Why am I getting neurotic about being a leader? It fucks me

[fopylo]

I am currently overseas with my family in Greece, and every time that we walk outside for a short trip, it's always my father at the front, then my younger brother, then me and then mom. What quite annoys me is that I am rarely after my father, as if my brother has some magical ways to just get in the second spot always, he's not even acting like a bully or anything.

Now before you start laughing at this and call it "childish", I can tell you it's a bit deeper, it obviously hurts me and makes me resent reality.

I think I have a belief that I can't be behind and be a follower. It makes me sick. It makes me sick to see how my brother is always next to my father and they know what's going on, where we're going and all of that.

I'm so sick and frustrated from this neurotic behavior that I dissociate and don't pay attention to what's going on and the plans and all that. Escaping reality and going to my mind where I knit-pick things to hate.

I'm sick of being a follower. How can I expect to be a leader in my life?

I am totally clueless. It deeply disturbs me, perhaps because I know deep down I came here to be a leader

[blackchair]

this is everything

[Eph75]

Well, you just said it yourself.

42 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I'm so sick and frustrated from this neurotic behavior that I dissociate and don't pay attention to what's going on and the plans and all that. Escaping reality and going to my mind where I knit-pick things to hate.

What if accepting that following is okay, it opens up for the freedom and space to shift towards becoming involved and engaged in ways where personal leadership is cultivated and allows leadership as a wider phenomena to emerge?

Desires mess with us in such elaborate ways.

Eliminating the underlying neurotic aspect of a desire, the freedom to do emerges - or - quite likely, simply diminishes the desire so there is no longer need to pursue. 

[fopylo]

13 minutes ago, Eph75 said:

What if accepting that following is okay, it opens up for the freedom and space to shift towards becoming involved and engaged in ways where personal leadership is cultivated and allows leadership as a wider phenomena to emerge?

@Eph75

Ok so let me understand. If I accept that following is ok then it will help get rid of neurotic thinking (that things should be differently, based on the idea that being a follower is not good, especially to people I don't want to feel behind), which will give me the space to think clearly, thus allowing myself to get involved and engaged in what's going on?

But I can't be a follower for most of my life, it still sickens me a slight bit even if I try to approve of it. Eventually I want to be a leader. I won't consider my brother much of a leader as if he'd learnt it or something, but it seems he does have some skill like being part of the plans, also he plays video games and he leads his team, and also has a YouTube channel with almost 6k subscribers. Quite found his niche.

Today I tried something new. So today I was focused on trying to be second in the row, I was like focused on the steps and all of those tiny things, really. Time wasted. My brother was just easy-ing through the walks, looking around and talking, and he naturally knew how to get to his spot. Ugh.. I had enough. I gave up. Maybe I sort of surrendered in this moment. Remembering Leo's most recent video, he talks about the importance of enjoying life by yourself for yourself without having to include others in your experience. I was following but I was trying to bask a bit in the mystery and magic of reality and got the feeling for a moment that I was enjoying it for myself. Trying to be the leader includes others in the equation, but once I took responsibility for this circuit of reward, I could get myself to feel more genuine happiness

[Eph75]

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

But I can't be a follower for most of my life, it still sickens me a slight bit even if I try to approve of it.

Lengthy as usual and pulling away from the perceived narrative. 

Approval has a distaste of giving in to the realization that the underlying desire can't or won't be met. A defeat of sorts - the stepping down a level on a hierarchical ladder in favor of other, or the approval that the step you stand on is your place to be, being not worthy, good enough, etc. to be elsewhere. 

Full acceptance of what is, rather is the removal of the notion of there ever having been a ladder to stand on to begin with, and that ladder being a construct of your mind. Without a yardstick that enables comparison, being is without subject of comparison. 

Replacing desire to be a leader or the desire not to be a follower, with a forced desire to be a follower ain't it, that's swapping one desire with another desire.

Detaching from our desires removes the categorization or labeling that define you as one way or another. 

That desire can still remain as a drive, but not being emotionally attached to it, and to outcomes that we want.

You'd just be a guy on vacation, enjoying the experience, not driven by neurotic behaviors and impulses arising from a negative mental space, not caught up with mental games.

Walking up to your dad and chatting with him would be just that, a chat, not a challenging of an hierechially established rank within the tribe that your family represents. 

Just a guy enjoying the scenary, and a conversation. 

What needs dropping to be able to be that guy?

11 hours ago, fopylo said:

I won't consider my brother much of a leader as if he'd learnt it or something, but it seems he does have some skill [...] 

Although this doesn't mean that he's not trying hard to be that for whatever reasons, we all go through our personal hells that we need to deal with, but it can also be the result of not being too much in his head about things, finding it enjoyible to participate with what going on with a positive attitude towards it.

People like that kind of ease of being, other people are also drawn towarda that, as such people radiates energy and positive vibrations, and such people are "offered" space to lead. Also natural leaders don't try to be leaders and being the leader isn't as important as it is doing what feels right, leading from within. 

Essentially you don't know where he is coming from, without actually exploring that (asking). But on the other hand, you'd be likely to be disappointed regardless of what you find out, as it's just creating more gap between your desired reality and reality as you perceive it - that discrepancy is what defines unhappiness, and the imagined removal of that gap, defines happiness. This not really being about him, but all about you. 

The paradox is that as long as we try to control circumstances to force reality towards our desired ideal of what reality should be, we're in for a bad ride, and a lot of hardship and suffering along the road. 

Getting entangled with external phenomena doesn't help us grow, that growth in an internal process of change. And it's not about chasing the fulfilling of every desire that arises. Yet, we are naturally drawn towards a path of suffering to such a point where we spontaneously reject the false beliefs that created that very suffering, replacing them with new beliefs, beliefs that hopefully takes us closer to truth realization and not deeper into dillusion, and more suffering. 

That's the rolling of the dice, and at that point of suffering, at the tipping point, rolling snake-eyes finally may bring about the confrontation of the actual snake - yourself. 

The solution is to address desire as a phenomenon not as an object to pursue. 

The question become how can you do so without first meeting eye to eye with the snake, and to bypass all that potential suffering?

Maybe you can't. I don't have an answer here. I certainly didn't bypass anything, racing full speed straight into my own imaginary stone wall.

The paradox is, that the less attached you become towards reaching desired outcomes, the less neurotic and forced the journey will be. And it's all about the traveling, not the getting there. There is no end station. That's our desires creating apparitions. You can still pursue doing, and outcomes still can happen, often more easily so, but they won't be linked to or coming from deficiency needs. 

Without desires, fewer desires, or less strong attachment to desires, we can still do stuff because it's enjoyible or supported by our current perspectives and values. With strong desires we approach the same forcefully and there is something on the stake in that process. Who we can be, and who we are, is much determined by how we can be in that moment.

Going on vacation isn't about leading, but it easily gets defined by such a deficiency need "to lead" and etches in as a less enjoyible experience, as you forgot about Being in that moment, and instead got caught up in your head about such things as who walked in what order, or whatever replaces that desire once you manage to overcome it.

Let go of such desires, not replacing it with a new desire, and you'd enjoy Being.

Where in line you walk no longer matter, first or last.

Introspection around the nature of desires helps becoming able to let go. 

Does it feel counterintuitive that from here, natural leadership is closer to hand, as self-leadership becomes realized? 

Edited August 3, 2021 by Eph75

[Matt23]

Imagine the possibility of getting to an internal space where perceiving your dad in front, then your brother, and then you, is no longer interpreted as you "following".  Imagine you being so secure in yourself that you cpukd be chained to your dad by your ankle amd you'd still feel empowered.  

K, that last example was dramatic, but I think it points to something real and is even a worthwhile goal to strive towards.

Perhaps better yet, imagine you no longer consciously even think of yourself as leader or follower and just are totally authentic and confident spontaneously and automatically.  You have no doubts about your value or worth or self-love such that even if your dad literally said to you "you are a follower and will never be a leader like me and your brother, you wouldn't care an inch. 

Basically, for external things to affect you, they have to have someplace to "land" internally.  Meaning, if you feel crappy when you walk with your family and aren't in the front of the line  (notice how "front of the line'' doesn't necessitate being a leader.  That's your interpretation), then that means there's something within you that's creating that meaning and perspectice and feeling.  

[fopylo]

@Eph75

I got that you said that detachment is key (if I'm not mistaken). I am quite a lot in my mind with this deficiency need to be a leader, rather than just being. And when I believe to be Being actually it is a forced desire to be where I am, like you described in the beginning, in not a good place. But it is still hard not to think in terms of 'leader' and 'follower'. It's hard not to think about any terms. You need them for talking about them and becoming aware of them in order to want to become a leader I believe.

Yeah so my brother is not really in his head, not the contemplative/thinking kind of person really. He is more easygoing and trying to find the fun in the experience. He really doesn't seem to be trying to be a leader, but rather engaging in the plans, thinking about what is being said, and making an offer/decision based on his own feel.

You also talked about desires. How can a desire be a drive without including any emotional attachment to it? How does it work.

Why shouldn't desire be an object to pursue, and instead just a phenomena to acknowledge? Won't it be most beneficial to go after the desire rather than suppressing it, or rather, letting go?

Why desires are important, and what are their purpose?

Could you elaborate on the last question?

[fopylo]

@Matt23

Very interesting what you said. The goal is actually to get to this state of the things I described happening (like imagining my brother and father in front) and feeling secure and confident and self-loved.

Yeah, I actually do feel quite crappy while being with the family because I'd rather spend that time being back home growing myself by myself without interference of family. I'm really scared of catching the virus there and being in isolation. I have 2 important parties I want to attend to which is way better than being stuck with family in Greece. Sorry, off topic.

But how do I get to this state of simply not being bothered by such circumstances? It obviously doesn't work by just thinking about what you and Eph7 said. Evidently I did the opposite, forced myself to be in the state that I am, with an underlying dissatisfaction. I probably don't have any idea of what you guys are telling me, in the sense of how it feels like, experience-wise, since I'm still stuck where I am and my ideas about what you guys are telling me is quite false.

[Eph75]

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

You need them for talking about them and becoming aware of them in order to want to become a leader I believe.

Most desires you don't need at all, and those that you need are very basic.

Specifically the desire to be a leader is not useful. There's no purpose in having a title that says "leader".

You don't need to talk about being a leader.

What matters is what we do, and what we do can result in others to define us as leaders. So it's looking at it backwards, focus instead on being and doing and leave room for the possbility of leader to happen. A by-product of being. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

How can a desire be a drive without including any emotional attachment to it? How does it work.

I have a deeper purpose and drive to help people in any way that can help them help themselves to improve their lives as they perceive it.

I can offer help as a product of that drive. I can also not worry about you being able to accept or transform this into tangible results. I have a strong drive to offer help, yet I am emotionally detached from the expectations of outcomes. You can call me an idiot and it would make no difference. I do what I do for the sake of doing it, because I can, and if you manage to shift even the smallest aspect of your life/reality towards a direction that you see being positive, that's great for you. In that process I recognize that you helping yourself makes me feel good, but it's not really a desire that you do, I don't worry about achieving that, nor identify with or get worn down from lack of positive outcome. 

All I can do is offer perspective and thoughts with as much clarity as I can, and outcomes may or may not happen. That's about it. 

If I were to be emotionally attach to this process, I would worry about not being enough, about being wrong or incorrect, about being judged and so on. The drive would make me do it, and the emotional attachment to reach imagined and desired outcomes would cause me to suffer while doing so.

Does that make sense? 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

Why shouldn't desire be an object to pursue, and instead just a phenomena to acknowledge? Won't it be most beneficial to go after the desire rather than suppressing it, or rather, letting go?

It depends on what kind of distinction you make between desires and needs, they can be conflated into one. We could also make distinctions between survival needs, such as food, safety and shelter, and deficiency needs defined by the desire to escape some perceived suffering, and finally becoming needs, the deep drive that make us pursue deeper understanding, developing as people and moving towards self-actualization, something that kicks in harder and harder the further you get on this path, as distractions from deficiency needs dissipate. 

If you have a desire to self-actualize, yes, why not pursue this? If that desire comes from feeling bad about everyone else seeming to self-actualize, but not me, and from fear of being left behind, or rejected from some social belonging, that's a deficiency need, and it will dictate the kind of solutions that we can see and pursue. If that desire comes from the curiosity of what is and knowing truth, that's a becoming need, and the kind of solutions we see will be very different and growth oriented. 

The one being an escape from suffering, and the other being defining growth. 

They can of course both lead to the same place, eventually, and they most likely will as long as you keep at it. Since detachment from deficiency needs happens prior to self-actualization, or during, as a part of that process. In that sense it will have to happen, otherwise it will inevitably form shadow aspects of that which we have suppressed and disowned, and which will come back to haunt us at a later stage, as well as prevent growth past a certain point. 

Supression creates those shadows.

Processing and letting go, free ourselves from the distraction and we can progress in our developmental journey. 

3 hours ago, fopylo said:

Why desires are important, and what are their purpose?

They keep us alive, they make us progress, the evolve us a people and our societies. They made us leave the safety of our caves to find more prosperous grounds, looking for a better life.

Without any whatsoever desire you wouldn't want to do anything at all.

Self-actualization is the deliberate focusing of the effort of pursuit, in a constructive, creative direction, realizing our inherent potentiality. This happening by releasing that which holds us back, that which limit us or distracts us. 

There's still a desire to self-actualize, to reach enlightenment, to awaken and so on, but getting there entails also overcoming this desire. 

Spotting desires that are deficiency driven and reshaping our efforts towards identifying the growth opportunities related to this deficiency will facilitate our growth.

Edited August 4, 2021 by Eph75

[Eph75]

2 hours ago, fopylo said:

I probably don't have any idea of what you guys are telling me, in the sense of how it feels like, experience-wise, since I'm still stuck where I am and my ideas about what you guys are telling me is quite false.

There can be only pointers and concepts.

We can believe in the concepts and fool ourselves, and at such degree that concepts turn into beliefs turns into dogma, and from where you can't tell the difference between belief and reality.

That of course not being it. 

Or, use the pointers, concepts as indicators loosely, accepting there being something else to find out, fuel to go further, to press on, to be curious and to experiment in real life, through introspection and through action and the contemplation of the new or different experience that follows, and noticing how the experience shifts based on understanding and expectations.

Then just keep going, let go of who you think you want to be and allow something more authentic emerge in that process. 

Describing the perceived destination (never an end station) is never as complete or correct as experiencing it yourself. And when you do, it will appear ridiculesly simple, laughably so. But that's not the case from where you see it, now. 

You maybe can't accept letting go of wanting to be a leader. But you can examine that feeling when it happens, not riding along with it but looking at it as if from a third person perspective, as if you were someone else, and make new sense as that is happening. 

If you procrastinate around the desire, that desire will grow stronger, and the discrepancy between desired reality and what is will exacerbate the suffering you experience in that process.

"Doing the work" is going through this process, and there are no shortcuts, but roadblocks can stall us for more or less time. 

Approaching it with an inefficient process, it takes more time, or you might get stuck running in circles. Approach it with a more efficient process and it will take less time than it would otherwise. 

The only desire you need is the curiosity to see what comes next, and keep going, until you reach a tipping point where it becomes seemingly effortless and essentially unfold itself, pulling you along with it, where it needs to go. That of course doesn't mean it won't hurt, because it will, development/growth is painful. 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Eph75

[Matt23]

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

But how do I get to this state of simply not being bothered by such circumstances?

Do you have any ideas?  Brainstorm some and see what comes up.

 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Matt23

[RendHeaven]

How old are you

[Alysssa]

You are a follower only if you see yourself that way. 

 

[fopylo]

@Eph75

On 8/4/2021 at 2:32 PM, Eph75 said:

What matters is what we do, and what we do can result in others to define us as leaders. So it's looking at it backwards, focus instead on being and doing and leave room for the possbility of leader to happen. A by-product of being. 

I don't know what to do though. For the last 2 days or so I've still been neurotic, but these times I was at least more honest with myself that it's me who's causing that problem and I also became more aware of this identity, me, which feels threatened and ocd.

On 8/4/2021 at 2:32 PM, Eph75 said:

Does that make sense?

Maybe. You like to play the game because the game is fun rather than to win. You are you and you are participating in the action of doing something you love rather than having yourself dependent on the outcome. Correct me if I'm wrong, although it still probably not help me get there.

 

On 8/4/2021 at 2:32 PM, Eph75 said:

 

On 8/4/2021 at 2:32 PM, Eph75 said:

If you have a desire to self-actualize, yes, why not pursue this? If that desire comes from feeling bad about everyone else seeming to self-actualize, but not me, and from fear of being left behind, or rejected from some social belonging, that's a deficiency need, and it will dictate the kind of solutions that we can see and pursue. If that desire comes from the curiosity of what is and knowing truth, that's a becoming need, and the kind of solutions we see will be very different and growth oriented.

I'm pursuing self actualization to escape the suffering because I don't want to suffer in life and I've been dealing with bad shit in my life. But also I'm quite curious to know what's out there. Ever since I was a very young boy I was very curious and was kinda spiritual in the sense I wanted to deepen my understanding, connect back to something, know something, but never knew what, back then... Now I'm starting to suffer less and connecting more to the curiousity I had as a child, becoming more of a child, although still have my own sufferings.

On 8/4/2021 at 2:32 PM, Eph75 said:

Supression creates those shadows.

Totally. I've been also noticing how much suppression occurred during the early stages of my development, now realizing more and more. I've been suppressing stuff because I still judge quitely quite a bit. I am thinking of doing a few Shamanic Breathing exercises when I come back and before I start camp.

I also want to add that in general when I'm in a group and there's at least one leader, maybe even two or three, then I quickly close myself in (not managing to really open myself up). Sort of giving up and escaping. I'm really ocd about and neurotic about those.

Also, I am starting to feel like I have a limit to my growth, at least currently. No matter how much I try to push myself to grow, there'll always be that one spot where I decide it's too much for me and I will back off by telling myself that I'm not ready yet and I need more training (spiritual work) to get over those fears and limitations. It's like I'm always on never ending missions I'm creating for myself, deluding myself.

[fopylo]

On 8/4/2021 at 2:55 PM, Eph75 said:

If you procrastinate around the desire, that desire will grow stronger, and the discrepancy between desired reality and what is will exacerbate the suffering you experience in that process.

So that's kind of what I'm doing. I'm trying not to fall into this neurosis. I still do, obviously, just told you about it what, like 3 days ago? And the longer I am in this neurosis, the stronger it gets, the more I suffer because of the discrepancy between desired reality and what is, perfectly said. So then how do I get out of this loop?

[Eph75]

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

Also, I am starting to feel like I have a limit to my growth, at least currently. No matter how much I try to push myself to grow, there'll always be that one spot where I decide it's too much for me and I will back off by telling myself that I'm not ready yet and I need more training (spiritual work) to get over those fears and limitations. It's like I'm always on never ending missions I'm creating for myself, deluding myself.

Well, that's just the nature of human development.

For one, development isn't linear.

Sometimes it's slowly but steadily moves forward with ongoing effort. As this happens it's not really always noticed/seen as development, the shifts are small and more or less taken for granted, unless able to become aware of such shifts, even in the slightest change of thought, or perhaps relation to emotion. It could be someone saying something that you accept as new without consciously registering it, but it adds to your overall meaning making. 

Other times development makes large leaps with specific new insights around such beliefs or blindspots that shifts large portions of what we previously held as true but that some key relevation has proven incorrect. These feel amazing, but they can also result in an off-putting feeling in the sense that they can make small shift feel nonsensical and trivial and the desire to achieve more such land-sliding leaps. These leaps are typically connected to significant challenges of ours. Pursuing more and greater challenges of ours offer more leaps. The bigger the challenge, the bigger the leap. You could say accelerating development is choosing to address the greatest challenges we know, and of course becoming aware of what challenges us. 

And finally, development does plateau now and again, seemingly coming to a halt. The awareness and acceptance that this is natural helps us to accept this when it happens, and it will, regularly so, and to keep pressing on with developmental practices. There's usually something we need to become aware of that we don't yet see, so keeping up awareness of what is happening, doing contemplation, introspection, self-inquiry, journaling and so on, the the next step will appear sooner or later. 

Life has a tendency to bring what we need at the time we need it/are ready for it. Situations will arise, and they tend to unfold in a certain order. We just need to be mindful of that moment and able to be willing to see in new ways, so that we are able to pickup on the hints and clues that allows us to push further. 

See how being neurotic and stuck in your head procrastinating a perceived problem shifts you away from what's is/growth opportunities and into your head staying stuck processing stuff that won't get you anywhere useful. That's a signal telling you need to pickup on, and to switching to introspection.

Maybe building a stronger introspection capability is a helpful step? I'm sure Leo has a video about that and there's heaps of resources elsewhere. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

And the longer I am in this neurosis, the stronger it gets, the more I suffer because of the discrepancy between desired reality and what is, perfectly said.

And this is existence pushing you closer and closer to a breaking point, a tipping point. It is your fuel to keep on pressing further.

And paradoxically, is till get worse before liberation, much like the contractions for a pregnant woman increasing in frequency and intensity, culminating with delivery of her child.

You're literally in the womb of life and going through the contractions and when it seemingly seems getting worse you suddenly may find yourself being shat out on "the other side". 

As with the pregnancy case, the awareness of this being a process and there being an amazing revelation at the end of that process makes the process tolerable. That faith help us keep going. 

You don't find it tolerable. It just hurts. Seems meaningless and neverending. And there's no guarantee of any delivery.

The best thing we can do is to let go, breath and flow with the process to not make it more painful than it needs to be. Still hurts though. But you know (believe) there's another side, but only if you are willing to let go of what you think is true right now, and willing to replace that belief with new ones. That being a part of the process. 

Don't be neurotic about your neurosis. If you are neurotic, consistenrly explore the content of that neurotic behaviors. Be aware when you build that neurosis up and stop, then consistently shift towards introspection. 

Building a good habit of breaking negative thought processes, and builds habit to switch to positive and constructive thought processes. 

18 hours ago, fopylo said:

So then how do I get out of this loop?

As you've figured out already, no one can tell you. If it was as easy as having someone tell you, psychological problems wouldn't exist. All these pointers and indicators is all you get. You need to do the hard labour. You can accumulate new pointers as your perspective shifts, and a rough path will manifest. 

Gaining the awareness and understanding that there is something true in these pointers, and the recognition that you don't get it and don't have the answers yet, that's a prerequisite to go further, allows for a more open mind that wants to accept shifts. 

Without that awareness, you'd stuck in believing what you experience is absolut, or can't change, and that you have to change to fit in, becoming leader material, being great at socializing and making friends, being a female attractor, and so on. This list of desires will be neverending building onto itself if going this route.

With that awareness, you have the ability to catch yourself in the moment of whatever it is that is stirring inside you, and introspect around what it feels like, where it feels, and what the underlying causes for you to feel that way could be, and finally release that though, only to start over with the next trigger. 

Introspection not being pracrastination on the problem, but like a detective examine the crime scene for hints and clues, patters matching previous similar event, common denominators, examining the trigger and where triggers might have first appeared, where social programming comes in, your own biases, judgements, and preferences, parental transference of behaviors and values, and so on, the aspects are endless. 

This will increase your awareness of self, to a deeper and deeper extent, and at some point you will be connecting dots previously not connected, and new dots will become visible. 

It's like a puzzle, trying to match pieces up so that you can see parts of the bigger picture. It's just that out of the box there are pieces missing that needs to be found. There are also pieces that are upside-down with the blank side showing. 

It's all about being curious to find... more. 

The expectation that others could give you an answer to your question is faulty. 

Only you can figure out which pieces of that puzzle is missing, and that will break that loop, at least this current loop, this time around, and you gain momentum, until you once again plateau. 

With all this said, you imply you having the awareness that you need to shift something in how you function and see things, and you imply that those pointers make sense to you, but not knowing what to do next.

That's perfect. 

Maybe all you need is the assurance that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and the unfolding of your reality is presenting you with plenty of opportunities to introspect and to try something new that challenges your current beliefs - you still do believe all that stuff that makes you suffer and that's keeping you stuck.

There are no simple answers or solutions. 

This is a process and there is no way you can skip to the end of that process. 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2021 by Eph75

[fopylo]

@Eph75 hmm.. I'll look more into introspection

[fopylo]

@Eph75

I just came back from the trip. I must say it was one of the more neurotic trips I've been to, but this is no surprise. In fact, almost every single trip with my family I was neurotic. They had a monumental impact on building my neurosis, and that's why I really don't like being with them. So it's just that I haven't been on a trip with my family for a long time which made it feel like the hard neurosis just kicked in all of a sudden, shaking me a bit. But since the last time I've been with them over-seas I've been getting into lot's of spiritual work, meditation, introspection.. This time what I had more was awareness of this neurosis. I see myself deeper. And thankfully, I have this forum for cases like that. Who knows where I'd be wandering like a slave in his own suffering with a newbie worldview.

But yeah, I'm actually relieved I got back home. Time to get back into the spiritual work. Time to get back to reading

[Goldzilla]

Wanna know what a true ALPHA is? 

He/she gives advice, laughs, encourages the group, and he/she will remain behind the group to defend the back. The alpha has people in front, trained by the alpha and trusty. 

In an event of something huge, only then the alpha will go in front and move the group directly, the majority of time he/she is steadyfast, calm and ready behind the scenes. 

 

Hope this helpes in a way.