ValiantSalvatore

Life Purpose - Journal - Personal Growth

1,091 posts in this topic

This journal will be more clean then the last one. This constant perpetuation of identity is for me currently the cause of most suffering. Creating constant dukkah for myself and others is one thing that I am still learning about. 

What will this journal be about ? Mostly about integration and learning sharing what I have learned, also during more darker times. This is part of me being authentic as well as congurent with my values. I noticed that one of my top 10 values which is honesty is somewhat corrupted. I tend to avoid giving direct answers to direct questions, because I feel that an identity is projected upon me. That is one key pattern that I'd like to change and I will change. I will give direct answers the key thing here is I tend to do this to authorities, I do not give them direct answers, because I fear that I am being seen as less complex. This is what p*ssed me off talking to Shinzen, yet at the sametime I felt in retrospect that he respects me more because at least I don't take everything he says verbatim and I look up what is correct and not and find out what is correct and or not. 

What did I learn tbh, I am at a point of no return, I scheduled already my next retreat and I helped my neighbour today which again a lot of synchronicities from here on out, it can only get better. I've been appling my speed reading techniques and created abstractions as far as I can from self-help books. There are so many techniques for instance like polarity therapy which can work, yet I often intuit that most things can be done easier. 

----
About Balance:

Vispassana worked apparently for Shinzen the driest of the dry. I love that this guy still has humour, yet it's amazing how subtle it is. I still respect the dude to much and notice when you see the buddah on the road kill him. Some of the terms I do not recall instantly. Now I had a bunch of aweful experiences at uni, mostly because I did not mingle with enough women there, it feels way more social and I personally feel way more protected to work with women instead of with men. Depending on the circumstances, doing spiritual work and handling the politics of day to day existence is not as easy as I'd wish it is. Good thing is most beings do not care they are involved in their own drama and maya. Talking about it even adds to the attraction factor of bein mysterious and deep. Another thing I asked during another weird kriya experience is how can I access and or reach stream entry, I asked this one coach from Shinzen and he told me IRRC he did a retreat in Burma for 3-months or so and reached it. Also, slowing down and or speeding up the process of ego death is in the control of the person doing it. Is another key take away from the conversation.

This will be a longer post, because this is something that I wanted to do for a long time. 

 

First things first I will not tolerate any comments that are xenophobic, mysogynistic, racist and or have no sense of humour at all about these topics, I retraced the people who wrote in my journal. Some of them got banned, because I complained about unfair treatment based on my skin colour, everyone is fragile, it depends how far you can see into that to even talk about it and tolerate it. I also wrote some semi-hostile stuff, more as a complaint, yet I sometimes forget how fragile people are, also how important it is to have developed friends who do not engage themselvse in this kind of thinking. There are some very crazy books out there. This is mostly a reminder to myself I will instantly ignore. The point is I keep the conversation alive by being alive, what is the point in even talking about it then ? I can't delete the colour of my skin. As well as the amount of ignorance from earlier stages is amazing. 

What is this now about balance ? Mostly I long to write about something substantial how I achieved more balance in my life, especially thanks to science podcasts as well as taking care of my health. Resting my circadian rhythm by going outside for walks in the morning and in the evening. Taking in light via the retina, using blue blockers when working late as well as when reading in bed to not use overhead lights. There are other things I wrote down taking notes, yet refining this mastery process of personal development as a hobby takes effort and energy. 

Working with my psychologist gives me again more balance she has experience with people of colour as well as has done a retreat in sri-lanka. I am able to talk about meditation experiences with her, yet I can see the limits of psychology when it is not transpersonal. There are experiences she has proccessed where I notice: "Oh please no projection". Again I am happy that I've read and that Leo found Wilber. 

Currently I do not have as much time as I'd wish I'd had to watch all of Leo's video I am taking action on the LP-Course and focus on more the practical side of things while digesting enough theory to keep me motivated. I always prefered theory over practice, yet practice also creates theory. Becoming a better trouble shooter for now is key. Also, being bold enough to increase my skill set is key. Finding and striking the right balance is still not easy. 

WOWW - On striking balance: 

  • Weekly planning (hourly basis)
  • 20-30 min meditations positive visualizations
  • Exercise 4-5 times a week
  • Monthly goal setting
  • Reading 2h on the weekend
  • Gratitude journal
  • Socializing I am a social person
  • Getting up early going to bed late
  • Caffiene on a bad day for some motivation I am not perfect
  • Eating 3 meals a day currently 
  • Earned hunger
  • Less appetite
  • Deep work sessions
  • Concept maps as notes
  • Box method as notes
  • Speed reading easier stuff
  • Letting go of perfection
  • Accepting emotional labour
  • Creating positive can do attitude
  • Creating an ethos with others
  • Say no to unneccessary obligations
  • Success journal
  • Uplift others, stop being passive

 

There is more, yet I am unsure how deeply I processed the interior of these theories so far, I've always been intersted in social theories. Yet, for now this is about making progress with my LP as an artist. As well as exploring my capabilities to achieve my dreams and goals via balance. I am not 100% accurate on the things above, as well as there is a lot of theory I consumed in a sense and to integrate all of this, is not easy. I will read more about buddhism in the near future. Reading and understanding Wilber gives me a headache without reference experiences. One key thing that I want to work on also is to have more playful and conscious humour which is not easy. Especially intellecutal humour tbh, I love it, yet I then again become very hubristic because of my upbringing. Coming from a working class background is not very fun, especially when you've always longed for expertise in an technical area which requires a degree of technical expertise. I like science a lot, learning about it and talking about it with others I notice how closedminded people are. Gosh I dislike playing a parnevu, yet it is part of playing this political game. I was not presented who had degress etc. Now even being "identified" as gifted is such a weird process. Because again this is mostly about Enneagram theory which is a stage yellow approx. personality theory. MBTi is very orange/Green as well as Green/orange imo. I will dive deeper into the enneagram, because I care alot about relationships. Forunately and unfortunately. 

----

Growth SD:
I'll give myself a rating from 0 - 10 based on how much I embody each of these values to see what I currently need the most and also, for a "micro-holonic" review.  I am currently not stable enough to experiement with psychedelics and will work on creating more personal growth as well as sticking more to survival themes. 

Green:

 

  1. Love, heart, soul, empathy, intimacy, kindness (7)
  2. Compassion, mercy, leniency (8)
  3. Humanism, liberalism, social progress (9)
  4. Equality: gender, race, economic (8)
  5. Everyone is equal (10)
  6. Egalitarianism/Democracy (10)
  7. Anti-materialist, anti-consumerist, anti-greed (8)
  8. Social conscience (7)
  9. Supporting humanitarian causes (5)
  10. Activism & protests (5)
  11. Live-and-let-live attitude (9)
  12. Diversity, multiculturalism (8)
  13. Cosmopolitanism (10)
  14. Flattening hierarchies (9)
  15. Cultural relativism (10)
  16. Relationships, bonding (6)
  17. Pacifism, peace (8)
  18. Finding common ground (9)
  19. Harmony (8)
  20. Human well-being (8)
  21. Interpersonal skills (6)
  22. Warm interaction, hugs (8)
  23. Pleasing everyone (7)
  24. Sensitivity (9)
  25. Femininity (6)
  26. Teamwork (6)
  27. Dialoguing (8)
  28. Sharing ideas and feelings (9)
  29. Mind-altering drugs (9)
  30. Exploring altered states of consciousness (8)
  31. Spirituality (7)
  32. Spiritual but not religious (10)
  33. Communal spirituality (6)
  34. Environment, ecology (8)
  35. Back to nature (7)
  36. Sustainability (8)
  37. Recycling (8)
  38. Human-centered, heart-centered communities (5)
  39. Protect the vulnerable, help the downtrodden (7)
  40. Redistribution of resources, level playing field (10)
  41. Inclusiveness, everyone gets an opportunity (8)
  42. Don’t exclude anyone (10)
  43. Tolerance (10)
  44. Openmindedness (10)
  45. Free love, intimate sex (6)
  46. Sex education (9)
  47. Cooperation vs competition (9)
  48. Animals, children, the disabled, minorities (8)
  49. Creativity, beauty, art (9)
  50. Gurus (8)
  51. Bringing people of the world together (9)
  52. Socialism (5)
  53. Crying, expressing vulnerable emotions (8)
  54. Intuition over logic (10)
  55. Right brained (7)
  56. Health food & exercise (8)

Max = 560 points
My points = 470

I've been very green from the get go because of my upbringing with a lot of homosexual people in my enviroment and I enjoy their company usually a lot more.  The point is it is not about having 100% in each stage, yet growing in each line the most difficult one for me is currently emotionally. So, what I am looking for since the emotional line, also stretches through from arachic to magic to mythic to etc. I presume I feel emotionally very Yellow currently, I feel I did not do enough healing work and working with small t trauma and big t trauma to be fully emotionally open. Also, I lack experience in relationships. My current LP goal includes dating and I will setup an online profile pretty soon. I already did a shooting for some good looking and handsome picture and asked some of my female friends to rate them. Again here for me key difference is feedback. The values above generally describe my attitudes that does not mean I act them out 100% all the time, I feel there is not much growth anymore needed here. To translate this stage. I still like the idea of stages. 

Still what I can work on and will work on since my personal sort of umbrella value is personal growth is the following: 

Green values to work on:

  • Free love, intimate sex (6)
  • Interpersonal skills (6)
  • Femininity (6)
  • Love, heart, soul, empathy, intimacy, kindness (7)

These are values that I want to know and get to know more about and I will definitely discuss some of the issues I had in the past with intimacy. I've read a couple of books now and I generally do better then I think with women, somehow, yet I still lack experience. 

Good thing is the more I dive into my masculine nature of activity and presence IIRC this is correct, the more I understand the feminine nature.

Yang = activity, masculinity
Ying = passivitiy, feminity 

Again this is mostly from my personal notes, I still am not the greatest researcher and or scholar in that sense, because I fail to create an identity that includes this more seriously. Because I would work 90h a week then and receive burn-out. I still am learning unfortunately in that area. 


 

 







 

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About the Enneagram:
I am not typing people and or friends anymore same goes for stages. I digged my own grave doing that, as well as I notice how incomplete my understanding around this topic is. The ennea is mostly a tool for me to engage in relationships with others and thrive as a leader being able to understand my role in a given situation. Unfortunately, playing the political game consciously and ehtically is not as easy as I'd wish it is. 

I am a 4w5: I am part of the heart and head triad of fear as well as sadness / doing. The heart triad IIRC is the doing triad. So 4,3,2 in the ennea is the heart triad. Also, as a 4 doing a course about the ennea, my annahata is blocked and opening my heart and feeling inside my heart shows me how deep my heart and or conncetion is. 

Everyone embodies their type differently

Growth as 4:

  • Self-discipline and freedom are key
  • Seeing my current emotional state as a reflection of what is happening in my right now and not as my identity
  • Not identifying with my emotions
  • Not escaping into mental, fantasy and or idealizations of what can happen in the future without taking action (yellow castle building is similar)
  • (Personally) Working makes me the happiest - doing stuff XYZ makes me the happiest
  • Self-renewal is of the ennea 4's spiel as well as it's highest growth function on level 1

 

Higher quality of being:

  • Spiritual absorption
  • Often times they are mystics
  • Dive and go deep into meditation
  • Cry a lot 
  • A lot of emtional upheavels

 

Basic Fear:

  • Loosing identity

Basic Desire:

  • Creating an identity

Vice:

  • Envy

Strength

  • Equanimity 

 

One of the key characteristic that stood out when I took the two courses on the enneagram over at integrallife. Is that re-framing envy as longing is key and that there is a lot of desire to go after person x, material y, persona z. This to re-frame it as longing and not envy is even better then thinking of terms such as desire, IMO. Desire already implies that you long for it and do not have it. Longing accepts that you are going for it and a part of you feels it already has it again IMO. 

When a healthy 4 is growing the 4 moves towards 1. 1,4,7's generally get alont quite well, a good friend of mine is a 1 and we get along quite well, they generally are the ones who's higher quality of being is perfection. Which makes it intruiging, for me. I am not all to well read about the ennea, yet moving towards 1 and getting into the creative process of correction and error, feels very fullfilling as a higher quality of being. As well as leads personally to more flow states and peak experiences. 1's are part of the body triad, they are generally the ones who are very sensitive and feeling, yet also experience a lot of anger. 5 is part of the head triad where they are part of the theme of fear which is dominante in them. 5,6,7 is the head triad. 2,5,8 generally get alont quite well and 3,6,9. I don't know why the facilitators said they have more commonalities. I can see why, intutively can't explain it yet logically. 

I have a strong wing 5. I will dive a bit deeper into all of this, since this is stuff I am thinking about on the side. I also like this because it helps me to understand characters in movies and or series more. As well as in books. 

I will dive into 5's next week, and create a place where I feel I also nuture my need for recognition. I never received a lot of recognition for my work, and or my grades etc. Letting completely go of external validation is insanse. There are also ways this theorie interacts which methods and techniques work well for me in personal development, as well as in spirituality.

The ennea also helps to avoid spiritual bypassing. Which is again as a remainder to myself the way I use spirituality to disengage with real world problems and personal problems. 

There is other stuff I want to write about. I will post my goals and share them here in the community to create some pressure and to receive some dopamine hits, to feel that I rewarded myself. I do these things mostly for it's own sake, finding the right reward has been difficult for me. Posting what I know and what I learned as a strong w5 definitely helps. Because me key desire and or longing is to be an expert in an area. When I move towards my integration which is 8, I will become highly creative and pioniering. Also, from the course there was an exemplar on the panel who works as an software engineer (southern roots) he get's into tunnel vision, this is what he talked about he was quite integrated. I notice when I endlessly analyze a topic, it is best to start doing and get into tunnel vision. It's nothing new, yet still this theory is highly interesting for me. 


All of these patterns also dissolve with mindfulness. (The whole ennea types) The key thing is knowing that the ennnea is a UL as well as LL quadrant theory it is biased and skewed in that we, yet can be applied towards all quadrants. 

Anyway: I thought I'd again type some spiritual teachers because they are sort of public figures and see if they truely embody their higher quality of being. This is my opinion I doubt any of these are 100% correct.

Shinzen: 4w3 (Aristocrat)
Ralston: 4w5 (The bohemian)
Sadghuru: 2w1 or 4w3 
Adyashanti: 5w4
Ken wilber: 5w4
Eckhart Tolle: 5w4
Deepak Chopra I thought he was 9w1, yet he is a complete different type.
Leo already typed himself somewhere as 4w5 IIRC

 

This is just for fun I've always liked persoanlity theory. This journal also serves a higher function to create meaning as well as it is a review plattform, which is public, so it helps me to stay on track with my goals. I've created an enviroment where I can work towards. My goals, key thing is to not get hooked to the forum. She was one of the facilitators inside the course I liked her a lot. She is a type 7. Without getting into SO/SX/SP stuff.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PxeNK6COiY

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Will not be able to finish my training for google.

My laptop had an issue that I fixed because I enjoy working with multiple screens.

Today is a good/warm day and I longed for working outside. I will meet with my mother and eat ice cream, as well as continue doing the training at home.

I edited the pictures for my mobile game today, as well as worked 140h approx on the project.

The depression definitely spiraled my productivity close to 0. As well as feeling suicidal is not fun. Enjoying the simple things right now is beautiful.

I will read for 1h and post some of the actualization work. I've done while feeling suicidal and depressed. The understanding around this topic is not to good inside the general public.

I am happy that I have a kickass psychologist that can help me. As well as a new friend who helps me with the topic of giftedness. I will continue with deeper PD work when I am more stable. I am very sensitive to bullying and higher standards around ethics.

I still love a.i and will dive deeper into that topic after my project or I will run and gun down the project. Moocing is very fun and receiving certificats will help me grow as a developer.

Priorities:

1. Health

2. Uni

3. Success

3. P.D

My day is usually structured around these subjects. I failed so many projects as a cognitive system. What I've learned is that failing more and gaining more experience is the best way for me to grow.

Ideally, I will finish my second book this month, which is great progress for me.

My deep work sessions are legit. I finished two books about dating in my deep breaks as well as took notes.

I will definitely discuss past heart aches I had with my psychologist.

 

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Success post:

Almost finished the book I will write a tiny review about it when I am done most of it is stuff that everyone knows intuitively. Yet, I liked the quote from Goethe in the book. Here is the quote.

“All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, until they take root in our personal experience.”

I planned the stucture for my upcoming week and will use the principles suggested in the book as well as be critical about advice. I'd would have loved to finish the book I am 2 min overdue with my sleep schedule. There was some advice for sleep in the book that I will use. I will plan my week tomorrow morning more fully, I planned two days ahead. As well wrote down my weekly goals. 

 

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Success Post:

Talked a lot during a photoshooting for my Linkedin profile, I am unsure if I am going overboard with this. Yet, I looked at the pictures from everyone and saw that some are not smiling etc. 

I took some pictures for dating also, and I am generally suprised by the feedback I receive from people and that listening to the audiobook linchpin gives me some insight. I overslept today, I can't push myself 100% because of my knee and the assiocated mental stress that is created. At the sametime again working on my vision makes me the happiest. I got distracted playing chess, since nobody legit nobody wanted to play with me when I was a kid, now again this game can be infurating and with more discipline I could be better, I presume I am doing fine, yet again priorities matter more.

Balance and integrating what I know as well as expanding my map is very important. I am very positive though that I will change the tip from the book helped with sleeping today even if it was very simple. I took a course from Ken Wilber and did 90% of the exercises I did not do the exercise for stage turqouise as well as I notice how long it takes to fully understand each concept. Like turiyatita, (which means the fourth) as well as ohter stuff. The section about power was the most meaningful for me on the relative domain of existence.

I, also listend to Shinzen and my talk yesterday and I noticed how much I do not understand about spiritual maps, only listening to audiobooks I have a lot of reference points, yet studying all of these maps in depth takes time and I noticed even Shinzen can't tell me what ultraviolett is when he did not read the book as well as I might be wrong. 

The other thing is I realized how unaware I was as well as that I am going through Bangha and or dissolution which also means that this is from from talk the 3 jhana and for some it is complete bliss for others it's this. Unsure why and or how also, that people start howling and stuff or see stuff at these stages. I do have the time to look into it, yet again I worked 3h on my project so far and at least figured some stuff out. As well as notice how deeply entrenched I am in my own shit, because I did not realize the importance of survival early on. It get's easier nowadays to focus on being a creator and seeing and acting that way, losses do not hurt as much as well as success and wins feel more fullfilling. I tend to give more of my personality also and look out for sila and generally I am rewarded with kindness and virtue of people. It's amazing what women tell me and how they still fall for their a**holes as well as how weirdly attractive it is to constantly talk about spirituality and or stage purple concepts. Astrology, palm reading, a weird folk from a weird place, somehow mostly gives the enviroment a warm and friendly touch. Even deeper spiritual concepts that are translogical can work if the person is spiritualy inclined and open-minded. 

I am procrasinating a lot because, I often feel this is better then to not take care of my mental health. I long to create my life purpose as consciously as possible, so I can feel happy breathing the air that surrounds that place that I am working at and that I am not stuck at a place where I do not feel like even breathing. I mean this verbatim and not symbolically and or metaphorically. 

I still have problems with proper eating and proper meals now because of my knee that amount of food and the amount of preperation I would need to do in order to live fully like this is to much. As well as there was a section of a course about nutrition from a cell biologist, I believe was on Leo's book list as well as is the author of plant nutrition+, she talked about how insuline sensitivity plays a role when eating carbs and that you can test this at a local doctor. I definitely noticed that my insuline sensitivity should be quite high, and the whole process of how glucose is made into glykogen and glykogen is like a fat deposit that we can draw energy out of. When the glucose deposit is fully used. Again I do not have the time to go into cells and what I recall from biology classes with semipermeable membranes and insuline or whatever the connection might be. The key takeway is the insuline opens the cells for glucose and a normal nutrion should look like 1/3 carbs 1/3 vegies 1/3 protein. More protein is fine and less carbs is the best according to her. Eating fully bases is not easy I don't even have that much space for food on my plates and I bought bigger plates. I bought a book fortunately it my knee thingy is genetic and I can have an operation to fix this issue or I stretch my leg into infinity and re-correct my bones. I will definitely operate the procedure is recommended by doctors as well as quite save, even though it sounds brutal. 

I got hardcore sidetracked I lost my 30 min chess game, because I was to happy again. It's weird being me, I most likely have to much serotonin cursing through my hemispehres and or cortexes. 

Will continue with my project now and will plan the rest of my week, work out and do my google training. Still the food issue is not easy to solve, eating to many carbs causes flammatory issues eating basal food takes a lot of time to prepare. I am still very sad because of this situation even though I cultivated a lot of resilience thanks to my gratitude practice, I am developing more grit. Point is I enjoy journaling a lot this is why I type so much, even if self-expression is a green concept generally as a 4 in the ennea this is one thing 4's long for. Writing more systemic when I listen to these audiobooks I steadly question what is really systemic about it if nobody includes the microcosm, not everything can be explained in a "big" way without the interconnection and symmerty of holons. But w/e I could also be spewing false verities. 

 

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Success Post:

Almost done now with the first part of the google training I found one guy via Linkedin who studies smth similar, and he also did the training and found position that he apparently loves. At least his bio is showing that. He is also near my region and only one person has this amount of experience. 

Unfortunately the certificate expires. I will finish the rest of the training tomorrow. There is tons and tons of stuff that I long to improve upon, yet again this is a catch 22. Especially for spiritual progress longing creates suffering. Again suffering ain't that bad as long as I do not overdo it, problem is I tend to overdo it. 

Did my workout today worked for 5h and the project and 1h on the Google Training, generally creating more order is quite good for me. I got hardcore sidetracked after my photoshooting, I tend to talk to much. I never thought I would change that much, I sometimes don't even notice. 

A lot of other stuff I'd love to write, I will journal and enjoy the forum as long as it feels cleaner and I am not interested to increase the level of pollution by spewing non-sense and being full of hatred as well as antagonism, because things are not fully working out in my life. I found a way to use some other platforms to create the career I long for as well as dive deeper into subjects, the point is for me slowing down and speeding up ? 

I watched a lot of DR.K when I was depressed and I was happy to see someone talk about psychology without a western bias who brought in ideas from the east. Obviously they are not new, yet I never heared about ayurveda and stuff like this before in a bit more depth. That is one reason I started kriya yoga, also because I started feeling better. Kriya Yoga though is one hardcore practice I am unsure if I would do the entire book and they are starting to talk about mahasamadhi like wtf. Why do I read this book ? Again, the point is I am working with Shinzen not talking buddihsm with this guy and or using terms from Sanskrit or Pali won't help in diagnosing my progress. Again a mindfulness coach is also very good. Reaching stream entry is not as easy as I would love it to be, as well as not as pain free as I'd love it to be. I am not the most flexible person sitting the entire path on a chair waiting for a knee operation is kinda f*d. I started stretching before. 

Anyway this is what happend on one of the retreats. Obviously different post is obviously biased.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUryO_vJT1o

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Morning Post:

 

  • Woke up late
  • 20 min positive visualization
  • Gratitude Journal
  • Success Journal

Eating breakfast currently and preparing for my programming sessions, I feel more content writing in a journal again that is public, I dislike hiding everything that I know and think of and craming it down into one single book that no one ever is going to read. Also, this holds me accountable to my story, as well as helps to keep track with PD. I bought a timer where I can keep track of each project and how much time I spent for each project, so I can see where I can improve and how much time I actually spend on each project. I definitely will be careful to no distract myself my morning routine is quite tedious, so I desire to wake up at 05:25 am, yet I woke up today at 08:00 am. My perfect morning routine looks like this.
 

  • Wake up 05:25 am
  • Shower (10-15min)
  • Use gel stick for my scar (2min)
  • Use tongue cleaner (3min)
  • Brush teeth (5min)
  • Walk outside 10-15min
  • Do 10-12 min stretching for my knee
  • 20 min meditation currently no 30 mins anymore
  • Breakfast (15min)
  • Gratitude journal (2-5min)
  • Success journal (2-5min)
  • Nootropics / Vitamins (Vitamin D and Bacoopa Monerie)

Approximately I am done around 07:30 let's say on a day where I can keep my routine. The early morning walk helps my circadian rhythm immensly and keeping overhead lights away at night definitely improved my sleep quality. Leaving the windows open as well as the shutters completely closed also helps me, I never thought I would be that light sensitive, yet currently that seems to be the thing. 

Close to 10am here now, going to work and follow my plan as well as possible. I definitely long to use different tools to have more control over my current life situation. Vitamin D supplements and working out helps a lot for depression as well as not sleeping in to much. I overslept because I did the Google Training yesterday and talked to much on the phone, because of my heart triad becoming active. 

Distress/Panic.

Also as w5 in the ennea I love to see statistics and progress bars anything that includes numbers and a scale. So, using this for work is a motivator intrinsically as oxymoronic as this might sound. 

 

 

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Depressive moment:

I've read in a book that writting worries away is great when there is a lot of emotional distress which is currently up and coming again, there has been so much discrimination, loss and hatred in my life, corruption, ego maniacs and generally non-compassionate people who run through my life. That I am amazed by how I am still longing to continue on this journey, so many people are already ahead of me and my head spins in comparrision mode again, not focusing entirely on my vision. I've found again new plattforms and my road certainly does not seem to be the easiest one. I definitely am a person who benefits a lot from discussing material and having a mentor. Doing stuff ony my own and creating stuff on my own has never been a strength of mine, I work better in teams. Yet, I barely find one, people generally like me and enjoy my company, yet somehow when it comes down to working in a team they all already have partners. I often feel unfortunately this is based on priviledge and homogenity, I can go to class and ask tutors billions of questions while other suddenly have the solution from someone and I will be double checked if I am doing something illegal or not and people with a migration background also are never really that deeply included. I am fortunate that I am tall and can associate myself with the tall people somehow still all of this socializing although I am not the worst, having preferences unfortunately seldom served me. Being proactive definitely helped me and generally being among the top students believe it or not is quite weird. I am just a regular dude, who does his work sometimes I wonder what I can do to work in a team and gain more experiences. I never had the connections to work somewhere and gain significant experience, the people that I know are so far ahead because they knew what they wanted to do since they were 4 or 7. Now going through this onerous process hurts a lot emotionally, I did not read the correct books in the past I trusted the videos from Leo to much and the experiences I made during internships and during work and travel where simply not enough, I still despise my upbringing and my parents for what they did the still support me. I still hate them a part of me really really hates them I did some forgivness exercises which helped, yet all of this past pain swells up when there is a deadline encroaching each time, I am obviously learning something new, setting arbitary deadlines, creating a contract, tracking my time spent for each project. Still there is so much that I long to understand on a relative plane where others had the opportunity to learn and grow and I feel sort of like this black sheep even though I have never been one. I am unsure how deep all of this pain goes, I already hate my parents for not teaching me english and seeing others speak my "mother tongue" better then me hurts immensly, it's not some weird arcane language like bella russian, not it has to be english the language everyone speaks. This comparrisson mode runs amok sometimes, focusing on my vision and interacting with supportive people let's me forget.

Also, reading and embodying what I have learned gives me mental strength as well as fortitude. Accepting things as they are and arise is one key component as to how to continue on this path. Tbh I hate Leo a lot sometimes for the content that he produces and I blindly follow it because it resonates with me, there is so much to learn and my life style is completely different. The content did help a good amount oftentimes I feel I would be better off not following any of it. Now I followed other teachers and content still all of this rambling and sadness is currently overwhelming. 

I am fully support now and feel helpless because I derived my entire sense of self from outside circumstances and was conditoned partially that way, I feel like crying today the whole day instead of lifting a single finger, this immense sadness and the amount of alienation the people I follow endure is somewhat to much. Still it is better to write all of this stuff down I don't know anymore what to do or how to make progress. I find so many ideas and ideas and ideas and ideas and ideas and way to doing things. Then I start doing then lives literally pisses me in my soup so often, I don't know why and or how then again it's a sign that I lack control. Then again there is so much theory in my head about personality types, excuse XYZ instead of doing the thing I distract myself to feel some pleasure. I've been doing so well after I came back from China found a person that I deeply loved did well in Uni and at the end rejected her because I felt that our paths would diverge. Instead of gaining experience, the culture difference and not having fully experienced american culture sometimes, makes me sad to follow Leo's content. I feel a strong emotional pull towards everything that is american and still again cling to creating an idenity and fearing the loss of identity. That I fear mistakes and people always told me no this is no correct instead of accepting the situation as it arises definitely never helped me. Dwelling in the past also does not, yet again this is a depressive moment. I know when I start working now again I will forget and everything is fine. Yet, the past year because I spiralled into depression and smoked weed again and played 1000h video games, because of a lack of connection towards others and the ones I connect to spew unneccesary racist non-sense have to say the n-word and feel superior or think it does not affect me. I whish all of this would stop, still as long as I have an identity and I was emotionally scared this way since I was small I mean I did so much f-ing shadow work and it helped me tremendously, as well as there are so many assholes. I truely want to actualize my vision. Caring about these people and thinking about them is a waste of time, I will repeat that 100x times till I will never think about these people again. There are people in my life who truely love me and accept me for who I am. Still love does not buy you shit, having values does not buy you shit. Time and energy contracts and I was born into the position that I am now in, still young, often not feeling young enough. God, I'd wish I would not have to go to this last ditch effort of getting rid of all of my sorrows in that way and using this forum once more.

Reading and doing the exercises sticking to principles and following my goals and creating the right kind of enviroment is of utmost important. I still feel not all to well today, lack of certainity again and generally to much uncertainity. Others believe in me I believe in myself too, yet sometimes I really do not know how to make progress I even find fking mistakes from my prof during exams, I mean please stop this. I will talk to someone today and ideally this will help. Spent enough time on this forum in a negative mood. I love sharing and being positive and uplifting, yet I cry writing this it hurts when you are often the only one who shares that kind of energy, even during though times I am usually happy and jolly, unsure if this is a mask to hide my sadness which it certainly can be, yet creating a new self is more important then deconstructing the old conditioned self currently. I am positive that my work will payoff, the emotional expenditure that I am going through hurts a lot. I despise myself for touching weed again, yet I can understand why I did it, when someone dies in my family and I see this person dying constantly infront of me as well as my grandpa dying in front of my two people dying at the same spot in the house, this sort of feels very tragic, I also sometimes do not know what I am doing. Yet, lacking emotional support is a key theme in my life my therapist certainly helps me an animal even helps me more then my entire family. I can't talk to my father I feel so much resentment towards this guy, I am unsure how I can work this stuff out besides with sports which helps with trauma. I can't do EMD therapy and what does not exist. Changing psychotherapist when the current one is working is also not very well advised. I would do better in my life if I would receive more external gratifications I often feel that I am taken for granted this constant giving without holding back as a masculine essence is heart breaking as well as I do keep boundaries. I keep them quite well as far as I can tell, still I don't know how much work there is left to do. Having priorities keeping priorities following the right advice, finding new techniques using new techniques working on what works. 

A coach would definitely help me I will apply for some mentoring in software related stuff and read books and learn out of my successes and failures. Being an having an risk-averse mindset and thinking this is smart was definitely one thing I regret doing. Embracing risk and taking calcualted risks gave me more happiness a more adventerous live and more joy I could ever dream off. My dreams also kept getting weird I dreamed that my cat had smth, the next  day my cat was dead. I was stuck in russia in a ball out of glass swining through the entire celling of a building after I went into an elevator then I crashed and the place turned into a playground for kids, I was sort of free, yet I wanted to get out of this place as far as I can even out of this country. 

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21.07.2021

Finally able to post I definitely keep weighing the option of is it worth it or not to use to forum. The forum is definitely a tool again, I will repeat this 1000x times a tool for personal development. I notice that I crave attention and that generally this feels very good to receive some level of attention, tbh I've been taught to intrinsically value most things in my life from early one, so when I do one thing it is highly intrinsically motivated. There are some issues with that and constantly creating motivation and inspiration does work, yet there are times where these things are just on a low. I ordered a new journal for success that also has some mindfulness component. The stage orange power hour journal I presume, it is designed to be used only once a day which I prefer. I currently use two journals one for PD reasons and a bullet journal. I noticed that my morning routine is not working anymore since my cat died and I don't know why, I've reset my timer to wake up an hour later and to go to bed an hour later. The trick with leaving the windows open out of the book somehow helpd. I skimmed some articles about sleep, again when the sleep component is handled I can be a productivity monster. I scheduled my next retreat and a habit tracker is implemented in most apps I use so I don't need to use a habit tracker for sports and for my goals for my lp, I use my whiteboard and create a grid and write the goal above the grid, this helped me a lot, yet I notice it is a bit to simplistic let's see if the new journal that I ordered will be of good use. Having a rock solid routine is still one of the hardest things for me if it is not forced upon me by a system. I will use this journal again as accountability practice see what works and what does not work. 

New Routine: Sleep/Morning routine

21:30 - Take hot shower
21:45 - Go to bed with book/audiobook (this does not matter)
21:45 - Leave windows open/open one shutter lightly 
21:45 - 22:30 - Read or listen to audiobook and fall asleep

06:30 - wake up with alarm clock and math riddles
06:30 - Standard morning routine - meditation, shower etc. 


The only thing new is the time (1h clockwise) as well as leaving the shutters open a tiny bit so sun light shines in. Concatinating as much as I can from science tools and tips. Yeah the oh so great science.
 


Some good vibes for studying/working/coding/productivity
 

 

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21.07.2021 Ennea post

15 min post then 10 min walk then continue working did 3 session of deep work, as well as I could with deep breaks as well as I could.


Enneagram type 5

Cognitive Habit: What others expect. Detach and observe
Basic desire: to feel competent and useful
Basic fear: to feel incompetent and useless
High ideal/quality of being: omniscience
Vice: Avarice
"Best practice": non-attachment/detachment

What can I recall from the course and notes without looking at my notes ? 

Fives in relationships tend to require a lot, a lot of information and as soon as you pushforward they will push backward detaching. It is a head type, so they are run by fear as a dominant, negative fixation. Being assertive and pushing towards receiving an answer will not work with 5's they gather a lot of information before they make a decision. I am a w5 with a pretty strong wing. I notice this a lot that when consuming information I tend to gather a lot before I can distill it to a single answer or cue. Then again endless concatinations of concepts. Sort of being in this 5mind personally as a wing feels weird, I'd have to learn to detach from my theory and not having enough theory. Letting go of understanding and knowing, sort of activating what shinzen calls auto/don't know mind doctor ingonrante in latin ? This sort of activates this higher ideal of omnisciene thought accumaltes itself automatically, answers pop up automatically. Solutions pop up randomly and this can be trained apparently. Main theme of this course was also to use mindfulness to detach and penetrate these patterns of cognition. As a 4 my cognitive habit is best in what is missing worst of what is here. Sounds quite negative and 4's are certainly unique. As a 4w5 I am a bohemian which is weird, but fine. 

5's also receive a lot of compliments for what they know and often work in intellecutal fields as researchers or knowledge workers. Unfortunately the people in the course were quite old, there is one young guy who as an type 8 who did yoga, that dude was hella interesting and funny. 8's "over identifiy" with others emotions the whole body triade is the feeling tirad. 

I'd wanted to analyze my family also my mother is a 9w1, 9's have a lot of positive qualities, but the complacency part is part of 9's doing and they can be very negligent which I certainly felt. Unfortunately my psychotherapist does not work with the ennea, since there are psychotherapists who work with the ennea. 

 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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10 min post approx: (Deep ?)

Fixed an issue with the game that I am programming for android, I am happy that I fixed the probem :) 

Definitely a success I bought 4 books as a reward lmao, about success from Leo's list and one not from the list. It is amazing how many coincidence I have when I check this forum and what this guy posts. He hates one thing one minute, then I scream random shit during a retreat about Yuga's then he post MAGA YUGGAAA I mean cmon, who makes this shit up ? 

I did 90% of a Ken Wilber course which was quite dense, I contemplated each stage besides turqouise according to their instructions, I definitely will change my enviroment to do the courses properly, the course from Keith Witt the psychologist over @ intergral life has some great insights where I see . Oh, I am legit not a total red flag, yet again the course is quite dense and has tons of exercises that he advises to do over weeks. Also, I do have red flags let's not kid myself. 

Becoming more confident and kicking out self-doubt definitely helps the positive visualization and reading about success also, when I contemplated stage orange during the course (with extra notes, the extra extra) I notice I have 0 drive for achievment, but 100% drive for excellence which are two components of stage orange. Same goes for stage red I had almost 0 drive to create a lasting momnument like the great pyramides of egyt, or a my final manifesto of XYZ, yet I had a feeling of vulnerability and feeling unsafe. 
 

Again every thought at every stage increases the translation of that stage. Without enough translation transformation/transcending is to aggressive, which I've certainly been faulty off. Yet, again I've been the dude who does the minimum and receive a lot of benefits from just doing the minimum. Sort of doing the last portion of the pareto principle is quite demanding, yet this is where effort pays off. I definitely noticed integrating more stage orange since the entire world is basically run on stage orange to a degree, is best to follow, I am certainly shooting for positions that integrate higher stages and again taking up software engineering and meditation, going to retreats etc. Are all signs according to Wilber to be at teal. 

I currently have a planning issue and although time management is my best skill. Goal setting and achieving was neglected by me. Reading more about success and having done the speed reading book now 2 or 3 times definitely somewhere payed off. I sometimes let myself be biased by science instead of trusting my own experience which again is a different conundrum. 

During my kriya/bangha experience I felt like I could experience past lifes of people everytime I talked into the microphone a completey different story unfolded in my head I started to become very sensitive to smells because they immediately triggered mental activity. I felt like my whole reality would shift into a dream world, I even received a cMRT just to check everything is fine with me. My god. The one cool thing that happend without getting into more detail, because I will keep that story to myself lol. Is my second name is legit persian and from the religion zoroastranism I never knew a religion likes this existed and is also translated to saturn. This takes for me personally at least all of this new age stuff to a very weird zone, where I can't tell anymore how much did people in our past knew, when I start reading a book about black history and ancient egypt and the author (a Dr) calls her daughter atlantis. Then wilber writes about how a society at a non-dual stage looks in ROT it's amazing how worth it is to do this practice and that I am literally standing on the shoulder of giants, then again it's sort of scary and interesting at the sametime what he writes. Cybertech morphing with humans, it's better to watch Star Trek at this point because it's already reflected by what people envision. 

By the way my second name has the frequency of saturn which is associated with life purpose as far as I can recall. I literally went bonkers during that retreat. Still no idea what to think of this experience as smth that just happend. 
 

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Had this in memory from a huberman podcast above

https://www.flowfitnessseattle.com/blog/you-can-and-should-eat-carbs-at-night/

Finished my workout doing currently max 30-45 min, increased strength, was able to do more pullups. 

One key thing I took from the audiobook that I listend to is to do sprints when there is a demand on time constraint for instance for business etc. To create a new sales pitch or create a new plan for a product, create a new interface, create a new website, create a new design for a website, for an interface. ETC, similar to SCRUM. 

I had the idea to implement some sprints into my schedule for tasks and sprints are focused on a single task IIRC. Also, you don't do them daily. There was no time constraint the example gave 20 mins for 6 weeks of work. Which is weird to assess, yet it is similar to "Brian Tracey's - Eat That Frog" where you develop an let's do it ! attitude when working on a task and complete it as fast as possible with as much concentration as possible. The only point I have that works against this is ( I did not finish the audiobook yet) for my projects I either need the skill or the experience to create smth, that fast from scratch. So, I don't know yet how to include sprints besides for e.g "sprint reading" a section of a book. I will definitely try this now with some coding examples. So, I am finally done with that Java Book. The forum currently serves quite well, as long as I can write the stuff that is stuck in my head on paper I feel well.

Also, one key take away from the book was to constantly write down ideas for the project, business, start-up. Which I usually do not do. Because I then feel compelled to integrate them. I'd rather first gather information and then apply it. Writing down ideas for my project, I already defined those. I once wrote down 10 ideas a day which helped a lot and is generally something I do before I start a project. This one sort of had constraints now I found a way to blow them. 

Sprints definitely will be included, yet for a longer time. I did when I did not have the issue with my knee 10 sprints in a row with small breaks, so doing 2 deep work sessions in "sprint mode" is the same no ? Not sure if I am being bullshitted by the book. Or the let's do it attitude and eckhart tolle's excitement from the new earth are just the same concepts on different stages. (blue, orange, turquoise ) Can also be experienced that way ? 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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Using notion definitely is the way to go for projects. I am still getting use to all of the features the app has . I studied 1,3h in a bit more depth in the first Java Book obviously as a repetition of what I've learned. I notice getting more of this achievment drive internally managed by using timing methods and charts, scales and progress as a w5 pays off. 

I know which tools to go for. As a 4 I already enjoy that I can change the background picture to famous paintings and create sort of my own unique project theme. Yeah, I over did this chapter a little, yet I longed for understanding the chapter in a bith more depth. Will, also use my new routine today. I will meet my psychologist tomorrow before she is going into her vacation. It legit feels like she is never there, she has great "feng shui" IIRC, lmao yet she does not offer a lot of therapy modalities. Which is a bit unfortunate, yet again I was in a pretty deep place. Also, being an ennea 4 I like what Corey over @ intergral life once said, that he thought he had a life long depression, then he realized that he is just a 4 in the enneagram. I definitely want to attend one of their coaching sessions about the ennea and about masculinity. Currently they are not offered there, yet conscious integral female friendship groups. I thought about this for a while unsure how strong the hive mind is from the female perspective, yet there seems to be a reason it is not offered for males. Women/Men. 

Writing a lot definitely helps me to keep my mind clean. Point I still struggle with is cleanliness I am unsure how I can handle so many projects with constantly cleaning up, i need a proper file cabinet for my notes also. I am quite serious about this stuff now as well as I don't like my "designer" book shelf, there is no order. I'd rather keep them on the floor lol. I will read the new coding chapter in bed as well as play one round of blitz. B|

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Missing water definitely. 

I don't know what I can type in 10 minutes besides that I woke up to late and that my morning routine did not fully work there are a lot of people walking outside of my appartement at night, even though the area itself is quite and tbh, just perfect for the current moment in time.

I will work on my project again today and talk with my psychologist about this issue. It could be based on adenosin, yet I stop drinking coffee 8h before bed, I woke up 20 times or so today, for no particular reason. Waking up in the morning I feel the happiest usually, also taking a walk outside for my circadian rhythm helps me a lot, yet getting myself to wake up and do smth in the morning is not hard. I am still feel this depressive mood in my body and sort of pulling myself out of that mood and going through life regardless is quite good, yet a solution for this problem that would solve it entirely, would be great. I will look up some tips and tricks how I can wake up in the morning. Using a glass of water and doing push-ups etc. Does not work. I definitely long to make this habit more attractive, I don't have a timer for my coffee machine and tbh I don't even like coffee that much. It's mostly the social aspect that I enjoy about it. I don't know I feel since George Flyod died and the conviction of the murderer happend as well as through covid a lot of people changed their attitudes in a way. At least that is how I feel, yet again I am going through a lot currently and receiving support is great. Otherwise, working on my goals and vision usually makes me the happiest and gives me a feeling of accomplishment and competence. 

Short ennea section:

4's are moody and withdrawn as well as they often where neglected or felt like an alien in their family searching for a sanctuary in books often. They are very emotional belong to the heart triad and are masters of the process of self-renewal they can make even the worst experience in their healthy function to something of value of themselves and others. They are highly intuitive and emotional as well as creative. 

5's are eccentric and intellectual mostly also anti-materialists and love learning they also are a withdrawn type yet a head type ( audiobook said it's a doing tirad but I don't recall that this is correct). They often create highly original pieces of work and can be pioneers in their field as well as love sharing what they know. Timer is over I will write a post on how to change my morning routine, my night routine works for now. 

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Another 10 min post: Audibook linchpin

Chaos and accepting chaos is usually quite easy especially when you are prepared. Key principle from what I could extract while cooking was to focus on accepting the situation and deleting the current world map that runs through your skull. Again "no-mind" stuff and focusing at the situation at hand, I am usually quite good at this, yet there are moments when ethics and morals (external and internal), synthesis and following synthesis with and or without concepts can be tedious without reference experience. Fortunately books do help as a medium. 

Key principle: Delete current world map when dealing with business and or people's endeavour. Again Ekchart Tolle's acceptance.

Otherwise I could not extract all to much since it did not seem relevant besides being inspired and passionate sitting oneself down and doing the work focusing on what are the key aspects that will make a project or endeavour succesful and to work passionately at solving these issues. Becoming a linchpin definitely is fuled by passion as well as expterise being a pundit, yet not falling into the trap of being a pundit. Or experts bias. 

What can I correct here for me ? 

Focusing passionately on a few key subject and creating the self-discipline to be passionate are still areas that are under construction and certainly can be leveraged by reading more stage orange material and incoperating a strong blue mindset. I did not listen to the david goggins audiobook etc. I am way to curious (type 5) to not look into what contribtues the higher stages. Having a strong blue/orange foundation and starting with beige health. Is still one of the more important aspects. I bought a book about health which was recommended by someone at the forum. I am unsure how deep I want to dive into the subject, when I can recall that potassium,sodium and one other mineral are first of all minerals and electrolytes. As well as there are different concentration around cells and that again has an affect on the enviroment of that cell ? I can't recall that is why I want to dive deeper into that stuff, as well as ventral and dorsal / anterior/posterior effects of the pns and ans and organs. Pns = soothing nerving system. Ans = stress nervous system often activated by adernalin like cortisol and or noradernalin ? 

10 mins are over can't unfortunately dive deeper into theory and then translate that into practice. Yeah yeah.
 

 

Funnily enough IIRC trance music works similar like nature and can cause peak experiences. IIRC from ROT from Ken Wilber this correct. No wonder I like this music. Yet, again it can enforce stage red stuff as well as power releams ? My synthesis here is definitely lacking. 

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Will continue with my project was only able to work 2h so far on it today as well as I will do a 2h session now and work out a bit later and look for some tips. 

https://21dayhero.com/morning-routines-guide/
https://www.lifehack.org/768258/morning-routine-to-make-your-day
https://www.greatworklife.com/productive-morning-routine/

Read these webpage unsure what I can incoperate exercise I can't run because of my knee as well as making tea, lemon water would be great, yet I just went grocery shoping and I will look up on the weekend how to make lemon water, this can also be my night routine. Taking a walk outside is definitely good, I will do this now before taking a shower even though I prefer taking a shower first. Washing my face etc. Does not really help as well as making a habit out of this might do the trick more, the point is making it attractive as a habit is important. As well as having the right cue, I listend to the news this morning via google, which did not help. I presume tracking it is the most important thing right now I love tracking stuff. Again, I will use my whiteboard and this online journal as accountabiltiy. Will draw the grid now. I am out for today most likely. Will post after my workout and Java book studies. 

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Going to start studying for 1h after caring about my ethos. Again, I wrote some negative stuff and was angrily projecting against Leo. Which was in hindsight, not very emotional mature, being skeptical is fine, being cynic and spreading hatred is not the best thing to do. Still, I am unsure how to deal with emotions such as hatred and anger besides. Writing in a journal, talking it out, discovering the underlying feeling as well as going outside and doing sports. Most of it is handeling it not discovering it. I've bought one book about emotional mastery. Generally feeling and diving into my body and doing shadow work helped me in the past. 

I also came to the conclusions since I am doing a lot. That https://ww.cook-greuter.com/9 levels of increasing embrace update 1 07.pdf checking the unitive stage might be good at this point. There is still a lot of resentment in me during meditation retretas and being aware of shadow work and spiritual bypassing, I am generally doing quite well. Reading the dating threads here still make me feel uncomfotable about online dating etc. I will not invest in the course it's to expensive for what I am investing in currently. There is a lot of free information and the 4 books from David Deangelo as well as The book of pook and david deida stuff, is definitely a very good blueprint in order to achieve success in dating. The only thing again which I personally struggle with is success and status. Not based on true love etc. But, that this survival strive is so strong and has been for eons. Again reading David Deida and David Deangelo is quite / Eban Pagan ? is quite good knowing SD is also good. Starting with a green date would be perfect, I obviously flunked the yellow one. But hey unwiring my conditioning is weird. Constantly being told omg you look good. Women asking me even the yellow women if I am gay, because of "womenese" and all of this stuff. Is amazing how true one single book and how powerful it is. Again how shallow all of this stuff is and that humour for instance and having a vision is attractive. IIRC I will definitely go through my notes.The main thing I struggle with besides having some red flags, like god I can't plan my life in full detail. Leo will tell me I can, again when some weird butterfly effect kicks in I am out. 

Looking for a different synchronicity. It's quite unfortunate seeing solid green when working out at the uni is weird. Green and red mix so much. I've approxiamtely spent 1h on this forum I bet today. Unsure what is better. Taking the relationship course and talking with female friends about my ideal partner certainly worked, I always have this feeling that I am super good at relationships, because they are always so curious to meet potential partners of me as well as I generally am very good company as long as there is irony and acceptance. I also am very emotionally revealing which is unusual. But, I somehow take that working on masculinity and assertiveness is for me the difficult part, because of toxic feminism, and the intellecutally inclined women buying a lot of these weird radical ideas. I am unsure what that has to do with femnism or simply respecting the opposite sex and having consentual agreements, yet stuff like rape, sexual transgression, molestation etc. happen. Again, I certainly desire to learn abit more about dating body language wise I am pretty solid, conversational wise I am pretty solid, humour depends on the person I did the exercises from Leo about humour, and again I can be quite funny, yet being authentically funny god, I am so vulnerable with this I start crying instantly. No joke, I can't how can anyone believe this is funny. Mh... I will definitely, work on attraction more and converting dates into sexual encounters. When I am doing online stuff as well as writing messages. Learning languages definitely paid of a bit and having female friends and enjoying having fun being the selector is definitely useful. Still not taking their bs is weird, because I do not take it if not in a relationship as well as it hurts a fking lot. The amount I imagine I'd have to "reprimand" my partner is rather disgusting in my head, yet being assertive here is one thing I will definitely train. Enough back to Java and some food and VM's. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Ethos good.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethos

Used the term somewhat correctly, I learned that it is associated with character and being responsible in simple terms keeping my word towards people having integrity. Pathos and Logos all stem from Aristotele and Logos, Logos is like presenting evidence and Pathos is emotional persuasion. All of this in simple terms. 

My morning routine worked for today, no tea unfortunately today. I will go swimming and will work on my project now. Health wise, I could upgrade my pan, as well as I am unsure what to do with carbs and wanted to do OMAD, because you can still gain muscles as well as strength exercises boost meditative progress. Working out during a home retreat helped me a lot to relax. 3 min to go bought some "cheap" chocolate a the brand Kinder. It's so tasty, yet at the sametime my tongue get's obliterated by the sweetnes usually I eat an apple soy yoghurt and full grain oatmeal each morning. The apple and the yoghurt is so sweet usually, but eating the choclate my taste buds are just primed to this weird sweetness. 

Listend to an audiobook in the morning while taking a walk. The limbic system is closely connected to the olfactory "bulb" which is from another book "limbic system" reptillian brain emotional brain, the hippocampus as well as the hypothalamus resides there IIRC. As far as I know the hippocampus also categorizes the thalamus itself not hypothalamus is associated with story-telling and re-story telling so it is a part that gives us a sense of self IIRC.  We react so strongly to smell because it is instantly categorized ? Well it was 10 min, yet the limbic system is closely connected to the olfactory bulb.  
 

 

Edited by ValiantSalvatore
Did not enter music

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