the_wanderer

Just broke up with my 9 year older girlfriend

70 posts in this topic

@soos_mite_ah Yeah I am not denying any of that.

I'm speaking more in the context of there being a stigma around single mothers, and whether men should stigmatize them and avoid them.

If a person chooses a partner who ends up being a wife-beater, manipulator etc which was given as a predominant reason for woman becoming single mothers then that's a reason to avoid her in the future

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@Raptorsin7 but why avoid her? 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Just now, Preety_India said:

I have seen relationships where the guy or girl were quite younger like 19 years old but were quite matured enough to handle a relationship with a much older person. The power dynamic does not always become a problem. 

In fact some 19 year Olds were more matured than a 25 year old. 

It depends on the nature of the relationship and how they relate to each other. 

It isn't so much about maturity but it's about life stages. Like someone in high school might be really mature and he and I can relate to each other because of that. But I'm still not going to be into him when it comes to a romantic situation. As far as life experience goes, I'm in a different place in my life. 

Plus you're growing and changing so much as a person when you're young. A 19 year old dating a 28 year old is a yikes but a 29 year old dating a 38 year old isn't as extreme. Because by the time you're 29, your brain has formed, you're completely independent (at the very least financially), you've figured out a lot of things in your life, and you have settled into your life style more. That can't be said for a 19 year old. 


The heat that you curse in the summer is the same one you yearn for in the winter. 

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Posted (edited)

4 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

You mean false choice? But why? 

 

Yeah, just edited it thanks. 

Because you're making it seem like the options available are stay together with an abuser or just leave as if that is representative of the single mother issue. I'd argue that most single mothers cases aren't that way because of toxic-abusive fathers

Edited by Raptorsin7

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@Raptorsin7 then what do you think is the case? 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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Posted (edited)

6 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

If a person chooses a partner who ends up being a wife-beater, manipulator etc which was given as a predominant reason for woman becoming single mothers then that's a reason to avoid her in the future

If you want to find red flags of manipulation, codependency and unhealthy relationship patterns you don’t need to assign meaning to being a single mom.

 

Codependency  manipulation and attempts at trauma bonding are red flags you should be on the look out  for regardless whether someone is a parent or not. It doesn’t make them more likely to be dysfunctional. Most relationships are toxic, with varying degrees of intensity. 

Edited by MatteO22

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Just now, Raptorsin7 said:

Because you're making it seem like the options available are stay together with an abuser or just leave as if that is representative of the single mother issue. I'd argue that most single mothers cases aren't because of toxic-abusive fathers

Maybe it wasn't abusive or toxic. Maybe they wanted to go separate ways because they wanted to lead their lives differently.  Maybe he walked out on her because he didn't want to have a kid (which is really messed up tbh). Maybe they just didn't want to be together for whatever reason.  You don't know any of that by only knowing that she's a single mom. And judging her based on that status alone without considering how and why can be very reductive and dehumanizing. 


The heat that you curse in the summer is the same one you yearn for in the winter. 

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@Preety_India I think it's a complex issues with multiple moving parts... but I think the main issue is woman are choosing partners that are immature, and they are being irresponsible with birth control without considering the consequences of their actions. Also, the government subsidizes single mothers so there's no real consequence with respect to survival because the government is the father

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

@Raptorsin7 then what do you think is the case? 

 

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2 minutes ago, MatteO22 said:

 

 

Codependency  manipulation and attempts and trauma bonding are red flags you should be on the look out  regardless whether someone is a parent or not. It doesn’t make them more likely to be dysfunctional. Most relationships are toxic, with varying degrees of intensity. 

I absolutely agree with this 

 


    God is not a belief.  محبت     الحب   प्यार  love  ॐ Om  मोहब्बत God الله   اللہ   خدا My blood is Hindu, my soul is Christian and my heart is Islamic. But right now my head is in the clouds with an Aries male  currently ruling my heart. The Snake seduces the peacock, embodies Shiva and the Gods bow to it. ... ll ॐ ll.. INTP loner... और तुम नाचते गाते हुए मेरे कदमों में आ गिरेगी... Live a Roman.Die a Roman...Nothing else but to enjoy  the rest of my dream 

Preety preety

 

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18 hours ago, soos_mite_ah said:

Maybe it wasn't abusive or toxic. Maybe they wanted to go separate ways because they wanted to lead their lives differently.  Maybe he walked out on her because he didn't want to have a kid (which is really messed up tbh). Maybe they just didnI't want to be together for whatever reason.  You don't know any of that by only knowing that she's a single mom. And judging her based on that status alone without considering how and why can be very reductive and dehumanizing. 

There are always exceptions to the rule. I'm sure there are single mothers who have stories that are completely understandable and worth dating etc, but for the most part I think most men are wise to stay clear.

It's comparable to someone who's a drug addict. I'm sure some people who are drug addicts have compelling stories and reasons for their use, but it still seems wise to avoid drugs addicts on balance.

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