SamC

What does intimacy mean for girls?

47 posts in this topic

10 hours ago, Lucas-fgm said:

The fact what most women says they are attracted to something totally different from what they actually are, annoys the hell out of me.

@Lucas-fgm I feel you bro but regardless if they can't understand that or not, we as men can seek to understand them. See they may or may not underdstand men's struggles, we can't control that.

Woman don't want an asshole, but they are attracted to them, just like men don't want a hot 10 psychopath girlfriend eventhough we might be attracted to her because she is hot.

There is something core attractive in a asshole guy that makes them attractive to females but that doesn't mean that they want them. Ideally they want a feminine bad boy, like Damino in Måneskin that makes them feel safe. They want men who have integrated both sides!

 


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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9 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@SamC sam I did not ignore your question. I thank you deeply for asking it.

Right now I'm going through some crisis regarding the stuff going around in the dating section so my mind is not in the best place to give a thoughtful answer. 

I would really need some time to relax and then think carefully instead of wasting this opportunity in giving an impulsive answer.

So I would want you  to please wait and have patience with me and at a later point in this week I will surely answer your question.

I'll be back to your question/thread a bit later but surely I'll take out time to answer. Right now my mind is too stressed.

Thanks for understanding.

 

No worries. Hope you'll feel better soon!


"Sometimes when it's dark - we have to be the light in our own tunnel"

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Many people understand intimacy as emotional contact.
 

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7 hours ago, SamC said:

Thank you!

Furturmore I sometimes hear you make an anecdote that females desire masculine containment, almost like that the masculine is a shell for the femine to exsist in. How is this related to intimacy and female sexuality?

@Emerald

The world at large tends to be very masculine oriented. And it isn't always the safest to be in your vulnerable feminine energy.

So, when you're with a man who can really hold you give you containment, it allows you (as a woman) to soften and to take the armor off. It enables you to be in your feminine energy where you can surrender and let go. And it just feels really warm and nice. 

Also, female sexuality is a bit like retrograde.

Generally, in day to day life, there is goal orientedness and survival and action and forward movement. And this is what it takes to be able to make a life.

But when you're with a man that you feel safe with and are attracted to, you go into retrograde. And your survival concern reverses. And that which feels most secure (in the survival sense) is to be soft and surrendering and to just let yourself receive... when in other contexts, it just doesn't always work out so well. 


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3 minutes ago, Windappreciator said:

@Emerald It' also loving the vulnerabilities of another.

Yes, that too. 


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@Lucas-fgm What you're talking about is something that sits inside you which you have denied, because you fear you won't get the love you want for letting it out.

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1 hour ago, Lucas-fgm said:

If a guy doesn't have assertiveness, leadership.

I think you need to be assertive but non emotional or lacking in depth.

 


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@Lucas-fgm Focus inside yourself not on me. That what you call healthy is a denial within you of that you call unhealthy. Don't torture it any longer, it needs you.

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Posted (edited)

@Lucas-fgm That is so interesting and yet sad.

It is not my intention to hurt you.

Look inside you. You may find something you have tortured for too long.

I only wish it well.

Edited by Windappreciator

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Posted (edited)

I feel like I have absolutely no idea how to answer this TBH, but I'll try.

It just means having a bond or feeling kindred to in some way. Whether sexual, romantically/ emotionally, touch-based intimacy (not necessarily sexual), and also very much intellectually as well. Like being able to click and flow at a conversational level where you just mutually get each other and there is that undercurrent of “connection” that is very visceral too.

This... it isn't really that gendered of thing, is it?

Some people you're just naturally more compatible with others because you're more capable of having a shared perspective, and if you're both open to it, maybe you do.

I can feel intimate with people that I don't exactly feel the safest with (or I can feel safe with them in some ways, but not in others), and maybe it tends to be more of a temporary intimacy. Intimacy isn't necessarily stable. It's just a connection that is “true” for both parties, for however long it lasts. Like a mutual, shared understanding.

I suppose it's like having the space to be with each other.

I... don't really think of it as just something being done onto me or something that I wait for, or just happens to happen to me. I don't relate to that.

Edited by modmyth

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, Lucas-fgm said:

But it doesn't mean being a super emotional guy, spineless.

Why do you associate being super emotional with being spineless?

Edited by RendHeaven

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Posted (edited)

I think intimacy starts from the will to be open and to be emotionally generous in a non expectant sort of way, and from there, the willingness to see and feel someone truly. To find or create commonalities or a shared bond.

Perhaps someone does this for you first, they see you first, or maybe you make the first step and then they reciprocate. I don't distinguish too much ultimately.

But the depth of it varies greatly, of course.

Just generally: feeling wanted and being open to sharing that desire, both sexually and in other ways. I feel that in my own case, most of the heavy lifting is done sexually especially. That and just generally giving me enough space, which would come from understanding my needs for space/ relative autonomy. I like to feel like I have the "choice" to be with a man and I like to have the space to return and come and go (as long as the feeling/desire is actually there and expressed) without him trying to suffocate or control me. Also, just general respect for my person, time, energy, etc., goes a long way.

Edited by modmyth

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@Lucas-fgm

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Hey these are stereotypes and very harmful ones

Bingo^

It's true that being super emotional may correlate to being spineless.

But, being super emotional is also perfectly compatible with having a spine.

So at least from my POV, it's not very meaningful to maintain a strict association between emotions and spinelessness.

What'dya think >:)

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Just now, RendHeaven said:

@Lucas-fgm

Bingo^

It's true that being super emotional may correlate to being spineless.

But, being super emotional is also perfectly compatible with having a spine.

So at least from my POV, it's not very meaningful to maintain a strict association between emotions and spinelessness.

What'dya think >:)

My father was a super emotional guy. He is no more in this world. 

I will never call him spineless. 

My mother was pregnant with me and wanted to go to the hospital but couldn't walk.

My father requested his boss for a day's leave on medical family urgency.

The boss didn't allow. So my father ripped out his belt and threw it on the table and said "I won't have a job that hurts my wife."

The boss got impressed with my father's bravery and defiance and told him that he could take my mom to the hospital.

I learned this defiance from my dad. He used to cry a lot during family gathering or emotional events.

But he was the bravest man I'll ever know.

He was a military man. I salute him. 

He cared for his wife all his life

 

 


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To op question

@SamC

This is my definition of intimacy. I wrote this letter(it contains my personal pain)  to be addressed to those who taught me what intimacy should be by their bad behaviour  and it contains details of what I think is how genuine intimacy should appear. 

Letter-

No false signals of fondness <-- very important line.

People have used this technique on me for a long time.

I fall for it because I'm emotionally weak and fragile. 

But no more. I need to be strong. 

No more false flags. They try to be sweet to me and then push me away. I have dealt with this a lot. And then suddenly talk to me the next day like nothing happened. I have a lot of people who do that. 

Why don't I just cut them out. That way there will be peace.

They try to show superiority to me. Treat me like a kid.

Show me nice side and then act rude or whatever.

Then again when I try to walk away, chase me around and show me food. I'm not a poppet.

I need to work on my self esteem and show how powerful I am.

It's like taking advantage of my softness and weakness.

Trying to be nice to me when they know I'm feeling mad. Chasing me later constantly. Putting me down at every opportunity and then acting like they are actually helping me. I'm not saying they are bad people but they want some sort of power on me, I attract them because I give them power, I become their supply, I make them feel good, but it's actually my own trauma response. I act through it. This is entirely my fault and my mistake and nobody should cry except me. I should identify this pattern and stop attracting it by not feeding it, if someone is being lousy, show them that, get up from the chair and walk away to the bedroom and shut the door and never open it. There is no need to cry but it's okay to shed a couple of tears. It's about vulnerability. Whenever I'm vulnerable this always happens, I attract the same type of people all the time, they will be nice to me, dominate me and then start taking advantage. But act like they care about me. I'm a sucker, I'm a fool. Because every time I fall for this. I need people who will uplift me and be supportive. Not like up and down,one minute nice and next minute ...party changer. Also direct. Always there like a strong person, sensitive to my needs, giving me affection and care and respect all the time, not constantly holding it back and switching it and then making me fall for it like a fool. Using my emotions to play with my heart strings. Making me Emotional all the time and then insulting me when I'm trusting. Emotional player. I will never find peace with them although they act like protector. I'll find peace with those who truly care and create trust. Trust is the word I should not forget. People who care create trust, so you don't feel confused, unusual or upset. With that trust you can always open up to them, it's not abusive intimacy. It's a strong trustworthy intimacy where you can open up to that person without fear and without ridicule and without shame, they support you as you go along.they are not being mule or passive or sucker for your affection,just being straightforward and respectful. They respect you and that's why they are honest to you and so they won't break your trust, they won't lie to you, they won't betray you. Such a person is trustworthy and is allowing intimacy to happen. So you don't risk being hurt by betrayal. They allow openness because they themselves reflect kindness and generosity and not selfishness and lack of empathy or disregard. That's how they create space for deepest intimacy to evolve.

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

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