if part of this has to do with anxiety, or the fear of stagnant energy. I can totally see how this may seen not relatable to other people too, it doesn't logically make much sense.

I've often wondered, especially in the past, if I was a super materialistic person, just because I always wanted to be changed the looks of the living space I live in: The furniture, the pictures on the wall, the colors. Even certain colors seem to really agitate my mind after some time. Or the clothes that I have.

I can let go of this feeling when I'm traveling or walking in a new environment because there are so many new things around me, and I feel free. But back at home I sometimes feel this restless energy that I always want to be changing things around. What to stay happy with, what to change? How to stay happy with a look, a decision, an energy? That's the ever present question that's in my mind.

Do you have fun looking through new pictures that resonate with you emotionally? Or is the anxious feeling more present?

I feel like this thought extends to cleaning or decorating my room as well...usually I feel anxious and annoyed with my environment and trying to tackle it and I'll feel resistance to clean and change. But other times if I gather up inspirational ideas or a clear, energetically inspiring idea of 'what my room is going to look like', the process of changing my room can actually give me a sense of catharsis and clearing of emotions, in a way like I'm dream boarding or brainstorming inspirational ideas...that feeling. It can really go either way.

And going back to the profile picture, wanting it to change: I've always thought of it as 'oh the feeling is off', but I like what you said about it just not emotionally resonating anymore. I guess that highly sensitive people and people who's emotional states of feeling change rapidly, that a picture starts to feel outdated and misaligned real fast. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Myioko

[Preety_India]

14 hours ago, Myioko said:

@Preety_India

It's interesting hearing you write this out in words, because I don't hear it often, and a similar sentiment has been in the back of my mind for a while.

I usually don't feel content with my profile picture either, even though it's just a picture it does always have a 'feeling' stuck to it. 

Yes I do feel like some sort of an emotion is attached to my profile picture. Although others simply see it as a profile pic, I see it as something that has a life of its own. Funny how that works. But I can't help feeling it that way. To me every profile picture signifies a particular sentiment, event, mood, vibe, situation in my life, artistic or Aesthetic sentiment or value. I pay careful attention to what picture I select to use as a profile picture and its a deep sentimental process, sometimes it can be a fun gif, other times it can be a sad woman if Im upset or sad or going through a hard time. 

Sometimes I upload a picture and I'll be like, "ehh, this doesn't vibe at all or looks completely different from what I imagined to look like." 

 

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How it feels to me goes beyond just profile pictures, it's anything visual that is around me in my settings, especially my environment, its looks and 'feel' of the room start to cling and weigh heavy to me after a while. I wonder if part of this has to do with anxiety, or the fear of stagnant energy. I can totally see how this may seen not relatable to other people too, it doesn't logically make much sense.

I'm a super emotional person and I consider myself to be an HSP, highly sensitive person. I guess I can relate to how you feel yet most normal people won't be able to relate to that. It's almost as if I find a sentiment buried in everything I look at. If I look at a statue, I see a sentiment in it. If I bake a cake, it's because I was having a good day, if i look at a flower, I see some meaning in its color, I can see emotions and sentiments in people's faces, in colors, in objects, they convey some vibe, feeling, value, whereas to most people they're simply mundane objects. 

 

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I've often wondered, especially in the past, if I was a super materialistic person, just because I always wanted to be changed the looks of the living space I live in: The furniture, the pictures on the wall, the colors. Even certain colors seem to really agitate my mind after some time. Or the clothes that I have.

I never changed anything around me. But when I buy something, I make sure I really like it so I don't have to throw it away. I rarely refurbish or redecorate. With objects I'm less picky than with profile pictures. I think this is because I see general objects such as walls and furniture as emotionally distant from my inner self so I don't pay those objects much attention. A profile picture is associated with identity of a person and maybe for that reason it comes emotionally too close to my self or inner self. So I guess I tend to profile pictures a little more seriously than other things. I also suffer social anxiety and in real life I'm constantly trying to hide myself from other people. When people look at me, I get anxious and look in another direction. Also I'm too shy and introverted, so I pretty much remain cocooned in a shell of my own, rarely peeking out. This behavior is also reflected in my profile picture. I guess when people visit my profile, I get a bit self conscious and this awkwardness causes me to get a feeling that breeds the thought - "my profile picture must be weird and that's why people are visiting my profile, so I must change it." 

It's the social anxiety, shyness, Introversion contributing to feeling self conscious. 

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I can let go of this feeling when I'm traveling or walking in a new environment because there are so many new things around me, and I feel free. But back at home I sometimes feel this restless energy that I always want to be changing things around. What to stay happy with, what to change? How to stay happy with a look, a decision, an energy? That's the ever present question that's in my mind.

I suffer this as well. In my case, it's more about energy. I guess my profile picture is always hauntingly looking at me. Not having a profile picture is not an option because that would translate as "empty" or "zero identity" which is equally bad, so something has to be there for the sake of existing, yet every profile picture tends to emit an energy. This is the energy I tend to internalize while writing posts. So if the energy feels negative, it interferes with my writing and I immediately take down that picture. The profile picture stays up as long as it is giving the right kind of energy. Or it feels like it's out of touch with my inner energy and doesn't resonate any more. In a sense it literally turns into a catalogue or calendar of different aesthetic pictures that I put on rotation. 

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Do you have fun looking through new pictures that resonate with you emotionally? Or is the anxious feeling more present?

Yes definitely. Whenever I'm browsing online, if I come across a new picture, I'm like "this is how I'm exactly feeling like right now, I need this as my new look, this picture is so me," and I download it immediately and it's fun in the moment. Sometimes I download a whole set of pictures and keep testing them serially to see if they perfectly resonate with how I want it. I treat it as serious business. If I am not satisfied and even if the picture looks good enough, I take it down simply because it doesn't appeal to my emotions anymore. In this sense, I'm sort of a perfectionist. I'm a perfectionist even in my journal writing. I carefully choose my journal titles and topics. If something goes wrong or does not resonate, I scrape it off and restart the whole process. To me every word in the journal should be exactly how I wanted it, the same exact word and style gets reproduced the same exact way in every journal. You must have observed that my style stays the same with little difference here and there. That's why I'm not too verbose in my journals, every word is carefully selected and specific to what it should mean. This is some cumbersome labor but it is satisfying at least. 

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I feel like this thought extends to cleaning or decorating my room as well...usually I feel anxious and annoyed with my environment and trying to tackle it and I'll feel resistance to clean and change.

 

I do experience some resistance when it comes to changing . And God forbid if my mother even slightly placed some object in my room out of order, all hell breaks loose. I fight tooth and nail to have that object placed right back in the same place. It's like everything in my room has to be how I wanted it. Or else it agitates.. 

One day an insignificant box was missing on my table and I never used the box in almost a year. Yet I remembered somehow that something was missing, although I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt like something was moved or disappeared from its place. I asked my mother about it. When she told me that it was a box, I threw a huge fit, and I ran to the dumpster and searched through it and got it and placed it back on the table. It was just an empty box. But if it is in my space, I develop some sort of a connection with it. 

My mother and other people don't understand all this. It's complicated but I understand why I do what I do. 

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 But other times if I gather up inspirational ideas or a clear, energetically inspiring idea of 'what my room is going to look like', the process of changing my room can actually give me a sense of catharsis and clearing of emotions, in a way like I'm dream boarding or brainstorming inspirational ideas...that feeling. It can really go either way.

Yea. Me too. For me literally everything is a catharsis. Few people understand how emotions work. 

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And going back to the profile picture, wanting it to change: I've always thought of it as 'oh the feeling is off', but I like what you said about it just not emotionally resonating anymore. I guess that highly sensitive people and people who's emotional states of feeling change rapidly, that a picture starts to feel outdated and misaligned real fast. 

Yep. My feelings change very rapidly, not in a bipolar kind of way. But as is visible in most of my journals, my emotions are very extreme and direct. Journaling does help in keeping those emotions in place. It's the same with pictures. If the emotion is missing, the picture is outdated and not resonating anymore. 

 

Lately I have been tired of changing profile pictures. I changed it so much that I got sick of changing. I kinda need a break from constantly feeling agitated or "out of alignment." 

 So i have finally that I will use a few pictures on rotation depending on my mood, it can save my energy spent in searching for new ones. 

So i decided on these pictures and each of these will represent a certain mood and will be chosen as per the mood of the day /week. 

 

When I am generally in a happy mood, I'll choose this one. 

 

If I'm feeling dull, Melancholic or serious, I am going to use this, which I'm currently using. 

 

If I'm just angry or moody or being extra Introverted, this picture kinda vibes with that. 

 

 

If I am feeling peaceful, breezy and upbeat or just normal, I'll upload this one 

 

If I'm feeling playful, childish, less serious, if I want to fool around the forum a bit and pull someone's leg, I might use this kitty pic 

 

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

The current picture is peaceful and non threatening and it represents my true self that will peek out if everyone in my family stops controlling me. 

 

 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Preety_India