Life Purpose - Journal - Personal Growth

[ValiantSalvatore]

How am I feeling? 

Feeling the success and performance drive to strive towards something larger than me. Feeling a lot of neutral to warm flow. Feeling calmer and more peaceful. Less emotional coagulation. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going into the city I am massively hungry and my appartement is not clean. It's clean, yet I don't even have cutlery in my drawer, 

Dunno why I do this self-destruction definitely a habit of toxic moralization and fake non-judgement of the green altitude. Toxic green basically is amber. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

Went out sober completely till venue change after 3-4h or so. Can't recall I am tipsy from 3 beer and with tipsy I mean human level, you would not notice. 

Did 0 approaches I dunno I felt like shit the whole time and sort of slightly frustrated anzi? I dunno how to write there were 0 make outs in the biggest club in our city when it reopend people partied. Two guys took one girl home obviously the turkish dudes who take all the blonde chicks as our German developmental SD charateristics is approxiamtely either Green/blue bias or Orange/red bias. You can imagine who mates with whom. 

Now I have a free field, but no game so it really sucks I observed a lot one guy did a full approach and then half-assed it by just being drunk and stupid and the friend immediately cock blocked. Which seemed like such a instinctive response I dunno. I was bored and frustrated 90% of the time even when dancing my shoes stuck to the floor and I could barely move. Even when meeting friends. 

After dranking two beer I had some fun dancing and letting go, yet I dunno there is so much pent up energy out of the socialization experience of this Hurensohn City. I would need an m16 most likely and an g36 to due justice it's due dilligence. ???

But I can't really compare my level of depth and intensity otherwise with gunshots, German parties are like very boring nobody goes crazy the american people create so much vibes and the Germans just sort of are acting in their own way tribal. It's odd. I was disappointed at my city that barely any guy approached or had game so I could observe and learn.

We went into the city afterwards downtown and I saw 3 or 4 makeouts I was suprised. One guy only asked for a number and my friend showed my some Tinder matches from the million city nearby from where he moved to. That was sheer insanity compared to the local trash here. When I look in their face I can sorry for typing this tipsy I can see their entire ancestry it does not look divergent. Just not. Obviously I saw a shit ton of hot girls one girl approached me I was unsure if I knew her even sober as I did just not understand what she was saying. 

Overall I had fun dancing after two beers. It's just my family history as well as this city is just not of benefit to me. I can run game since nobody knows game, yet I have no experience and my friend would support me, yet I don't feel the spice of a friendly competition as well as we both actually want to just have a good time and I am sometimes unsure if  I stress him. 

I also felt more depth after drinking I've started going out and drinking very early. I don't think this city is has a good socialization experience it has close to 0 niveau. Also none of the makeouts were made by Germans that explains why even my mother and some of her friends complained about German men. But like Green/blue Blue. What a nice ocean. 

I am unsure what to do tbh. I could approach many girls, yet I hate questions. There is more that I am thinking about, yet overall I was just not in a good mood and nothing most likely besides engaging and approaching could have brought me out of it. I'd 100% go alone in a million city and report as I hate it when interests don't align and even when I have good time with friends. I want to approach and learn that and many are not interested in that. It's similar to meditation and yoga it's a niche thing you can talk about, yet nobody fundamentally gives a shit. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am pretty sure I also heard two - three times this guy has to be gay and one dude said who is this guy randomly when nobody else really is there. 

I went out with a beard. I dunno one girl who basically is the receptionist of one Bar-Club basically said to me smile. I told her how can you smile in this city to be congruent with my emotions. It was effective for neutrality reasons. One guy gave me the hand and wanted to talk me in a good mood. Dunno it is what it is.

[ValiantSalvatore]

I do have a date today incase no flakery occures. I am more than pleased meeting women online, offline it's really difficult to get started and to become good without someone who knows game etc. etc. 

I am going to the gym today and generally will do some household stuff and ask for going out. My biggest achievement was definitely not drinking the whole time in the club and having mediocore fun. 
 

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for seeing many beautiful women and some having interest without me doing much
I am thankful that one girl approached me even though I had no attraction for her and did not know who that was
I am thankful for not getting involved into fights
I am thankful for having fun dancing
I am thankful meeting people that I know and that like to have fun

[ValiantSalvatore]

On the date it's online so I don't have to drive 1h. Let's see it's a 3 till now from Ennea types. Felt afraid, I never know how people perceive me I can only ask myself what does this behaviour elicit. She is gone for now apparently. 

I am just taking notes after that gym as well as asking my friend for going out again so I don't frangilo out two times.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Ya'll are really killing me this again was the best date so far. I even talked about psychedelics and fuck she was my type so bad. I can't often explain my complexity, but fuck that was so good. I'll head to the gym now and then see what's up in town.

I made her laugh also really hard. Yet I can only do this thanks to her empathy. My lord Owens reason to stay in game is basically 4w3. There is no other reason lmao. I am not typing to much, yet I was again pleasently suprised and fuck empathy feels healing from a loving women even through a camera. 

I am pretty sure this will make me rock solid for a week or 3. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is also live. No idea what the topic is.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Heading Gym. Now checking also what is up in the city. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

I did not go out, yet I am still happy about the date. My friend was on a birthday and he was not like alright come over. Sometimes I wonder what is in his mind.

I am pretty sure he is a 2 in the ennea and providing love helps. Yet he is also prone to tiny bursts of anger. Not very toxically, but he definitely has this tendency. Like more out of a reason to care.

I do think this date and level of empathy fixed me for like 1-3 weeks of just being human again. Can't believe I meet an integrated person. That is like the good part about 3's their heart is just open often and she really liked to learn all of this social stuff with SD theory and the cool greuter model and holistic thinking. That was fun! 

I'll automatically will post differently when I am feeling better. Let's see what the future entails it's unfortunate that I did not release my business plan from 4-5 yearw about writting and informing about crypto and letting people create wallets and sponsors as in 2020 crypto boomed, thanks to Ethereum and updating and generating hype on the nft market with projects. 

Running the numbers on this journal definitely it could have made me some good profit.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Weekly Review:
 

What was important this week how did I grow?

• Mostly through my date showing me that experience matters a lot and that I attract similar kind of women in terms on online-dating on this plattform. Till now educated and open to spirituality which is fantastic. 
• I grew a bit socially by just going out dancing and having fun, I saw how hard game is be seeing that others don't even know how.
• Gym wise I only went 3 times in my buffer week I did not go today as I just fel tired, my progress is slow as I just don't know how effective anything is I continue to lift more weight, yet the programm is not designed for building strength as effectively as when I did it with the athlean x programm. 
• Tomorrow my dish washer arrives
• I feel more desire to be disciplined again as I got results finally with the same pattern in dating and I see what kind of women are attracted to me and funnily enough they fit my love map 

What can I improve on in the following week?

• Hit gym 5 times
• Approach 5-10 girls when going out 
• Write a daily plan again for my project
• Get outside early in the morning and enjoy the sun for biological calibration for sleep/wake cycle
• Continue planning the week
• Last 3 weeks of current programm I stretched this way to long
• Sleep for better gym gains
• Continue with 5 main goals
• Implement the reading goal I had 
• Stop demonizing your goal drive and oriented thinking
• Don't read to many toxic threads and report threads here on the forum that seem to toxic
• Read insipring materials have inspiring high-conscious dates, also meaning -> be conscious -> be a beacon
   

What are the biggest issues?

Mainly social and having people and friends here and not burning out and tracking all of my stuff without burining out or feeling that I become in this stage orange winner -> looser thinking. Obstacles finding inspiring places to go to and taking new pictures for online-dating.

 

There is a documentary about black millionairs in the u.s 

Edited March 20 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Charging my phone I did not want to post today. I mostly post as this is the only way to feel connected to smth. or meditating. I don't like the state of the forum in terms of what kind of people gather as well as how much work I've already done. Only to get some piss in my soup. 

This was still the healthiest form of self-expression I choose to be connected to others. I did not reply to my date yet currently my head is full with old threads I've read here and the inabillity of Green to acknowledge it's not the higher/later developed stage. As well as it's apathic attitude towards growth in the emotional line / moral line out of complacency and lazyness. Yellow emotional intelligence I am mainly going of experience here is legit more useful when received in person. Also I might be completely off. I don't currently read. 

The more I read this forum the more I realize that reading history makes you stupid in this day and age and thinking like a tool is a higher form of intelligence. 

I really really hate Green, most don't embody the positive aspects of Green and it's mostly an amber regression. I will drink today. I experience a lot of sadness. Currently I don't feel I can fully share myself in any artistic way and there are some issues I have living in this city. 

I don't know how I can explain this, yet reading Deida. I am hope even when in the future I'll be one of the few people who can utilize alcohol as a tool. I don't like to be fooled. Generally although I feel better there is a lot of gratitude towards 3's that I have had in my life or just meet on the street currently as the giving of love and empathy feels very nuturing. Although it does not depend on the ennea type it's just currently the way things seem to be in my life. 

There are certainly transient feelings just posting this again gives me more emotional awareness. I don't like typing so much and sometimes I think the time could be allocated towards something that is more important. There are many fears and conditioned believes that I am aware of that even with 7 months of feel good meditation only for 30 minutes though was difficult to override. 

I generally do not like many subconscious believes of people that I see here and I am ultimately 100% sure, that I can spot them. Some things are difficult to explain and generally I feel desensitize from watching almost news none stop the Ukraine situation. 

I do think this is good, I don't know how it feels to be involved in war, as well as I did not reach out to my childhood friend who is from the Ukraine who was and still is one of the closest people I know and also one of the kindest. I am just a bit tired of humans in general I don't really like them. That includes my "humanity" also. Unsure what to think human connection is close to gone. I can't enjoy the humans here anymore I try not to escape into intellectualization which generally is a stage yellow shadow or can be. I just don't really riff anymore with actualized.org my mind is making up so many risks and fears. 

Getting psychdelics is fking risky. Just the spiritual work itself is definitely carries risks. As well as Leo is one of the few people who can make me motivated to work on the fundamentals and basics of stuff as he actually value this. I don't feel to well as most of my life purpose goals have been destroyed without me having much choice besides doing everything on my own. I really mean everything. I still wish 90% of Germans receive a headshot for their hypocrisy I get along approx. with 10% of the population. I go out and have to listen to some rando saying I really hate n*g*r just for me and my friend having fun from a guy younger than me. I was unsure if I heard correctly I generally don't like human beings they never felt the need to adjust I dunno why sometimes I have to endure this bullsh*t. 

Just this city alone is very traumatizing for me as it interconnects so many dark aspects of humans and I am unsure if my assumption is correct. All I can right now tell is I don't think even for being eons on this website. That I made maybe more than 1-2 friends. I feel sometimes very lonely and I really liked the attention I received from my old friends and the recognition. Just for me being authentic me and wild. Now with my injury I still can't fully stomach that I can't do activities that I enjoyed doing even if it is just playing soccer or doing things intensely. It's like a part of my character has been taken. I can't even put myself into a pretzel without damaging my knees I think. 

I feel generally disconnected there were maybe two people who were able to help me let go and connect because I really trusted them I basically don't trust anyone if I don't perceive that person to be more intelligent than me in the sense of letting go. I dunno my mind is fabricating stuff. Mabye I am just a sensationalist I never had a proper experience of anything when it comes to socialization and I generally am off on my own every since I know without guidance just my own level of thinking and mulling over things. With the few influences that I had which were not much. I could make a list there are not many. The point is I really need positive experiences and even though I had them I need more of it and people don't understand that. I can't change it I can only do so much as to change myself. I am pretty sure I will feel a lot of gratitude in my meditations, yet currently I am majorly disappointed in myself. As well as in many other people in my life and that is very difficult to not make them feel guilty or responsible without causing damage. 

I never had a culture that I grew up in as I deconstructed every culture that I meet even non-culture as far as I can which makes me seem anti-social even though I am aware of the cues. I just often thought wow why cause myself that much pain and agony for being vulnerable, honest and authentic. Which I always was from since I was small, yet some really seemed to pick on that. 

I can only express myself as honestly as I can and I know I will feel better because of that. I never received the support to do what I love in the way I needed it love, affection and care. Then I constantly gave it myself and it's still not enough. Empty promsies, false hopes, commiseration. I often wished I never had parents even when they did nothing wrong, it's clearly evident to me what apathy and disconnection can do to a person, as well as numbing out on anger and violence repression. There are many positive qualities about 9's, yet they really have anger issues that they project as well as every other body type. 

The most annyoing thing is being aware of this re-storytelling and re-telling it to construct a more healthy identity that you want to deconstruct. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

The weather is beautiful outside. I definitely feel the desire to feel alive. There was an old person outside bickering about smth. that felt related to me. I am a bit glad when the boomers die off, as well as the generation before so Putin also would be dead. Kim Jon-Un is legit part of my generation. Which I think is funny. 

Otherwise same shit as the last couple of months since I killed my progress in around late December/middle of November by doing less. The point is stage orange and people appealing orange to me as the highly value it in this city not the old one where I studied. 

It's like my asian doctor friend having to call people loosers for him to feel better, I am sometimes unsure he does it out of jest. I stil think it's pretty stupid and toxic. Why did I basically stop all progress? Because I procrastinated as I felt overwhelmed by not having the right balance with meeting like-minded and similar people I don't really think the workload was the issue, just the relaxation and re-creation part. I really enjoy 8-10h, yet right now I have an issue with feeling like I provide value by others and recognition. Right now the issue is the systems that I am implemented in and I know that. 

As well as then executing on it. I really had high hopes and I was moving towards my vision and goals. What I do not like currently is I don't feel as whole before. My date was super awesome. She seemed super empathetic and healthy as a person. I definitely want to meet her after her vacation. She legit seemed similar to the person on my vision board from my LP course and I do think she is sx/so which certainly fixes a lot of sx cravings and she is not to much sx which is very good.  Also I am not attracted to blondes and she has naturally red/brown hair? Which I find very sexy. 

What else can I write about? Not much. I watched a public opinion pool and I sort of see the stage purple tribe mentality issue and schizophrenic attitudes of russian people I went to the gas station on saturday and saw a bunch of russians I really disliked their attitude it was quiet disgusting from my pov. Although some of it was fine, yet I don't get all of this acting big stuff even as an american. But w/e. In Germany you would call these people Holzrussen anyway. So these people don't really represent russia for me. It's just that this purple tribe mentality and schizophrenic Putin
is getting a bit on my nerves. 
 

 

[ValiantSalvatore]

How am I feeling? Choiceless awareness:

I feel lighter definitely and I have more clarity of perception I feel like my sense have been sharpend there is a slight bounce to the experience as uncertainity, flow and joy are underlain of the more physical perception of these sensations and feelings. There is also a tear in my eye and my entire being yearns for more depth of consciouness. 

Gratitude Journal:

I am thankful for my dates level of empathy and that she is not stage orange
I am thankful that I am neither stage orange nor green in moral and emotional development
I am thankful for experiencing more depth in medtiation
I am thankful to not having to listen with my headphones to the general unconsciouness and complaining moruning culture of Germans
I am thankful for technological progress as well as stage Green empathy and emotional line

[ValiantSalvatore]

Woke up at my usual time again just smelling the air of the morning reminds me of a lot of things I really enjoy usually the cold weather. As well as all of the sounds of trains and cars cruising along while birds are chirping and nobody is really awake. Especially during good weather. 

There are various things on my mind here and in general I see some problems and I'd really like to talk to some of it in a men's circle. That would really be good, yet I cancled my integral account as well as some other costs. I asked another girl out. There are some toxic general ideas in here that I am not fully resonating with. Like this sigma male idea. Nothing against being a confident introvert, yet this stage orange call. Made a lot of issue for me and still has an impact on me in academia. It's like almost an inevitability that I have had to go to Green/Red's I can't really gauage my date, as she is sx/so. 

I've read an article that an sx/so is a good partner for so/sx and sp oriented people should date sp oriented people, yet it was again just a random website with some theory. I just look what is currently true in my relative experience. The point is I also really really like orange, just the toxic looser/winner categorization of people even just for fun sometimes hurts, also this mentality is just not about fundamental understanding. I bought an audiobook How Champions Think and listend to it. I don't think this is how a single champion ever really thought IIRC.

I'll meditate soonish for 1h. I keep thinking about leaving the forum, it has not been 1 year since I've participated in this forum again. There are some issues that I am unsure if they are mind-made as well as legit complains. I'd like to talk to my psychologist, yet she is not very educated even with a masters degree, she is quiet stupid in a sense, high in empathy, but not very smart. The main issue I have with her she is not oriented in finding a solution and my micro-management mind is like wow maybe I should do the work for her. Yet, she keeps being impressed by my abillity to show her the things how they really are, even just by me being me. I do think she is good in what she does, I am just not an easy person to deal with. 

I watched a good podcast about the Ukraine situation which legit was big picture. 
 

 

 

Edited March 23 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

Making an obligatory post. I commited to not going out I legit preferred working and reading on the weekend and obviously playing video games and meeting friends. Yet I won't grow socially that way. The main issue I see here there are not many benefits of me meeting the people here in a sense it's not what I am looking for, also this journal has the counter-prodcutive effect of me not doing what I want to do 90% of the time.

I still might go out out of boredom and since it's happening late and I am already integrated with them I might be able to pull it off, the dude is still a mystery to me. Otherwise there is not much to reflect upon. It's just pure chaos everywhere with Corona and Ukraine my date can't fly which derails meeting and getting laid also. The other girl deleted her account after I did not reply for 1 day. The half spanish/german women does not reply. 

I read a study that "Gendern" is supposed to have the opposite effect and makes you think more of women? Only writting for example Bürgerinnen und Bürger is supposed to make you think of both genders. I looked at the current chairwomen of Bündnis 90/Grüne she legit has no degree and stopped studying when her father died in the same year and has a pretty traumatic childhood in a sense. I thought about corruption, yet it's sort of amazing that she made it. 

The only sport I can really do is swimming without hurting my leg. I did not go to the gym this week. I feel like I am addicting to dopamine and I need a break my sex drive also is quiet high. I am unsure what will happen with new pictures I should get a shit ton of new matches and that should also give me more confidence going out, although I don't really value it.

I am unsure if I need a challenge or anything, I just lack currently the energy, I might have to change my nutrition or just eat more fruits. I wish sometimes I would not have an atheletic build so I have to eat less and do more work, yet this body needs so much food. I can also tolerate a lot of not eating food. 

I dunno I just feel something is missing it's either high level consciouness and skill progression as well as the right activity to just forget everything for a while.



 

[ValiantSalvatore]

There are various thoughts that I am going through right now I am posting this 3 am I looked into some coaching facilities, yet I don't think they can help me based on what they offer although I did not even look for 15 minutes. The one thing that looked semi-decent was just to modern. I don't really trust people who use OCEAN. 

Currently I am still dropping in levels of consciouness. Hopefully this tragedy soon comes to an end. I am debating wether or not to text my date to meet as I am just not going out. I also brought back the coffee machine my depression is extremely real right now and coffee seems to help, I did also not go to the gym for the past 2-3 weeks. As an honest update. I just currently can't stomach the level of consciouness of the forum. With all the prep work I've done. Today was the most productive day. In a couple of weeks. I will not be online for sometime as this is quiet serious. I messed up the last two years even with help it was impossible I am to much of a rebel and I often do the exact opposite unconsciously and consciously of what people expect I defy my own and others expectations. 

Main reason I write in this journal was to have a tool to contemplate I still need some form of socialization and I am socially quiet selective. I am unsure where to find a proper mentor as well as if the enviroment is the issue. Anhedonia was very real the last 2-3 weeks. Currently I am mostly just lurking as I did in the beginning and put in the work. Usually I don't show this "extroverted verbose" side of me to anyone who I don't like some I like instantly and I just show it so no bs happens. 

I still don't think the level of consciouness of the forum helps me in my circumstance it's hit or miss or a gamble rather. I stopped watching the news, I cried serval times because of the situation in Ukraine and the insanity of what just is there.

I did MDMA apparently also with a friend. I definitely will try to find a doctor who can help me with depression at best a psychiatrist as this is re-occuring to often. Also it could be the turblances that I had to go through I never really had it smooth. I had to integrate it a lot even when I felt more advanced than most. It's still dificult for me to connect to others even when I connected to myself a lot and naturally am a person who tries to understand and connect as well as use empathy and compassion.

My issue is growing up with so called know-it-alls and having sometimes this phlegmatic attitude of them is very dismissive, as they already know right? I feel better not following politics currently. It causes a lot of rage/anger. I also notice I don't have control over some painbody aspects that is quiet surreal. Otherwise the knee situation is messing with my head. Also many have close to 0 empathy for this, as I told this my friend he told me be happy you can still walk. That is one of the most unempathic responses you can give. I am sort of used to this know-it-all asshole empathy responses, as my family and generally people here pride themselves of rationality. 

I still don't have Tinder or any of this, there are more questions that I have and the forum does not have much value besides for entertainment purpose and still seeing that others are on their journey. I had a super hot match that suprised the living shit outta me and etc. etc. Currently this manosphere thingy is getting a bit outta hand my sex drive is also uber über uber über on. I still wonder where I can find proper doctors as I find generally people don't treat me fairly and don't quiet understand how I want to address issues like depression. 

Currently Eckhart Tolle audiobooks is again the only thing that helps me to focus on the big picture. I watched the new episode from Leo I stopped taking notes a longtime ago, as I am unsure how I perceive the value of the episodes as support is simply lacking and I really need this with a person in flesh and blood not video. It's also very difficult to relay all of this information to none understanders of the stuff Leo teaches and I was eager to embody it. There are also some uncomfortable opinions that are most likely correct about dating, yet it's fine. For now I'll find my way somehow. 

I do have to say frankly I have never been so unhappy in my life and my socialization experiences, although all of my dates have been quiet positive etc. There are things I don't understand and I can't find the proper ressources somehow. I also feel Leo often produces the opposite effect in me that is absolutely destructive in my life with his videos. The issue is I lost 100% really 100% now of my friend of my closest friends through this work integration proccesses shadow work, meditation, psychedelics and I utterly trusted them. I feel betrayed as hell I don't blame Leo and I don't blame the work either, it just makes me angry sometimes that it is the way that it is as I truely loved the connection I've built with them meeting new people is fun. Yet I have an issue of being very business like as people are quiet shady. 

The biggest issue is that my vision is completely gone? Sharing it with my dates was more inspiring than anything I've done even though I don't really feel this is my vision anymore, it's still my vision as there are no new insights it's the same desire that drives me towards wanting my vision etc. 

I generally don't feel very stable as there are no proper socialization options that I can regard as competent and this stage yellow drive is extremely strong in me. I looked some critique up on the Wiki page of SD. I am unsure what all of this will be I lost a lot of opportunities based on lonleyness and isolation. It's really like a bomb hit my home, I can't really do anything as 90% of what happend with outside my circle of influence. I can't control corona, I can't control the death of people, I can't control that people don't like my anymore, I can't control an illness/condition fully. I can't revoke any of these. It's very permanent. I do feel mentally clearer staying away from the forum mostly. Watching integral also feels more wholesome and healthy as well as empathic and compassionate.

There are still various social issues that bother me when I relate to others there is a lot of anger because of injustices. I do have most likely to resort to some integral theory as they really have a lot of answers for the relative spectrum. I currently don't find Leo a very inspiring person I'd love to say it, yet I am feeding myself the posion of resentment. He is in a sense like my mother blaming others for taking things for granted while in reality he is as well as projecting that and again Leo bashing is also not the way. I don't think these people fully understand. Trauma is about what you did not do, not what you did. 

We could talk about forgivness etc. yet currently I can't really fathom all of these and there are to many practices. I am happy currently when I meditate I have never been so derailed because of racist Tier 1. From beige-green.

[ValiantSalvatore]

Going to write a post I am not feeling properly healthy thanks to coffee, yet my brain does not stop wanting to wanting to consume information there have been times where it was worse. I've read some news about crypto regulation which makes some stuff difficult because I'd be forced to identify my self. There are various issues and hypocracies I'd like to point out in society for example that confidence is a given and not learned behaviour is one thing I watched, as I saw some doctors Youtube series. 

There are various thoughts and reasons and again mostly only gifted people seem to understand my reasoning it's very annoying having to deal with this. The dating section of the forum without some members and Leo is very bad. People should not give low quality advice and myopia based on short cited perception and misunderstanding and misinterpretations. The situation in Ukraine and the headlines in the news seem to be concerning to me. As well as how this community basically is holding itself together, yet this is a common issue in my life. I find it odd, that seemingly others receive so much support and I don't apparently I have to give it again? Like Eckhart Tolle sometimes stuff is very paradoxical. 

Overall I am quiet satisfied with my results I will review the scam episode from Leo with notes again as this will be a perennial issue. I still have the fundamental issue of having access to everything and nothing. I mean I could again go out with a rich dude who knows a ton of hot people. Guys and girls alike. Right now still working on the issue of depression is more important, yet I miss proper tools. I cancled my integral account last month and generally I mostly post to feed needs I crave. I am still not done with the course from Julian and I better talk with my psychologist the issue with rejection, rage, anger and blame issue and injustices. As well as what can be done with that. I thought about presenting a list to her of what we could do as action steps, as she is to passive in a sense and consistently suprised by me. 

Otherwise posting less journaling was one tool to gain more emotional awareness. The point is not calling out issues makes me feel left unsatisfied again also intellectual integrity is missing a lot here on the forum a lot of personal biases and stage orange assholeness. What else is important today? 

Mainly what I wanted to say is I think there will be some sourcing issues for psychedelic users if these new "post-modern" laws are passed from greens and lefties with regards to the crypto market. I hope they will "deregulate" access to some of it so I can use it as a tool. 

I am still perplexed by how often I end up in leading positions based on having the bigger picture and more information at hand. Regardless if it is offline as well as online. As well as how emotionally immature and juvenile some are I always disliked this. 

Still going out is 80% emotions 20% analysis. I am quiet fortunate and I dislike to evoke this envy comparrision ideas, yet I can't deny a lot of my self-esteem relies in my looks as I received so many compliments and you can have 10-20 "tell tale" signs of what makes a guy attractive. I can't expect social competency from a fundamentally flawed and socially incompetent forum. 

The main issue with integrity and vulnerabillity and authenticity I have is this people sniff out everything and contort it to their own survival agenda and benefit many don't have a true yellow causing no harm to other self-interest. Like for example learning software architecture to benefit a company as a whole. 

There have been some minior synchronicities with my date as well as with my coffee machine, yet I do have to lament and bemoan the level of consciouness of the forum, as well as emotional and moral maturity. In the end it's a process what I hate about Zoomers and some "infographics" I've read is they focus so much on the result as well as tangible and proofable thing. If something is seemingly untrue.

It's like virtue has close to 0 value anymore and only the result counts, not the effort. Which is an utterly toxic mindset of an entire generation. In the end there obviously is truth to it, yet it mostly runs on the competency and effort spectrum. Not having it and not having it spectrum. 

Again tiny brain dump. I could write for hours and days. I notice my own development is important again also for others. As well as there might be some future issue with psychedlic usage and following Leo's work when these laws are passed. I might just don't know also, as sourcing is forbidden. 

I don't know for now it's funn how this is a stage turqouise quality admitting to not know and how many people cling to their perceptions. Then again etc. etc. Also the counter dependence bias of having to do research alone and doing everything completely alone. Like do your own research! Do your own XYZ! Do your own asshole! I am pretty sure this causes stage 1 macho jerk biases or this sigma male attitude of not relying on other peoples help etc. etc. 

sigh.... garbadge and trash - My stage orange comment of the day.

As well as I guess spritual bypassing is big on here. Praise the lord and address the issues. 

Oh and the hypocrtical highly competent far-off diagonses are just great also. Everything seems to be a pathology these days.... again just letting go of perfection feels way to good and rewarding. 

I make a quick gratitude journal:

I am thankful for caffeine boosting my mood.
I am thankful again for random hot matches and an awesome date
I am thankful for compliments I receive
I am thankful for a somewhat supportive family
I am thankful for perceiving consciouness and high value people as well as standing up for my values

Edited April 14 by ValiantSalvatore

[ValiantSalvatore]

I am just going to write a post since a lot seems to be going on here. Mostly I wanted this as a space to reflect I talked today with my psychologist she can't really follow my train of thought and does not understand what I am talking about 90% of the time which is a super big issue, as I don't feel properly understood she also does not use any listening techniques I know from reading which is exactly one. I am unsure what we are doing I speak very radically about some stuff that bothers me and I don't see anyone talking about. 

I am unsure what the issue is I made a small list as I feel I often overwhelm her and she tells me she needs a break as I can easily talk for 2-3h .... and she can't really follow. I like her I am unsatisfied with her methods she sees herself as a pragmatist me as a "natural" idealist turned pragmatist sees her bullshit sort of I would like to work with her I am unsure if I would need a life coach I usually can handle negativity, depression etc. The main issue isolation and finding a community where I feel accepted. I struggle with the same issue here I don't really feel integrated in the community and there are also some very obvious biases which are denied as it's not properly talked about and I do have issues here also with my psychotherapist.

I am not feeling all to well as I can't do stuff that I was passionate about I don't think she understands how severe this feels for me as she does not seem to be very sporty. Overall the interaction with her made me question the capacity of empathy and my dates. As well as how good intentions are simply good intentions without any sort of action. I was prone to this and good intentions severly help with the right action. Sometimes I just wonder what is the right action? That gives me the result that I want I thought about jogging in the forest even when it hurts my knees, yet this is how the problem started to begin with. I just loved to be able to do what I want with my body and I was not neccesarily the type of guy who'd take something as sacred for granted as I had some issues since birth with my body and I had to go to hospital a lot. I appreciated it not like a health nut, yet just as some fit dude. The more I worked out the more I noticed how sacred all of it is and how deeply I cherish it. I also don't like it currently that I can't mix psyches with heavy meditation practices as well as retreats as challenges for growth even in the personal releam.. meditation changed me a lot. I feel a bit sad that it is not being as heavily promoted as it was in 2016-17? here. There are also some attiude issues I have with Leo and I still wonder if it is again something in me which is triggered. I never thought I could be so arrogant in my whole life I don't think anyone thought that. I feel the levels of frustration I had to go through that were left unanswered made me sort of arrogant. Ultimately I don't know. 

I talked shortly with her about ketamine as she told me she done it with a patient, I don't think she is far-sighted enough and I most likely created some trust issues from here side, then again I don't fully trust her as I don't see her as competent enough for what I currently need. I don't know what we are doing 90% of the time and I think she should be leading and providing solutions. I was unable to find a systems therapy that actively engages with the clients own system. I seeked out one opportunity it was denied. Currently the going out issue I don't care all to much when okCupid and dating apps work even for dates I certainly have something going for me I never saw sex as something very important all do I mastrubate frequently just to deal with the urge. I am unsure how far I'll be able to grow as these massive setbacks are not exactly helping me then seeing it as a growth opportunity I am currently wondering what I am learning. I still do not really know. 

What is currently happening to me internally?
 

• Envy again is strong in me without a gratitude practice.
• There is a deep desire to bond with someone like-minded.
• Depression keeps sneaking back in without exercise.
• Meditation cleanses a lot of negativity and helps me to put in the hours to realize my goals/dreams and visions.
• Accepting letting go of perfection leads me to perfection when I don't stop letting go.... this is very difficult for me as there are still mistakes.
• My wholesome thinking can't seem to stop there is a lot of synthesis and people can't seem to be able to follow it
• Speaking rationally and linerally triggers my pain-body for some reason and wants me to dominate/win and sometime abjudicate smth.
• A lot of suffering internally, yet it does not seem to matter as much anymore there will always be some sort of iching, aching and pain. I do prefer to lessen it though and live blissfully.
• Self-sabotage hardcore and self-hatred unable to perceive a situation accurately because of lack of feedback. 
• I sometimes feel the world is against me, but I feel it mostly not really think it. It's like collective hatred kicks-in for no reason.
• I want to provide aid and I think I have issues being selfish even from stage orange. I am relatively assertive, yet I get that feedback now for sometimes I still can't fathom like ...  uhh.... how being selfish.
• I feel a lot of hatred and anger and sadness.
• 80% of the time I feel neutral though
•  I do feel hurt and betrayed by Leo and his teachings as it was one of the few role models as I had for masculinity etc. as funnily enough bald men have in my "traumatic" life story been the most providing people. The best coaches also I had. I know a weird thing to say.
• I pressure myself a lot to perform and can't find a proper release sure playing video games helps, yet it's not the same as challenging yourself physically especially in a HIIT? style. 
• Weird relation to the idea of gaining competence and skill with the desire to be a rule/role minded expert (cook greuter iirc... ) as well as competence the former is replling to me, yet seems to give me the impetus to be of competence lean and non-fluff, which can be an issue. As lean and fluff is different for many people as well as I have a tendency for synthesis, concepts makes lean and non-fluff easier.

What is currently happening to me externally?

• I think my therapist is only medicore for what I need and for what research I could possible bring-up to solve the issue.
• I might be done quite soon with stuff that bothered me ages ago basically since I was a teen and was provided close to 0 opportunity and if yes funds were not available. 
• I have a wild beard.
• I stopped my fat loss process and 6 pack abs training. 
• I stopped my gym routine since 4-5 weeks now?
• I keep having some sort of headache when I drink coffee, yet it helps to deal with the feelings of apathy and drudgery.
• I really can't care less anymore about dating. My main goal was to become social years ago and I attended events and was just there without theory, without a script, without knowing how to be social I know now more. 
• I received my first ever job offer and was invited to a job interview at a company where I did an internship ages ago. I don't like it there even though they cool I felt very happy as it was something I felt I truely achieved on my own.. A SUPERB CLASSIC. 
• All the courses I started from Google and IBM Google is like 95% done. IBM I stopped etc. I need a different kind of therapist and coach to deal with that workload currently. My psychologist is not interested in high performance and I wanted to train to do at least a triathlon once in my life a small one etc. 
• I buy a lot of alcohol to deal with boredom and depression and fear as I can't currently feel it all and move through it and I generally don't have an issue with fear it's an exciting emotion. That is what I learned from online learning courses to deal with exam anxiety as it's possible to trick your brain. I do think this is a handy "trick" for approaches. 
• Again even without using the app my matches are getting hotter. Which is cool that the courses and efforts I made without the revisions I already took is paying off.
• Psychologist there is some issue with how we handle the process of the therapy that I can't find I have the impression she lacks in effort, yet that is not entirely true, she can only do what she can do. It's not enought it's nice and unfortunately it's not enough I need a different modality. The city here provides also an infrastructure that is to solid enough. The courses for medtation etc. Are to infrequent and corona made a lot of issues also and the group therapy thingy, the people here scared the living shit out of me if you can't speak high german I am out. The spot had ultra bad vibes and has not a very good repute. 
• No gratitude journal currently.
• No bullet journal currently.
• No journaling happening.

I watched the new Leo episode I stopped taking notes on stuff that has no profundity and in the end I am prone to think a lot about it and then I decide to take action. I've never been a slacker really, I just happen to have to be in a circumtance with a lot of fking slackers in my enviroment. It's like men don't even want to fking work. 90% of the people are scared of my professors as he grills them and I enjoy it? Not as some sado-machochism perversion simply because it's challegning and pioneering... it's unfortunate that I can't seem to find other ambitious people in real life and not via the internet here. 

Otherwise I definitely want to find a community where I feel accepted as well as a place this would provide me with some security I would have started judo again, if it would not have been for my knee as I liked the amber connection there a lot as it reminded me of my childhood. I checked out a zen center here last year it was a bit weird but okay. I stopped going there for some reason as I was working so much it did not workout at all doing 3 projects and working out outside. I can do max two projects depending on difficulty etc. 

I stopped acquiring know-hows and knowledge as it made me very arrogant and I often feel the moral obligation to explain everything and be inspring to others, it seems to have the opposite effect and people woreshiped my practical nature working out lifting weights etc. and marveled at my theoretical concepts. I still wonder how *cough* you can be to even consider one word of what someone or me ever says correct. I mean how do you know? I don't really like blind trust without a deep bond ...uhh.. 

I see what will happen I just stay clear from this forum there are good and bad sides to it. I can't seem to deal with my pain-body issues and racism as it's something that deeply offends me and I don't think people realize how deeply. I find it retarded to go out to have some white guy in a club say I hate n****ers just to raise his social status? Like can you give me a break for 2months or so. 
----
Going of on a tangent here like usually I hoped that therapy could address these issues with racism and trauma and basically it's a form of bullying in my eyes as I don't have an issue morally to interact with racist people obviously there are qualms, yet the emotional reality after a while just kicks in to hard and I stop interacting with the person for my own well-being as I just see it was toxic body of thought. Sometimes I feel sad that I can't help them to understand and see we actually get along. It's weird. 

Overall I can only say I can't again find the competent help that ressonates with my inner being at all with my values, with my life trajectory etc. As well as a modality that helps with trauma/shadow etc. Without doing it completely on my own which is not all to healthy in the long run. I am 100% convinced you can't do it alone, you need others, yet you have to do it alone. That is also the main issue I see with this .org the issue of doing it alone without some sort of network. I mean even Leo does game, has a family he interacts with on some level and I bet does other stuff. Has girlfriends etc. Sometimes this vibe of doing it alone completely rubs off and I think it stinks. I am a happy loner btw, I love being alone. So yeah. 

What else? This is good for today there has not been a lot of constructive stuff happening. I somehow stopped integrating paradoxical thing or seemingly paradoxical thing somehow. 

All in all I don't feel happy and I am majorly disappointed in actualized.org, Leo, my therapist, my family, my father in myself, my friends and there competencies etc. I wish I had more positive experiences with people this again seems to be re-inforcing the issue of incompetencies and what works for you might not work for me and finding the right kind of people. I don't blame them I feel disappointed by how I feel treated basically by all of them basically besides my mother maybe. *Sigh*... sometimes stuff is so obvious that it is self-created still this massive self-created toxicity is difficult to deal with as HSP. 

I could run endlessly typing I will stop this is enough. 

[ValiantSalvatore]

This is again what is good and I find is missing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhT9UsMVEvg