Husseinisdoingfine

Why do women remain in abusive relationships?

41 posts in this topic

This absolutely boggles my mind. If a woman is being physically hit, insulted, etc, why don’t they just leave?

Sure, you could say not having financial recourses to leave. But I have met women where that was not the case, but rather they would break up, reconnect, be abused, breakup, reconnect, be abused, etc… 

Why is this? Why do people call their abusers cell phones after leaving? Even after physical violence.

 


لا إله إلا الله، وليو رسول الله

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Most likely because they grew up in toxic environments where no one taught them how they need to be treated. Then they trauma bond to their abusers. Women are also generally more empathetic so if unhealthy, they would “forgive” the abuse more easily. Men are more likely to be physically abusive and violent if unhealthy as well, that is why you don’t see it the other way around. Some women stay for their children, because they want them to have a father figure not realizing it is actually more damaging to them. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Women tend to think that the abuser is going to change and forgive him 

Also depends on the level of manipulation used by the abuser. Some abusers use clever tactics to make it look like they are really sorry about what they did and use words like "changed man " to indicate that they won't repeat the same behaviour in the future, only to repeat it again.

A woman stuck with an abuser is torn between the decision to forgive him and give him a second chance or to give up. This is generally inexperienced women.

Also abusive patterns are different in different relationships.

For example the woman might have faced gaslighting,which is a form of abuse in her past relationship. Now she will carefully screen to not meet such an abuser again.

However this time she could get stuck in narcissistic abuse and not be aware that such abuse exists.

Point is that women need education and awareness on different kinds of abusive relationships and a greater awareness of red flags.

Women who are well aware of the different types of abusive relationships and the potential red flags make better decisions while picking a partner 

It takes education and reform.

At the same time,a lot of women don't have Resources like friends, social media, cooperative families, books,etc so they are just not aware of different relationship patterns. 

Sex education and relationship education is generally passed down by mothers to daughters

 

If you analyse abusive relationships and women involved in them, you'll see a recurring pattern where the woman had a dysfunctional relationship with mostly the mother or the father. She didn't have a mother figure to guide her. The mother figure is non existent 

In such dysfunctional family, most daughters tend to hide the abusive relationship from their mothers.


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Because once women fall in love, their compassionate feminine nature takes over and they get very attached and loyal.

A mother cannot easily give up on her children. And that psychology translates over to her man.

A corrupt man will abuse this psychology.


You are God. You are Love. You are Infinity. You are Leo.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

@Husseinisdoingfine

Sharing some personal stuff.

So this is how abusive relationships work.

In the beginning my ex is praising me, basically baiting me to be back with him.

When I didn't respond to his texts, he started using the guilt technique to make me feel guilty for not going back to him.

5g517u.jpg

This technique worked a few times when I felt sympathetic towards him and I would go back to him thinking that he needs me and feeling guilty and confused that I might be abandoning him.

After a couple of times he did, I became aware that this is an abusive pattern and his apologies have no impact on me anymore. 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are so many reasons and it's difficult to list them all. It's like that quote that is along the lines of "all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." This isn't a women's issue and what I'm writing can be applied to anyone really. These are some things off of the top of my head based on my experiences and the experiences of others that I have observed: 

Normalization: This is a big category 

  • Could come from history of past bad relationships or a difficult childhood, Sometimes bad situations are normalized to where it's difficult to imagine a healthy situation. Sometimes bad situations is all we know. 
  • General societal conditioning: A lot of toxic ideals around relationships are normalized and trivialized by society. Some people think it's cute to get easily jealous, perfectly ok to check your partner's phone and have access to all of their passwords, justify cheating as being the other person's fault for not being good enough, overly critical boyfriends and girlfriends, letting your significant other decide what you can and can't wear and who you can be friends with, unhealthy age differences etc. 
  • Gaslighting: Abusers can normalize toxic behaviors by convincing the victims that they are overreacting and whatever is bothering them/ hurting them is a normal part of the relationship and that they are being too sensitive or crazy. 

Shaming: Abuse typically doesn't go from 0-100 in .2 seconds. It doesn't start out with people getting hit. First it starts out as something small like going against your boundaries for something petty. Then comes things like verbal and emotional abuse. Then comes physical abuse. Abuse can go unnoticed for a while and it's like slowly getting cooked alive (similar to normalization but through escalation). And in the mean time, your self esteem slowly runs out to the point even when you are blatantly being abused and you know it, you genuinely start to think you deserve what is being done to you. 

Manipulation: This goes along with the shaming piece in that over time you lose your self esteem and begin doubting yourself greatly. Manipulation can come in many forms from gaslighting, shaming, threating to harm you or your loved ones, intimidation, financially and emotionally keeping you dependent, silent treatments, withholding affection, isolation and more. This can be a very broad category and you basically get psychologically conditioned to stay. 

Addictions to the highs and lows: In a lot of toxic situations, the highs are really high and the lows are really low. And sometimes people justify the lows because the highs feel so good. Yes they hit me, but they also showered me with gifts, flowers *insert grand gesture here.* Also something that is somewhat related to this is that there is an assumption that abusive people are assholes 100% of the time. That is very rarely the case. Sometimes they are toxic 40% of the time and you use the 60% of the time they are nice to you as making that 40% worth it even if it's really damaging. Or you think that they can't possibly be abusive because look, they are nice to you sometimes. 

Stigma around being single or divorced: This is probably something that applies to women more but depending on culture it can go either way. Walking away from relationships often are framed as personal failures. And often times women's self worth can be tied to their relationship status as being in a relationship or being married is often correlated with the feminine ideal according to society. It means she's desirable and the she as a purpose. And that is a very dangerous attitude. Women are often taught to revolve their lives around men. People don't care as much about any other accomplishments in your life. They want to skip to the questions of "why are you still single?", "when are you getting married?" etc. And if the relationship goes south, people look at the women to find fault in her. I mean just look at the title of the thread. People are quick to ask why a woman didn't leave the relationship but they aren't as quick to ask why men abuse in the first place. And also regardless of gender, victim blaming is a thing. 

An unhealthy level of dependence: Maybe someone is financially dependent on their partner because they don't make enough, Maybe they are dependent on the validation they get from their partner. Maybe they are dependent on their partner for a sense of fulfillment and meaning in their lives because they can't find fulfillment and meaning in other areas of their lives. Maybe they are dependent on their partner when it comes to their social life. A lot of things can fall into this category. People can start off as dependent or they can grow dependence (for instance some people use money as manipulation and hang it over their partner's head or they isolate their partner from their friends and family). 

 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

@Husseinisdoingfine

One of the THINGS that made me feel trapped in my abusive relationship with my ex is that he would constantly make it seem like I was always overreacting to his behaviour. 

That would cause me to doubt myself. It's a form of manipulation that can work on a person who isn't aware of abusive tactics and dynamics.

When a person becomes aware through whatever sources, such manipulation won't work anymore.

A abused person is like someone who is walking through a territory without a map

So social understanding is key to have a map while navigating relationships.

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Preety_India I got a question for you? How do you pick up so much hot men? I want to fuck dudes left and right just like you do. How do you do it? 


Love life and your Health, INFJ Visionary

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, diamondpenguin said:

@Preety_India I got a question for you? How do you pick up so much hot men? I want to fuck dudes left and right just like you do. How do you do it? 

I tend to be open in communication. It's a number one thing that attracts men 

Men want open women and open people in general..

Be open with your communication with the guy.

He will love it that you don't hide anything. 

Hot dudes are put off by closed off behaviour 

Don't act too pricey. Hot guys don't like it at all.

When I interact with hot men, I don't play hard to get. The hot guy will walk away. I play easy to get. 

They like that they don't have to struggle too much to get my attention 

Also if you really really like a hot guy, you gotta show that with your eyes. Make yourself look FUCKABLE with your eyes. Get the message across that you're all ready 

Hot guys don't like to keep playing. They want it really bad. Give them bad. Make them sweat. Don't play coy games. 

If he calls you to fuck, say YES a million times and you'll see a smile on his face.

I give them all the signals that I'm absolutely fine with the hot guy wanting me, of course he can't resist that. 

 

That's the secret to getting a Hot man 

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@diamondpenguin Number one rule to remember with a hot man is that "you should never flake on them."

Give him respect, never hesitate and never flake.

Hot men are very annoyed when they're ignored or flaked on, they feel they don't deserve it. 

Don't piss them off by discussing unnecessary logistics 

Do what they say. And never flake on them.

They like "no fuss, no baggage."

If you don't obey a hot man, he is gone with the wind.

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
44 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@diamondpenguin Number one rule to remember with a hot man is that "you should never flake on them."

Give him respect, never hesitate and never flake.

Hot men are very annoyed when they're ignored or flaked on, they feel they don't deserve it. 

Don't piss them off by discussing unnecessary logistics 

Do what they say. And never flake on them.

They like "no fuss, no baggage."

If you don't obey a hot man, he is gone with the wind.

 

This ‘hot man’ sounds kinda toxic lol 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

@Preety_India ok,what do you mean like flake on him?  What does that mean?

But yeah, thanks for the insight, I haven't been really able to crack any codes yet. 

But I'm sure I'll soon raise my body count. 

 

 

Edited by diamondpenguin

Love life and your Health, INFJ Visionary

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Women stay in abusive relationships because of trauma from childhood, normally this was the dynamic of the parents or friends too, and is ingrained in their being. The same way different degrees of trauma are in all of us which cause us to act unconsciously. 

They stay out of fear for what will happen if they do leave. They are terrified of the abuser and too afraid of how life will be without them.  They will still defend them.  Like Stockholm syndrome. 
 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, diamondpenguin said:

@Preety_India ok,what do you mean like flake on him?  What does that mean?

But yeah, thanks for the insight, I haven't been really able to crack any codes yet. 

But I'm sure I'll soon raise my body count. 

 

 

If he is down to fuck, don't hesitate or say no. Be ready when he is ready.

He won't like the word "no" or any kind of "delay"

So if he planning a date for sex, don't postpone and don't give excuses. It will put him off. 

Make him feel like a king.

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Preety_India damn, you give such an interesting perspective! 

Cause usually females teach each other to behave basically the opposite - flakey, hard to get, kinda ignoring the guy and driving him crazy with all such behaviors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Hello from Russia said:

@Preety_India damn, you give such an interesting perspective! 

Cause usually females teach each other to behave basically the opposite - flakey, hard to get, kinda ignoring the guy and driving him crazy with all such behaviors

Yea I kinda know what tickles my man !

 


 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Yea I kinda know what tickles my man !

 

@Preety_India I wonder if you enjoy doing it all too? Does it make you happy as a woman? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

4 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

@Preety_India I wonder if you enjoy doing it all too? Does it make you happy as a woman? 

Obviously! Which woman doesn't like her hot boyfriend making love to her ! Lol.

He would simply whisper into my ears and i would get turned on.

I guess if a woman isn't fully enjoying her man, then maybe there's  sexual incompatibilities between them .

I used to like my guy so it was easy for him to turn me on 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

He won't like the word "no" or any kind of "delay"

So if he planning a date for sex, don't postpone and don't give excuses. It will put him off. 

Make him feel like a king.

Ummmm... what about your own boundaries, needs, and comfort levels when it comes to the pace of the situation? 

Tbh, losing sight of those things in order to appeal to a person is one of the things that lead to toxic situations because you aren't honoring you needs and you're bending over backwards for them all the time. The whole thing screams power imbalance and desperation and abusers take advantage of those things to hurt people because they know that you'll just go along with whatever they say. 


Speaking into the void that sometimes answers back 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

22 minutes ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Ummmm... what about your own boundaries, needs, and comfort levels when it comes to the pace of the situation? 

Tbh, losing sight of those things in order to appeal to a person is one of the things that lead to toxic situations because you aren't honoring you needs and you're bending over backwards for them all the time. The whole thing screams power imbalance and desperation and abusers take advantage of those things to hurt people because they know that you'll just go along with whatever they say. 

I didn't mean to say to say yes when one feels like saying no. 

If the woman feels like saying no then simply say no and move on 

But appealing to each other is what opposite sexes do for each other. It's a part of the game .

That doesn't always mean that boundaries are getting destroyed. If there is any problem with comfort level, communicate that problem.

Some girls and guys simply get lazy or flake for simplest reasons 

It's about showing the same level of eagerness and willingness as the other person.

Nowhere have I mentioned compromising with one's boundaries. 

I'm talking about having fun with a person who you're super attracted to.

It's similar to telling a man to not upset his girlfriend by saying something obnoxious 

Similarly a woman who is flaking too much even when it's unnecessary can piss off a guy. 

Not always is a woman right. Maybe she isn't respecting his needs. Maybe she is always pushing him away 

You're jumping the gun here too early and immediately assuming that I meant that the woman is going against her comfort zone 

No. I'm talking about a woman who really wants that guy bad but is playing stupid games not realising that she is annoying that guy 

Desperation is when you're feeling discomfort and still doing things.

Trying to please the other person is part of creating romantic chemistry. Nothing absolutely wrong with two people trying to please each other.

The guy is also going to please her sexually in bed. She is going to please by not pissing him off.

Now if the guy is pushing her boundaries where he says something or demands something that she cannot be okay with, then that's called abuse 

Not everything is abusive 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INFJ loner... .shy girl.. 

Quick access to journal entries

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now