Killing the Hydra that is my P*rn addiction

2 posts in this topic

I've been fighting against my porn addiction for over a year and a half now with decent success but all this has to come to an end.

I used it as an escape, from feeling bored, from feeling stressed out, from pain, from sadness, from loneliness. Then it became an addiction, still routed in a relative lack of meaning but much more insidious & irrational than ever.

Today I relapsed for another time after 20 days sober, since may the 3rd, after my 190 days semen retention/no PMO journey I've been going down the rabbit hole of addiction once again, I relapsed probably 8 times & my porn use has been excessive during each one of those resets. My physical progress has been dramaticaly hindered if not undone, fortunately I'm taking notice about each one of these learning experiences which mean I'm taking a little more action everytime to insure that this never happens again, this journal that I will update daily is another one of these steps. Life humbled me once more & I realize that I need accountability & help, I may not be able to do this all on my own & it's okay.

I took notice of what situations & thought processes were triggers for relapses, I took action regarding my phone & computer, blocking certain apps at certain times where I was at 'risk', making sure my odds of getting exposed to triggers are close to non-existent. Now I need to come clear with the fact that I'm addicted, that I'm ill and that it is hindering my ability to live a fullfilling life. Although I lost touch with my higher self & my awareness & discipline isn't as good as it was a few months back I still have unshakeable faith, that this is god's plan and that beyond this storm lies a clearer sky.

This is a new chapter, a chapter where I recognized with full humility & honesty that I've been arrogant, that I've lost touch with what really matters to me, with my values & that I might aswell die if I were to continue living like this, which I won't ever accept. This journal will be updated daily with observations & thoughts on ways I should improve & move forward everyday, just like my physical journals but you guys hopefully keep me accountable for this one.

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