Life Purpose - Journal - Personal Growth

327 posts in this topic

Break right now I basically still have 20 mins left no idea how and or why.  I miss proper human connection based on depth even during a meditation retreat I did most of them online.

Found this during a deep break.

I contemplated health topics for a bit all in all I feel more content learning more about the subject and UR itself is fascinating, yet right now I am prioritizing success/sex this year when it comes to reading. 

Otherwise theree is not much to say besides that I am contemplating the idea of synchronicity and emotions as well as letting go of desire on connecting the dots with this map and what I listend to in the car from integral and humility as well as epistemic humilty when learning smth and letting go of the desire to being erudite and being seen as erudite. Letting go of perfection more and connect to simplicity. 

I made some progress with my thesis today. This public just writting stuff does work, especially since I am prone to escapism. Was introduced to a beautiful and attractive women today :). Enjoying that and I am focusing more on that. Also, saw a tiny reflection out of observation that positivity is a superpower ! 

So, more of that and depth with masculine cutting-edge presence without anger :D. Let's see if I can do that. As well as move that energy at least up to courage and then to acceptance ! 

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No no no I have a deep connection to myself and therefore with others ! 


  • Eckhart :x:x:D


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This is still good the MBTI is still a very mind / brain focused map. 

My ennea 4 tip of the day::D

Avoid putting off things until you are "in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are happiest when you are working—that is, activating your potentials and realizing yourself. You will not "find yourself" in a vacuum or while waiting for inspiration to strike, so connect—and stay connected—with the real world.

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The better question for me right now is how to stay connected to the real world because this makes me feel humitly and grateful, also will help me to get more into a balanced state, also the way I can  express my intellectual abillity sort of my w5 drive it's better to do it out of joy for me. Pride not everyone can stomach the drive of pride behind achievement that I actually supressed alot and transmute into joy. This joyful energy not a lot of people can take it. The point of paradox for me I am to overdeveloped and underdeveloped and my enviromental design just failed, I have a nische now that I can work in that is why I even have time to write this post. 

I have a "mentor" who cares about me and is interested in teaching me. What else is positive ? 

A negative positive a girl who I don't think is pretty was pissed yesterday that I was more attractive. There was this negative vibe about beauty and attraction which can be an issue with highly open design oriented people. 

I still am unsure for instance business and marketing for now I bought a good course and did some work thanks to my degree in this, also I am a bit savy in this naturally. I tend to be a good talker usually when it comes to this. Yet, now that my life purpose is in a completely different direction where it's more A-Z problem solving with intuition and order and creativity depending on skill etc. I love programming I really do, yet I want to progress further and be inspired by my actions and be in that emotional state. Realizing myself. Exercise helped me tremendously now I have new ideas how I can find a balance that would allow me to dig deeper into nutrition, with just working out 3 times full body because I prefer that. 

I am working from home today. I will plan my week and use the gratitude journal to be more in alignment with positive vibes and people. Usually shortly before smth. very positive manifests in my life I sabotage it because I don't give the technique credit. I don't know how often I wrote down I am thankful for Leo Gura even though fully knowing this guy could hate me, pay no attention to me, or not be willing to teach me anything etc. 

Seeing also how disabeled people keep going and stay consistent and self-actualize paradoxically exactly where they have the biggest obstacle. Makes me wonder in awe and think man humans are just beautiful and life is amazing. 

There are some tradeoffs when it comes to dating and success currently for me when I gauge stages and potential partners. I wrote approx now 500 girls ? I receive 2 matches a week still approx. and I started the dating course.

I am learning more about masculinity from a coach who has 25 years of experience of integral I am opening my mouth alot, so leadership and responsibility gravitates towards me. I also interrupt people. Which is good assertivness practice while being respectul. 

I get better at the technical side of things especially android where I notice I could have a better start, just by being familiar with information. The ennea will help me with relationship building and team finding. As well as the letting go technique helps me. 

I did one mistake out of hedonism yesterday and contemplated some stuff I read. Now, I could have invested in expensive courses, yet still my inner core screams do A.I, A.I. A.I I am unsure how close I can get to the topic this will be a sort of 10x challenge for me because I did not study cs alone, yet with business and marketing aspects. I tend to naturally do very well in these at least grade-wise and as long as we don't have to use a boring formular for some calculation. 

I developed a shadow about skill development even though it's the most gratifying experience. I trust Leo when he says skill will take time to develop. I also sort of trust the idea that health and energy is wealth. There are some sub-skill building thanks to me being consistent with work-out / meditation practice. Even if it is just the 30 min practical. 

Stoping to intellectualize and get more into being is so odd for people because I could cry so often at the beauty of madness, violence, pain, bullying etc. It's amazing how this can be self-transformative for people. 

I am taking currently action online 1h with online-dating getting better at that, I befriended women in real life that I could visit at least one. I will use this plattform for now learn it's system and go over to the next one. Also, journaling made me more emotional resiliant. Even thought it might does not seem like it. I was an emotional mess because of how stuff just worked. This letting go technique just turning in disambigutating the tension. There is some other shadow work technique that works also where you recall an event that trigger you and hold that emotion where it arises and divide and conquer it in a sense. This technique was from Judith Blackstone, just doing this sporadically with a solid meditation practice helps me alot, because I do feel emotions very strongly. Let' see how good I can get and sort of forget the pride of achievement and focus on joy and gratitude of having achieved a thing. 

Sometimes the most simplest teaching is the most powerful and the most complex to integrate. I currently sleep for 8h my structure is constantly changing so not being fully fit and straining my body a bit ! Is doable. I will enjoy my work day at home and create the circumstances that I enjoy. Will listen to more emotional stuff I learned and talked so much about business just doing and starting one would be better I always somewhere deep in my heart longed to do smth like this, yet now I also notice this call to service, where I need the competence. So, I will look out when I change uni for people who are interested to provide some service, so I can gain experience this uni is not very well equipped for that more technical tools and solid very solid information. 

My liste of positive focus:


  • I am focusing on postive activities that give me joy
  • I focus on positive and enjoyable people who enjoy sharing their competencies and teaching
  • I focus on my positive emotions more than my negative ones
  • I focus and constantly think about feeling flow / accpetance / gratitude and the feeling of inspiration and transformation
  • I focus on the process and let go of the outcome
  • I focus on the beauty of form itself
  • I focus on having peace of mind, tranqulity and emptiness
  • I focus on intensity and excitement 


I focus all in all to be more playful focus on the good wu-wu and enjoy the experience of transformation. I used to get trigger when people called me slow in the past even though I was already aware of the big picture when I was small. Focusing on the big picture showing reading a to become more erudite. Meditating to become more wise. Socializing to become better socially and showing up ! That is what I want to focus on. 

What I am good at is when working

I can blend out distractions very well as well as incoperate them very well, I sort of had to with my level of sensitivity. I focus on my vision instead of worries and see the good in the bad. The main issue is also with success for me I want things to be perfect and quantified like every tiny little A-Z that there is to be fully explained for people as simply as possible. Sort of an elite effortless performance where striving for excellence is the reward in itself instead of pride of achievment. The joy of performance, I am looking to let go of resistance currently and finding that joy again with this letting go technique. 

On the weekend I will read again about habits and the warrior archetype and talking to in the integral mans group about dating even especially with someone from the SA Bay area who was is close with someone from Deida I have an excellent fking connection that I am immensly grateful for. That I am even alive today by the odds what my body produced it's amazing. For now focus on health, taking things slow, enjoyment, working presently efficiently with enthusiasm. Noticing how stupid being erudite is from a basal ganglia perspective I don't ask your neurosurgeon as well as tapping into femininty and masculinity more from the dao book. Being acceptant is more yin and looks passive and feminine, yet there is tremendous power in that. The point is maybe feminism and sort of this intellectual we can have upwards mobillity and a happy classy, material life focused on eudaimonia. Which I am certainly fault of like having a message at a spa in Baveria and taking a hike through the woods to be regular. 

The point is being successful and focusing on being balancing that is harder then I thought even though my bias as ennea 4 is towards equanimity and balance. Having certainity in uncertainity. I never thought after my certain stuff that I could be that good at uni. Just by changing a few key things, now I have new ideas and techniques yet I miss the tasks and templates to do this. 

I feel good about myself that I am becoming more erudite. Being erudite in itself is nothing inherently wrong. Following Leo's work there is nothing inherently wrong there are so many warnings, yet Leo like my mother said and I know she is right, yet by saying this alone paradoxcially she causes it. People can't live my life for me. In the sense of take action be couragous and fail and learn and learn from success also ! She is correct. Yet, I feel this level of complacency in this comment that it's just good advice.... There is not much to say at this point besides more positive stuff.

I look at my intention regularly also I notice I have a fear of working when I fully feel into it like right now it'S sheer enthusiasm. As I know this is something that I want to do. I'll be working with this technique from Shinzen more I don't give it enough credit. My life is getting better and better and I think hmm... it's still moving to slow. I am already working smart in that sense and even being prudent. The bias towars reason as an emotion for understanding I can sort of see it now more clearly why it is important for sense-making. I'd love to contribute in that way also. 

So this is my current plan / idea. More positivity in this journal like I said when I need to rant I will rant as consciously as possible lol. Yet, there are so many beautiful things in life why even complain. The point is I still notice this dread of having to work and not having automated smth. so I can sit on my island and meditate lol. I am follwing my life purpose soon done with the last book that I did not consume in some form. 

I presume from the emotional scale perspective a gratitude journal is more impact for than a success journal. I presume I tested this now for approx 2 months+. It's good, yet the LP is not as time expensive and these 10 minutes I spend writing down this stuff is better invested in a long-term vision. With my meditation techniques I will work through the emotional issues with more love insights. Truth in a sense is overrated and yang has yin , ying has yang. 

My efforts will pay have and already have. Success is joy ! Not pride. Success is enthusiasm not hard work, resentment channeled etc. All of this can be part of it, yet I refuse to be affected by the negativity of people ! 



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I love drum and base because it remindes me of the idea of impermance as well as shows me that emotions are just fleeting they come and go nothing is forever solid and I can enjoy this one life that I have instead of feeling guilty and blaming myself because I notice my potential and could do more. 

Enjoy that I have this potential and cultivate it. Cultivate everything piece of it with joy, enthusiasm and acceptance. Have vision and visualize my future. People trust me people help me who are positive. I help people who are positive, also compassion is a super power. I am learning more about dating, yet I am pretty sure I find a way to upgrade this stuff for me at least. Pretty sure. Pretty pretty sure :D.

Remember the joy of planning, remember that even if I find a beautiful girl of person in my life eventually they will be gone. Dead completely disappearing out of my life. All I have will be memories as well as vice-versa. Let alone to get into the space of finding solace in grief being able to cry and re-unite with the feeling of being alive. Thanks to someone dying is paradoxicall. What good is virtue ? When it taxes your health ? 

Definitely up for a good meditation retreat and healthy food. I'll seek more connection and dig up more stuff. Also, let's perceive Leo in a more positive light everytime I read a comment from him I have this notion of blame that runs through my entire body. Even though I can imagine he writes this from a space of pure beigness as well as this could be an issue. So, I won't forget my neutral spirit :D. Take the teachings and run !
WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. :D Being playful with the right people when adulting is such a pain in the ass. 

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Solved this fking issue it was such a simple thing as so often I don't know why this happens so often. There is so much information for any tool given present that it's often times just the most simple thing. I had this issue sort of running behind the scence for a month. Exactly today a month. I did not invest time into it thanks to priorties in a sense. Yet, I love it that my intuition is correct. It's also somehow like this the most just and socially just people are treated like moral scum and moral scum is treated with utter shit. Pride is a bitch of an emotion I swear to god. That this is even above anger shows me how important being self-interest from an egoic perspective is. I notice my pride is scorn often very often and I sort of look down on people when I feel angry so I am like between this scale of pride and anger. I seldom experience pride fully though as for instance ennea 2 does and it's odd. 

I am unsure how to deal with the paradoxical nature of things I have a new match and the match deletes me ? At least a new message from the course worked. I wrote one message to much and the girl that I like does not text me back. 

Circular nature of the perennial bullshit. I'll continue with my plan for this year and with my life purpose also very very also. When I am done with the surgery, I will gamify my life more. I bought a book about gamification and I will sort of see where my user profile will lie, also I do have rebel tendencies a lot so a strategy of changing identity works. I sort of have to double paradoxically double helix dna code my dna code to dna my code. To code my dna ?

The more I step into being the more it's fun and fine to conceptualize as play from a being standpoint, obviously as much as your egos will like it. 

This is also an issue this part of my feels like raging self-actualziation, yet I really do not know the emotions of pride I can constantly sense the sheer beingniss behind it all. Anyway I make the best out of the stuff and corret mistakes. I somehow love to correct the negative, I think also this is a reason why people do not like me and usually ennea 1's can appreciate and tolerate my negative nature. 

Definitely using the tier 2 model more, gave me a shit ton of insight into people and how I can influence them consciously not them me with their egoic horse crap. 

I will book the micro retreat today and do 1h dating tomorrow I will be working in the lab.

I procrastinated the whole day to fix the fking issue. In 2h. This is what I mean with stuff is pointless and I could work on multiple projects being more vatta minded. If there truely would be a solution that requires time I would send my mind grokking yet there is fking none ! It's just effort. This is why I like doing heavy lifting in a sense, yet it's more like heavy research with the amount of disinformation. I don't even need to read papers because nobody has done this at my fking uni and a hobbiest could do it. Whatever I hope they can use this thesis for smth. larger and someone who has gathered more expertise. This simple step even accordingt to the Scott Young article is the one that takes the most time. Actually it's the most essential. 

I am glad that I am incoperating principles as well as I can and stay clear from toxic people. I am not perfect, I know that again this for me is positive. 

Let's coin my term sort of . Essential effort. Create more blue order in my room, enjoy strategy, enjoy order. Remember the most simple things are the most complex. It's like learning how to play with pawns in fking chess. I still don't know how powerful of a piece that motherfucker is. 

Competitiveness for me is striving towards excellence. Healthy orange is good and compassionate and usually want to work. I am just happy that I can close this re-vamp of a chapter in my life. Root cause has been basically complacency, not reaching out for help as well as finding friends with common goals and some socializing. I am so out of this place when I am done.

The most thing most people do not do that is simple as fk and I find my hands placed in also is follow the advice A-Z, this is painful and frustrating often. This is basically what I learn and want to learn still from going to uni and doing my masters and not complain. The intuition part I can do that myself. Yet, for now it's fine.

This year focus on success as conscious as possible
Dating/Sex as conscious as possible 
Using principle as well as I can 


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I am a meglomaniac longing for another dimension. Where is your authentic madness ? I wonder. 

THEY ARE ALL LIKE MY FREAKING AUNT VEGAN SMOKERS DECONSTRUCTIVE BIAS. Man these paradoxes are the oddest stuff ever in dating. Being healthy is not cool. Being unhealthy is cool. What is the message behind it again industry is destroying us by unconscious consumers. Then we choose according to beauty then noticing beauty is toxic ? 

I have no idea anymore. I can see why orange moderation and why people choose this as well as how stupid legit stupid these people are because they are the ones causing the problem above lmao. Whatever my opinon.

It's okay for now I This is positive as I know what to focus on.

Healthy systemic moderation of big picture thinkers who accept the spiral. AQAl call it what you want. Currently all I feel is bias. 

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I emptied my stack I send out messages while watching the videos from the dating course and applied what was said. As well as I could I am doing better than I think, I miss some important basic stuff and don't rig the game in my favour and then the inperson stuff will start. 

I bet from the information that I have I could still somehow message the girl I like so much and build that connection via friendship I went way way to hard and researched some stuff that might not work ? Definitely requires more testing. Send out two messages to the two girls who seemed interested I make the emoticion mistake currently. To many of the basic :);) faces. 

Girls apparently get tons of them, I did not yet create a fake profile to check what current messages are being sent, yet I take stuff out of their profile. I receive good matches. I have to say that there are many that I would not date based on sheer physical apperance. 

I talked to one of my friends did not know he is into dating that much, he at least get's results told me he is ready to talk, he is already filtering out red pill stuff since he consumed that even MGTOW. Which is odd for me. Some advices overlapped that he filtered. 

Let's see how this will turn out. 


I do have an issue with seeing myself as a person of value when I meet others because I can be so intense and emotional and others are more masculine in the sense of pride ? I usually prefer the creative side and I feel man I did get that 10/10 match quiet quickly that was like playing chess 200 games and I made a brilliant move. That was sheer fking dubov intuition. 

Anyway, the point is I was more emotional and creative and masculine with her. Yet, I missed the friendship and emotional connection, she was so emotional in a sense stuff she told me, that all I would have needed to do is be myself and not try to impress her with my preperation. We could have just talked and I sprinkle some of the juicy questions in.

I do like this format, tbh in a weird way I believe if I am out with friends I could be very good at hitting up girls. I was usually the one who entertained the f*ing girls when the *bois* were doing dumb stuff. 


Also, I feel okCupid is making it harder and tinder would be easier. Especially since I made professional photos, yet I like the challenge and the quality of people that I can find. Tinder will be good, yet also very modern. I presume. So, yeah. 

I am improving. I will buy some drink now play chess and book the retreat. Then I am more in deep work mode after the retreat. This is highly important and my competitive side wants to strive towards excellence and be great. To embody stuff that my friend is missing so he can find what his heart truely longs for when I am honest I'd say that is true. Not outcompeting him. Yet, what his higher self is longing for and often it's that co-creative connection. 


The course is very fun ! Looking forward to improve dating and create my life. I can test a variety of things tomorrow for my thesis. Hardest thing is over now tinkering is the name of the game. As well as a solid, ultra-clean, preped preperation. Including maps this time ! Proper models and proper explanation of them, with technical jargon. Clean blue class. In yo face. 


This is it for now, I will get more intense after my operation and sort of chill now to stay connected. To see a guy with no legs wrestling receiving support. Because of his passion and determination. I can identify with that. That is passion and that is the connection. 

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What is positive currently ?

That I am expressing myself.

That I can see mistakes that I make when I type.

That I can rest assured the "hard" stuff is over.

That one of the girls texted me back.

That I have a Prof who supports me and his students.

That I learned some new terms. Primus inter pares. Höheres unter Gleichen.

Contraceptions = Empfängnisverhütung.

More positive focus. People accept my demands willingly because I ask politely.

My raging "intellectual" parvenü humour makes people usually laugh. 

Deconstructing the right things is fun as long as there is no harm.

I usually receive better results with less effort and less games for instance when it comes to video games etc. 

I love to learn from the ones who know more to practice my intellectual humility. Currently wondering what to churn my conceptual mind in when it comes to tech. I could quit my a.i certificat project as well as finish it and pay 400€ apprpox.

I am wasting time now it's not easy to take things slow when you can learn quiet fast and just have the right kind of guidance.


Let's see where this dating stuff will turn out at least I have more bodily oriented orgasms ? When I masturbate lmao my nervoud system can't tale this and I am shaking all over the place. Imagine imagination.

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Being more emotionally aware now, I just walked through the cafteria I was late and I notice how I unkinked my nervous system even through sexual practices and I feel more whole when I type this. The point is I notice I gained depth as well as positive feelings are very close to negative ones. 

There was no emotional level present besides fear,desire and neutrality. They all long for a stable emotional state of reason ? I am currently understanding this emotional map. I notice there is a strong emotional energy of rage of wanting that was projected upon me thanks to envy. While I embody envy as an ennea 4. 

My Prof. just helped me fix the issue. As well as the emotional state of reason is smth. that I can learn to practice as well as to unkink my nervous system by working out. This helps alot with trauma. I took my gym bag with me and will feel more positive emotions as well. This is instant feedback.

On the weekend I'll be receiving a good slap of consciouness as most people just focus on my pathology for some reason. I notice it's fine to strive towards exellence. I can now do what I want to do and enjoy my break for like 10 minutes. 

Meditate for 1-2 years on positivity to unkink my emotional side and take retreats for gaining depths in consciouness. I will see who I will meet to participate in a conscioues journey. 

Leo is still creating a conscious experience for himself with more consciouness fullness of love.

I booked my retreat. I can just relax and code and implement stuff for now. Still, there is much to learn ! Still for me I could have invested more time in knowing yet the whole dating spiel is so prevalent in ones 20's it's a serious issue. I focus on positivity and learning I still am looking forward to provide the best possible experience for my partner and accept the person as she is. As well as to support her interests. Deep down I truely long for this.

Looking forward for the ennea 4 group session today and building more resilliance. The point is my nervous system is so sensitive it's an issue I can sense tension 40-50 meters away when I feel tense.

Doing gratitude journal online and will test if that works:

- I am thankful for my mother taking care of me and supporting me fully
- I am thankful for the weather and the beautiful autumn vibe 
- I am thankful for an open-minded liberal Prof from which I can learn type 3 stuff
- I am thankful that I can trust my own experience more
- I am thankful that I intuitvely find the right practices that serve me

That is about it felt good writting this.

I also have to change the idea of success and achievement with pride to enthusiams, joy, play, peace, love and effortlessness.  Going to listen to some Eckhart then continue with my stuff.

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I know I post a shit ton I had like 200 posts before I started a journal on this forum. 

The only way I feel pride and self-interest weirdly is when I see myself as god, this is good  to know when it comes to sort of escpaing the negative stuff. Also, my mantra for one year was to fully love and accept myself and I get into the emotion of love. Fortunately this is above reason. 

Looking forward for authentic matches I presume some things are just written. As well as I am interested in growing myself more emotionally this will help me tremendously as wanting to be a conscious leader. 

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Made some progress have some ideas. I will talk with my psychotherapist about blame and the issue with my nervous system and intensity. Also, going to continue with the dating course. There are some issues I like to address as I member I have the issue of comparing myself to others alot and seeing myself in a negative light as well as to dismiss compliments. I accepted a compliment today and it really made me feel good. 

I also intended to try shamanic breathing to work these kinks out mindfulness will serve for now, also not taking psychdelics currently is clever as well as noticing how important it is to eat and live clean to feel alive and also make spiritual progress. 

Also, I often feel like it that Leo wants this not to be about him, yet about his work. I mean he could at one point not even tell if he kills a puppy. I often wondered where can I get my sanity check in the end this will be an issue when taking psychedelics.

I have more ideas about my trajectory of where I can work, yet I often notice how good I have it now I often was blamed because someone feels ashamed. This enneagram courses I bought provide alot of value that I did not think of at first. It's suprisingly insightful when it comes to human relations. It's a process acceptance is very good.

Consciouness work till now has been the most gratifiying experience I could have as a human being. "Consciouness" also I can make another contract with myself for my thesis that I will get some 5-meo / malt or look for an ayhuasca retreat and pick up the project psychonaut where I was left.

BUT FIRST the operation, it's an odd space to be in. Much love to Leo. I rarely say this and it's not easy to say what you mean. Also, holding models more loosely is important. Even 30 minutes of meditation helps me tremendously to recalibrate my nervous system. Now to some dating advice ! Let's improve ! Let's understand Leo's teaching as well as his work without demonizing him. There are some healthy parts of that from a psychological perspective. Yet, for now contemplating beauty as a holon sort of backfires a bit because of health and bias that I see according to what I consumed as well as Deida IIRC spoilering intuitive stuff. 

The point is I really feel hurt because I trusted Leo so much and till now there is still sort of this toxic glee toxicity subtely. That is the attitude that takes things for granted and is a sure sign of complacency. All in all I just trust Eckhart what he said above. People go through growth stages and enjoying life and it's beauty and transforming the negative stuff and becoming stronger, emotionally more reseliant and seeing the beauty in the ugly. Is beautiful, virtue is beautiful. The point is I never cared about truth till I saw Ralston, yet he seems to be playing so well with energies it's fascinating I really wanted to get into zen body being, yet for now I just chill and focus on my life purpose. 

Learning dating principles focusing on implementing the advice. Letting go of resistance. 

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Miss the time where I used to be on point. The purpose of this journal is to remind me that personal growth involves changing my habits as well as this value currently holds the strongest weight. Finding and creating sense through logic in my life and then letting go of the map is one of the beautiful things that I have been neglecting. First when math with logic was introduced to me I saw it's beauty sort of. 

As a reminder this forum is a tool and I trust the people who are conscious. I would take everything I write with a gigantic grain of salt. As my life is currently not very secure in terms of outer circumstances. It is secure, yet I am the one making it insecure. The point is the political stuff that JP pulled off ruined some of my frienships. I want to move and make new conscious friendships nobody is perfect. 

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Booked the retreat. Prof and assistans where not there. So, I could not open the door and work in the lab drove home. Will work from @home. 

Strong desire to build intellectual capital and have an influence with consciouness in the field of programming either through consulting or working on a programm that enhances peoples lives significantly. What I am doing right now I could theoretically try to sell this as a business model. Although there is some competition and the neccessary skill is needed. The technology is slowly coming IIRC, yet there needs to be a stronger middle class. So eventually this will pay of in 10-15 years or so. Also, I could shift working more into the direction of augmented reality. 

Contemplated a bit how I can associate myself more with people I do have a good eye now from whom to associate with mostly I feel. People leech of my positive energy and people who are positive can appreciate that. I also feel alot of pain and there seem to be a lot of assumptions based on success and skin color and stereotypes where the conglomeration of the people themselves keeps the perpetuate the cycle. So, I will just presume this is the commonplace and avoid it. There are good hearted people that I can associate myself with people come and go I enjoy how positivity is manifesting itself. 

Gratitude journal exercises definitely kicking in with the factor of well-being people presume that I am high, because they are addicted to their fear. Can't see fear as excitement. I keep looking out for people who are positive and uplifting as well as have my best interest in mind and I theirs. 

The point is for me to feel above this feeling of pride into acceptance and I already achieve way better results. Balancing being and doing is not as easy as I like it to be. I wish someone would have presented me programming when I was 6 or 5 or even younger I really loved computers at that age. I still do, yet I want more nerds who are kind and are willing to contribute towards not destroying the planet and constantly causing disruption and pleasure seeking behaviour to make people addicted to everything. The point is becoming a linchpin for any organisation is fking hardcore and I still don't know if I am choosing the correct way by choosing highly reputable companies and doing their courses. That is sort of the lazy, smart, save way. 

It's very pleasant going outside today and the autumn weather. Going to set an intention for the retreat to figure out what I can do with my life purpose any the next step for which uni to apply. In one dedicated 1h session where I feel the most profundity and choose that path. For now what is the fundamental solution. First thought enviromental design !

Meaning I just clean my appartement create some order and be happy about that and continue working. Also, to create solid routines and disentangle that feeling of suffering that sits in me. The point is I became so sensitive while being sensitive after eating and buying more healthy food and stoping addictions. It can be to much to deal with this and there are some issues with my psychologist that I most likely have to air with her in a discussion also this will pretty soon be over. I notice I am not depressed and take action. This is just mostly because of the experiences I had in school etc. Releasing that emotionally is not easy. I could do the shamanic breathing exercise on the weekend after this retreat to get rid of some emotional trauma and get more into being with my body and consider health/healing topics. This diagnosis did hit me and was quiet unexpected especially when you are considered the epitome of health from an image perspective when you are tall and the commercials that are being played as healthy. Now the "skeptism" kicks-in which justifies anything most of the time as long as it works. 

Anyway, enjoying Karios and next weekend I will do a second small challenge of shamanic breathing on the weekend and watch the entire episode to release some emotional held feelings. 

Also, I will get more into the practices and be practical as an enjoyment of doing and enjoying doing in being. After the operation I will twist myself in a pretzle again if it is even possible ! LOL otherwise I have to sit every meditation retreat and then stand up move take it slow and be a tortoise. 

The point is for me also a fundamental issue is connecting to a reality that is non-toxic in my physical reality and that allows growth and opportunity. As well as seeing my interests as a priority and making time for play. Figuring out what is play for me ? Besides video games, exercise, hanging-out with good friends, vacation,  riding a bike.  The edx and cousera courses definitely give me that space. Also, I am letting go of being addicted to the past and this story telling stuff. 

So, next weekend I will do this IIRC it's best done savely at an weekend. I mean 30 minutes of this is going to be exhausting let's see how much of it feels save. Also, 4th day of dating challenge 86 days to go. Acceptance and joy is doing not pride. 

Also, I really like the UR quadrant reading more about the body and the micro will help me more wondering, yet this will be done in the 2h reading. Next year more science reading. This year will be about success and sex. Next year probably science and sex practices.  

This is what psychdelics revealed me that I have this interest for science and engineering which I never thought I had I was so prone to think about people, connection and socities, dominance structures and growth structures, systems that compare to other systems. The point is a lot of these people seem frustrated and when I come in beaming with positivity they think I am taking drugs. 

Going to see myself more as value. Let the hater energy inspire me to focus with anger on my goal and be laser focused. As well as letting go of the feeling when I am aware. 

That is about it for now a fundamental issue for me also is the desire of competency at a very high level while I did not practice enough as well as this theoretical hatred against pragmatism. As well as pragmatism alienating people as well as myself desring a connection and accepting the connections that I have while denying them. Is a bit of a paradox that I can't fully resolve yet. Sort of finding a safe space for me is not easy. As well as Leo really imprinted me with the noition of intellectual hubris intended or not. It definitely spilled over a bit. Emotional wise it's fear not turning into enthusiasm most of the time, then people do not share the enthusiasm / interest and the scorn begins sort of this pride feeling is what I want to let go of even if just with sheer mindfulness. 

Also, this bias against concepts won't serve my survival. It will aid my dating life, yet won't serve my survival so conceptual learning is still fun ! Finding inspirational people who have this high energy and sort of psychopathic enthusiasm is rare. I mean I can contain it very well, yet this getting into the zone feeling is smth. I was practicing while working out with HIT. Now, welp. Symptomatic solution this journal. 

Definitely changing uni tired of blue/Orange orange/Blue fear based shadows with Profs. More green please MY GOD. Clean green is so freaking good. 

Also, asking people more spontaneously what they are doing on a weekend could help with the feelings of alienation. I saw myself as a "worker" for so long. Changing that image into smth. that serves me and could aid me more in my quest. The best I can come up with is an autonomous being on the spot as well as an interconnected being. Simply being helps me to get out of this competence rat race mindset. As well as makes me feel more responsible, so I am choosing these two above rationality. I'll show them that.


Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Weekly assesment of what I've done since I threw away my success journal. What can I improve upon ? 

Positive stuff:

  • Process on thesis making progress new ideas finding certainity in uncertainity of the information chaos
  • New hot girl high in compassion and not being offended by my skin color lol
  • Integral Men's group was very fun to hang-out with the guys and be in masculine energy without having to feel guility of even the energy
  • Having received two meaningful compliments 
  • Booked the retreat
  • Having positive interactions mostly with others
  • Making progress learning more about online dating
  • Full support from my family (now !)

Improvement stuff

  • Positive emotions and association with positive people
  • Feeling more into my body 
  • More positive thoughts
  • Clearer life purpose about what and how I can have an impact 
  • Combining being and doing 
  • Could buy a small trashcan for organic waste as well as exchange the big one for a smaller one
  • Ideas for enviromental design
  • Going to read atomic habits again on the weekend 
  • New audiobook listening to systems thinking once again
  • Schedule my week again in time blocks and schedule my free time very important !! 
  • Accept the paradox of knowing / being / doing and letting go of knowing / being and doing.
  • Talking to my friend about dating ! :)

Take the certificate by the end of the month and take the next two weekends to practice the last few models. I have an issue sort of relating to people the Ennea 4 group yesterday made me aware of that what was positive is that I can relate paradoxically to people very well 1on1, yet in public it's not easy because of a sense of shame.

Going to go on the gym I recognize my personal achievments till now. That I made progress I am letting go of my self-criticism. Afterwards buying a beer and just going to do the dating stuff. Created part of a fake profile to test messages that work. Not going to abuse it like the guy who made 10k presenting himself as a girl online. 

I have emotionally issues with gathering information and becoming succesful because of this issue with pride it's a very odd emotion for me. Feeling the emotion is intuitivel 100% smarter than to not feel through the issue. Reconditoning myself to have an positive outlook is also very good. More positive things hot girl greets me in the gym after small talk.

Basically I can reduce my vision and focus to two components my life purpose and my thesis. The resistance of resistance. Getting used to being more hardcore. Going further expand my knowledge base and be aware of the bias of not knowing conceptual stuff. As well as my rebel identitiy based tendencies. I rely a lot on my emotions to re-condition my feeling is definitely worth it. 

This feeling of inferiority and low value when I feel into it and let it go fear again turns into enthusiasm sort of mixed with hope and compassion. 

Largest distraction currently ? My emotions and unconscious identity. 

  • Lack of a positive attitude of discipline even though I cultivated some of it.
  • Lack of a reward that feels rewarding
  • Consitent worries about my health 
  • Paradoxically not walking outside for a while for 20-30 minutes or so.
  • Reconnecting with old friends that do not serve me and remind me of mistakes 
  • Not going into the gym paradoxically
  • Not being able to create a mindset currently of 100% commitment
  • Comapring myself on the forum subtely I've let go a lot focusing on my own achievments does help me

Just going to read more and learn about dating also working on my inner games as well as possible

Fundamental solution again is discipline and meaning creation. Read some stuff about qualia. Journal itself creates meaning for me. Going to ask Shinzen about emotions. 

It feels weird to embody this wisdom archetyp at this age. Is it so weird to not grasp this and grasp this. I really do not know for instance how people can get so deep into existence without stuff. 

Certainly do want to learn from other teachers unfortunately shit happend. Moving on will go now to the gym and just enjoy my beer and do the dating course. 

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I forgot my mask, so did not go to the gym played games with some friends and drank beer.

Saw 20-15 international students hit the city. When I bought some beer. Did 1h of the course I liked the course. Played games for to long. 

Commitment to becoming world class is still an issue when it comes to programming. 

Going to buy some food and enjoy my saturday do the 1h dating eventually go to the gym.

Still, looking for a place where there is positivity.


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That is actually dope.

The unawarness and awareness of people is obnoxiously paradox. 

SES arrived meditation retreat again. Going more the issue is going to be laws most likely with this digitalization stuff. My god. Technology in Germany I don't even have a self-checkout in the supermarket. Talk about spoiled, priviledge etc. Horeshit. Fking horsehit.

Gives me more desire to develop smth. what our uni did and does is so good, yet people are just not that interested yet. Oddest region on the planet. I definitely want to get more into science topics balancing being and doing is not easy.

No idea what was going to happen we never had this as a goverment adminestration. Life purpose is more important. Consciouness is definitely higher than in the u.s. 

  • Retreat
  • Thesis
  • Improvement
  • Hobbies
  • Fun

The issue with obession for me is with programming is that it takes a lot of time and is fking hard. This is why I want support from a university etc. As well as support. 

Where is my passion and obsession this is what I ask myself there never has been anything that made me obesseive, I watched the ralston stuff. I really wanted to become a pro-gamer when I was small. I don't know I like everything that is cutting-edge. 

I rather flow / structure and trust my intuition at this point. Nothing has ever been perfect for me. Today is a beautiful day. 


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Reading 1h today. I think I am done with my list I've read a book or two per month and consumed a couple of audiobooks. I am just happy that everything goes away from Jordan Hitlerson. This guys stuff is so misapplied and misunderstood I liked his lectures. Yet, what Leo says is true this fear based personality of him and call to work (This is not what Leo said ). Just open up a gulag and concentration camp and put a bunch of people there in order to kill themselves with responsbillity. Instead of letting me grow into a responsible being without blame and fear based mechanisms. 

Going to read either 1% atomic habits / radical honest or seth godin the dip. More success based books this year. Applying this to projects I am unsure how good my psychology is because some stuff is biological and I am not denying that, yet to not make it rigid science and to explore it with fun and enthusiasm is important. 

When I ask myself the question what is essential I would read radical honesty first before the 1% atomic habits. I have so many notes regarding this I can just open them up and create a new habit routine. 

Working with emotions is paramount. Also, reading in German more as I said going to order books more in German as much as possible. To outperform others so consistently with low effort feels like a fking hack. As well as my pride habit is scorn which does make it especially fun..., as well when I receive that energy. Anway going to enjoy melancholy autumn let's prepare for winter. Till summer bickering kicks in. 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Not going to read today drank to much coffee and procrastianted I notice the acidic quality of coffee while meditating it was good at the beginning, yet the longer the retreat the more I notice how I treat my body overall and all of it's activities and processes. 

No insights a tiny bit of this pithi jhana stuff a lot of people talking about pain. I notice a lot of pain / anger / resentment and sort of a scratchy feeling in my throat. I don't know what that is. 

Going to do the dating course thingy for 1h now and continue. Positive focus joy, enthusiasm was there for a bit. Apprecation of the sense was there for a bit. Pride as a meditator was there in my emotional body and thoughts. It's okay. The dating course is quiet fun. 


4h sit over practically did some stuff in motion and the guidance was on point as usual. The american context triggers a lot of rage.

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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