Chris_Esoteric

Afraid Of Dying Prematurely & Fear Of The World

3 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

I need to get this off my chest! I've been struggling with chronic insomnia for over a year, now. I'm 19 and my birthday's this Wednesday. I've been contemplating over the idea of early death, a lot. I heard that little sleep on a daily basis can lead to premature death. I have other issues that don't seem to be going away anytime, soon. I've been staying up till 3:00 to 6:00am, regardless of me doing Daily Meditation, Wim-Hof Breathing and Cold Therapy. I lost a few days of sleep in the past month that I never recovered. Not in a row, though! Somedays I sleep, somedays I don't. I'm learning to accept whatever comes my way, even it means, meeting death. I can't bring to do the things I want, as hard as I try. It's an overwhelming fear that keeps me from living the dream. I don't feel like the world needs me! The Truth is, I got into personal development because I was suffering. I had no friends when I first came across Actualized.org. Other than these two acquaintances of mine, from my old high school. Luckily, I have my parents and my sister. I don't know how to make friends without pretending to be someone I'm not. I see everyone on the internet with goals and paths in life. They seem like they know what they really want, in life. The Internet scares me sometimes. You never know who you're talking to on the other end. I'm afraid someone might post something negative about me. Loneliness stems from the inability to express oneself. I'm not very good at asking for help, seeing as, I'm scared to ask for help. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more aware of things and a lot more anxious. My problems have progressed! I can't have a conversation with someone without being hurt or offended by a minor remark. Honestly, I wish I was better equipped at handling my feelings. I'm a Former Fundamentalist Christian and I was deeply influenced by dogma, as a youngster. I had a falling out with a friend, during my time as a Christian and to this day, it was one of the worst times of my life. That was the time, I had gotten out of high school with no sense of purpose. After that, I left Christianity and I went through a Nihilistic Phase, so I turned to The Occult. Christianity is bullshit and the only reason I went on as a Christian was because it brought me comfort. It was a defensive mechanism for not dealing with Nihilism and Meaninglessness. That was one of the darkest periods, in my life. The forum has been interesting but I feel just as anxious on here as I do anywhere else, on the internet. I'm afraid of being hated by everybody and having no one around. I'm afraid of ending up alone. I'm afraid of being forgotten. I'm afraid of being shamed. I don't know where my life is headed. I don't think I was ready to experience life. One negative comment (online or in person) can take me downhill! I wish I was strong enough to handle all the things life throws at me. 

Edited by Chris_Esoteric

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I can relate to having gone through a lot of what you just shared here. Your awareness at the age of 19 is really amazing. 👍

The common thread throughout your post is bringing to light a tendency to focus on what you do not want over what you DO want. Our thoughts and mind can drift really far in that direction if we don't understand that we can guide them. We have the ability to focus on what feels good and feeling bad is an indicator to shift your focus. Writing and journaling can be really helpful to get and bring to light the thoughts about what we do no want and to effortlessly bring focus to what we do want. You also can write down lists of things you want to do, or lists of things that interest you. Everything we do not want has the ability to help us define what we do want. There is no need to avoid it, but only understand it and shift out focus to what is wanted. 

Here's a couple examples, but you can be totally free in how you do this. 

"I want rest. " I want to take the pressure off myself that says I NEED rest but am not getting it.

I can work rest into my day if it doesn't happen at night. I can check out yoga nidra. If I don't sleep well that night, I can do yoga nidra and still get the rest I need, consciously. This could be pointing me to discovering something I wouldn't' have otherwise.

"I don't feel like the world needs me."

I am free to be the unique being I am, I am enough in myself without having to prove my worth to anyone. I am worthy of being. I am worthy of love. Anything great that I do or create is an expression OF my inherent worth. 

Cultivating appreciation is a kind of magic that will show this to you in a deeper way and make doors open for you. No matter where you go or who you interact with look for what you appreciate. Start small, noticing little details about things, start to look at the sky or the bubbles on the wall of a water glass, how the light reflects off it. There is something to appreciate everywhere, in every moment.


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I need to get this off my chest! I've been struggling with chronic insomnia for over a year, now.

Insomnia is just a symptom. What you’re “dealing with” is focusing on what doesn’t feel good to you, in regard to your future. Specifically in regard to your belief in death. Imagine a person on the evening of their last day on death row. It’d be hard to sleep. But only because of the belief they are choosing to focus on - in spite of ‘every cell in their entire body’  telling them that it is a belief! 

What you’re also “dealing with”, is telling the same not good feeling story of you. There isn’t an “for over a year now”. That’s a story. It’s a thought which appears now, which is unfortunately, and in spite of how it feels, believed

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm 19 and my birthday's this Wednesday. I've been contemplating over the idea of early death, a lot.

Focusing on a belief is just focusing on a belief. It’s not contemplation. Contemplation is seeing through beliefs, with open mindedness, or, not just believing the same not good feeling beliefs, but going prior, seeing what it is you’ve been focusing on.  If folks in your life tell you that you make everything difficult, listen to them and relax more, and do more of what you enjoy vs any sitting around watching tv etc. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I heard that little sleep on a daily basis can lead to premature death. 

Death is the belief. Inspect your beliefs, rather than building a bigger story with it with other people’s beliefs. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I have other issues that don't seem to be going away anytime, soon. I've been staying up till 3:00 to 6:00am, regardless of me doing Daily Meditation, Wim-Hof Breathing and Cold Therapy. I lost a few days of sleep in the past month that I never recovered. Not in a row, though! Somedays I sleep, somedays I don't. I'm learning to accept whatever comes my way, even it means, meeting death.

Yeah, that’s not true at all. What’s coming your way, what is, is life. By focusing on “death” you’re holding yourself in denial of the truth of life, that it is nondual. Aliveness has no opposite. No one, namely not you, have ever experienced anything but aliveness. Stop being so serious and ‘grown up’ and you’ll sleep like an infant. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I can't bring to do the things I want, as hard as I try. It's an overwhelming fear that keeps me from living the dream. I don't feel like the world needs me!

That’s not a feeling that’s a thought, a belief. It does not feel true does it? That’s because it isn’t. 

What you’re struggling with isn’t sleep or death really, it’s closed-mindedness. The cure is open-mindedness. 

Trust me when I say, you’d rather be happy & sleep well, than continue “being right” about your beliefs. Don’t really trust me though, find out if what’s said here is true. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

The Truth is, I got into personal development because I was suffering. I had no friends when I first came across Actualized.org. Other than these two acquaintances of mine, from my old high school. Luckily, I have my parents and my sister. I don't know how to make friends without pretending to be someone I'm not.

You just put being yourself above having friends. Never pretend you’re someone you’re not, you are already the best possible no thing that could ever be. Don’t cover yourself up, uncover yourself. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I see everyone on the internet with goals and paths in life. They seem like they know what they really want, in life. The Internet scares me sometimes. You never know who you're talking to on the other end. I'm afraid someone might post something negative about me.

You’re focusing on what doesn’t feel good to you, and blaming the internet and other people, which only feels more not good, to you, because you are goodness. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

Loneliness stems from the inability to express oneself. I'm not very good at asking for help, seeing as, I'm scared to ask for help.

Loneliness is expression. There is no inability to express oneself. You just expressed that you are experiencing loneliness. Notice you jumped right to a self referential thought, a thought “about yourself”, a belief. “I’m not very good at __________” Whatever you put in that blank in matters of expression is not true, it’s a belief. You’re great at expressing yourself. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

As I've gotten older, I've gotten more aware of things and a lot more anxious.

With love… that is an absurd belief. Awareness = unconditional love. You’re holding more conditions, not letting them go & discovering awareness. 

The belief that you “get more aware” is the hijacking of your actual self, Awareness. Again, notice self referential thoughts & beliefs, and you will set yourself free effortlessly. Awareness alone is curative. 

You haven’t discovered letting go because you don’t meditate every morning. You think “doing” and “solving” is 100% of experience. It’s not. There is very literally 50% of experience which you have not experienced yet. Open. Minded. Ness. No more “being right”. It’s not worth it bruh. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

My problems have progressed! 

There’s no such things as “my problem”. Nothing’s progressed. When you stop focusing on what doesn’t resonate with you - you stop experiencing - what doesn’t resonate with you. It’s not a mystery. There is nothing wrong with you love. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I can't have a conversation with someone without being hurt or offended by a minor remark.

Yeah you can, but not when you’re holding all these beliefs about yourself. That is what you’re feeling - not what anyone is saying, thinking, or believing. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

Honestly, I wish I was better equipped at handling my feelings.

You are perfectly equipped to handle your feelings. You’re just ignoring them, and believing you’re right. I would not wish close-mindedness on my worst enemy… which doesn’t exist… do to open-mindedness. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm a Former Fundamentalist Christian and I was deeply influenced by dogma, as a youngster.

With love, no you’re not. That’s a thought. A story about you. Focusing on thoughts about your story covers up that there is only now. What ever seemed to have happened did not happen “in a past”, it was now. And now, this, is now… and now is where focus is. Focus on now, and on what you want to create - what you are creating. Right now, it’s a story that doesn’t even feel good - to you. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I had a falling out with a friend, during my time as a Christian and to this day, it was one of the worst times of my life. That was the time, I had gotten out of high school with no sense of purpose. After that, I left Christianity and I went through a Nihilistic Phase, so I turned to The Occult. Christianity is bullshit and the only reason I went on as a Christian was because it brought me comfort. It was a defensive mechanism for not dealing with Nihilism and Meaninglessness.

No it wasn’t. Think about what you’re saying. Nihilism is meaninglessness. How can meaninglessness be said to be a catalyst - a cause? 

Nihilism and Meaninglessness are not something “you are dealing with” - it’s something YOU are saying, making up, creating, right now - or not. 

Focusing on nihilism & meaninglessness, when you could be creating anything, is like Hugh Hefner looking at porn online. It’s nonsense! 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

That was one of the darkest periods, in my life. The forum has been interesting but I feel just as anxious on here as I do anywhere else, on the internet.

That’s because it has nothing to do with a past, a forum, an internet, or anywhere or thing else. 

You really MUST be more open minded, and you really MUST focus on what you like, what feels good to you. Creation is yours, and will not make sense any other way! You are ALREADY free to focus on whatever you want! 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm afraid of being hated by everybody and having no one around.

No you’re not. You’re focusing on hate and it feels terrible to you love. Only you can choose to focus otherwise. No one can force you. How beautiful is that!? You’re already free! 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm afraid of ending up alone.

No you’re not. You’re focusing on an idea of being alone. The actuality is - literally - DIVINE. BLISS. What happiness ACTUALLY is. Infinite. Being. LOVE. 

Not sure if I mentioned it or not, but choose open mindedness, and or not knowing, over “being right”, for the sleep win. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm afraid of being forgotten.

No you’re not. You’re focusing on being forgotten, and that thought feels terrible. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I'm afraid of being shamed.

No you’re not. You’re focusing on the being shamed, and that thought feels terrible. 

You focus on the thought “I should feel bad because _______” and then you do! It’s not complex, it’s simple, straight forward. Focus on what feels good, and you feel, good. 

6 hours ago, Chris_Esoteric said:

I don't know where my life is headed. I don't think I was ready to experience life. One negative comment (online or in person) can take me downhill! I wish I was strong enough to handle all the things life throws at me. 

You are strong enough. That’s what you’re discovering. You’re saying how you feel is anyone or anything else’s fault, but it’s what you’re focusing on, not anyone else. You’re discovering that too. 

*This is not medical, therapeutic, or psychological advice from a certified professional, and nothing said here should be taken seriously. 

 


MEDITATIONS TOOLS  ActualityOfBeing.com  GUIDANCE SESSIONS

NONDUALITY LOA  My Youtube Channel  THE TRUE NATURE

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