I'm starting to fall back and things aren't looking so nice

[fopylo]

Lately I've been eating a lot more junk food, I've been more on social media, barely meditated, barely watched Leo's videos (not as consistent and as serious as before). Man I just hate it, fucking sucks. I'm learning all those things like how to stop backsliding, visualization, spirituality, attachments, Maslow's hierarchy, morality, and like I'm not managing to combine them all.

I'm slacking off. I don't have even clarity of what I want to do with my time, lacking clarity and decisiveness. How in the world would visualization help me if I don't know what is the ONE thing that I need to put all my efforts into for like 3 fucking months, so much stress and of course Imma slack off in such a situation.

Should I go with Maslow's Hierarchy or with my desire?
Maybe I should eat healthy, but I'm trying not to 'should' myself in the foot so I go to the other end, eating unhealthy.

I want to create. I know it deep deep inside even if I'm not always thinking about it. I have so many "problems" that just cloud my vision of reality. What in the world is happening in my life that causes me to slow down meditation, thus being less grounded and being a bit unstable in my life.

But even if I decide, say, to create music (because I really love music and I know I will want to create music in the future) but it never hits me that this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing I should be doing with my time. What about investing time reading about finance so that I don't need to worry about money? How about a book on meditation? How about a book on human communication because I lack it.

I can't even decide the more subtle things which determine my life trajectory, filled with more indecisiveness. It's like I'm meta-indecisive (this is how it feels sometimes).

I've just finished high-school (final ceremony on the 21.6) which is really sad. Since I live in a small locality, we basically know each others' faces for 12 years, and leaving all that behind is really fricking sad and identity-threatening. I wouldn't consider most of them good friends of mine, but I still enjoyed their company somewhat. And in like 2 months I'm going to my camp for 6 months before the military (which is for 2.5 years). So much change is going on and it can quite overwhelm me at sometimes and I think there is a correlation to some extent for my falling.

Anyways I just need a plan, I need some helping hand. I am lost. I know I am lost and I'm glad I know  this at least although it is also a curse.

Just want to enjoy my life again and be on the uphill I was before that

[NoSelfSelf]

Small burst of improvement are always better its a marathon...

[Mu_]

@fopylo Ya small bursts, and stick with what is easiest first, then slowly attempt some of the harder emotional things later.  Don't over complicate, and be kind to others and yourself when in doubt.

[Eren Eeager]

@fopylo You will fail a lot before you finally can live life like you always wanted. keep trying!!

[lambofgod182]

On 17/06/2021 at 2:08 PM, fopylo said:

So much change is going on and it can quite overwhelm me at sometimes and I think there is a correlation to some extent for my falling.

This struck a chord with me. Recently i simply moved to a new flat whilst continuing to maintain my yoga, meditation routine and this moving home had a profound impact on my life. I experienced a bout of terrible mental health and lost all motivation towards my goals i have been working towards. Upheaval to routine and even the knowing that your routine is about to change is unsettling for the psyche. If i ever get in a rut like you are describing, i would go back to the basics and pillars of health exercise - food - sleep - reduce stress. I'd start with doing exercise as this seems to get food choice in check easier. Like everyone else said before me, go back to setting and achieving small goals to slowly start the momentum of your life on the uphill again

[fopylo]

@NoSelfSelf What does that mean?

@Mu_ If I knew what is the easiest thing, then I would most likely focus on it.

You both talk about doing bursts of improvement and going from easy to hard, but both of those answers miss the key - I need clarity. I don't know what is the one thing to focus on now  and I can't plan it out because life is always changing and so as my perception so difficulty levels will change and so as my momentary desire

[fopylo]

@lambofgod182

It kind of sucks to start from the beginning. Will I need to go to the basics after all the work I put in?

I was thinking about it a bit and I've noticed that no matter what happens or how bad things get, I'll always need to fall back to someone or something in order to keep my identity stabled. Lately I'm starting to feel that my social place and people and environments are changing, which is scary, and I need something or someone that will always be with me in order to ground myself in myself again and remind me that I'm me, hard to explain. This is scary and I always knew this day will come, and yet all this stress is very new, and it is quite a lot for my age (almost 19)

[Mu_]

@fopylo When you say "I need something or someone that will always be with me in order to ground myself in myself again and remind me that I'm me, hard to explain"  do you disappear or something?  Just a curious statement, where could you go, and what is it that is aware of you going when you supposedly "go".

But back to my original comment, I believed you spoke about wanting to start with something to change among a list of things you could change.  Theres no right answer here.  So start with what you feel or desire most and start with that.  If its to challenging after trying for a while, try another desired direction, and if that one is easier, go that route for a while till it feels complete.

If you don't connect in this way, then just go the practical route and do something that will provide a degree or skills to support yourself and just finish that, because its ultimately important.

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo

Like I said in the other thread you made. Start experimenting.

You are overwhelming yourself, go slow and steady. Find your footing, one foot in front of the other. Your heart will begin to realize what you need to be doing through exparementing.

It is a dance. Trying to go to fast too soon and you trip over your own feet. 

[fopylo]

@OctagonOctopus Yeah, this thread is quite similar to the other one. Starting to experiment in itself is what I don't do enough. It's either that I have fears coming up and overwhelm and confusion, or that I'm just stuck in homeostasis and don't have the energy capacity to just go and try something new, or just to get back into something

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo

Be kind to yourself, listen to the fears, let them know it is ok, that you are figuring it out.

You have a lot of drive it is just intentagled, needs to be fleshed out threw finding your footing. Finding the way you like to dance threw life. 

Resistance can be strong, but your Will is always stronger. Sometimes you may not see it, but everyday it is driving you towards your highest desires. The more you learn to dance with the resistance, the more you will feel your true power. 

[fopylo]

@OctagonOctopus

Honestly man, I kind of had enough. Like, I'm not so interested in seeking for how to overcome this, I just don't have motivation anymore. I'm not doing anything really and forgot about my passions and what I want out of life. I am comfortable here in an odd way, don't think I'll be that comfortable for a long time. I just don't have any drive now

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo

You are stronger then you think 

No greater joy then uncovering your passions, and letting them find you. 

 

 

 

[fopylo]

@OctagonOctopus

I'm just so tired and comfy, not seeking something greater right now. Don't feel the urgency and drive, and I don't want to scare myself into doing something which causes resistance in me

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo

If you are concerned with comfort, how comfortable are you in your own skin? 

Why not do things that help you get into relaxed states? 

Mastering your own ability to relax is a very important skill 

[fopylo]

@OctagonOctopus

Yeah man, I guess.. I am kind of relaxed but I feel my higher self knows I need to master a domain and to start creating music. I'm not fucking inspired at all. I'm just relaxing. At that point I don't know anymore if it's good or bad. I don't know if I gave up or not. In 2 months exactly I'm starting the camp and then this whole trajectory. I won't have time at all, and what is the point of slowly getting myself into it, wrestling with my mind, experiencing strong emotional labor, maybe even getting a nice result - all to go away because once I start the camp it's like 3 years that I won't be able to get back into it (I have like 1 month break from the end of the camp until the beginning of the military service)

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo 

If I was going away to the military for awhile I would learn some introspective techniques for calming the mind that I could do anywhere. Any simple kind of meditation, or contemplation exercises for emotional understanding. 

Being in the military would be a great opportunity to observe your own emotions and understand them. To develop a good relationship with yourself internally. 

[fopylo]

@OctagonOctopus

Hey I just realized something that I forgot to tell! So I was saying that I was losing motivation and all that and am feeling comfortable and not inspired, but I'm starting to think it's because lately I've started to really get into playing the piano and I've found meaning again, just not in such an obvious way to me. So my focus isn't on creating music using FL Studio but rather practicing classical piano pieces. Currently it fulfills me. Just to clarify.

However it got me thinking about the future and I wonder - What am I going to do as a business (that I'm passionate about) that has to do with music?
I would still love to go back and try producing music again. It's just that my focus isn't on it currently, but it still holds some place in my heart

[OctagonOctopus]

@fopylo

That's great! If piano is what gets you inspired then defantly focus on that. I find that the best music that I make always comes from doing something that I just enjoy for it's own sake. For me it is mostly designing sounds in FL Studio. 

Depends on what kind of impact you want to have on then listener. The more you increase your expressiveness on the piano the more visions will come to you I am sure.