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Manusia

Road to Healthy Ego

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Re-value Leo Old Video

I have been a lot in confusion. No clarity. Big fog in my awareness. Crazyness.

And found a superpower Leo old video. The title is "One simple principle to create amazing life", if I not mistaken.

I watch this in my worst moment in my life before. And I make it through. This video help me again now. Make me more conscious. My interpretation is very different as before. It is just mind blowing. At the first time I say.. ugh yeah.. maybe this guy is right, he sounds logical, but is it really practical? That time I practice this a lot and eventually I reached exhausted.

Now after doing lot of development? watching foundational videos, having practice here and there and healing I see this video in different face.

I understand most thing that Leo says, and agreed. I see the depth of the problem. All stupid stuff, bad decision making, procastination or my own trauma.. its created because I not doing the most emotionally difficult thing. And... I do it unconsciously ALL THE TIME. I evade any emotional burden. Or anything in my mind that I see have emotional uneasy feeling in that. Always be. 

You see? The core problem is in mind. And the problem? You can guess it. It happen everywhere. I can see avoiding the most hard emotional feeling can lead to BIG BLINDSPOT.

Even I do a lot of personal development, meditation and consciousness work. I realize it is me trying to avoiding emotional work. I think I do something thats helpful for me, but the reality I just avoiding the most emotionally difficult thing to do. I think I can be more develop that way, BUT thats my mind trap. I have lot of intellectual ego. Rationalize all silly narrow stuff. Taken it seriously. And not seeing the big picture that all of that is just a hide. Yes. Actually I become zen devil before after taking psychedelic.

I cannot stop explaining what the causation about not aware of this mechanism. 

The core thing in the video is Do the most emotionally difficult.

Seems simple right?

In practice, I cannot explain how tricky is it. When I try to do the most emotionally difficult. The thing that I do oftentimes swing become the thing I dont need to do. Why? because the thing that I do that mostly difficult eventually become feels easy. And unconsciously my ego cling to that. And I think I still do the most emotionally difficult thing to do. But nope.

What I got from this simple advice?

My mind become more clear, I aware of my own fear (full of shit fear), I aware of how my ego is love to closed gate to worship belief, become more authentic because I do what I really need to do even with resistant, its weird I got anxiety loss, connect with intuiton (I realize my intuition actually guide me to the most emotionally hard to do, this is big), I got zone in gaming.. MVP is the way, Im really happy, my playingstyle radically improved. I play LoL mobile with more flexible mind.

The problem that I found?

It is easy to side track. Very very easy. It is very tricky to watch how my own mind prevent me to doing the most hard thing to do. 

I need to track this down very hard.

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On 7/8/2021 at 5:46 AM, Bob Seeker said:

(Strange loop!)

Yeah this mechanism is the tricky one!

 

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After reading paper : Nine Level of Incerasing Embrace In Ego Development : A Full-Spectrum Theory Of Vertical Growth And Meaning Making by S. Cook-Greuter

Dang man... this spiral dynamic concept that I learn from Leo videos seems too much generalistic (ofcourse maybe from my lazy interpretation because the video is so long). I read every phase and reflecting seeing my old self, my obstacle and source of trauma of myself. The paper have very much wisdom, nuance understanding. I still read in the midway, at Conscientious/Achiever. In the future I will add more in this segment.

What I learn so far :

1.

Quote

While vertical development can be invited and the enviroment optimallly structured towards growth, it cannot be forced. People have the right to be who they are at any station in life. -S. Cook-Greuter

This one quote make me relase all of my neediness to change people around me, to constantly invite people to do vertical development. Big neuroticism is stem from here. My family that cannot understand me. Even this is for me too that always forcing myself to become higher as fast as possible. The journey takes a long year or even decade. I admit I have forced growth in the last 2 year, mostly through relationship with my ex girlfriend.. she force me a lot from the conformist/diplomat to expert (blue to orange in SD, I actually cannot compare the model) because of cultural and nurtural difference. Conscientious (green) gradually happen recently after I broke up with her.

2. I admit myself Im not as developed as I think before. I feel I still like stubborn that have so so much more in life  to understand after reading it. The paper make me more humble and relaxed. 

3. Seeing my unconscious conformity. I have my own boundaries now, knowing from the paper that people have the right to be who they are at any station in life. So it applied for me right??? So for me too right???? I think this is clear for most of people to be who they are and reject things that dont match up with their belief. But Im not at all. I have a big tendencies to not difine myself clearly, I have hazyy boundaries between me and enviroment. Make a big mess in my childhood. Reading the book make my healing journey accelerated, mostly healed.

4. 

Quote

The first half of the trajectory – from Symbiotic embeddedness to Achiever independence -- fosters the increasing separation from the newborn’s union with the mother towards the discrete, self-sustaining adult identity with clear boundaries, an self that is capable of making reasoned decisions, postpone gratification and pursue meaningful goals and purposes. It is this self-governing Achiever that is often viewed in the modern world as the fully developed “adult.” The second half of the trajectory – from Pluralist to Unitive -- represents a step-wise deconstruction of the sharp and artificially created boundaries towards an ever deeper identification with all that exists.  -S. Cook-Greuter

This sentence is remind me to work on myself as a tier 1 to have more healthy ego, clear identification and self boundaries. Become useful human being that integrate lower stage. Nurture myself.

Start reading the upper stage, Idk but I have a psychedelic perspective when introspecting it lol. Maybe this is detached.

I recommend you read it!

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The thing is... 

My head always itching about enlightenment and conscioussness.

My mind always try to grapple things up. Always can figure it out. Always neuroticly mapping reality. Labelling things.. like 'I know and always know'.

Thats not work. That is foolishness. That is lie.

And the peak is the end 2020. The tension is huge. Fragmentation of things make myself suffer as hell. Things need to be this way. Things need to be someway that fits my own known understanding.

That is a root of my stupidity.

Now I become more understand about the mechanic of knowing. Grapple things up is necessary to maintain healthy ego. But grappling to tight is another problem too. And I see in society.. we lie together.. think we didnt grap anything to deeply. But behind the curtain, we grap together so much much stuff. Until we afraid ti loosen up our hands little bit. Thats scary!

I understand how capitalism mindset planted so deeply in my mind after watching last DW Documentary about Buthan.

I cant think there is an alternative way to live. Im unaware that I am very orange.

Fake myself. Use some mask for myself to fit in some kind of situation. To feel myself is worth. But deep down.. it doesnt feel so good.

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Surrender the sensation? But the ramification is..

This night. I have mini reflection to myself. I remind myself that thing that didnt work in the last phase of my life need to be surrendered. To be lose.

And I constantly thinking with my mind. And aware that thing that always make me need to think and figure it out reality with overmasuciline style, overfregmentation. Is the sensation inside my head. I dont understand why. But every I loosen up little bit, there is lot of impusivity sensation in my experience to 'push' the button in my head. And figuring out mode is ON. The cycle.. I think it can be endless. I can say that maybe this is the nature of mechanical. It feels VERY EASY emotionally, almost comforting, got mediocore result when use it, not feel good, easily triggerred if something doesnt match/disturbing the cycle.

I talk to myself. "This is not work, you already see it."

I say to myself loudly when I drive motorcycle to hometown. "I am lazy as fuck, I love become lazy, there is bliss of comfort in it. I admit it. I admit it." I said so many times with different phase.. pointing to the same thing.

And... I have sometalk with myself.. and eventually.. I ask myself to surrender that sensation in my head that always creating egoistical meaning.

And what the fuck. Its hard. There is emotional avoidance. It is fear? Myself didnt want to see what is in front of me. And you know.. it feels weird. And somehow more alive and magical in sense.

Admiting myself that I dont know anything is easy to say. And easy to decieve when you say "I dont know, really". Under the carpet is like "nope, I know something is true and I know truth somehow". Yeah.. thats my mind 🤣

Now my experience become more .. not understandable... but why it is clearer? this is like childhood experience.. dont know lot of stuff. Not thinking too much nonsense. And more present.. really. 

In the future, I want to work in this. I want to surrender more. I dont see much benefit anymore trying fake myself that I know the truth. Its just pain man. 

Surrender feels more healthy for me right now. I know maybe in sometime there is a plot twist, saying I do to much surrender. To attach to surrender. lol. Thats happen to me when I child. 

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I search what is all about. My problem, how I think, how I see, how people work and dynamic of myself also human socio dynamic. Move my eye in bigger perspective. I found emotion is a big chief in any motivation that I do. Any uncertainty, anything that have to do with ego construction, the motivation.. there is a field of some kind of emotion there that play big role. Emotion is not quite the right word to spill up and yet Im not quite sure what is it.. Is it abstract sensation.. Yeah.. 

I learn that is it VERY related to one bias as well. Everytime I become more conscious of that field.. I kind of have more control over myself. Because it is govern anything below it include emotion, thinking, worldview. It is constant. You can aware about it or choose to ignore it. 

I found when I aware about it, I become a fluent person. And more conscious overall. I can see the field from massive shadow work, seeing my weakpoint traits and undiscovered potential in myself, and huge self acceptance. It is like a feature that appear from doing shadow work haha. Day by day it is more clear that it play big role in oneself. 

What is it?

Or it is all emotion? But it is a literal big field that I cant see before. Whut is diss. Meta emotion? Because it is kind of summarized all my emotion hahaha

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