Shame, Guilt and Apathy <---> Grief (David R Hawkins Scale of Consciousness)

[lmfao]

For some time, I've been in depression, and more recently in my life this past year or so and a bit a haze of dissociation. I'm very much unable to recall the past much or use my memory much, due to repressed feeling or however you phrase it generally. My sense of time, continuity in identity, memory, reality of the world, are in a haze and not in a good way. 


It hit me today for the first time in a while, that I am disconnected from emotion and feeling. I've been so disconnected from feeling that I forgot I even was disconnected. I've been barely able to or unable to cry anymore for example. But in this moment I am able to 

Your current emotional state, it colours your memory, awareness and knowledge. For whatever reason or in whatever way, my emotional state meant that I quite literally forgot or have no frame of reference for another state, even if they did happen in the past. 

I LITERALLY FORGOT that I was in this state, literally forgot what it is like to be or feel differently. Read those words and that sentence seriously, because they are very heavy and 100% literal. 

I can hardly believe I've only been in this extremely bad state for probably only 1-2 years, it honestly feels like forever. But I visited my old student accommodation recently, listened to old pieces of music on my playlist, and by luck/grace I saw a glimpse of my emotion again. 

My grasp over memory, time, continuity of identity and perception in this state of mine is so hazy that I really couldn't tell you how long exactly I've been in what place or state. 


The first thing that's came up for me was sadness, tiny amount of tears, but it felt good. That's when I remembered words I heard before, or a pattern I had seen before. I remember David R Hawkins saying once that the step above apathy was grief.

Grief as in regret and sadness over what you have lost, sadness over realising the cost of what you have lost out on. Below that level, you're not even conscious of what you're missing out on, you're not even aware. And that description, it perfectly makes sense to me now and I randomly remembered. 



I feel as though I've just seen a tiny drop of my grief, not even an atom's worth, not even scratching the surface. And this glimpse, its but a glimpse which is already fading and doesn't hold power over my current state. Even though it's a tiny glimpse, perhaps that small ray of self-awareness can wake me up again somewhat.
--

I'm not sure how much of my dissociated state is due to one of my high school best friends committing suicide almost a year ago now. Before he even committed suicide, I was already disconnected and dissociated from my past and from my high school years. And that was perhaps the cherry on the cake. I don't know why it happened, it came out the blue, and I had seen no reason to suspect such a thing would happen. 

I think what happened was that I felt guilty and panicked when the bad news came as well. I was/am disconnected from my past, so I felt even more unprepared emotionally or conceptually for it. I could hardly feel sad when the news came. The sadness came bursting forth around one of the days it happened. But after that I can't really remember, and the disconnection remains. 

NB: Okay I just remembered, my dissociations issues have been going on for at least 2-3 years in some form at least. But even when I go back that far, the issues weren't that bad, and I felt emotion more. 


When it comes to this scale of consciousness...Seems I'm dealing with stuff at the level of apathy and even further below. All in all, I'm grateful for this single ray of light I've seen, even if small 

Edited August 1, 2021 by lmfao

[Cathal]

This is really relatable especially because a guy I sometimes talk to recommended that book and recently I had really implemented it two times, really glued myself to a subtle emotion to the point in came in waves of grief and eventually dissipated into a very peaceful warmth. 

It does kind of throw everything into the haze. Time by so painfully slow, there is no consistent enjoyment hence the passing of time is so noticable I genuinely feel at 24 years old I have been here for way too long because I have been dissociated for like 6 years now. It's my baseline I guess surviving the onslaught of traumas. 

You start craving emotions, anything to work with. Give me perverted shame, give me primal rage, give me fucking empathy towards videos of cats on youtube. But I guess you also learn that whatever comes up is what you're ready to process and the expectations really take away the things you want a point.

I'm hopeful though that I could actually change although my suicidal ideation remains the pull of it is less it just kind of lingers in the backround, I have also very recently only realized what spirituality was. Within 5 months I was able to do quite a bit and had some genuine glimpses being fully present in my body. I have been pretty hardcore ever since I did psychedelics, before that my life was isolate>survive> play with hedonism. 

I think it's so fucking important to have a therapist, the mirror has helped me so much more than I thought. A lot of inner child work for me really pulls me out of the dissociation for a bit. There is so much pain in my body that now that I built trust with my therapist it surfaces up so fast, wish I could talk to her more than once a month. 

I also think the feeling guilty when expectating yourself to 'feel' is very important to be aware of. When you're dissociated, you cannot feel empathy. So when you're expectating yourself to be the person you were prior to dissociating you still haven't fully accepted this is what you're experiencing right now and prob just makes u feel shittier. Are you hypervigilant?

Going to write to you practically what has helped me in the last 5 months since I started to intentionally love myself (the positive stuff that works).

 

Holotropic breathing (if not your thing) Wim hoff method 3 rounds in a row does it

Metta Meditation + ofc just meditation

Running on the spot till I cant move

Cold exposure

Yoga...? When I actually follow a real hatha yoga instructor it works

Talk therapy

Social interaction during the 'glimpses' where your heart is open more can be quite intergrating. 

 

Ultimately doing psychedelics has shown me this dissociation is just like another wall of protection, it's not like a deep loss of body or mind where you're floating around like a ghost but it's simply a more intense state of protecting what you're identified with. If I could change anything or recommend something is change your environment and who you surround yourself with (if anyone, when possible) with non triggering folk. 

Can't rush it, take it easy but keep taking it as it presents itself. It sucks but... those glimpses are so sweet can you imagine how much ecstacy is waiting for you?