Beaten Kids

[vedame]

I was beaten by my mum almost on a daily basis between age 4-19 (when I moved away from home for university). She has NPD and paranoid schizophrenia. Her agression and violence towards me (and my dad) faded away as her schizophrenia escalated from 2008 on, but the damage from childhood is there. I forgave with all my heart, although it sucks that I know that I don’t and won’t have the chance to ever talk this through with her in this life. If there are other people here who were physically and/or verbally hurt by parents, how did you manage / cope with it?

Edited May 5, 2021 by vedame

[Nahm]

Very generally speaking, the identifying with the past keeps the pain active. The identity (and a past) never quite ‘fits’. Not to imply anything is easy, or hard, or justified, or not. This is just how it is, because of how boundlessly fucking beautiful, awesome and amazing you truly, truly are. 

Only love will do, and it’s abundant and free. Is all things, and flows in all directions. Give love. Love an ant, literally. Love the sky. Love the trees. Love the birds, their very song is for you to hear, to experience, to enjoy. They say “I love you” over and over, everyday, first thing. They’re on it. Listen, receive. Love anyone and anything you can muster up love to and for. Above all, love yourself. Be as willing as you can in receiving love. The universe is very literally ‘made of’ love, it showers you always, everywhere, unconditionally. 

Start small, feel the inner smile every morning, bring it through each day with you, further and further through the day with each passing day. 

See yourself with love. This can bring emotions up and out. There is no method for not ‘getting stuck in the thought stories’ of me, past, future, etc... but the sting, or burn, is the love. We must willingly meet love where it’s at, prior to the clouds which seem to veil, yet are always perfectly, clearly, felt. 

The rollercoaster settles a bit more each day, with each letting go, in equanimity.

The combination of expressive journaling (an emptying) and understanding the emotions, is the ‘other than more thinking’ that I believe the intuition and heart are longing for.  

Most difficult perhaps, is the relinquishing of expectations... ‘that didn’t work’, ‘I already tried that’, ‘that’s not gonna work’. It can be challenging letting black and white go, moving into the actuality of grey, as there is no ‘fault’ in grey, only the innocence which ‘has been’ and ‘will always be’ ever present, or, this right now presence.  

[Logan]

Self-Love, mindfulness practice, journaling, contemplation, hobbies, and Life Purpose.

[Eternity]

Where is the self that all these "past" memories have attached themselves to?  Can you point to the self you refer to?  Is it in your stomach or your foot?  Can you locate it?  Can you point to it?  The self is just a delusion, a made-up story about your real Being.  Does the past even exist?  All you have to state there is a past are memories and maybe some souveniers of the past.  But can you touch the past?  There really is no tangible  past, only the present moment and as soon as one second passes, it disappears into the invisible past where it is no longer a present threat.  So there is really no past you can hang onto.  There is a path to peace however, if you want it badly enough.  It is in a very remarkable book I read years ago and I think there is at least one free pdf of it online if you google it.  It's called "A Course in Miracles."  The name refers to the miraculous way it clears your pathway to peace and teaches you what real love is.  When I first read the text, I thought it was a little dry, and I was about 100 pages in when I finally began to understand some of the phrasing and the corrections to thinking that it illuminates.  It is not written in linear fashion, but more like in a random, stream of consciousness way.  I had decided, since I was resistant to reading it, that I would read it the whole way through and then decide if it was just hogwash once I was done, just to be fair.  But the more I read, the more I resonated with it.  Then I started to have little miracles happen, like sychdonicities began happening, and rage I had hung onto since I was a child just died down to nearly nothing, and being fairly narcissistic faded away and forgiveness of others became easier.  I was not aware of when these things happened, only that I wasn't reacting the way I had up to the point of reading this book.  This continued with all my unlovable aspects while I continued to read.  When I was done with it, I read it from start to finish again and did that for 5 years.  It wasn't as if I had to, it was more like drinking cool water after days of wandering under a hot desert sun.  No matter where I opened it, there would be a sentence or paragraph that would give me solice and take away any pain I had struggled with that day.  I highly recommend reading it.  The title is also often shortened to "ACIM" if you want to google it.

[StarStruck]

If you had endure serious childhood trauma, you need professional help. It is possible to get help from forums and books but you can misinterpret this advice and do more harm than good.

Trauma is frozen emotions. Emotions like anger that you couldn't feel towards your parents during the abuse.  You disidentified with these emotions but you actually have to feel them to let them go. The negative energy needs to leave your body.

It is very nuanced and it is hard to do it at your own without good professional help.

[Flowerfaeiry]

Yes. I've gotten a whole bunch of therapy and have tried many other healing methods. It's a process. I suggest you start by talking to someone who is trained in helping people process this type of trauma. It's also important that you have a strong desire to heal, that way you will stay consistent in pursuing it. 

[vedame]

Thank you very much all for your precious insights. Yes, I have a therapist, of course  

[Zeroguy]

On 5/5/2021 at 1:15 AM, vedame said:

I was beaten by my mum almost on a daily basis between age 4-19 (when I moved away from home for university). She has NPD and paranoid schizophrenia. Her agression and violence towards me (and my dad) faded away as her schizophrenia escalated from 2008 on, but the damage from childhood is there. I forgave with all my heart, although it sucks that I know that I don’t and won’t have the chance to ever talk this through with her in this life. If there are other people here who were physically and/or verbally hurt by parents, how did you manage / cope with it?

No contact.

What @Nahm said is true too.Wish I know that back then.

Edited June 4, 2021 by Zeroguy

[Breakingthewall]

@vedame feel identified, my family history is very dysfunctional, narcissism, addictions and abuse, and my parents died of cancer consecutively in my adolescence, with which there is no possibility of contrasting anything. There is only one solution: you are not your past, there is nothing to fix, nothing was wrong, you do not have to analyze what happened or fight against it, just accept it completely and love it. How? completely eliminating the idea that something had to be different. how to achieve it? meditation. You are the present, you always were. the "story" you tell yourself is pure fantasy. my father gave me a gift, it prevented me from dwelling on the ego. As soon as I start to be there I go into loops of negativity, an alarm that tells me: get out of there. I meditate for an hour, and that's it, there's nothing like that, it's a pure anecdote, a situation like any other. reality manifesting. I feel love for my father, and compassion. any amount of rage, revenge, hatred, feelings of injustice, victimhood ... pure ego. I'm a lucky guy, since I'm forced to come out of the ego, and the ego is a trap, either way. I feel that I have an advantage over people with a healthy ego, they have a hard time getting out of jail

Edited June 4, 2021 by Breakingthewall

[mivafofa]

My heart goes out for you... My parental situation was fairly similar to yours. I'm relieved you have a therapist. I didn't have the mean for it I had to become my own therapist.  If you haven't started yet, "reparenting yourself"  is a hard process to go through but so important

[Windappreciator]

On 6/10/2021 at 9:31 AM, mivafofa said:

My heart goes out for you... My parental situation was fairly similar to yours. I'm relieved you have a therapist. I didn't have the mean for it I had to become my own therapist.  If you haven't started yet, "reparenting yourself"  is a hard process to go through but so important

I think you can successfully do it, miva.