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Shiva99

Married coworker fucked up situation

18 posts in this topic

A while ago i developed "feelings" for a married coworker, and started contemplating on why this was happening to me. I came to the conclusion that i felt and still feel undeserving off a woman that is single and available. I noticed this was a recurring theme in my life, where i would become attracted to a woman that is either married or already in a relationship. I digged deeper, and also found out some insecurities i was having about dating and woman in general. Because of my new insights, i was able to act "normal" again like nothing happend, and just started seeing her as a normal coworker/friend, not thinking about her in a romantic way, or anything like that. In the meantime we kept talking to one another, and everything was totally fine, untill she was the one who started flirting with me.

At this point it's pretty fucked up, as we are calling eachother honey etc. daring eachother to  kiss etc.  It also seems like all the barriers are gone from her side. Yesterday we started joking around about meeting up at the coffee machine for a kiss (so no one could see us).  I almost went for it, but changed my mind in the end. I'm glad i didn't do it, but i'm seriously worried that if she actually comes up to me , i won't be able to hold myself back anymore and do it anyways. 

In the end this always has a very bad aftertaste, and i feel like shit about it. I just can't seem to contain myself in the moment, and enjoy her attention whenever i'm at work, only to feel like shit and completely lonely at the end of the day.

I'm allowing myself to feel like shit, and i'm trying to heal this wound, but it's not working out too well. I've been crying a little every now and then, making contact with the wound that is obviously there, but it doesn't seem to help at all. At times it feels like a huge ball of energy surrounding my belly area. What can i do about this?

 


Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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Posted (edited)

22 minutes ago, Shiva99 said:

What can i do about this?

Ehm, about the work situation, or your wound?

If it's the latter, then you should have provided details of how you came to feel undeserving of a relationship. Is it rooted in childhood? Adolescent experiences? Bullying? Inherited karma? Something else?

That's really all that matters. Knowing where it comes from, and healing that.

 

This work colleague is in just as bad a place as you are, or she would not act this way.

Her purpose in your life is to remind you that you've got stuff to figure out and heal.

Maybe your purpose in her life can be to remind her that she's got stuff to figure out and heal.

 

That's the only good that can come of this. If you actually help her cheat on her husband, it won't lead to anything good. No healthy relationships ever start from such a low place of emotional problems and infidelity. And it would be bad karma, that can come back to bite you. One day when you have a relationship, you could suffer with paranoia that your wife gets seduced by a coworker. Because you did this today. That's how karma can work.

And you may have to fight her husband when she regrets it and tells him. Sounds like a lot of downside no upside to me.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Posted (edited)

If you feel like shit afterwards then to me, your boundaries are clear and all you have to do is to respect them.

Reality is shit-testing your understanding of your wound and the willingness to heal it. Don't fuck it up by getting involved with a married woman if it makes you feel like shit.

Edited by tsuki

The true heresy is hearsay.

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Meet the best of some free freeware. Be wiser than your colleague. Do you need problems at work later?

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You should not start an affair at work, and even with a non-free colleague.

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Posted (edited)

On 29-7-2021 at 5:33 PM, flowboy said:

Ehm, about the work situation, or your wound?

If it's the latter, then you should have provided details of how you came to feel undeserving of a relationship. Is it rooted in childhood? Adolescent experiences? Bullying? Inherited karma? Something else?

That's really all that matters. Knowing where it comes from, and healing that.

I've been bullied a lot when i was a child. I would say my self esteem was almost non existent about 10 years ago. Also had horrible social anxiety, and i couldn't even get groceries for myself. Right now i would say the anxiety at it's worst is at max 2/10.

Also my last relationship which was like 5 years ago, was pretty toxic. I think this one contributed a lot to my wound. I was the giving one in it, and never really received anything in return. Mostly because my ex her parents were not accepting of our relationship and me, we were having a lot of issues. They were the type of parents that had an ideal boyfriend for their daughter in mind, and i didn't meet the requirements. Because of this, my ex always had to lie to her parents to meet up with me etc. I never knew when i was going to see her again after meeting up. This frustrated the hell out of me back then.Actually now that i just wrote this down, i'm not so sure anymore if that relationship is the biggest contributor, because i remember already feeling especially bad by not hearing back from random girls i met in a club on a night out etc. This was before i had any relationship at all, and back then i  was always overreacting when a girl would reject me or didn't call/text back. To this day i still have this problem. I instantly doubt myself when i don't hear back from a girl, when obviously there could be a million different reasons for it. In the end i always think it's me. 

At last my father was emotionally dead, and he never showed any emotion. The only time i saw him cry a bit was when his mother died. In all other occasions he never shed a tear, and was always "numb" to it. When i was a child and i would show emotion, he would tell me to stop it, or he would walk away etc. I can't even remember him hugging me or him hugging my mom etc. I never even saw him give her a kiss... At the moment i also have this problem. I'm unable to give my mom a kiss on the cheek. Hugging her is also something i'm unable to do for some reason. When my mother tells me she loves me, i'm unable to say it back... It's seriously fucked up. Something holds me back from doing it.

Edited by Shiva99

Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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Posted (edited)

That's some tough stuff. Good thing that you're insightful about it.

This is in my opinion not trauma that you can just move on from. Letting the past be the past, is not the right approach, because the past is controlling your present and your future.

It needs to be revisited and reprocessed. Preferably with professional help.

Once you lift some of that baggage, finding and feeling deserving of a healthy relationship will be a lot easier.

What kind of therapies are you looking into?

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Posted (edited)

12 minutes ago, flowboy said:

That's some tough stuff. Good thing that you're insightful about it.

This is in my opinion not trauma that you can just move on from.

It needs to be revisited and reprocessed. Preferably with professional help.

Once you lift some of that baggage, finding and feeling deserving of a healthy relationship will be a lot easier.

What kind of therapies are you looking into?

How do i revisit and process it on my own? I don't wanna get into therapy again right now. 

I thought meditation would be good, but it seems to make it worse atm. I've been meditating for an hour every morning, but it always results in crying these last days. I doubt it's even healthy at this point.

Edited by Shiva99

Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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Posted (edited)

The meditation results in crying that feels better after like a release, or not so much? 

Sit down and make a list of self-care, fun things to do.  Sounds like the numbest idea ever for this problem, but it can change your outlook on everything. Make one and make it a point to do the things on the list, like 2 or 3 a day. Ideas are look up and listen to old music you love but haven't heard in forever, a web comic you used to love, go to some nature spot you've always wanted to see, etc. Write down anything inspiring or fun that comes to mind.

My other suggestion if it's possible and feels right (after doing the first thing perhaps) is to stop avoiding the co-worker. Don't flirt, don't touch her, don't fuck around, but have a real honest conversation about what's going on. People often flirt and stray because their core desire is to reconnect with their true selves. The desire at heart is very pure, which is why judging it and judging yourself for partaking feels terrible. However, the acting it out, the kissing, the flirting is avoiding what's actually wanted. Both of you are simply wanting to know your true worth, and how loved you really are. Lines don't have to be crossed to realize that there aren't actually any lines separating you from what you want. 

Which comes back to my original suggestion, as you move in the direction of happiness, appreciation and fulfillment, opportunities will arise for you that aren't off limits. Meditation is a wonderful practice to let go of resistance and allow the good that we are, but if we're doing it with the assumption that "I must fix myself, purify/perfect myself and make these problems go away", you draw more lines, more separation, more limitation and more focus on unworthiness. 

 

 

Edited by mandyjw

My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Posted (edited)

5 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

How do i revisit and process it on my own? I don't wanna get into therapy again right now. 

That's too bad, because I really think that going on some sort of therapy retreat could do a lot. I've had good success with primal therapy, which was only 7 days of intense work after which I just felt permanently better. But there's other retreats you could take, some specific for men, others mixed. Family constellation retreats exist, I hear good things about that. Healing is best done in groups, I really believe that.

 

Meditation is good, but you need something stronger, it seems.

Have you tried breathwork? Leo has a video on "shamanic breathing", I recommend to do that, but a bit slower than in his example, and breathing through the nose, and put on the right music. 30 minutes should be enough.

Also, his trauma release exercise might work for you. Give it an hour and report back what happens for you.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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Posted (edited)

19 hours ago, mandyjw said:

The meditation results in crying that feels better after like a release, or not so much? 

Yes, but i doubt it is healthy to do it everyday, which is kinda what is happening lately.

19 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Sit down and make a list of self-care, fun things to do.  Sounds like the numbest idea ever for this problem, but it can change your outlook on everything. Make one and make it a point to do the things on the list, like 2 or 3 a day. Ideas are look up and listen to old music you love but haven't heard in forever, a web comic you used to love, go to some nature spot you've always wanted to see, etc. Write down anything inspiring or fun that comes to mind.

I will try this out thanks.

19 hours ago, mandyjw said:

My other suggestion if it's possible and feels right (after doing the first thing perhaps) is to stop avoiding the co-worker. Don't flirt, don't touch her, don't fuck around, but have a real honest conversation about what's going on. People often flirt and stray because their core desire is to reconnect with their true selves. The desire at heart is very pure, which is why judging it and judging yourself for partaking feels terrible. However, the acting it out, the kissing, the flirting is avoiding what's actually wanted. Both of you are simply wanting to know your true worth, and how loved you really are. Lines don't have to be crossed to realize that there aren't actually any lines separating you from what you want.

This will be hard, especially since she is starting to get really comfortable initiating contact with me first. I don't know why i'm so obsessed with her tbh. It's kinda annoying, knowing that she is probably not even nearly thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. Maybe i'm not even on her mind at all lol. Right now she's probably enjoying her husband at home etc. Hurts like hell even thinking about it, and it doesn't even makes sense that i'm now actually starting to miss her outside of work too. Why me...

Edited by Shiva99

Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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16 hours ago, flowboy said:

That's too bad, because I really think that going on some sort of therapy retreat could do a lot. I've had good success with primal therapy, which was only 7 days of intense work after which I just felt permanently better. But there's other retreats you could take, some specific for men, others mixed. Family constellation retreats exist, I hear good things about that. Healing is best done in groups, I really believe that.

Oh, you mean retreats. I will check it out sometime, but i think I might go and see a therapist again instead, anywhere in the upcoming months. 

16 hours ago, flowboy said:

Meditation is good, but you need something stronger, it seems.

Have you tried breathwork? Leo has a video on "shamanic breathing", I recommend to do that, but a bit slower than in his example, and breathing through the nose, and put on the right music. 30 minutes should be enough.

I'm scared something might go nasty wrong with the shamanic breathing tbh. Probably nothing bad will happen, but it scares me.


Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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3 hours ago, Shiva99 said:

I don't know why i'm so obsessed with her tbh. It's kinda annoying, knowing that she is probably not even nearly thinking about me as much as i am thinking about her. Maybe i'm not even on her mind at all lol. Right now she's probably enjoying her husband at home etc. Hurts like hell even thinking about it, and it doesn't even makes sense that i'm now actually starting to miss her outside of work too. Why me...

So this is the secret to the universe, the secret to love, enlightenment, meditation and transcending suffering. Everything you want is hidden here, on all subjects. Why me? My GOD, YOU IMPOSSIBLY LUCKY SON OF A BITCH. Why me, he asks? Alright here it is, gloss over it if you want, it'll hit you time and time again. Alright here we go.

There is love, the actual only now feeling of love, and there's a thought or idea of love. The thought of love is not love.

This is why forbidden relationships suck and also have the immense potential to point this out to us (as well as losing a loved one, but that's another topic). You're in this situation. "I love her!" "I can't love her!" "I'm bad to love, her, evil to love her, I'm stupid to love her." "I must avoid this love, I can't let myself love her, oh damn, I can't, I love her, I'm obsessed with her!" 

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. 

You love her.

Cool.

Love her right now. Does it hurt? That's ain't love. You don't love her. Did you think love hurts? Contrary to all the dramatic song lyrics, love doesn't hurt, that just isn't love, it's suffering. Not sure how we all got that wrong, but we all did for the most part. Love actually feels good. Huh, what a revelation.

If it hurts to love her you love her like Voldemort loves Harry Potter. If it feels amazing you love her like JK.Rowling loves Harry Potter. 

 You don't love her. The problem is, you don't love her. You're trying so hard not to love her and you already don't love her.

You're allowed to love her, and yourself cause in love there just aren't two, just like there isn't an actual Harry Potter outside of the book. 

You're starting to realize this, the unconditional, already here profundity of love. There have been a lot of misunderstandings. What do you think the tears are? Where do you think those misunderstandings go? They get released. 

You're perfect. Everything is going well here, and you are so SO loved. Loving, love ITSELF, here now, endlessly. It's ok. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

So this is the secret to the universe, the secret to love, enlightenment, meditation and transcending suffering. Everything you want is hidden here, on all subjects. Why me? My GOD, YOU IMPOSSIBLY LUCKY SON OF A BITCH. Why me, he asks? Alright here it is, gloss over it if you want, it'll hit you time and time again. Alright here we go.

There is love, the actual only now feeling of love, and there's a thought or idea of love. The thought of love is not love.

This is why forbidden relationships suck and also have the immense potential to point this out to us (as well as losing a loved one, but that's another topic). You're in this situation. "I love her!" "I can't love her!" "I'm bad to love, her, evil to love her, I'm stupid to love her." "I must avoid this love, I can't let myself love her, oh damn, I can't, I love her, I'm obsessed with her!" 

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. 

You love her.

Cool.

Love her right now. Does it hurt? That's ain't love. You don't love her. Did you think love hurts? Contrary to all the dramatic song lyrics, love doesn't hurt, that just isn't love, it's suffering. Not sure how we all got that wrong, but we all did for the most part. Love actually feels good. Huh, what a revelation.

If it hurts to love her you love her like Voldemort loves Harry Potter. If it feels amazing you love her like JK.Rowling loves Harry Potter. 

 You don't love her. The problem is, you don't love her. You're trying so hard not to love her and you already don't love her.

You're allowed to love her, and yourself cause in love there just aren't two, just like there isn't an actual Harry Potter outside of the book. 

You're starting to realize this, the unconditional, already here profundity of love. There have been a lot of misunderstandings. What do you think the tears are? Where do you think those misunderstandings go? They get released. 

You're perfect. Everything is going well here, and you are so SO loved. Loving, love ITSELF, here now, endlessly. It's ok. 

Hey thanks. I've been reading this a couple of  times but i think i don't really get it. Loving her right now doesn't completely hurt me. It only hurts me because i know she's most likely not gonna give me what i need and want. It also hurts because i wanna ravash her with my love, and this situation won't let me. I feel like i wanna penetrate her with it, literally and figuratively. It might sound crazy but that's what i feel right now. I want to make her feel good and see her face in total enjoyment, all because of me. 

I don't understand why you are saying i don't love her and that i'm trying so hard not to love her and i already don't love her, when i actually do.


Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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20 minutes ago, Shiva99 said:

I don't understand why you are saying i don't love her and that i'm trying so hard not to love her and i already don't love her, when i actually do.

 

20 minutes ago, Shiva99 said:

all because of me. 

It seems that you're looking to release a sense of lack of love. It doesn't have much to do with her, it has a lot to do with you and she just sure as hell is making it obvious. It's right there, "all because of me." So this is why the woman that you're fixated on being key to this release is also off limits. It's by design. 

Please don't read in any sort of guilt or shame in that, the intent is to become aware of your own power, your own inherent connection and being as love. Love feels like love, that's what I'm saying. Don't settle for or believe anything less. The whole story around the situation of being handicapped, or cut off, self shaming, is blocking love. Love is not a situation. Tap into the actual sense, connection and feeling of love and your actions and events will align. 

 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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On 1-8-2021 at 7:13 PM, mandyjw said:

It seems that you're looking to release a sense of lack of love. It doesn't have much to do with her, it has a lot to do with you and she just sure as hell is making it obvious. It's right there, "all because of me." So this is why the woman that you're fixated on being key to this release is also off limits. It's by design. 

Yes, you are probably right. 

 

On 1-8-2021 at 7:13 PM, mandyjw said:

Love is not a situation. Tap into the actual sense, connection and feeling of love and your actions and events will align. 

How tho? Easier said than done.


Love yourself into the person you want to become ❤

If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand.

Life is not a spectator sport. Wake up! -  HL 

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@Shiva99 Actually, you're already doing it. Your heart beats and your blood circulates and you don't have to do anything about it. The sun shines and the earth turns, and trees make oxygen and you don't have to think of it. Meditation is sinking into that sort of allowance of power in a more general, profound way. In a way that completely envelopes and transforms our thoughts and emotions. Our Awareness and being is that love, all the time. 

You just got this teeny, tiny in the grand scheme of things, thing going on that makes it seem like that's not how things are. 

When that happens it's like opening too many programs, (too many things) on your computer and getting it bogged down and frozen up. Just turn it off and then back on again. We have practices to do this, for example what I suggested above of making a list of stuff you enjoy, meditation, time in nature, are all ways that help us drop the illusion of separation of our inherent well being, or resistance to it. Whatever seems right and calls to you and helps you connect with that is the way.

Remember, love feels like love. You gotta be your own lover, and then the world is your oyster, not just an empty stomach in a garden full of forbidden fruit. Maybe it's not just this one dramatic situation you feel this way about, maybe it's many in subtler ways. Once we start to notice the little ways we do this it becomes almost humorous. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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Hey dude. I hooked up with an engaged coworker 3 years ago. It ended with me having to defend myself in a fight with her fiancé and I got fired. 

Not proud of this in the slightest. I was naïve. Not telling you what to do but this is an example of how situations like this can end.

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