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Identity

Insecurity and fear about sexuality

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I feel insecurity and fear at the core of my being when it comes to sexuality.

Any recommendations for how one can go about healing that?


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The first idea was to write a long post about it but figured to not get lost in too much story.

But yes, I have experience with sexuality.

Five-ish years ago I got involved in pick-up, had a bunch of one-night stands and stuff.

Now I've been in a relationship for the past two years.

Even though there have been a bunch of experiences and some healing, I still just feel this disconnection from my sexuality.

My assumption is that the fear stems from a denial/rejection of my sexuality during childhood (or maybe also past lives/family lineage).

All the other stuff that happened were built on that rotten foundation.

How can I go back to fix that foundation?


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Hmm, I am in touch with it to some degree and it changes depending on my state.

These states can vary a lot. There have been experiences where I felt confident, powerful, sexually alive.

However, these states are quite rare. It is more common for me to have anxiety.

Also, my connection to my sexuality is fragile. I could be in a good mood, feeling confident, feeling my turn-on.

And just a subtle comment of denial from my girlfriend can cause this to block. In those moments I literally feel the blockage in my stomach area.

There probably is some form of shame somewhere there, but honestly, I am mostly aware of fear.


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I'm 50 trips deep hahaha.

A few have been around this topic, but most haven't.

Maybe more could help, but I am at a place now where I am not compelled to take them.

Feel like I need more grounding and integration before coming back to them.


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Things I have tried so far to heal:

- A few psychedelic trips over the past years

- Quitting porn, haven't watched close to a year

- Conversations, trials and tribulations with my girlfriend

- Mindfulness, awareness, meditation

- Some theory, mostly through video's (not extensive)

- Some journaling here and there

- We just had our first therapy session on this topic last week

Area's that seem interesting:

- Deeper theory through books, teachers, retreats

- Implementing structural practices (kegel exercises?)

- More mindful masturbation

- Healing the relationship with my mother (trauma at least partially came through my relationship with her, have not explored/healed deeply yet).

- Continue therapy


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2 hours ago, Identity said:

I feel insecurity and fear at the core of my being when it comes to sexuality.

Any recommendations for how one can go about healing that?

 

What are you actually fearing exactly?

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Sexuality is inseparable from a whole lot of other really great stuff, it's very linked with creative energy. Maybe drop the already charged topic of sex and explore your creative side, look into some creative outlets and it could be that the insight/healing you seek about the particular subject will come about when you least expect it. 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

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45 minutes ago, Identity said:

Things I have tried so far to heal:

- A few psychedelic trips over the past years

- Quitting porn, haven't watched close to a year

- Conversations, trials and tribulations with my girlfriend

- Mindfulness, awareness, meditation

- Some theory, mostly through video's (not extensive)

- Some journaling here and there

- We just had our first therapy session on this topic last week

Area's that seem interesting:

- Deeper theory through books, teachers, retreats

- Implementing structural practices (kegel exercises?)

- More mindful masturbation

- Healing the relationship with my mother (trauma at least partially came through my relationship with her, have not explored/healed deeply yet).

- Continue therapy

Good work.

You know, if you're ready to take some real action about it, here's what I did, and I LOVED it: tantra workshops.

They have three-day sexual deconditioning retreats that are specially designed to help people release shame and insecurities and fears around sexuality. Everything toxic that they picked up on in the past, is being transformed through exercises. I did it once. And then I did it again, because it's just so much fun! I loved it. Never felt so free and godlike as coming back from a retreat like that.

Here's where I did it

I know these people, they're great at what they do. Feel free to pm me if you have questions.


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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7 hours ago, cookiemonster said:

 

What are you actually fearing exactly?

Oh, great question. Funnily enough, that is something I haven't explored a lot of yet.

 

Fears that I am definitely aware of are linked to my sexual performance and its consequences.

It's kind of a web of beliefs and thoughts that, a perspective I took from pick-up, that is causing that.

It goes something like: I need to be 'good' at sex and satisfy the girl --> If I don't, she will be unsatisfied --> She will look for it elsewhere and cheat.

On top of that, there is also a fear about what that would say about me. That fear might actually be bigger, to become 'the guy who could not satisfy his girlfriend and therefore she cheated on him'.

 

However, this fear is not at the core. This is something that is built on top I think, not the foundation.

The foundation I would have to explore more.. a great question to journal about, thank you!

It shows up for me as a disconnection. A feeling of the energy being blocked, not open.

It also has to do with a feeling of not being good enough and a fear of how other people see me.

 

More exploration of the fear, noted.

 

 


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8 hours ago, Lucas-fgm said:

Do you know the work of David Deida and John Wineland? John has a really nice retreat program in California.

Look for it.

I've read the way of the superior man and watched some video's from David Deida.

John Wineland I hadn't heard about. Just watched the first video of him, like his energy.

Thanks for sharing, will look at some more videos :) 


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8 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Sexuality is inseparable from a whole lot of other really great stuff, it's very linked with creative energy. Maybe drop the already charged topic of sex and explore your creative side, look into some creative outlets and it could be that the insight/healing you seek about the particular subject will come about when you least expect it. 

Hmm interesting. The thing is, creativity is something I do feel quite connected to. I love to dance and pre-corona I would often be at the centre of the dancefloor. There is also a lot of creative expression in my work. It is more cognitive, but I am constantly creating new content and workshops.

Drawing is something I have been wanting to go deeper into for a while. Maybe I will give that a try.


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7 hours ago, flowboy said:

Good work.

You know, if you're ready to take some real action about it, here's what I did, and I LOVED it: tantra workshops.

They have three-day sexual deconditioning retreats that are specially designed to help people release shame and insecurities and fears around sexuality. Everything toxic that they picked up on in the past, is being transformed through exercises. I did it once. And then I did it again, because it's just so much fun! I loved it. Never felt so free and godlike as coming back from a retreat like that.

Here's where I did it

I know these people, they're great at what they do. Feel free to pm me if you have questions.

Yooo, this looks amazing! I would have signed up right away for the one happening in The Netherlands in September, but I can't on those dates unfortunately. Will keep an eye out for the next one. Thanks for sharing!


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1 hour ago, Identity said:

Oh, great question. Funnily enough, that is something I haven't explored a lot of yet.

 

Fears that I am definitely aware of are linked to my sexual performance and its consequences.

It's kind of a web of beliefs and thoughts that, a perspective I took from pick-up, that is causing that.

It goes something like: I need to be 'good' at sex and satisfy the girl --> If I don't, she will be unsatisfied --> She will look for it elsewhere and cheat.

On top of that, there is also a fear about what that would say about me. That fear might actually be bigger, to become 'the guy who could not satisfy his girlfriend and therefore she cheated on him'.

 

However, this fear is not at the core. This is something that is built on top I think, not the foundation.

The foundation I would have to explore more.. a great question to journal about, thank you!

It shows up for me as a disconnection. A feeling of the energy being blocked, not open.

It also has to do with a feeling of not being good enough and a fear of how other people see me.

 

More exploration of the fear, noted.

 

 

 

Some further questions:-

  • Would you describe yourself as sexually Dominant or sexually submissive?
  • Have you ever tried cuckolding and/or humiliation therapy?
  • What kind of women are you naturally attracted to? Assertive or passive?
  • What sort of porn do you watch? Or what kind of porn would you watch if you could?
  • Have you had any gay experiences?

These might sound like random questions, but generally where there is fear, there is insecurity, which could indicate that you're not acting in alignment with your true sexuality.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by cookiemonster

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5 hours ago, Identity said:

Yooo, this looks amazing! I would have signed up right away for the one happening in The Netherlands in September, but I can't on those dates unfortunately. Will keep an eye out for the next one. Thanks for sharing!

It's one of the best things I did for myself.

Yes they sort of rotate the countries where they do it. I've done one in Sweden and in Denmark. Never in NL although I live there haha.

You won't regret it :)


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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@Identity  Hello, I hope you are doing fine and your loved ones are safe :) 

Do you have an issue more with giving or receiving? (I think answering the questions cookiemonster posted is good, or better - discuss them with your girlfriend) I also think what flowboy suggests is good, shame is a big thing. Does your girlfriend dirty talk you and assure you she likes what you do to her and what she does to you? That can help a lot with shame.

6 hours ago, Identity said:

Oh, great question. Funnily enough, that is something I haven't explored a lot of yet.

I would discuss this with your girlfriend (to make sure you simultaneously let go of shame while you are at it) or journal if it is too much) Just make up fucking stories, I think if they are only stories and there is no significance to them, they would not shine and resonate, wait for a story to resonate, focus on your stomach, heart, throat when you speak with gf/write and let it all out 100% honestly. When it clicks, you'll just keep talking. This is how you might get to that which you call "something on top". It might require some overcoming of fears, but honest communication helps with shame and disconnection. I know you can do this.

6 hours ago, Identity said:

Fears that I am definitely aware of are linked to my sexual performance and its consequences.

It's kind of a web of beliefs and thoughts that, a perspective I took from pick-up, that is causing that.

It goes something like: I need to be 'good' at sex and satisfy the girl --> If I don't, she will be unsatisfied --> She will look for it elsewhere and cheat.

On top of that, there is also a fear about what that would say about me. That fear might actually be bigger, to become 'the guy who could not satisfy his girlfriend and therefore she cheated on him'.

The consequences are not always as bad as cheating and a 2year relationship ending... PU is made by depressed kids who have experiences with other depressed kids. Don't build your view on that. It does not feel good. Being good at sex is enjoyable, it can become really meditative and you can let go of shame and judgement by doing it. It is however impossible to be good at sex if you don't discuss it openly. Don't beat yourself up for not always being able to guess what the other person wants, sometimes they also have shame and their bodies would not let you know even if you listened very patiently. Being able to openly discuss sex, kinks etc. seems like a hot trait to me if I was a girl. I don't think you are so dumb that you can't read absolutely any signs, but don't be afraid to sometimes just ask if what you're doing is good. Also look at her face, back, hips, legs, fingers, they all send you clues about enjoyment, be very patient and you'll notice when she likes it. I guess you are very kind and sensitive guy and you might have some shadow about being dominant, but like if your gf wants something specific, talking to her about it, not judging and even making her feel shy and then doing it to her can be such a turn on.

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On 10-7-2021 at 10:22 AM, cookiemonster said:

 

Some further questions:-

  • Would you describe yourself as sexually Dominant or sexually submissive?
  • Have you ever tried cuckolding and/or humiliation therapy?
  • What kind of women are you naturally attracted to? Assertive or passive?
  • What sort of porn do you watch? Or what kind of porn would you watch if you could?
  • Have you had any gay experiences?

These might sound like random questions, but generally where there is fear, there is insecurity, which could indicate that you're not acting in alignment with your true sexuality.

My natural desires and expressions definitely lean more towards sexually dominant. That is what pulled me since I was young when watching porn and in my fantasies. Not to say that I could never be submissive.

Nope, never tried cuckolding and/or humiliation therapy. Not sure what that is to be honest. Could you provide some more insight please?

Hmm, if I had to choose between assertive and passive, I would say passive. At least not assertive in an overly masculine sense. A healthy sense of boundary and confidence is definitely attractive to me. But yeah, I like it when a girl gives me the vulnerable eyes and melts through my presence. A certain fystiness can also be very attractive though. A kind of 'come get me' attitude. 

Through the age of 14-24 I have watched a bunch of different types of porn. However, the period that lasted the longest for me was also based around a more male dominant category. I mostly really enjoyed when the girl was really taken away, emersed in the experience and was showing her pleasure strongly.

I haven't had any gay experiences. Also have not really be compelled to explore, at least consciously. When I was growing up there were some short periods where I doubted my sexual orientation. However, they were not very prominent. Also, my attraction towards classical feminine girls is definitely there. Maybe if I would be truly open, there would be some degree of attraction towards males, but honestly, that doesn't seem to be the core of the issue and I would not be open to exploring that further at this point in time.


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On 10-7-2021 at 2:58 PM, flowboy said:

It's one of the best things I did for myself.

Yes they sort of rotate the countries where they do it. I've done one in Sweden and in Denmark. Never in NL although I live there haha.

You won't regret it :)

Haha interesting. I'm from NL as well.

Would be my preference to go here. But now that you mention it, maybe I should not limit myself to it.

I'll let you know if I book a spot ;)


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On 10-7-2021 at 3:48 PM, bejapuskas said:

@Identity  Hello, I hope you are doing fine and your loved ones are safe :) 

Do you have an issue more with giving or receiving? (I think answering the questions cookiemonster posted is good, or better - discuss them with your girlfriend) I also think what flowboy suggests is good, shame is a big thing. Does your girlfriend dirty talk you and assure you she likes what you do to her and what she does to you? That can help a lot with shame.

I would discuss this with your girlfriend (to make sure you simultaneously let go of shame while you are at it) or journal if it is too much) Just make up fucking stories, I think if they are only stories and there is no significance to them, they would not shine and resonate, wait for a story to resonate, focus on your stomach, heart, throat when you speak with gf/write and let it all out 100% honestly. When it clicks, you'll just keep talking. This is how you might get to that which you call "something on top". It might require some overcoming of fears, but honest communication helps with shame and disconnection. I know you can do this.

The consequences are not always as bad as cheating and a 2year relationship ending... PU is made by depressed kids who have experiences with other depressed kids. Don't build your view on that. It does not feel good. Being good at sex is enjoyable, it can become really meditative and you can let go of shame and judgement by doing it. It is however impossible to be good at sex if you don't discuss it openly. Don't beat yourself up for not always being able to guess what the other person wants, sometimes they also have shame and their bodies would not let you know even if you listened very patiently. Being able to openly discuss sex, kinks etc. seems like a hot trait to me if I was a girl. I don't think you are so dumb that you can't read absolutely any signs, but don't be afraid to sometimes just ask if what you're doing is good. Also look at her face, back, hips, legs, fingers, they all send you clues about enjoyment, be very patient and you'll notice when she likes it. I guess you are very kind and sensitive guy and you might have some shadow about being dominant, but like if your gf wants something specific, talking to her about it, not judging and even making her feel shy and then doing it to her can be such a turn on.

Hello, yes life is good and safe on this side. I hope things are the same for you.

Thank you for your insights :)

When it comes to the question of giving or receiving, honestly, I think both. Probably more with receiving. Giving in terms of oral or something comes quite easy. Receiving orally is way more challenging for me, although the desire is definitely there. It is more feeling my own turn-on that is the challenge. Also the balance between on the one hand feeling my turn-on and being grounded in that, whilst on the other side also being in touch with her. My focus can easily get lost on either of them, both ending in an undesirable way.

Luckily the communication between my girlfriend and me is good and strong. We openly discuss what we like/don't like and what our desires are. These desires are also quite well aligned. The problem is mostly that I get blocked when trying to make them a reality.

The idea of writing out sex stories is a good one! I have written a few in the past, but short and few. Also, love the idea of sharing them with my girlfriend. Yeah, that is a great idea. I think she will also really like that and it could spark us to further explore those fantasies :) 

The frustrating thing is, that she is sexually open, our desires align, we communicate about it, she provides the space and encouragement for me to act them out, yet even with all these things in place, I still fall into the same patterns. I get scared, into my head, lose connection with my desire, literally feel my sexual energetic pathways closing until I have this blocked feeling in my stomach that seems impossible to overcome in that moment.

I do feel like the past few years it has been healing and getting better but in small gradual steps. I want to bust it open with some dynamite hehe.


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18 minutes ago, Identity said:

Haha interesting. I'm from NL as well.

Would be my preference to go here. But now that you mention it, maybe I should not limit myself to it.

I'll let you know if I book a spot ;)

Cool ;)


Learn to resolve trauma. Together.

Testimonials thread: www.actualized.org/forum/topic/82672-experience-collection-childhood-aware-life-purpose-coaching/

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