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Nick_98

Leo I'm done

17 posts in this topic

Hello there, I couldn't awaken and I'm absolutely out of this. 

Story

I've been on and off doing direct experience work , trying to get to the bottom of this direct experience , and what we call life.. I've been approaching since a long time the process every now and then , but every time I did the work , I did it with 80% intention , not full intention. However , How the process actually went is , I sit there on my bed , and try to be present as much as possible , then start contemplating , or focusing on an anchor like my breath , questioning and so on .. then what naturally happens is that the process start showing into the body, contractions , extreme blood flow to the head, sweating etc.. I eventually get tired and scared a little bit , the mind gets hold on .. and I quit the experience. Let's talk about yesterday, and why I'm actually done. 

Yesterday Story

I've came there into my room yesterday with full intention.. I AIN'T GONNA QUIT , till Awakening/Enlightenment or whatever what people call occurs. I was there with 100% intention. my mindset is set.. I'm here for Totally Surrendering and Cleaning The whole Egoic/Life/Thoughts Dilemma. Directly present I put my FULL INTENTION and focus on the present. During the process I had a small insight.. " The mind really doesn't want you to do this" , The process is all about PUSHING , PUSHING , PUSHING, against the mind till you eventually get more Leverage than the mind and don't fall through its distractions again. I've showed full intention yesterday, everytime the mind tries to pull me again into distractions , I push AGAIN and anchor my focus on Breathing,Contemplating , Focusing more .. and More.. and More.. As a side effect , My body is getting Knocked out on the floor, I Feel weird contractions, Blood flows through my head and so on , and so on,.. But I'm not letting these excuses make me quit or surrender My FOCUS, MY Intention to get to the bottom of this. After a painful experience of constantly getting knocked out , body getting tired ,contractions ,etc .. I decide I won't quit again, I'm going full force.. And this kept happening for like 4 times during a process of 2-3 hours. Now I finally quit.. Awakening isn't happening for me.. I've pushed against the mind , and surrendered for a lot of time.. I've done everything I can possibly do to reach what other call Awakening. Whatever it's I'm sure my intention/focus were on the right direction towards Actuality , and not towards an imaginary goal somewhere else . Now I woke up in the morning with kind of red dots on my face , from the blood flow that was going through my head during the process of yesterday.. "Oh shit what I'm gonna do now ?" 😁 the Mind thinks. Whatever... all i wanna clarify here is this , I'm done. I'm out. You guys have a good luck during your spiritual journey, For me it's done here. At least for a while. Cheers! 
 

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Posted (edited)

the matter is much more subtle than pushing by force of will. the one who pushes is the ego, which (paradoxically) tries to displace the ego, to be more pure, true, etc. so another better ego. when what you have to do is stop. How can the action of something stop itself, when the same action is strengthening that something? can not. the only violent way to stop the ego is a psychedelic blow. The non-violent way is to sit for hours a day without expecting anything, without wanting anything more than to sit and observe, be

Edited by Breakingthewall

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@Nick_98

In regard to the self referential thoughts, thoughts about the you trying so hard, focusing, etc, meditation is simply the return of attention to feeling breathing from the stomach.

It seems there is an attempt to ‘over power’ the mind, rooted in a misunderstanding about enlightenment, and about meditation, and the path. There isn’t any ‘work’ to the path, or to meditation. It’s deep relaxation. 

With proper meditation these self referential thoughts naturally cease, and come to a rest. The activity of thought, of ‘thinking about yourself’, is no more. Then it is very clear these thoughts were like clouds in the sky, which were obscuring the true nature, or, the ever present empty sky, (analogous for the happiness that is ‘our’ ever-present infinite being). 

Wakefulness isn’t an achievement, a place gotten to, a thing acquired or obtained. That is ‘monkey mind’, or, attachment to dualistic thought…. thoughts that there is a (1) you, which is going to get (2) enlightenment. Enlightenment is a word which points to what is already the actuality. 

This overview / map might be insightful as to the role of a proper practice. 

These tools, specifically expressive writing, might be useful as to the practicality of expressing and releasing the conditioning as it comes up & out via meditation. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nick_98 The ego cannot awaken itself. That's the problem here.

What's missing is a change in your state of consciousness.

I suggest two things:

1) Rather than pushing, relax and totally let go during meditation. Do-nothing style mediation where you have zero goal to reach any awakening. Just sit. But do so for very long periods of time. Like 10 days in a row straight. Or practice mindfulness meditation with labeling as explain in my Mindfulness Meditation video. Also, ENJOY it! Stop making this process so grindy and forceful. Enjoy just sitting and basking in being.

2) Psychedelics. This would really help you break through. This is precisely why I stress psychedelics. It's a powerful tool for breaking through such blocks.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

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1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

1) Rather than pushing, relax and totally let go during meditation. Do-nothing style mediation where you have zero goal to reach any awakening. Just sit. But do so for very long periods of time. Like 10 days in a row straight. Or practice mindfulness meditation with labeling as explain in my Mindfulness Meditation video. Also, ENJOY it! Stop making this process so grindy and forceful. Enjoy just sitting and basking in being.

I don't always agree with your meditation advice, but every word of that is perfect and needs nothing added nor taken away (says me, anyway).

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2 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Also, ENJOY it! Stop making this process so grindy and forceful. Enjoy just sitting and basking in being.

Yup, that's pretty important and usually underemphasized.

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I'm so done too. This is a battle with mountains of bullshit. And there is no reward.

But this one will pass. It always does. After a few days, a few months, a few years... A new clarity will be there.

The truth is... This is The Game. This is the Ultimate Game. There is no other like this one.

I don't know what this leads to. But this is IT. I know it deep inside, and you do too.

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3 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nick_98 This overview / map might be insightful as to the role of a proper practice.

By the way @Nahm the pictures of the Ox-Herding are misplaced on your website. I don't know if you are aware of this. You might want to fix it.

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A knife can cut into anything but itself. So no matter how sharp your ego mind is in cutting through thoughts. It can't in the very same process piece togheter something it keeps cutting itself into.

Just take a look at the word itself, Enlightenment. There is a lightness implied in there. If alot of force had to applied into enlightenment, we might as well call it Enforcement instead. :-)

 


The absolute truth of thought dwells in it's own absence.

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who gave you the idea that your technique was THE thing that should prove whether you can "do" it or not? I have good and bad news: the path is more subtle than that

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16 hours ago, Nick_98 said:

"Oh shit what I'm gonna do now ?" 😁 the Mind thinks. Whatever... all i wanna clarify here is this , I'm done. I'm out. You guys have a good luck during your spiritual journey, For me it's done here

There isn't a You and the Mind.

This was all just the mind.... with the illusion of a Me mixed in.

❤ 


“Everything is honoured, but nothing matters.” — Eckhart Tolle.

"I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside." -- Rumi

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Posted (edited)

@Nahm hi, when you say no thoughts of yourself.. Does it mean like a blank, still mind? Not absent-minded but just.. empty

I have this from time to time, until the influx of thinking/questioning gears up. I wondered if it's due to meditation or I might just be dumb o.O (yea yea negative self-talk but this one seems like an honest speculation)..

Edited by sara373

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@sara373

Yes, actual infinite emptiness. Silence without an end. Much more than literal or could be pointed to with dualistic languages.

‘No thoughts of yourself’ isn’t instructional, it’s a pointing to thought attachment & actual innocence, in the sense, ‘your’ real Home, which is not this place.

Meditation will indeed bring up many questions, and much expression. For the sake of clarity, there is no suggestion here of suppressing either, but of expressing and finding out the answers to every possible question which arises. Which is not at all to say discordantly, existentially, ruminating. You might say the adventure of finding out, vs thinking about ‘myself’ and or a ‘reality’. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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@Nahm thank you! that is good then. I do believe during a still mind it's very grounding and being present. If we practice Oneness a lot will we be permanent at this? I suppose the egoic mind always catches up somehow o.O

what do you think of affirmations? Sometimes I see it as a bandaid to the ego, if the real inner and shadow work isn't attended to. 

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16 minutes ago, sara373 said:

If we practice Oneness a lot will we be permanent at this? I suppose the egoic mind always catches up somehow o.O

“Egoic mind” is one thought. There is no such thing as an egoic mind. That is the sneakiness at play. There is no time, that is also conceptual, so not only is there no egoic mind, there is no possibility of it ‘catching up’. This is all self-trickery. Scrutinize a bit more… is ‘we practice oneness’ an actual possibility? “At this” dontes an experience and someone separate of it - can experience be permanent, or is permanent a thought?  

Quote

what do you think of affirmations? Sometimes I see it as a bandaid to the ego, if the real inner and shadow work isn't attended to. 

Affirmations can be great for sure. Also, ultimately this is dualistic. Like a light socket can be used to illuminate, or electrify. It’s in how one implements. Affirmations can uplift and inspire, and can also subversively unknowingly suppress. It seems as if there is, or could be, a correct consensus of such ‘things’, but yet more akin of direct experience, in your life so to speak, there is a season for everything. There is a day for a band aid, and there is a day for shadow work, and there is a day of realization there are no band aids, and there is no shadow. There is a realization of finite mind projection, there is a realization of infinite mind projection, there is a realization of finite mind hijacking infinite mind projection with finite mind projection lol, and there is a realization there isn’t projection. 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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