How to Communicate Effectively with a Narcissist?

[integral]

Trying to help a 13 year old navigate her living situation with her rapist, who has now been revealed to be a full narcissist. The situation is he comes home from work tired/stressed and takes it out on the family. She is the center of his focus, yelling/screaming in her face with insane demands and expectations (call me master and thank me when ever I speak, your coming to work with me 8 hours everyday and your going to do my job for me). She is emotionally destroyed by this in every way. 

I am working to get her father involved to save her, but its going to take sometime. So I've been teacher her how to communicate with the narcissist in the best way possible to minimize conflict and emotional pain as well as to help her communicate with her father about all this, that she is refusing to do.  

These are a few things she is slowly learning how to do, please give advice if you guys have any thanks! 

• To re-contextualize him as a child having a temper tantrum and to not take it personally. If a 4 year old is screaming, its not personal, but when a adult does it, it hurts, just a game of context! Hes a child in a adults body, don't be fooled. 
• To be aware of and avoid adding fuel to the fire while communicating with him. Always address everything calmly no matter how you feel. 
• Focus on thinking about what to say instead of reacting to what was said. 
• Stoicism. He feeds off of any little change in her tone of voice and takes it personally.
• To take a bigger picture of the situation while the situation is happening in real time. 
• Make him know that you understand how he feels, said calmly. 
• Its not about winning or being right, its about defusing the situation and waiting for the fire to burn out, its a temporarily outburst. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by integral

[Harlen Kelly]

@integral The solution is not to teach a 13 year old how to deal with a narcissist, the solution is to call the police. This is incredibly obvious. 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

Children of narcissistic parents either end up as narcissist themselves, or as door mats with no self-worth that keep attracting more narcissists into their lives.

The most responsible thing for you would be to get her the fuck out of there and get her into therapy asap before it's too late for her and she ends up marrying some narcissistic guy when she's older, or becoming a narcissist herself.

Narcissism is one of the hardest things to heal in a person, because they are so far withdrawn from the world around them that it's almost impossible (depending of the age of the narcissist) to reach them in their little hell hole. I mean it's possible, but it might take a LOOOOONG time. You don't have that much time if you want to help that girl.

[Nos7algiK]

So your solution to a 13 year old living with their rapist is to attempt to teach them high level psychology and stoicism? Call the police or try to have the father get the authorities involved. Stop trying to be a savior to her, just be her friend until the police can do something about this. Getting raped is far far worse than some narcissist verbally abusing you, though I can understand there is a parallel to those two.

You can not rationalize with a narcissist, it rarely ever works. Their ego defense mechanics are far more powerful and intertwined with their personality than a 13 year old could ever combat. The best situation is getting out of there and attempting to move in with a different family member by proving there is abuse happening at home.

Regardless, best wishes to her.

[Esilda]

@integral Oh my god, I have suffered severe trauma from more than one narcissist in my lifetime and I lost my childhood because of it. The remedy as lovingly boundaried as possible while also protecting yourself is to remove them from your life with the greatest of urgency. Their pure potential is just being absolutely compromised at this point, everyone being affected by that person is suffering the consequences of their presence.

[Arcangelo]

On 8/6/2021 at 9:42 AM, Khr said:

@integral If he raped her and you know about it, you need to call the cops and he needs to go to jail. You can’t coach a 13 year old how to navigate and “deal” with a personality disordered rapist, are you kidding? Full grown adults don’t have the capacity to manage them, the only solution is to gtfo. This girl probably has a lot of issues now too, she needs help herself, not to try to understand where the narc rapist is coming from..

agree

On 8/6/2021 at 9:48 AM, Harlen Kelly said:

@integral The solution is not to teach a 13 year old how to deal with a narcissist, the solution is to call the police. This is incredibly obvious. 

agree

 

On 8/6/2021 at 10:50 AM, Nos7algiK said:

You can not rationalize with a narcissist,

agree

100%

[JayT79]

On 8/6/2021 at 6:09 AM, integral said:

Trying to help a 13 year old navigate her living situation with her rapist, who has now been revealed to be a full narcissist. The situation is he comes home from work tired/stressed and takes it out on the family. She is the center of his focus, yelling/screaming in her face with insane demands and expectations (call me master and thank me when ever I speak, your coming to work with me 8 hours everyday and your going to do my job for me). She is emotionally destroyed by this in every way. 

I am working to get her father involved to save her, but its going to take sometime. So I've been teacher her how to communicate with the narcissist in the best way possible to minimize conflict and emotional pain as well as to help her communicate with her father about all this, that she is refusing to do.  

These are a few things she is slowly learning how to do, please give advice if you guys have any thanks! 

• To re-contextualize him as a child having a temper tantrum and to not take it personally. If a 4 year old is screaming, its not personal, but when a adult does it, it hurts, just a game of context! Hes a child in a adults body, don't be fooled. 
• To be aware of and avoid adding fuel to the fire while communicating with him. Always address everything calmly no matter how you feel. 
• Focus on thinking about what to say instead of reacting to what was said. 
• Stoicism. He feeds off of any little change in her tone of voice and takes it personally.
• To take a bigger picture of the situation while the situation is happening in real time. 
• Make him know that you understand how he feels, said calmly. 
• Its not about winning or being right, its about defusing the situation and waiting for the fire to burn out, its a temporarily outburst. 

Did you call the police? What's the update? I've experienced with a Narcissist (my father), the 13 yr old needs to be away from the abuser ASAP!

[Preety_India]

Basically contact cops. 

If not cops, then social services. 

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[integral]

@Preety_India @JayT79 @Arcangelo @Esilda @Nos7algiK @DefinitelyNotARobot @Harlen Kelly @Khr

It happened 3 years ago, she went to the police but didn't have semen evidence (she washed it away and regrets it). He was able to avoid jail time because of this (at least that's the story she believes). She cant and is resistant to communicate to her biological father about anything, I'm trying to change this. She also wont give me the number of her father so I can tell him directly. 

[Vzdoh]

you don't communicate with narcissists, you run...

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

@integral Isn't there a child protection service that can help you? I understand that you need "proof" in order to get the police involved, but where I live you don't need any proof in order to get the child protection service to help. They will help anyone that feels threatened at home.

[Esilda]

@integral such a beautiful act! I hope they sincerely appreciate your efforts! 

[Arcangelo]

3 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

you don't communicate with narcissists, you run...

agree

100%

[charlie cho]

Krishnamurti said something profound. Many times we have a narcissist in our lives is because we are in some way dependent on them. Krishnamurti says life does not put us in situations where we can "completely" be independent socially, politically, physically. But he said psychological, spiritual freedom is absolute. One has to be independent psychologically. One has to depend on the postman, the supermarket to operate well, but we should never let the annoying milkman, postman, our family member ever penetrate into our psychological freedom. So he says, if we are not financially free, we must put up with our bosses if we have no other option, put up with a narcissistic relative, but draw the line between them and your psychological freedom. They can put you in jail, beat you, destroy you, but your heart will remain yours, and that is what gives you power over them. 

I don't see any that is more profound and deeper than this method to deal with narcissist you are with 

 

Edited August 8, 2021 by charlie cho