Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Thought Art

Fear and Shame

14 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Today I woke up feeling a lot of fear and shame. I feel ashamed about so many past mistakes in my life. I feel shame for not already having my degree or enough money to pursue the things I want. I feel shame that I am studying accounting as a means to survival when I really just want to practice and teach Qigong and Yoga. I know I have the practices, tools, teachers and information to develop a good life. But, I still deal with moments of shame, fear, guilt, self doubt and uncertainty. I have to admit to myself that I am not some great person, but an average person trying to grapple with the grand truths of reality and to create a profound life. Of course this will not be an easy path and I know that I will have my ups and downs. 

When I feel low or down I sometimes beat myself up for not being joyful enough or enlightened enough. When I see myself making small blunders I wonder how I will ever create something strong and foundational if I still make these dumb mistakes. 

I have a lot of fear about social disapproval or people saying mean and untrue things about me

I feel shame for treating people poorly in the past

I feel shame I can't connect in intimate relationships like I would like

I feel shame I still haven't fallen in love and full accepted myself, reality and what IS...

I feel shame for being a fool, for so many past mistakes

I feel fear that I will continue to make mistakes and self defeating decisions in my life. 

I meditate, journal, do qigong, I read books, I make attempts again and again to make my life better. 

I realize I will die one day and that I am not special. 

I feel like I have developed some kind of grandiose self image where I think everyone cares about what I do or thinks about me all the time. I don't fully understand how I fit into the social matrix or how reality works. 

I feel shame that I pursue pleasure more than I would like

I feel shame about my use of social media

I feel shame that I don't really want to be here on this planet in this way and that I feel trapped sometimes.

I feel this white knight thing inside me that wants to save the world and end all the suffering

I feel a grasping for power and authority

I feel like I don't have a solid grounding in who I am yet

I feel regret about lost opportunities. There have been times in the recent that I had everything I wanted and worked for. But, then things went wrong and I fell apart and ruined what I had built. 

When I feel a sense of suicidal ideation I think what I really want to to have complete control over reality and get what I want. 

 

I would like to just to Qigong all day. I would like to create music all day. I want to spend time in nature. I want to fully love and accept myself and create sacred space for others to do this. I feel as if I do this for the people in my life. 

I want to go through a de-armour process. I want to get my spinal column in alignment and have all my muscles sitting properly in my body full of good chi.

I realize that I don't fully understand how my psychology works and that it doesn't serve me at all times. I have so many images of negative things that could happen in the future it really hurts me. I am terrified of having to work 8 hours shifts doing work I am not passionate about. But it seems that will have to be the reality for some time. I had so many opportunities to have money saved up... But I was trying to grow myself and invest in myself. I have lacked balance, systems thinking, long term thinking, practicality, emotional mastery etc.... I have been a fool throughout my life and now I am paying the price with a lot of suffering.

However, I know things are going relatively well for me. I am in school studying accounting and Qigong, I am living in a decent place with a great roommate. 

I grow tired of these chains. I am passionate about life, but also scared of life. I feel scared of living, of rumours people might spread about me, about rejection. I feel fear that I will get in trouble for ordering research chemicals even though I don't think it was illegal to do so in my country. I feel fear I will never figure out the truth or that I am deluded at my core. I feel fear of love, I fear fear of fear. 

I see myself becoming a strong confident, independant person who is a powerful creator in the world. I would like this to be the case now in my youth. I realize though that I must accept reality, my neurosis and me predicament.   There is no easy way out of this maze I am trapped inside. 

Sometimes I just want to give up on everything and settle for a slave job and go back to watching netflix and smoking weed. But, I know my heart longs for more. I want to master Qigong, yoga, meditation and journaling. I want to be a musician. I want to live forever, I want to be young forever. 

I don't want to waste 8-10 hours a day doing work I don't like when I feel like I am on the cutting edge of a powerful healing modality. I wish there was a way to raise $50,000. If I had that I would be able to launch my Qigong business online a lot easier. 

There are so many skills I need to develop, so much inner grounding that needs to happen, so many fears, beliefs and traumas to let go of and transcend. I need to die to reality. I need to strive for something better. I don't need anything really. I just. I know so much, but have experience and masters and implemented so little. 

I tire of this human existence. I tire of myself and my memories. I tire of my mediocrity. I tired of the endlessness of it all. I tire of my lack of freedom and control over reality. 

I tired of not knowing what the truth is, who to believe or how to believe in myself

I tire of how my brain creates mental models which are partial and inaccurate. 

I tire of my fantasies which are not aligned with reality that create foolish needless suffering

I tire of not being able to be confident in myself despite being so smart, athletic and good looking

I feel like I am some kind of imposter, a fool, someone who doesn't know what they are talking about. But I also feel like I am really on to something by doing these practices and I have made a lot of progress through their use. 

There are not quick fixes in life, there are no easy answers. I feel lonely in this moment. I accept that I feel low today, that I feel scared today and that I am an imperfect person. I know I can continue to develop myself over time. I have a growth mindset. I Just wish I could be fearless, content and whole within myself today. I will now begin to do my classwork. I will take breaks to do Qigong which is helping me so much with clarity and getting my spinal health and chi in order. I can't thank this practice enough. 

There are no quick fixes in reality. 

Edited by Thought Art

It's just turtles all the way down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

I see myself becoming a strong confident, independant person who is a powerful creator in the world. 

I would change the word "shame" to regret.

Your on this forum, so you are probably way ahead of most people.

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

@freejoy I just feel overwhelmed with these feelings today. I have a lot of work to do today. I will do Qigong, and breath-work tonight and persist on my progress. I think I feel particularly frustrated with the image of how I want my life to be free from wage slavery, and the reality that I am still deep in wage slavery. I am studying school right now and not working so, I am lucky in that regard. But, I want it now.

I have had some really powerful awakening lately and I am not sure how long they will take to integrate. Today might be a ego backlash or the rising up of egoic constructs to be integrated and transcended. 

Edited by Thought Art

It's just turtles all the way down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@freejoy I just feel overwhelmed with these feelings today. I have a lot of work to do today. I will do Qigong, and breath-work tonight and persist on my progress. 

"This to shall pass"

I always use this little quote when I feel low.

It always does pass.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My mind has been slamming me with past foolishnesses that I have yet to accept and integrate. I have done stupid things in my life I would like to forgive and forget. 


It's just turtles all the way down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Thought Art Shame is an emotion that can grip us. But you are showing much strength in sharing here what you are experiencing and understanding what kind of emotion it is. 

Perhaps you could change some of your language from I want to I am. 

What does it feel like to know you are going to get the things you want in your life? 

Start the process of more self love, self belief and self care. Treat yourself like you would someone you really care about. Spend some time looking after yourself, every day do some nice things. Look at some beautiful art. Get inspired. Bit by bit you will get your strength. Seek further help if necessary, there are people that love you and care about you, reach out. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Always good when these emotions bubble up. When I wake up, sometimes I lay in bed a little linger and I just be present with any emotion that comes up. Just keep going and allowing these feelings to come to the surface, no need to analyze them<3

What you're feeling, is what's healing - Matt Khan

Edited by Waken

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
20 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I feel like I have developed some kind of grandiose self image where I think everyone cares about what I do or thinks about me all the time. I don't fully understand how I fit into the social matrix or how reality works. 

Of COURSE you have a grandiose self image! It's a deep intuition most people have... the Self is is all there is. Of COURSE a separate "you" will never fit in quite right like a puzzle piece, You are already the entirety. You don't get a better fit than that. You can't find the peace you're looking for by acting as a separate self when you already intuitively know how Unconditionally Incredible (in-credible, you don't get any credit, even if you're famous and influential, the separate "you" never gets the credit) You really are. You are incredible. You are not worthy of belief. In this sense both your intuition that you're unworthy and your intuition that you're grandiose are both simultaneously true. You are Awareness itself, not a thought, not an idea of yourself. Are there two of you, one that can judge the other? 

 

21 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I feel shame that I pursue pleasure more than I would like

You would have more pleasure if you pursued pleasure less, so you feel bad about that? 🤨 Let's just stop chasing our tails and enjoy pleasure and be pleased when we are. Maybe we don't have to pursue pleasure but learn to see it and accept it when it's here. The pleasure that is what we already are is Incredible. :) 


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I don't want to waste 8-10 hours a day doing work I don't like when I feel like I am on the cutting edge of a powerful healing modality. I wish there was a way to raise $50,000. If I had that I would be able to launch my Qigong business online a lot easier. 

What's the next (likely small) logical step you can take towards teaching Qigong? Many people who start businesses would tell you that they are glad they didn't have much money when they started, because they wouldn't have known how to use it properly until the business they started with little to nothing was already raking in the cash. When you do something for the love of it, all else that you do also sort of flows into the love of it too. If you think of the job as part of the same adventure as what you truly love and you consistently make small steps toward the direction you want to take, you don't hate and feel a slave to one and pine after the other, the entire thing is seen as the same synergistic whole. 

 

21 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I see myself becoming a strong confident, independant person who is a powerful creator in the world. I would like this to be the case now in my youth. I realize though that I must accept reality, my neurosis and me predicament.   There is no easy way out of this maze I am trapped inside. 

It already IS the case. You actually do not have to accept your reality, you're creating it as you think it. Sounds ridiculous and hilarious, I know right??? The physical manifestation happens after the thinking. There is an easy way out, change your thoughts as you can and enjoy where you are. Trap is part spelled backwards. You are not really a part of the whole, except to act as a creator. You're a-maze-ing. ;)  


My Youtube Channel- Light on Earth “We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the Secret sits in the middle and knows.”― Robert Frost

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

This week I've been stuck with all this guilt over my past foolishnesses. I am working through it the best I can. I think I am stuff with a question... If I did this in the past? Even though it wasn't that bad considering all the evils in the world. Can I deserve love? can I deserve success? It's a painful couple days for me.

I am regretting taking my accounting program. It's a lot of work and super boring... It's only 8 months, so. I will be patient. I am starting and ending my day with Qigong teacher trainings so, that is nice. Last night my Qigong completely relaxed me and brough joy into my system. I had really warm bright happy dreams. It's a strong practice. 

Edited by Thought Art

It's just turtles all the way down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 23/04/2021 at 9:28 AM, Waken said:

Always good when these emotions bubble up. When I wake up, sometimes I lay in bed a little linger and I just be present with any emotion that comes up. Just keep going and allowing these feelings to come to the surface, no need to analyze them<3

What you're feeling, is what's healing - Matt Khan

<3


My YouTube channel: "The Inward Morning"

Dei nostri templum terrarum orbus est

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Days like this I feel to foolish, uneducated and impractical to ever be a success. I keep making stupid decisions. 

I am smart, but also fucking foolish and stupid. 

Edited by Thought Art

It's just turtles all the way down.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Accountancy is a useful skill for running a small business isn't it? So in the bigger picture you have your Qigong and business knowledge which can come together to form a great business and spiritual resource to offer to the community and earn a living. 

" I am smart, but also fucking foolish and stupid."

Me too, if we're honest we're all a mixture of both. The mistake is to judge, attaching to the smartness and rejecting the foolishness. Instead, accept them both, learn the lessons they're showing you and keep moving, don't get stuck in negative judgements and guilt. Forgive your past mistakes, including all this shame.  Foolishness is an impulsive, independent, random kind of energy which just needs taming into a juice which takes the boring out of your smartness.

Come on now, you've got a lot of skills which other people will want, you've clearly got a passion for Qigong so try looking positively at the time you've spent in accounting as the enabler to market and administer your passion. 

(Disclaimer - I'm an accountant myself lol :D )

Edited by snowyowl

"It's abyss all the way down."  Jim Newman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0