Jon_Bundesen

Should you have sex just to satisfy a need?

29 posts in this topic

@Leo Gura 

34 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

She's not going to have sex with you unless you build a good rapport.

Good rapport? Like being handsome, Not shy, Masculine, etc.? 

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Posted (edited)

10 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@Leo Gura 

Good rapport? Like being handsome, Not shy, Masculine, etc.? 

Definition from Wikipedia is surprisingly well formulated:

Quote

Rapport is a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned are "in sync" with each other, understand each other's feelings or ideas, and communicate smoothly.

:D

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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@flowboy Thanks!

Is there any way that I can show her without telling her I just want to have sex with you?

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Posted (edited)

18 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@flowboy Thanks!

Is there any way that I can show her without telling her I just want to have sex with you?

Just don't be showing or telling her that you want a relationship with her. Don't proclaim your fake love for her and you'll be fine. Only when she asks explicitly, should you tell her that in words.

Let her know that you're potentially sexually interested in her by casually touching her in non-creepy places while you talk to her, like hands, forearms, maybe thighs when sitting down. Holding her waist when standing nose to nose and talking with her is good. Lead her around by her hand. Arms around her, hugs, stuff like that. Do it casually while you talk to her. Don't draw attention to your physical moves, that will be awkward ;) And take a step back when she seems uncomfortable with it.

I would focus on hanging out, getting to know each other a bit, and when there seems to be rapport and both of you feel relaxed, then you further escalate physically, constantly guageing her comfort level and taking a step back when she seems tense or uncomfortable with it. When she seems tense, you should relax more.

If you relax enough, you can read physical cues and feel into what she wants pretty accurately, so that she doesn't have to resort to saying "I'm not ready for that" with words. Cause that's always awkward. But doesn't have to kill the mood for the whole evening unless you let it.

TL;DR: say it physically, not with words. Just be relaxed and kick it with her. It should kinda happen naturally by itself, provided you are willing to take the initiative.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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@flowboy Invite her to hang out days before I try to have sex just to get a good rapport or on the day try I'm trying to have sex with her then, in the beginning, we watch some Netflix and get to know her a little bit better?

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Posted (edited)

3 minutes ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@flowboy Invite her to hang out days before I try to have sex just to get a good rapport or on the day try I'm trying to have sex with her then, in the beginning, we watch some Netflix and get to know her a little bit better?

Umm, yes that sounds alright. However: I recommend to forget about your "having sex with her at a specific day" plan - people can feel when the other person has an agenda that they're not open about, and it feels kinda creepy.

Rather than planning when to specifically do it, just switch your goal to getting to know her, having some fun hanging out, incorporate some physical touch, and just make sure to pay attention for that moment that it's clear that she's ready for more. Cause that could come sooner or later than you planned it. If you've been casually physical with her up to that point, it should be pretty obvious when it is.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

https://calendly.com/erik-coaching/add-coaching-free-strategy-consult

Besides that, ♂ I offer single breakthrough calls for men on social life, dating, relationships and sexuality.

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9 hours ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

At the same time, I feel horrible just having sex with a girl I don't even like that much just to meet a need.

You got all this scenario going on in your head, thinking few steps ahead, but how will you go about it (having sex with her)? How do you know she will be down to it?

You shouldn't think in advance, if you want to sleep with her, first you got to seduce her enough so that she will want to have sex with you. Kissing her is not enough. Be honest about your intentions also. Build some kind of chemistry. Because otherwise she will decline. 

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2 hours ago, Jon_Bundesen said:

@flowboy Thanks!

Is there any way that I can show her without telling her I just want to have sex with you?

She is not going to have sex with you if she knows that.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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Posted (edited)

On 7/28/2021 at 8:24 AM, Jon_Bundesen said:

I feel like am missing out on something since all my friends are doing it 

Considering you're a young person, this is an important topic.

Reconsider the reasons why you would have sex with this girl. Yes, all your friends are doing it but you need to do it for yourself because it's the right thing for YOU not for anyone else, not to impress anyone, not to feel like you're part of the group. Do it for the right reasons. Ask yourself, why would I choose to have sex with this girl?

On 7/28/2021 at 8:24 AM, Jon_Bundesen said:

I don't want to miss out on the opportunity I have. At the same time, I feel horrible just having sex with a girl I don't even like that much just to meet a need.

Well, I promise you, you'll have other opportunities in the future too. There's no rush. Feeling horrible is a very strong emotion. Practice listening to your intuition, it's very rare that intuition is wrong. If you do not feel right deep down inside about doing something, then maybe it's a good thing that you're reconsidering it. 

On 7/28/2021 at 8:24 AM, Jon_Bundesen said:

satisfying my need will maybe make the craving go away and I will see that sex is not really fulfilling me and I will go back to doing the real work.

Ultimately, I can only talk about my personal experience so from what I've seen around me (I'm a 23 female) and from my own sexual experiences, I can tell you that starting to have sex will most likely emphasize your craving for sex especially because you're in your teens and simply because hormones and the body want sex around that time of life. It's not like you're going to have sex with that girl and your body's going to stop craving it all of a sudden. Your body will most likely continue to crave sex,  just be aware of that. If you choose NOT to have sex, then you will probably continue to crave sex too anyway... The craving will most likely continue in both cases.

On 7/28/2021 at 8:24 AM, Jon_Bundesen said:

I want to have sex with her so I can distract myself from the real work I have to be doing.

Was that a typo? Did you mean that you want to distract yourself from the real work you need to be doing or did you mean that you do not want to distract yourself from it? Because if you meant that you want to distract yourself from the real work you need to be doing, then, once again, reconsider the reasons why you would have sex with her. Trying to distract yourself is not a good enough reason.

-----

You said in another comment "I was just wondering if it was a bad time to get some success sexually that's my core question because I feel bad going to parties and hanging out with my friends for hours not working on myself."
Throughout your whole life, you will want to work on yourself. Self-development and learning are a forever thing, we're always evolving! So should you stop yourself from having sex in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years just because you'll also be working on yourself? No. So no it's not a bad time to start getting some success sexually. Personally, I think the right time to have sex is when you have no doubt about it. You're ready to go all-in and to explore. That's when you'll have no regrets and a positive experience. In the future, it would still be nice to be able to look back and tell yourself that this was an awesome time!

-----

Lastly, the guys here are giving you some tips about building report and making sure that the girl does not know explicitly that you want to have sex with her. All I have to say to that is: remind yourself to take the girl's feelings into consideration and to be genuine. This is what's gonna differentiate you from all the "f boys" vs being a more mature version of yourself. This way of thinking is going to teach you a lot. If she's not a 100% down, forget it. You'll have the best time and the most fun only if the girl is all in as well. 

 

Edited by evolving55555
typo

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